Another Girl "maybe" Interested In Me

LegacyUser

Going anonymous for this one.

I'll spill the beans with for a start having a bad break-up about a year ago, it was rough spent a long time in a depression over it, had a few dates with two different women since, one it didn't go anywhere, she wasn’t my type, the other it turned into a relationship only because I felt I should move on and get passed the break-up which I had been wallowing and licking my wounds about for months and months, even if it was me who ended it, not going to get into the story, it's far too long and depressing but I was put into a dealbreaker position, so I'll leave it at that.

Late last year I met someone online, went on a few dates, wasn't sure if I was really into her, she's a smoker which is one of my pet peeves, hate the smell of them, she has something of rough personality and gets wound up by her family really easily, has a very short temper with them I mean, which can be a quite off-putting and awkward. We kept going out, maybe it's because for me it sucks to be alone primarily and at times I do think "God this is nowhere near the same as my last relationship where everything about it was great" and I do feel a bit peeved that I got put into the position of ending it and I am where I am now because of it.

Anyway this new one I've been going out with, it's been "official" since January and I enjoy her company for the best part except when she gets wound up over practically nothing, her family are a bunch of ejits and it's a completely different kettle of fish and I don't get the same spark as I had before.

I have met her family and they are rough and they are difficult to be around, she has a few sister's and her mother, her dad left the family a long time ago, so the family is a lot of women who basically fly off the handle at each other regular and often, it's basically like being in an extreme angry female version of Howard Wolowitz's house and it's quite uncomfortable.

Anyway on to the next bit, there is this girl I've been friends with for about 4 years, she's from my locality, she's a teacher, very clever and bubbly girl, clean living, way more clean living than I, she doesn't drink or smoke, good looking but not over the top good looking, she's just right like, I had a thing for her way before my last relationship but always thought she was well out of my league. One of my other friends got shot down previously when attempting to ask her out. I didn't think I had a hope in hell so I just got over the infatuation and moved on. We weren’t incredibly close friends or anything but she tagged along with a mutual friend for a long time and I didn’t hang out much for most of the 4 years I’ve known her, only in the last year or so she’s been more outgoing with myself and a friend of mine.

She has been working all over the place recently so we hadn’t saw much of each other the last while as she has been trying to secure a stable teaching job and she’s been all over the place like most people of our age (late 20’s) (she’s currently in England) but when she comes home she gives the mate of mine and I a message to meet in a pub in town and the three of us have a good laugh talking about all sorts, she even wanted to hear me out on the matter with my ex, she never really talked to me about her personal life but it turned out she was in a very similar situation with her ex and it was actually way more complicated on her end, blew me away what she told me, wouldn't have thought it would have happened to her, again that's a long story I won't get into that.

She was here for a break a few weeks ago and during that week we were talking about relationships and I said after a few pints that the new one I'm seeing is a different kettle of fish to before and I'm feeling that the spark wasn't there or at least it’s not really like before but she can be good company most of the time but then her family wrecks my head and make annoying inappropriate comments and her sister’s annoy me in general which I'm not used to and she was really into what I said because her and my ex were a bit chummy for a while but didn't hang out regularly, but I think she knows what exactly I’ve been sort of missing personality/background wise.

She returned to the UK before coming back unexpectedly again a few weeks later, as soon as she was back she messages us again to hang out, so we went out, she was having a rough time teaching over there between her wages getting a £60 cut and between students of a Muslim background not co-operating in her classes because (in her words) "they don't take kindly to women telling them what to do, that they are the inferior sex in their minds" and she gets a tough time off the other kids too as kids always want to wind up the new young teacher and the odd kid sexually harasses her with comments about her figure, (some of it pervy, some of it is insulting, like calling her fat for example) and believe me there is nothing wrong with her figure, it’s kind of an hourglass figure which I quite like, anyway she came home for a week and got a sick cert, and she announced she's coming home for good at the end of the term and she said she's never going abroad again and thinks it's overrated, she was a bit glum when she arrived at the pub to see us but we cheered her up and I thought it was great she was coming back because she is great company and lovely in general to be around. (in a friends way at the time)

So the night and the banter continued between the three of us and my friend went and exposed an embarrassing encounter I had with the mother of this girl I’m seeing now, I told him weeks ago sending him into hysterics laughing, when he brought it up in front of her I was like “Aww please no!” and she was dying to know, so I was like “Aww fine, you may tell her now otherwise she’ll pester us for it”. What happened was I met her mother for the first time, she’s as rough as a badger, no filter whatsoever if she feels like saying something, she just will, no matter how inappropriate. I was in the house 45 minutes or so and half her family are arguing away over whatever nonsense, the mother is making a load of stupid comments to them all and the odd nice thing to me then she says “My daughter says you’re the best shag she ever had” which pretty much mortified me on the spot, herself was in the room when she said it and didn’t even tell her that it’s an inappropriate comment to make. Daughters hardly discuss that kind of stuff with their mam’s do they?? Sounds like a big bowl of wrong to me...

