Dealing with life

LegacyUser

It is very hard for me to put into words how it is I feel but will try. Everyday I feel that I am constantly doing something wrong and feel useless. I have no sense of direction in life and never feel motivated to do anything but when I do get the urge to do something I only half arse it as I find even the simplest of tasks difficult and do not know how to deal with difficulties (Like writing this thread).

I have no hobbies or interests because I think there is too much to learn and I never know where even to start. I'll use the example of football. I would watch it but not follow it as there is too much to know and people can be critical of each other. I also don't know what I should know. Should I know what team is best, I should be able to name every player ever on that team, what leagues are there or even I should know what days football is on. These are all difficult for me to follow and understand as I feel if I don't know even one thing it's not worth while following. I do not understand why it is I feel that way about everything I do in life. I know that I cannot know everything there is to know but feel that if I get questioned about something and do not know, I will get criticised for it and that is the reason that I find it demotivating to do anything in life. I always feel that I am doing everything wrong and will be critised.

I'm 23 and in my final year of college but when I finish I do not feel like following the same career path. I do not know what it is I want to do in life and find it hard to motivate myself to do literally anything. My grades have been just average and I have been dependent on everyone else to get me through the years. I try my best to depend on myself but it never lasts as I feel I do not know what it is I am doing and I just sit there staring at blank pages waiting for someone to give me the answer. I have seen this cause other people to be dragged down too such as group projects where my tasks would not be good enough. When I do these projects on my own I feel that everything that is being asked is not relevant and find that the easy parts are only relevant. I do not try to understand the difficult parts but leave them if I don't understand and when asked I make excuses as to why I did not do it.

I also find it hard to socialise with people on a daily basis. I feel that I cannot communicate with people the way I want to because I get nervous or never know what to say. I feel that I cannot be myself around everyone as I will be looked down on and crtisised.

I have been like this my whole life and do not know how to be more confident and how to stay motivated to get work done or learn new things without feeling like I can't do anything.

I am wondering is there anyone that has ever felt this way before and can recommend ways of permanently dealing with these issues? I have promised myself many times that I would improve myself but always seem to fall back into a hole.

Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated on how to permantly change my ways. Thank you.

joanie smith

Hi,

Just from reading and not over analysing as im not qualified to do so. But i do know a little about such things. It sounds to me like you possibly had a difficult childhood. Sometimes a difficult childhood can be that you were over critisied and such things. Often in early or late childhood these difficulties are formed by the interactions and conditioning of people around you. Its not your fault at all. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Personality disorders for example do not come from nowhere. This can happen from simple things like being over critsisied or over praised or neglect of needs. My honest opinion is either go to your gp and ask for services of local mental health centre or if you want go for counselling privately. There is no shame in it, it does not mean at all that you are mentally unwell either. A psychiatric nurse told me once we all have mental health difficulties but it does not make you mentally unwell. You are struggling somewhat, have recognised it, the next step is ownership. There is help, professionals have dealt with problems like these before and will take you seriously. I dont think its about changing your ways as such i think its more about being through talking and people qualified to understand your hinderances that you will begin to understand yourself better and then be in a position to know what to do to move forward. I myself discovered this year that i have 'attachment related issues'. It stems from very early childhood (first three years of life) where I was neglected through no fault of my mother as she was very very ill. But discovering this alone has helped me understand myself better and maybe even realise i think differently to other people. You see this discovery has made me see a lot of things differently and im grateful for that. It gives me something to work on and an awareness. When you discover the source of the problem, there is healing alone in that. Be kind to yourself, and i really think talk to your GP. You dont sound anyway the first person to have these hinderances in life. Best of luck, get an appointment with a gp you are comfortable with.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the help. The reply alone helps knowing that there is help out there. I always believed I was over exaggerating everything in my head and did not actually need help as I would tell myself I'm being silly. I'll be sure to visit my GP for further advise. Thank you again for the help

