18 months-never said I love you

Floricwil

Hi guys,

I would love some perspective on this :-)

I'm 32, female and am with my boyfriend 18 months. He is amazing. He's funny, kind, good looking, caring, intelligent - he's great basically! This is actually my first proper relationship. I met him after years of going out / doing the single scene / online dating disasters so I nearly couldn't believe how much I lucked out meeting him!

Here is the issue tho - he has never told me he loves me. I also have never told him that I love him. As mentioned above, I'm inexperienced at relationships and I don't know why, but, I find talking about my emotions really really difficult!! Talking about emotions/feelings just makes me so nervous to the point where I just can't speak!

Do I just come out with it and ask him if he loves me? That would surely be a bit of a romance killer wouldn't it!? Should I just tell him I love him and see what he says....(eek!!)

I also feel it is reasonable at this point to want to know what our long term future will be...i.e. Living together, having children etc.

Writing all of this here, it seems obvious nearly....I need to talk to him!! I don't know why I find this so difficult. I think partly its because I don't want to appear needy or desperate.

Sorry, this is a bit of a brain dump! But I'd love some advice on how to move forward!
Cheers!

LegacyUser

I personally find this odd after 18 months together there's been no mention of the L word. It's a hard one tbh. I've never been in that type of situation before where it wasn't said (the longest I think was 7 months)
I'm an old school romantic so I do like the man saying it first( and meaning it obviously! )
If you don't mind so much about he romantics of it, maybe sit down and have a chat? Nothing worse than clogged emotions!

StripedBoxers

Sit down and speak to him, tell him your concerns, and ask him what he thinks the future holds for your relationship re: living together, marriage, kids etc.

After a year and a half together you should be able to speak to him, he is your boyfriend and if you feel you can't speak to him, that's a communication issue which will only cause further problems down the line if not ironed out now.

For all you/we know he could be thinking the very same as you are now given that you said you haven't said "I love you" either.

Talking to him is the only way you'll get an answer on where you stand and where your relationship it going.

ChampagnePop

No, you shouldn't ask him if he loves you, you should tell him you love him (if that's true) and see where it goes from there.

You sound very guarded, until you let people in you won't get the intimacy you're looking for.

secman

You didn't state in your post whether you do love him... do you love him ?

Floricwil

secman wrote: »

You didn't state in your post whether you do love him... do you love him ?

Yes I do love him. He is the first person ever that I have been in love with.

CaraMay

Floricwil wrote: »

Yes I do love him. He is the first person ever that I have been in love with.

There's no real way around it. If you want answers to your questions you need to ask him. Is he a similar age

Lavinia

You may ask him in some nice situation e.g. if you are relaxing on the couch together or something like that - what he feels about/for you, without necessarily mentioning the L word either way (for you or him).. and see where it takes you
Perhaps first break the ice on talking about feelings that way..

Because if you tell him - and he from whichever reason does not respond the way you hope he will, it may leave you hurt and vulnerable...

So perhaps ask him that - or ask him something like "how come we never talk about feelings", perhaps he has some issues around it so talk like that would help him to open up...
Or maybe he is thinking the same way you do so to start that conversation would get you both "out in the open"

Good luck and fingers crossed for you!!!

Floricwil

Thanks for th feedback so far everyone :-)

In response to his age, yes we're both the same age.

i think like one poster said, I am very guarded. I suppose I've been burnt in the past and the feeling of putting myself out there and being rejected was/is tough to handle. Im going to try bring it up casually enough and open the conversation up about feelings in general. Hopefully once the conversation starts it'll grow its own legs and a natural discussion can ensue. Fingers crossed!

Thanks again!

ChampagnePop

Either way at 18 months you really do need to know where you stand, no time like the present.

Good luck OP, really hope it works out for you, xxx

suicide_circus

Lavinia wrote: »

You may ask him in some nice situation e.g. if you are relaxing on the couch together or something like that - what he feels about/for you, without necessarily mentioning the L word either way (for you or him).. and see where it takes you
Perhaps first break the ice on talking about feelings that way..

Because if you tell him - and he from whichever reason does not respond the way you hope he will, it may leave you hurt and vulnerable...

So perhaps ask him that - or ask him something like "how come we never talk about feelings", perhaps he has some issues around it so talk like that would help him to open up...
Or maybe he is thinking the same way you do so to start that conversation would get you both "out in the open"

Good luck and fingers crossed for you!!!