Anyway that story was spilled by my friend, resulting in a lot of sniggering at the bar and me wanting to bash my head off the bar with embarrassment, she then says “Oh you must have some secret skills, care to share?” and I said for laughs “Oh hell I do but I’m not one for bragging” and more laughing and goofing continued for about 10 minutes over it.

Anyway she has since went back to finish out the term, she's been messaging me on Facebook most nights wanting to chat about all sorts and we'd be firing back funny messages, advise about her housemate who she doesn't get on with and living with people in general, the Irish economy, how tough it is for her to get a teaching post here and the tough time she is having in England and lighthearted stuff about our families or stuff we were up to at the weekends or in our general spare time.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I’m beginning to wonder is she into me, she could be since we had fairly similar break-ups that were both very complicated messes, we got on well, and she messages me most nights over the last 4 weeks or so wanting to chat about whatever and it started the minute she knew why I broke it off with my ex and even more so after she came home when she had the tough week in work. She is funnily enough quite like my ex in a few ways, maybe not as high maintenance as she was, but personality wise she’s quite like her, intelligent and quirky but not pretentious, smug or high and mighty about it and I think she wants the same things that weren’t going to happen between my ex and I.

The thing is we get on but we’re kind of different in a lot of ways, even if something did happen I am wondering would it work and would it be the same kind of deal as it was my ex, where it was sort of a case of opposites attracting and it worked out for the best part (except for being tossed into a dealbreaker situation) along with the other major reason I ended it, which was her not wanting to spend sufficient time with me and working too much and not appreciating or valuing the relationship as much as I did.

With this woman, I can’t see her getting too caught up in her career where it affects her relationships, she does her job and does it well and when she’s not working, her mind is off it and she switches off which is definitely something my ex would not do. I can’t stand when people carry around their work troubles where they can’t enjoy anything and the relationship goes completely stagnant as a result because they can’t put it away and give it a rest. For me, you work to live, you shouldn’t live to work, I do feel like life passes you by when you get so caught up in these things.

Anyway she is home in about 4 weeks or so and all I’m wondering is, is she interested and do I have a shot? Or is it all in my head? I do feel bad for the girl I’ve been seeing for the last while, we have fun but I have only really been seeing her for the sake of having the companionship I had been missing all of last year because I had been felling hard done by, by having to put a halt to my last relationship. I don’t think I can take too much of her family (they are just too bezerk) and I hate the smoking and I have encouraged her nicely to quit, she says she will but I do think it’s falling on deaf ears with her, and she thinks I’ll continually let it go because I’m too nice about it, she doesn’t even take her time having a cigarette, when she goes out for one, she’s no sooner gone and she’s back again, it’s like she’s eating them or something! When she wants to be intimate and gets close to me she stinks of tobacco which I can’t get used to, it’s just rank and I think it stains her teeth a bit too which I can find gross at times. If I did end it with her I’d be happy to stay friends, she’s pleasant to be around most of the time, we have a laugh but sometimes I feel personality wise we’re like chalk and cheese, makes me sound like a picky f**ker doesn’t it? Sorry....

Hope whatever I have just said doesn’t give anyone a headache or whatever. Spent long enough writing this so any helpful words or any helpful words from anyone who was in a similar situation would be a help too.

retro:electro

So much irritated me about your post I don't know where to begin. The misogyny is just oozing out of it. Ugh. Break up with your girlfriend and be single. I hate to tell you but you don't sound like so much of a catch yourself. Your girlfriend will have a luck escape getting away from you.

The Princess Bride

Dillema72 wrote: »

I do feel bad for the girl I’ve been seeing for the last while, we have fun but I have only really been seeing her for the sake of having the companionship I had been missing all of last year

I wouldn't care if her family was as rough as coarse sand paper, the way you talk about this girl you're seeing is vile.
You chose to be in a relationship with her despite the smoking etc...and continue to do so despite her not ticking so many boxes for you.

Advice?
Please end your- whatever it is- with her. She deserves someone who isn't using her until someone better comes along.
For what it's worth, yeah, I dislike smokers too, but I'd never start a relationship with one and expect them to change.

