Civil Funeral And Burial

Maireadio

I have stage 4 cancer. At the moment, I'm ok but I do think about my funeral and what I want for it.

I'm not religious at all and am very uncomfortable with the idea of a Catholic ceremony and burial. I know I'll be dead, but my funeral will represent who I am. And as I will be missing out on so many regular life milestones - wedding, children - it's important to me that this will represent me and who I was accurately.

As well as this, I often leave Catholic funeral feeling unenlightened about the deceased. I like the idea of people sharing stories and the music I like being played.

I thought I would start this thread as a way of gathering information for me and others in my position.

I'll have my funeral and burial in the west of Ireland so anything Dublin or other city related won't be relevant to me.

I honestly don't know where to start!

And I have heard that civil funerals can be lovely or a disaster depending!

Any information is greatly appreciated.

Spanish Eyes

So sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

Great though to hear you are taking it by the horns and doing it your way.

I cannot add anything right now, but one thing I would say is, are your family/partner etc aware of your choices?

If so, that's fekkin great.

Anyway it is your decision.

I have left a letter of wishes with my will for what I want. And have discussed it with family too. They are grand with it.. That might be a good start?

Oh dear, I hope you are alright.

Conor Bourke

I'm so sorry to hear your terrible news can I just point out how much I admire you- firstly for facing this momentous task with such bravery and secondly for not just going with the flow and doing the Catholic burial for the sake of it.

In another thread I mentioned the "Think Ahead" form. If you haven't already expressed your wishes to those nearest to you, completing the form might be a way to start opening conversations.

I know of someone who's based in the west and she's currently doing training to become a non-religious celebrant of weddings, funerals etc. I will get her details for you and pass them on if she's in a position to help.

I'm not aware of any similar funeral directors operating in Ireland but perhaps checking out this website might give you ideas which you could bring to the funeral director you'd like to use and get some guidance from them? http://www.poppysfunerals.co.uk

I hope this is of some help and if I come up with any other information or advice I'll be in touch.

looksee

How your funeral is organised is up to you, there do not have to be any rules you have to follow. There are people who organise civil funerals, but really, if you can find someone (a friend, or, indeed, someone who does civil funerals) willing to carry out your wishes there is no reason why it cannot be done. There are some very practical - logistical - things to consider and it may be best to consult with an undertaker about organising the structure of the funeral, then all other aspects of what will actually happen in terms of what will be said and how it will be presented can be worked into it.

Please do find someone in your family or friends who can be trusted to listen and offer suggestions. Not everyone will feel able to cope with discussing such an emotive thing, but you do need someone who can accept that you want to make these arrangement, and ensure that your wishes are followed.

lazybones32

Talk to your local undertaker for advice and talk it over with those who will be your official next of kin.

The undertaker will know the technical and legal aspects but it's with those who will get legal possession of your remains that you should discuss your wishes with.

If your parents are the next of kin, don't completely disallow them from having some religious service at some point for you -if they are that way inclined. Fair enough, don't have the funeral and burial Mass but let them have a Month's Mind or enroll you on a Mass list, etc;. Discuss it while you can, instead of the first notion being announced when you are beyond communication. Things like that can cause serious divisions among families.




And leave me a few quid for my advice

Water John

Mairead, this may be another reference point.

http://humanism.ie/humanist-funerals-faq/

Had a relative who was at a humanist wedding and they thought it wonderful and touching.

wuffly

Hi Mairead, sorry to hear of your diagnosis.

Thankfully there are now more options than catholic funerals.
As others have said there are humanists that perform funerals, i don't know how it works regarding burial if you are not going be buried in a graveyard, catholic or otherwise. Worth figuring out where you would like to be buried and where you can legally be buried. I know you have said dublin and other cities aren't useful but you may want to consider cremation. Cork has the island crematorium which is non denominational i haven't been myself but i have heard its 'lovely' in whatever way these places can be and in the sense that its a peaceful location etc..

Also while it is entirely up to you, funerals can be as much about the living as the person that has passed away. Even if you don't want a catholic funeral i would suggest if your family would really like something religious to allow them to have some sort of mass even if only for immediate family. Not for you as such but to allow them to pray and grieve for you in their own way. I am saying this as someone who lost their husband to cancer at young age, religious or not didn't bother me and he was not religious, more agnostic than anything but he let his family handle the funeral as they wished as he felt he would be gone and he wanted them to do what they 'needed'. Some of his friends weren't happy with this but when they knew he was doing it for his family they accepted it. I am only speaking from my experience i am not saying you have to or you should I am just saying consider to it if you can.

I would suggest talking it through with the most open person in your family or the person that you think will handle it. These conversations are hard i know as i was the person mediating and it would have helped if more people had known what he wanted. But the conversation had only been had with me and his sister. You know your family best so you will know who you can and cannot talk to about it. Please do make your wishes clear.

I am sorry that you are going through this and I wish you the best.

L1011

I attended a lovely civil service arranged by the local funeral directors and officiated by this guy. The deceased had done some planning for the service - there were readings (of poetry, rather than religious texts), stories, music, singing and so on and it finished with an actual recording of her singing - bringing a very real feeling of it being a celebration of her life rather than the procedural affair that some funerals end up being

looksee

I do understand the 'celebration of life' type of funeral, we arranged one for my mother a couple of years ago. It was religious (non-conformist) but a happy reflection on a long and very positive life. One rather distant acquaintance complained to me 'some of us would have liked to mourn her' which as funeral comments to the family go, was really quite funny. Mum would have laughed at it.

However my Catholic husband passed away recently and we organised the kind of funeral he would have wanted. None of the rest of the immediate family, especially me, are religious, but we tried to do what he would have preferred. A very simple Catholic Mass, no eulogy, no mementos, no comments on his life beyond his faith. He was a very private person and would have hated being 'talked about'. The priest, who had a beautiful voice, sang in Latin as he led the coffin into the church. Our adult children read the lessons and prayers of the faithful, in memory, I think, of their childhood mass attendance, he took them every week without fail, they have fallen away now but without animosity. It was a beautiful and very appropriate occasion.

What I am trying to say is that a funeral can be organised for any preference, there are no rules; do what seems right for yourself, OP. I hope your planning gives you some comfort and I am sure it will help others in your situation.

CaraMay

Op, sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

Another think to query - if there are non religious cemeteries in your area or if a cremation is a better option

The Princess Bride

I can recommend the following for a very personal and individualised service. Was at one recently and was most impressed with every element of it.

http://spiritualceremonies.ie

Maireadio

Hi all, just want to say thanks for all your posts! I'll reply to them all in due course but I don't like to think or write about this stuff all the time as it would be a bit overwhelming, hence the lack of response.

I tend to need to be in the mood and to psyche myself up for it. So I will respond soon when it's the right time. I'll respond to all the posts individually then.

Shint0

Sending good wishes to you.

Maireadio

Shint0 wrote: »

Sending good wishes to you.

Thanks. I've been spending the last few week soaking up the sun. Last summer was a nightmarish diagnosis-and-chemo haze for me and my fiancé, whereas now I'm just getting monthly hormone injections (that going by my reduced symptoms seem to be doing something), so we can actually enjoy this summer. And I intend to, as it may be my last!

Also, I always hated applying suncream as I hated the greasiness. Well, now that matters not. May as well get melanoma too. :pac: Come at me, sun, COME AT ME!!!