Please don't ask him any of these not so subtle type of fishing mind game questions.

Just tell him straight out you love him. Scary but it has to be done.

Lavinia

suicide_circus wrote: »

Please don't ask him any of these not so subtle type of fishing mind game questions.

Just tell him straight out you love him. Scary but it has to be done.

It is not about "fishing" or "games".
It is about starting to talk about feelings and being sensitive - as the OP mentioned they never talked about that...

It is of course up to OP to decide...

whiskeyman

I'd stand back a bit from this one.
After 18 months, you should know if the person loves you or not without having them say it.
Actions speak louder than words... you could be in a relationship with someone who calls and texts you every day and say's 'love you!' but goes behind your back and has no respect for you.

You can talk about your future and not mention 'love' once... it's pretty much implied.
I think this is the more important bit here. Have you talked much about your relationship and your future?

Of course, it is lovely to hear and say it, and it's unfortunate you're both maybe in a 'stand off' on it to some degree because of your history and maybe he's not used to it?
Different couples work in different ways. However, if you do want to know verbally, I think you should let him know, but I don't think it's the main issue here.

batmanrobin

suicide_circus wrote: »

Please don't ask him any of these not so subtle type of fishing mind game questions.

Just tell him straight out you love him. Scary but it has to be done.

Second this. OP, you love him. Just tell him. It'll kick start a conversation that you both need to have anyway i.e. where is the relationship going. If it's going no where then at least you'll know now rather than dragging it out longer.

SarahMollie

whiskeyman wrote: »

I'd stand back a bit from this one.
After 18 months, you should know if the person loves you or not without having them say it.
Actions speak louder than words... you could be in a relationship with someone who calls and texts you every day and say's 'love you!' but goes behind your back and has no respect for you.

You can talk about your future and not mention 'love' once... it's pretty much implied.
I think this is the more important bit here. Have you talked much about your relationship and your future?

Of course, it is lovely to hear and say it, and it's unfortunate you're both maybe in a 'stand off' on it to some degree because of your history and maybe he's not used to it?
Different couples work in different ways. However, if you do want to know verbally, I think you should let him know, but I don't think it's the main issue here.

I agree with this. Some people throw the term around so much and it becomes meaningless.

Take a long hard look at your relationship - if he treats you well, is protective of you, considerate, passionate, etc etc, then I'd say you're all good. Saying "I love you" doesnt make or break a relationship

I can actually personally empathise with your situation. It took ages (over a year) for my BF to say it to me, and I'm a bit hazy on the memory at this point but I think I ended up slightly goading him into it, because it had just been ages and I deep down wanted him to say it first.

I think it came about when we'd just moved in together (after a year and it was his idea) and I made a comment about how I'd made a leap of faith because he never tells me how he feels. He then was just super matter of fact and said something like "of course I love you, can't you tell?"

He's just not naturally an affectionate person, and saying things like that just doesn't come naturally. He's only ever mushy when drunk or if we're making up after an argument (rare enough thankfully!!) but I think thats fine because although he doesn't talk the talk that often, he walks the walk on a regular basis, and I think actions speak louder than words.

Floricwil

whiskeyman wrote: »

I'd stand back a bit from this one.
After 18 months, you should know if the person loves you or not without having them say it.
Actions speak louder than words... you could be in a relationship with someone who calls and texts you every day and say's 'love you!' but goes behind your back and has no respect for you.

You can talk about your future and not mention 'love' once... it's pretty much implied.
I think this is the more important bit here. Have you talked much about your relationship and your future?

I agree people can bandy the word about a lot with no meaning and someone saying "I love you" doesn't actually make it true. I *feel* like he does love me....he's considerate, loving, kind. Just in recent weeks, the lack of verbal confirmation has been unsettling. It's all well and good for to assume he loves me but at the end of the day, I'm not inside his head and I don't know what his feelings really are.

We have spoken about the relationship to a certain extent but in hindsight I think it was all a but abstract and vague. For instance we have both stated we want a relationship with each other and we want it to "work"....but Im starting to wonder what that even means now. We've never spoken about anything tangible like living together or children or marriage.

CaraMay

Floricwil wrote: »

I agree people can bandy the word about a lot with no meaning and someone saying "I love you" doesn't actually make it true. I *feel* like he does love me....he's considerate, loving, kind. Just in recent weeks, the lack of verbal confirmation has been unsettling. It's all well and good for to assume he loves me but at the end of the day, I'm not inside his head and I don't know what his feelings really are.