I'd suggest you learn to stop sharing so much about your personal life with your friends. It's not an attractive trait.
If this new girl was my friend or daughter I wouldn't want her anywhere near you as I'd fear you'd do similar to her.

CaraMay

Your post is too long. I stopped after I saw you giving out about your gf and her family to the girl you fancy. That's not cool! Break up with your gf. She Deserves better

mordeith

CaraMay wrote: »

Your post is too long. I stopped after I saw you giving out about your gf and her family to the girl you fancy. That's not cool! Break up with your gf. She Deserves better

As a bloke I couldn't bring myself to read that essay. Anyone who posts something that long give me the impression of being a narcissist

ChampagnePop

I couldn't get through it........... but OP it's clear you need to break up with this girl.

It's disgusting that your laughing about her and her family in the pub with other women your interested in, can't you see that?

SarahMollie

I think you should read your own post and then read it again. Keep reading until you realise the following.

1. You're dating someone who you believe ie beneith you - this is clearly going nowhere. Who are you to waste her time like this?
2. Your comments about her family are beyond obnoxious - it goes back to point 1, but if these people and their background arent to your "standard" then just stop wasting peoples time and call a halt to this whole charade.
3. Who knows if this other girl likes you? Maybe, or maybe you fulfill the same function for her as your current girlfriend does for you, maybe she like the attention.
4. You and this new girl are both behaving totally inappropriately. If my BF was messaging some girl on facebook every night, he'd be out on his ear, so I'm guessing your current Girlfriend is unaware. If you can't be open about what you're doing, then you know you're being shady.

Man up, and let your current girlfriend go an and find herself a nice new boyfriend. If you want to take a chance with this girl, then go for it and if she knocks you back, then thems the breaks.

Lavinia

Dillema72 wrote: »

Going anonymous for this one.
...
Hope whatever I have just said doesn’t give anyone a headache or whatever. Spent long enough writing this so any helpful words or any helpful words from anyone who was in a similar situation would be a help too.

Hi OP, you clearly do not enjoy your current relationship, regardless of the new-old girl.
If you e.g. hate smoking (and I get that as I do too), you will not going to learn to like it, and she is not going to quit as far as it seems.
It would be really fair for her but for you too to get it over with.

As a free person I do not see why you would not then give it a go with your friend. She seems interested enough, you can go with it friendly nothing wrong with giving it a bit more time and see where it goes.

Do not be afraid to take a step, even if she is not into you you will be free to find a person who will be good for you.

Good luck!

CloudCumulus

I think the fact that you're comparing the girl you fancy to your ex says you're still not suitable for a proper relationship.
Also, the teacher knows that you're in a current relationship, so she probably sees you as someone safe to blow off steam with but not going to start getting infatuated with her.

ChampagnePop

OP, even the way you describe these women, it's as if they're a commodity and your window shopping.

What was the point in telling the story about what the mum said to you? I can't see how it's relevant other than to show off?

Katgurl

ChampagnePop wrote: »

OP, even the way you describe these women, it's as if they're a commodity and your window shopping.

What was the point in telling the story about what the mum said to you? I can't see how it's relevant other than to show off?

Well I think that's unfair; I think he was giving an example of a) how 'rough' (his words) his gf's family are and b) how things have become flirty with out-of-his-league girl.

Op I'm afraid I'm with the others and was also quite offended by your post; the emotionless comparisons girls, the 'rough' descriptions, the pursuit of this new girl despite being in a relationship.

However you didn't come here for jydgement, you came for advice so here it is -

Break up with current girlfriend. You're not into her and that is unlikely to change. Even if other girl is not interested, you would be better off on your own and your girlfriend deserves better than some bloke making do with her.

Regarding the new girl. It sounds like she is interested. See how she reacts to your new single status; if she seems pleased then ask her out.

Finally, if someone is prepared to share with you the most precious thing they have (their time) then try to appreciate it and appreciate them. It is not all about you and what they can do for you; its a two-way street.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

ChampagnePop wrote: »

OP, even the way you describe these women, it's as if they're a commodity and your window shopping.

What was the point in telling the story about what the mum said to you? I can't see how it's relevant other than to show off?

It's not that I'm window shopping for God's sake, yeah I was fond of her years ago but she was too busy with her own life and I had my own insecurities about going anywhere near her at the time (fear of rejection I guess) and was happy to have a friendship with her, so she did her bit of working and galivanting abroad now she wants to settle back at home after a bad experience in England, and we have gotten more friendly of late.

