What have I done

LegacyUser

Gone annon for this obviously. I dont really know why I'm posting tbh. I mean I know for me what I should do but here goes.


I have a 4 year old child with my oh. Well now we are together properly. Maybe the past 2 or 3 weeks. We had never given it a proper go before but not for want of teying on my part. Eventually after 3 or 4 years of knock backs and on and off relationship, i decided right, enough is enough burried all feelings and moved on, i did love her.

To put it bluntly she was a bitch. She treated me like ****, i dont mean abuse or anything but just no effort at all. Well anyway, around xmas i meet a girl about 7 or 8 years younger than me. Things kinda went fast and we ended up going on hols for 10 days after being together 2-3 months.

I told my ex i was going and who it was with, first time she knew i was seeing someone else, and she seemed to take it pretty well. For about a week. After that she kept saying she loved me, wanted to be with me, etc. Etc. Long story short i told her im going on hols, need a hol badly and that was that. Came home absolutely smitten with the new gf.

Fastforward a month and im lying beside my ex after breaking up with the new gf who i cant get out of my head as being my soul mate..... My sons mum went on hols with my son, her mum and family. Her mum was drunk the whole time and caused a rucus. An example i got was she Drank half a bottle of vodka in departure lounge from duty free, more on plane and at some point pisses herself during the flight.

I came home from work that night to find my son and his mom in his room in my house. After being told the story i was raging. The granmother has had a problem with drink all her life and i didnt know.

I come from an alcoholic background and swore i'd never allow my son to grow up in the same. In the heat of the moment I tell his mom she's staying with me and we'll move out together asap. I broke up with my gf, told her the story basically, I had told her everything up to then anyway. She was heartbroken, I was too.

I'm now lying here a couple of weeks removed, I was so happy a couple of weeks ago but now i just hate going to bed. I keep telling myself I know I'm doing this for my son but still can't help how I feel. I'm not sure why i'm writing this cause god knows I'm gona persevere with the relationship for his sake. I know I can make it work. I guess i just need time and maybe this vent.

Sorry if its a struggle to read as i am on the mobile

batmanrobin

So you're now back with your ex? You're going to "preserve" with the relationship? Sorry to sound harsh, but why the hell have you decided to play martyr? Why punish yourself, your child (who will pick up on all the unhappiness - trust me on this) and your ex?

I'd imagine your ex doesn't really love you as she said, it probably just shook her to see you move and and maybe she panicked. Maybe you're a better option than a drunk mother.

You don't actually have to be in a relationship with her. Just tell her you'll support her and will be there for her but as your child's father, not as a boyfriend.

Life is very short, but it can seem interminable with the wrong person, and unhappiness is poison for the soul.

ellie1

It's seems like you reacted impulsively out of concern/worry for your child that's fairly normal given your background. It's admirable. If I could protect my child from all the evil in the world, I would lock him in the house!!

What is the background of you and your sons mothers relationship? She has been looking after your soon the past number of years and is obviously doing a good job and she has turned out ok despite growing up in with an alcoholic parent.

Putting yourself in a relationship where you feel you have to/ obliged / sense of duty may lead to bitterness / resentment in the future. This may mean your son will be growing up in this type of envoiriment. Which is exactly what you didn't want.

You could on the other hand help the mother of your child secure her own accommodation. Take your child on a shared custody arrangement.

Children have grown up in the most difficult of circumstances and still turned out to be fantastic people. If you want an example of this, go and look in a mirror and yourself who is willing to sacrifice your own happiness in the hope that this will mean that your child grows up in a better envoiriment.

Pawwed Rig

Was your son living with the Grandmother?

Colser

Surely you would have known before now if the gran had a drink problem,are you sure that's not a made up story to get back with you?

acon2119

Do not throw awayyour chance of happiness for a relationship with your sons mother that will only bring misery to all three of you. You can be a good parent without being with your sons mother. Its not going to work, and the child will have to live in the middle of this situation.

Console yourself with the knowledge that you did everything to make the relationship work for a very long time and she didn't want you until you found happiness with someone else.

Don't settle for less than you deserve

CaraMay

Why not go down the legal route of getting him to live with you rather than you live with her?

Big Bag of Chips

It all sounds very quick, and may I say very convenient (for your gf). Unless you and she are willing to 100% make a go of this, moving your son around moving you all in together and maybe her moving back out at some point is only going to confuse him.

It seems very convenient that at the time you tell your ex you are moving on and are happy with someone else that you come home to find her in your house with your son claiming it's all too much for her at home (I'm assuming she lives with her mother?) For years she knew you were chasing her. She knew you were still in love with her, and she treated you very badly. Now that you are moving on suddenly she realises she loves you?

Tread carefully, OP. Maybe this time it will work out. Maybe this time you will all live happily ever after. But if she knows your history, and she's somehow exaggerating her own story to pull at your heart strings to get where she wants to be, then you have a tough job on your hands. You should only agree to living together and trying again if she agrees to couples counselling so that all the issues that had you on/again off again all these years don't keep reoccurring and your poor confused son is caught in the middle.

LegacyUser

I highly recommend couples counseling if you are to stay with this woman. I mean why after so long does she only want you now? Nothing to do with you getting smitten with a much younger woman? Why after so many years of you trying to be with her and make it work has it only happened now, and because of the grandmothers drink problem???

