Just Came Out To Mom

oisinnisio

Hey guys, so basically I came out to my bff about 2 months ago and my mother 5 days ago. The responses were very good, especially from my friend and i'm so grateful. I guess i'm looking for advice?

Where do I go from here? I'm thinking of telling my close friends next, then my brother and dad but idk. I'm not expecting great responses from them, because being gay I guess is seen as worse to most guys and no one wants to hear their son is gay (plus my dad's a man-man ya know)
I'm also curious about being seen as 'the gay guy' in university (i'm going to NUIG). Can someone give me a gauge of what its like being a fresher and being out? Any experiences? I think i'm gonna start coming out to people soooo I just wanted a heads up on what to expect.

I would be so grateful for any advice! Thanks.

Ash885

Dads and brothers can surprise you. When I told them they became my biggest supporters, make jokes about it as it's a non issue for them. So don't worry too much, but again you know your family better than I do. Just remember initial reactions are not always testament to how they really feel; shock and awkwardness can enable them to say something silly. For me, 99% my family told me they knew anyway, coming out is mostly just pointing out the pink elephant in the room and allowed us all to talk about how tragically single I am regardless of my persuasion! ^^'

With regard to college I'd embrace it! Don't shy away from who you are. If people want to pigeon you solely for being gay well...that doesn't say much about them! For my undergrad we didn't have any LGBT society, no network to make friends etc. A lot has changed now so I'd see it all as an advantage.

Congratz btw!

Ten of Swords

Well done op glad it went well with your mother and friend. Once you feel comfortable telling others, family and wider circle of friends, you will feel a weight lifted.

NUIG LGBT society is called GIG Soc. Here is a link to their facebook page.

GIG Soc

Well the advice I usually give with parents is to ride the storm. But you have one parent down already so perhaps my advice will by half as relevant to you - or twice as relevant to you given he might find out that his wife knew a long time before he did - which can hurt.

But what my advice usually is - is that all _most_ parents want from their children is that their children be happy. And - aside from the parents who are religiously or constitutionally against homosexuality - the negative reactions we get from our parents is not because they think there is anything wrong with you - but with them themselves. They fear they have a child who is on the path to depression and disease and unhappiness and all the other preconceptions people have about homosexuality.

So my advice? After coming out to your parents - without being in your face about your agenda - just show them you are happy. Let them see that who you are - and who you have come out to them as being - is not a death sentence or a sentence of depression - but a flowering and a bird of flame rising from the ashes of who they thought you were before.

But above all focus at all times on the fact that your parents - if they are average parents - just want to know above all else that you will be happy. They will worry - and hell will they say the wrong thing from time to time - but do not argue with them - just show them you really believe you are on the right path for you.

And you are worried about your man being a mans man? Well just remember - the biggest thing most men want - real men - but also real women - in fact forget the words "real" "men" and "women" here - the only thing most people want and envy - is the confidence to stand up and be who they want to be. You do that - then you have got what all men - women - mens men - womens women - and most people want. So hold on to it.

oisinnisio

Deleted User wrote: »

Well the advice I usually give with parents is to ride the storm. But you have one parent down already so perhaps my advice will by half as relevant to you - or twice as relevant to you given he might find out that his wife knew a long time before he did - which can hurt.

But what my advice usually is - is that all _most_ parents want from their children is that their children be happy. And - aside from the parents who are religiously or constitutionally against homosexuality - the negative reactions we get from our parents is not because they think there is anything wrong with you - but with them themselves. They fear they have a child who is on the path to depression and disease and unhappiness and all the other preconceptions people have about homosexuality.

So my advice? After coming out to your parents - without being in your face about your agenda - just show them you are happy. Let them see that who you are - and who you have come out to them as being - is not a death sentence or a sentence of depression - but a flowering and a bird of flame rising from the ashes of who they thought you were before.

But above all focus at all times on the fact that your parents - if they are average parents - just want to know above all else that you will be happy. They will worry - and hell will they say the wrong thing from time to time - but do not argue with them - just show them you really believe you are on the right path for you.

And you are worried about your man being a mans man? Well just remember - the biggest thing most men want - real men - but also real women - in fact forget the words "real" "men" and "women" here - the only thing most people want and envy - is the confidence to stand up and be who they want to be. You do that - then you have got what all men - women - mens men - womens women - and most people want. So hold on to it.

Thank you so much! I think i'm experiencing what you're saying and mum seems more supportive than I thought Thanks for taking the time to respond.

oisinnisio

Hahah, unfortunately I have been told I appear 'straight' so the pink elephant analogy (which I love btw and will be stolen for later use) does not apply xD! Thanks I checked out the LGBT society just there! thanks again.