We have spoken about the relationship to a certain extent but in hindsight I think it was all a but abstract and vague. For instance we have both stated we want a relationship with each other and we want it to "work"....but Im starting to wonder what that even means now. We've never spoken about anything tangible like living together or children or marriage.

I think it gets to a point, when you know how you feel about someone, that naturally you want to know they feel the same... This is the stage you are at and there's nothing wrong with that. The lack of plans doesn't mean he doesn't have any or that he doesn't want the same as you but clearly he's not yet in a position to talk about it, either because he's shy or he's not at that stage yet.

The only way to sort this is to talk to him. Imagine you don't talk to him now and he doesn't talk to you, you can either spend another 18 months wondering or maybe the next 18 months planning a future together.

The talk is hard but it's part of a grown up relationship so just do it!

ChampagnePop

Floricwil wrote: »

I agree people can bandy the word about a lot with no meaning and someone saying "I love you" doesn't actually make it true. I *feel* like he does love me....he's considerate, loving, kind. Just in recent weeks, the lack of verbal confirmation has been unsettling. It's all well and good for to assume he loves me but at the end of the day, I'm not inside his head and I don't know what his feelings really are.

We have spoken about the relationship to a certain extent but in hindsight I think it was all a but abstract and vague. For instance we have both stated we want a relationship with each other and we want it to "work"....but Im starting to wonder what that even means now. We've never spoken about anything tangible like living together or children or marriage.

You don't need to use the L word, you can express your love in different ways, you can tell him hin much he means to you, how happy he makes you, how comfortable you feel around him etc.
It doesn't need to be about just the L word.

You should address your future, next steps, but maybe leave some time between, you don't want to blind side him

whiskeyman

Floricwil wrote: »

We have spoken about the relationship to a certain extent but in hindsight I think it was all a but abstract and vague. For instance we have both stated we want a relationship with each other and we want it to "work"....but Im starting to wonder what that even means now. We've never spoken about anything tangible like living together or children or marriage.

I've just realised from an earlier post that you're not living together?

Given you're both 32 and going out 18 months, haven't you even progressed this somewhat?
How often do you see each other?
Reading back over things, you may be on different wavelengths as to how you wish to progress.
Don't you both want to spend as much time with each other if possible by living together, or for reasons unknown is this just not possible right now?

CaraMay

I don't think there's anything unusual about not living together only 18 months in

SarahMollie

whiskeyman wrote: »

I've just realised from an earlier post that you're not living together?

Given you're both 32 and going out 18 months, haven't you even progressed this somewhat?
How often do you see each other?
Reading back over things, you may be on different wavelengths as to how you wish to progress.
Don't you both want to spend as much time with each other if possible by living together, or for reasons unknown is this just not possible right now?

I see you point but I think this sounds maybe a little alarmist. I wouldnt want the OP to start seeing problems where maybe there arent any.

I think couples move at different paces and theres no one time line to follow.

As I mentioned, myself and my OH were together only a year before moving in and he suggested it. Other friends have had to seriously twist their boyfriends arms to get a bit of movement out of them!

I think after 18 months its perfectly fair to have a conversation about your future OP, but just don't be guided too heavily by what other people think you should be doing.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

beks101

Floricwil wrote: »

We've never spoken about anything tangible like living together or children or marriage.

This is what I'd be most concerned about.

Do you want these things OP - marriage, a family? I've generally found they quite naturally feature as a topic of conversation in relationships as things are progressing beyond a certain point. Certainly well within 18 months.

I was clear on my own OH's feelings on these things after a few months. We'd have quite regularly said things like "when we have kids" or "after we're married" or generally inane conversations about the future that affirm we are on the same page as each other. It'd always have been important to me to get a gauge of what a partner wants like this, as they are things I've always seen in my own future and I wouldn't want to waste time with someone who had different plans and ideas.

I think at 32 and 18 months in with someone, if these are things you want and are not naturally cropping up in conversation now, you need to ask some questions. How does the relationship progress from here if you're not clear on each other's ideas for it, each other's life goals, each other's feelings?

Rosie Rant

OP if you feel in the moment that you will burst if you don't tell him that you love him, just say it. If he feels he loves you but isn't ready to say it yet I'm sure he'll tell you. Some people are just afraid of the L word. Whether he says it back or not, the discussion about your future might progress naturally from there.