ahnow

Hi OP,
You’re not alone by any means in feeling like this. I have been where you are, and have improved since then, but still sometimes it rears it’s head-even again even very recently for me, but at least I recognise it now, it takes work not to feel like that. I don’t think we’re allowed to post up links on here, but I recommend you watch a clip on youtube about Carol Dweck and Growth Mindset. There’s a Ted Talk in particular called “The power of yet”. She has done a lot of research on fixed and growth mindset, and it’s exactly what you’re talking about in your post.
What you are saying about the idea of starting football, and about your course, you are afraid of getting criticised or told you are wrong, as it would badly effect your esteem. I’ve only learned about this recently, and suffered the same thing for years, where I couldn’t finish a course, or join up to something new over the fear of failing. It would have such a bad impact on how I felt about myself, and any little setback or perceived mistake on my part would send me reeling into the deepest of depressions. I look back on one course in particular, I was okay in completing the required work for the most part, except for one particular part, which I was dreadful at. It took me a full six months to recover from the devastation of it. If I had a growth mindset at the time however, I would see it for what it was. No one is good at everything at the beginning. Just because you’re not good at one thing, doesn’t negate the other stuff you are good at. People with fixed mindset though, when faced with a set back are impacted all over from it, and see it as a complete attack on self-esteem, you’re a complete failure, cant do anything right. But people with growth mindset see it for what it is. One aspect, that needs work. So they work extra hard at their weak points in the hope that they improve. I do think it has something to do with development of self-esteem when you’re a child. I’m sure bullying can have an impact on it, and whatever else
Having said that, it’s very fresh in my memory how difficult it is not to have your self-esteem completely rattled by a set-back, but I think even knowing about this phenomenon is helpful, so I hope it will be helpful to you. You might benefit from some counselling to tease out why you have such little confidence, and it might point you in the right direction to build some confidence for yourself. Building confidence can be done, but you will have to work to try and silence the inner voice that is being so cruel to yourself and critical. You need to learn how to speak to yourself as if you’re speaking to a friend, with kindness and compassion. It takes small steps, then build to the bigger ones bit by bit.
When it comes to taking up hobbies and the like, I would not be able to join a team sport for the same reasons you stated, but I have been able to join with exercise groups, which is way less pressure. So start small and be kind to yourself.
Best of luck.

zoobizoo

Forget about football... you'll learn in life that some people are really into it, many use it as a way to shoot the ****.... if you're not into it, don't bother with it. Find a hobby you like - I took up a hobby ten years ago at 33... best thing I ever did. Opened up a whole new world of friends and things to do at weekends. It doesn't have to be a sport but it's meant to be enjoyable.

Buy two books:
Feel the Fear & Do it Anyway
The Feeling Good Handbook
They provide lots of good info and practical advice.

There's something holding you back - it's great that you are now aware of that. I would recommend Emotion Focused Therapy to discover what that is.

LegacyUser

Really appreciate all of the advise from you all. It helps knowing I'm not the only one goin through it and there is he'll available. Also that there are really good generous people out there to offer advice. I'll try all of the recommendations. In terms of counselling I am not finiancially stable to afford it so is there any other alternatives maybe? And could I do it annonymously? I am not fully confident to talk about it just yet.

Thank you again for the help

Day.dreaming

Really appreciate all of the advise from you all. It helps knowing I'm not the only one goin through it and there is he'll available. Also that there are really good generous people out there to offer advice. I'll try all of the recommendations. In terms of counselling I am not finiancially stable to afford it so is there any other alternatives maybe? And could I do it annonymously? I am not fully confident to talk about it just yet.

Thank you again for the help

joanie smith

like i said ask for referral to local mental health services,it is free. it does not mean your unwell. they are there to help. In my experience the help and knowledge they have is unbelivable. They wont share your file or information unless you agree to it. you sound like a great guy to me. Its takes courage to ring that number, do it for yourself and possibly the children you might have in the future.

joanie smith

Anonymous.... wrote: »

Thank you for the help. The reply alone helps knowing that there is help out there. I always believed I was over exaggerating everything in my head and did not actually need help as I would tell myself I'm being silly. I'll be sure to visit my GP for further advise. Thank you again for the help

you dont sound a bit silly to me. everything you said explains how you feel and is very understandable. on the plus side i think you are probably gifted with great empathy, which is something an awful lot of people are lacking in. everything has a plus and negative. i think you sound pretty emotionally intelligent despite how you are feeling. stop doubting yourself and get that help you know you need.

KikiDee

Anonymous...... wrote: »

Really appreciate all of the advise from you all. It helps knowing I'm not the only one goin through it and there is he'll available. Also that there are really good generous people out there to offer advice. I'll try all of the recommendations. In terms of counselling I am not finiancially stable to afford it so is there any other alternatives maybe? And could I do it annonymously? I am not fully confident to talk about it just yet.

Thank you again for the help

Hey OP,

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time of it. You've said you're in college? Speak to your students union or your college health centre.