She may have her reasons for why she didn't want to be with you that you are not telling us here. There had to have been proper reasons that she didn't want a relationship with the father of her child, apart from your summing her up as simply being a 'bitch', which is a meaningless offensive label and doesn't tell us anything about what was going on. Was it commitment issues? Were there affairs? Were one of you far too immature for the other, or both to get it together? There's far too much information not given here to understand the situation, so that is why I think counseling for you or both of you would really sort your head out. Please don't make any big decisions right now, if it's not too late, and tell your OH that your head is all over the place and are worried you've made the wrong decision and it will lead to disaster. Don't let any further manipulation happen until live sorted your head out.

Pawwed Rig

CaraMay wrote: »

Why not go down the legal route of getting him to live with you rather than you live with her?

This is an extremely high risk strategy for any man to undertake and is dangerous advice to give to anyone without the full facts of the case. Were he to lose he may never see his child again.
A man in Ireland needs to be as meek and passive as possible with an ex to stay in her good graces so she allows him to see his children unless the child is in immediate physical danger.

Keane2baMused

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

This is an extremely high risk strategy for any man to undertake and is dangerous advice to give to anyone without the full facts of the case. Were he to lose he may never see his child again.
A man in Ireland needs to be as meek and passive as possible with an ex to stay in her good graces so she allows him to see his children unless the child is in immediate physical danger.

What basis do you have for this statement can I ask?

Saying he could never see his child again if he goes the legal route, completely untrue!!

You're generalising.

Tasden

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

A man in Ireland needs to be as meek and passive as possible with an ex to stay in her good graces so she allows him to see his children unless the child is in immediate physical danger.

Some men.

Pawwed Rig

If a mother who has custody of a child refuses to let the Father see the child there is little he can do. Courts will make orders etc but they tend to be toothless. Rarely if ever has a mother been prosecuted for not following these orders.

Interesting website for those who want to educate themselves
http://www.rollercoaster.ie/Article/Single-Parenting/Forever-Fathers

However, many fathers are not allowed to see their children. The mother may utilise her discriminatory constitutional and systemic advantage against him. Courts rarely penalise a woman for preventing court-granted access, for making unfounded allegations (sometimes of child abuse), or for assault and abuse. On the other hand, courts do imprison fathers who cannot afford to pay child maintenance, or who break access.

Tasden

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

If a mother who has custody of a child refuses to let the Father see the child there is little he can do. Courts will make orders etc but they tend to be toothless. Rarely if ever has a mother been prosecuted for not following these orders.

Interesting website for those who want to educate themselves
http://www.rollercoaster.ie/Article/Single-Parenting/Forever-Fathers

But not all mothers refuse. You are acting like all men are up against horrible women that use their children as pawns.

Keane2baMused

Tasden wrote: »

But not all mothers refuse. You are acting like all men are up against horrible women that use their children as pawns.

Exactly this. They're the exception not the rule.

Pawwed Rig

Tasden wrote: »

But not all mothers refuse. You are acting like all men are up against horrible women that use their children as pawns.

I am not acting any way and never suggested that. I am showing why CaraMay's advice is reckless given the lack of knowledge we have about the situation.

Unfortunately these issues arise alot from relatively low level changing plans at short notice and not respecting the fathers time to high level refusal tio allow access at all. Keeping the Mother onside is critical to this from a Fathers perspective. Attempting to gain custody of a child can poison a previously civil relationship and then noone knows what may happen. Generally speaking the courts will be reluctant to remove a child from the Mothers care other than in extreme situations of which there is not indication of here.
The girl has already shown she has poor judgement by exposing the child to alcoholism so it is not a huge leap to suspect that she may have poor judgement in other areas too.

Tasden

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

A man in Ireland needs to be as meek and passive as possible with an ex to stay in her good graces so she allows him to see his children unless the child is in immediate physical danger.

Saying "a man in Ireland" rather than "some men" is acting like all mothers in Ireland behave that way.

Calypso Realm

Given the nature and sequence of events, I would be sceptical of your ex's true motives/reasons here. Like others, I find it strange you were unaware of the mother's 'alcohol problem' until now. In addition, even if it is true, unless your son actually lives with his grandmother, then the impact would be minimal.

Idle Passerby

Why do you feel you must be in a romantic relationship with your child's mother in order to look after your child? You don't, in fact given how unhappy and chaotic your relationship seems to be with this woman it seems contrary to your child's interests to be romantically involved.

LegacyUser

So let me get this straight OP - you've been with a girl on and off for 4+ years at least. You had a child along the way but were never living together? You say she's a bitch and treats you bad. Xmas you meet a girl, date her for 3 odd months then come home to find your son and his mum in your son's room (it's really unclear, is this in your house, their house, the grandmothers house???) She tells you she loves you, the grandmother is drunk who ruined their holiday so you break up with GF and move in with son and mother and are now miserable....is that it roughly?

I'm not clear what the living situation is/was - was your son and mother living with her family and your son has a room at yours when he stays or were you already living together?

Why the hell would you try and be in a relationship with someone you yourself describe as a bitch? Clearly that's not healthy for any of the people involved - you her or son. So her mums a drunk, you can help her out with your son without being with her. You could have helped her look for somewhere to live if she's living at home with her mum. As a result of having a child your always going to have her in your life in some way but you need to set ground rules down and establish boundaries. Get legal advice regarding maintenance and access.