Leonard Hofstadter

Best of luck OP. It's so much better to be true to yourself. I can understand every family will be different and nobody can tell you what to do, but remember almost all parents love their children unconditionally and despite what they may have said in the past about 'the gays' they change their mind very quickly when it's someone the love and care about. Most men won't care, you might get the odd 'you don't act gay' etc kind of comment. It's intended as a 'compliment' although I don't think it's a very nice thing (it's kind of like saying it's OK to be gay once you're not a total flamer or queen about it), that said if it changes one more person's perception of gay people then all the better for it. If there is a negative reaction bear in mind that especially if you're not camp it might come as a bolt out of the blue so it might take them a bit of time to get used to the fact that your life is going to work out differently to what they might have expected/hoped/intended. Obviously while Ireland is a much more progressive and accepting place, there is still some homophobia around (the haters did get 38% in the marriage equality referendum after all) so some of the negative reaction will be that parents etc will be more concerned about things like that. It will pass and it will be fine!

You'll be fine in Galway, even for a university it is very left wing so there won't be any problem with you being out. Most people come out in college anyway so it's all a bit new and you'll make plenty of friends getting involved in GiG and stuff. I lived there for a while and I absolutely loved it, not sure what the scene is like though as I wasn't out at the time but Galway people are the salt of the earth, they're such laid back down to earth people. I wish I was still living there to be honest.

baby and crumble

Deleted User wrote: »

the only thing most people want and envy - is the confidence to stand up and be who they want to be. You do that - then you have got what all men - women - mens men - womens women - and most people want. So hold on to it.

When I came out I was terrified of my Dads reaction- he'd previously been quite cutting about LGBT people (not aggressive just talking about how he didn't think it was quite normal, etc). Apparently a few weeks after I came out to both my parents he was just standing at the sink and he burst out with "Jesus I'm just so proud of her. I'd be terrified of what people would think of me but she's just being herself. Isn't that brilliant?" to my Mam. He then took full credit for raising a self-confident child. Lol.

Happy days. People can really surprise you. Best of luck OP.

oisinnisio

captainspeed wrote: »

Best of luck OP. It's so much better to be true to yourself. I can understand every family will be different and nobody can tell you what to do, but remember almost all parents love their children unconditionally and despite what they may have said in the past about 'the gays' they change their mind very quickly when it's someone the love and care about. Most men won't care, you might get the odd 'you don't act gay' etc kind of comment. It's intended as a 'compliment' although I don't think it's a very nice thing (it's kind of like saying it's OK to be gay once you're not a total flamer or queen about it), that said if it changes one more person's perception of gay people then all the better for it. If there is a negative reaction bear in mind that especially if you're not camp it might come as a bolt out of the blue so it might take them a bit of time to get used to the fact that your life is going to work out differently to what they might have expected/hoped/intended. Obviously while Ireland is a much more progressive and accepting place, there is still some homophobia around (the haters did get 38% in the marriage equality referendum after all) so some of the negative reaction will be that parents etc will be more concerned about things like that. It will pass and it will be fine!

You'll be fine in Galway, even for a university it is very left wing so there won't be any problem with you being out. Most people come out in college anyway so it's all a bit new and you'll make plenty of friends getting involved in GiG and stuff. I lived there for a while and I absolutely loved it, not sure what the scene is like though as I wasn't out at the time but Galway people are the salt of the earth, they're such laid back down to earth people. I wish I was still living there to be honest.

@captainspeed - I was thinking this, i've never done anything out-of-the-blue before and this is just one of those things. It would be a bit naive bringing a child into this world without expecting a little few adventures haha I know, the back-handed compliments will just have to be taken on the chin! As long as people aren't blatantly homophobic, there's no problems on my side.
I'm so relieved to hear your perspective on NUIG's social status. Even though my political point of view lies in the realm of centrist, it makes life really easy if they're laid back about the whole gay thing.
Thanks again for everything, very re-assuring

baby and crumble wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

the only thing most people want and envy - is the confidence to stand up and be who they want to be. You do that - then you have got what all men - women - mens men - womens women - and most people want. So hold on to it.

When I came out I was terrified of my Dads reaction- he'd previously been quite cutting about LGBT people (not aggressive just talking about how he didn't think it was quite normal, etc). Apparently a few weeks after I came out to both my parents he was just standing at the sink and he burst out with "Jesus I'm just so proud of her. I'd be terrified of what people would think of me but she's just being herself. Isn't that brilliant?" to my Mam. He then took full credit for raising a self-confident child. Lol.

Happy days. People can really surprise you. Best of luck OP.

@baby and crumble, I love that!! No yeah, as long as my dad is around the same, everything will be abso grand. I love your dad btw, overhearing him at the sink must have been an uplifting moment