Is honesty the best policy?

LegacyUser

I have a friend (distant relation)- more of an acquaintance now and im looking for some advice

I had been really good friends with this girl for a while and I told her a secret- drunkly- which I really shouldn't have about someone really close to me. I had also asked her to be bridesmaid for my wedding. a week before I got married I heard back she told the secret and it got back and as she was the only person that knew, I knew it was her and confronted her. she flatly denied it and even though I knew she was lying I couldn't tell her she wasn't part of the wedding as I only had a week to go. I have been really distant with her since as when she blabbed, that really hurt the other person and I would have let it do if she had admitted she told. Anyway, im having a little one- we discovered there might be something wrong with them- its not a big issue- it was at the time and I haven't told her about it as I don't want it to be a source of gossip for her and im very sensitive about it, anyway, she sent me a message on facebook saying she sent me a few messages and I hadn't responded and was I ok? should I just remain civil just for peace sake or tell her that I really have no interest speaking to her again?

zoobizoo

Sorry, you told X something about Y that you shouldn't have.

Then X told someone and it got back to Y.

If you hadn't told X what you shouldn't have, then there'd be no problem, no?

But you are holding her to account for gossip that started with you...

groovyg

I guess the big question is do you want to remain friends with her? As she can't be trusted to keep a secret maybe just remain civil with her but don't disclose any sensitive personal details about your life as she will more than likely gossip about it.

You're complaining about her doing the exact same thing you did. Sounds like you two deserve each other.
Karmas a bitch eh.

Neyite

Mod:

Midleton Thai, your post falls well short of the constructive and helpful advice we expect on this forum and would normally earn you a yellow card.

However as you seem to be new here, I'll ask you to familarise yourself with the charter and post in a kinder way next time.

Neyite

Dont tell her about your pregnancy issue. She's proven that she cant be trusted.


You learn by trial and error who you can trust. I've a few that I'd trust to the ends of the earth - I've a friend that I reckon if I turned up with a body, they'd help me bury it Then on the other hand I've someone else close to me who I love to bits but they will never change, and their idea of keeping your secret is to tell the next person not to blab it. So now I only mention what I'm comfortable with people knowing.

You made a mistake that backfired on you pretty awfully and I imagine you will never make that mistake again so I don't see a need to advise you on that. I think that you are doing the right thing by keeping your distance.

What I will say is any baby-related news travels like wildfire, and you need to consider how your in-laws might feel if they a) found out you are expecting that way, and b) about the health issue of your baby through the gossip mill. And its your husbands baby too. He deserves the privacy on it. So no, say nothing to her. Keep your replies banal - busy at work / had a cold or whatever. It's probably the best way.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you know for absolute certain it was her who told the secret? You knew, she knew. Unless the secret was about you and you were the ONLY person who could possibly know it to begin with and she was the only person you told then you cannot say with absolute certainty that it was her. You can suspect. You can probably be fairly certain but you can't know for definite.

If you don't want to have much to do with her anymore then reply as Neyite says, general, non committal answers that don't ask any questions to engage her in further discussion. But it might be worth considering that she didn't spread the gossip (as you did ). She probably did, but she mightn't have.

Just as a matter of interest, the person who was originally the subject of the gossip, how have they behaved towards you in the aftermath of discovering that you betrayed THEIR confidence? Are they avoiding your messages? If they are upset at you for betraying their confidence, that's your fault, not your friend's. You being upset at her for betraying YOUR confidence is a separate issue.

LegacyUser

op here

My friend called me and asked if I had repeated what she told me as she heard back that my friend had said it so someone, I had to admit it and I said yes it was me and I apologised and we both agreed it was very stupid of me but agreed to draw a line and move on, she is ok with me now but ever since ive never said another word to this girl, you're advice is sterling though, I wont be sharing anything with her again and I certainly wont be telling her anything about the baby, I haven't replied to her message so im sure she will get the hint

dixiefly

bunchoftulips wrote: »

op here

My friend called me and asked if I had repeated what she told me as she heard back that my friend had said it so someone, I had to admit it and I said yes it was me and I apologised and we both agreed it was very stupid of me but agreed to draw a line and move on, she is ok with me now but ever since ive never said another word to this girl, you're advice is sterling though, I wont be sharing anything with her again and I certainly wont be telling her anything about the baby, I haven't replied to her message so im sure she will get the hint

The fact that you know for sure and she has also denied it changes things a little for me. I think I would find it difficult to resist replying that I know that she had repeated the secret to X and was now denying it and that I was finding it difficult to deal with this - all of which is the truth - and leave it at that.

Allow her to stew on it and see what happens. Certainly dont confide in her again. We all make mistakes, at least you admitted yours.

CaraMay

I think you are being very hypocritical here. It's your fault it got out and you are lucky the person is willing to forgive and forget. The hypocritical bit is that you aren't.

retro:electro

CaraMay wrote: »

I think you are being very hypocritical here. It's your fault it got out and you are lucky the person is willing to forgive and forget. The hypocritical bit is that you aren't.

The difference is the op was honest and said yes it was her who told the secret, the op's friend is blatently lying which further adds to the deception.

ChampagnePop

anna080 wrote: »

The difference is the op was honest and said yes it was her who told the secret, the op's friend is blatently lying which further adds to the deception.

People who over react when they hear the truth are less likely to get told it in my experience.

It's great the OP isn't in trouble with her own friend who's secret she shared, but there's no need to add to the drama at this stage, learn your lesson and move on....

CaraMay

anna080 wrote: »

The difference is the op was honest and said yes it was her who told the secret, the op's friend is blatently lying which further adds to the deception.

Potato / potato
Tomato / tomato

That's splitting hairs. The op created the problem

Neyite

Mod:

Ok, the OP bashing stops NOW.

There has been one forum ban handed out to a poster as a result of their posts on this thread falling below standard. I will have no hesitation in handing out Yellows and Reds to other offenders.

This is an ADVICE forum. Someone has something troubling on their mind, they come and post it and get helpful, kind guidance and non-judgemental advice. Please remember that.

LegacyUser

I honestly didn't think I would get such negative comments on such a usually helpful forum. I have a fairly unwell baby and I didn't realise how much more stressed out I could get with some keyboard warriors when all I was doing was looking for some advice, can this be closed now? obviously some of you have never made a mistake

thanks

Neyite

Mod:
Closed at OP's request.