And I didn't bring up the mum comment in the pub, I told my friend that in confidence weeks beforehand and he blabbed out that she mortified me on the first encounter, and herself in the pub was really curious to know what it was and I said "No I can't tell you that, you don't want to know" but she begged us to tell her and I let my friend do it in the end. She found it quite funny at the time. It wasn't showing off I was quite embarrassed about it actually.

I don't dislike who I'm with now, she's nice but I'm just feeling like it's very different than before and I'm thinking of how personalities gel if you get me and yeah there is some things I don't like, like the fags, the somewhat short temper with people around her and I often have to tell her to relax and her family being a bit too much, they make me anxious or something to be around and my gears just grind when they start talking.

Don't think I'd ever tell her that her family would be partly the reason I'd call it quits because she would burn bridges with her family because I get the impression she can't find anyone easily.

njs030

My eyes glazed over around the time you allowed your friend to laugh at your girlfriends mum to amuse the girl you fancy.

Be single, get counselling and realise you're not better than anyone else. The girl you're with deserves someone who treats her properly.

SusieBlue

Disgusting way to treat someone your meant to be in a relationship with. You knew all these things when you asked her out yet you belittle her for your own gain and amusement in front of other people?
Where's the love, understanding, compassion, respect? You certainly feel none of these things for that girl so break up with her asap so as not o waste any more of her time. I would be absolutely devastated if I heard my boyfriend was speaking of me as you are of your girlfriend.

As a PP said, maybe the new girl likes you, or maybe she's just using you for attention. Either way you need to end your CURRENT relationship before pursuing this one any further.

I would suggest being single for awhile, you clearly aren't ready to be in a relationship if you are committing to women you feel are socially beneath you and have wandering eyes with no concern for your partners feelings. All you care about is the new girl and yourself. Put your girlfriend out of her misery and end it before you end up messing her around even further.

Big Bag of Chips

Dillema72 wrote: »

Don't think I'd ever tell her that her family would be partly the reason I'd call it quits because she would burn bridges with her family because I get the impression she can't find anyone easily.

And yet she found you! So what you're saying is your gf probably isn't all that happy with you either, yet she's also just making do because she mightn't find someone else?? Wonderful as you probably are, she will get over you. She won't cut off her family for you.

When you finish with her DO NOT tell her its because she and/or her family are "rough". That's not necessarily something she can change. Breaking up with someone and listing a long list of personal faults and insults is just wrong. It would say more about your own ego than anything else. You would only be saying it to take all responsibility for the break up off you and put it on her. You were happy enough to have a gf (any gf, even a "rough" one) until you got a whiff that something better might be available. That is not her fault, and it is not her family's fault. So don't blame them.

Just break up with her. If you want to 'look the gent' to your new "friend" tell her you realised the relationship wasn't that happy if you could sit at a bar and laugh about her and her family with anyone within earshot. So you did the kind thing and ended it.

I can't stress enough though. DO NOT tell her it's because of her or her family (not even partly!) That's a really dickish thing to do.

Piglet85

OP, I mean this with kindness: you really need to get over your ex and move on with your life.

You have been posting bitter rants about how things ended with your ex repeatedly for at least a year now, I'd say. I recognised you as soon as I started reading, and I've never met you in my life. Imagine how recognisable you must be to all the people who do know you?

Anyway, the above is relevant because you seem to be obsessing about your last relationship, and your bitterness is helping no-one. It's extremely unfair to your current girlfriend to be comparing her to your ex. If you think she's "rough" and inferior to your ex (and to you, it seems), then what are you doing with her? Do you honestly think it's acceptable to use someone so that you don't have to be alone? Do the right thing and end the relationship. And for God's sake, if you don't do that, at least stop badmouthing her and her family to your friends.

As far as it goes with the new girl, I don't think getting into something with her would be a great idea either. You need to sort your head out first. Have you tried counselling, perhaps? Or maybe you just need to give yourself a shake and decide that now is the time to let the past go. Stop looking back, stop blaming your ex, stop feeling hard done by, and move on. Properly. No comparing the past to your future, no comparing women against one another. You need to move on, consign your previous relationship to the past, and not start another one until you are ready to have an open mind and be with a woman on her own merits and for the right reasons.

robbiezero

Dillema72 wrote: »

Going anonymous for this one.

maybe it's because for me it sucks to be alone primarily

This is your problem. Break up with current girl and then look at why you would rather be with someone you describe as you did rather than be alone with yourself.