Need advice

LegacyUser

Here's my complicated story, I'm with my current gf 6 years who I really enjoy being with.

Over the course of the past few years I became friends with a girl from work to the point where she is my best friend and one of the people I really trust as a friend. Also we have very similar personalities and have the same outlooks on life etc. I don't get on with anyone else better in life, even my gf.

Over the past few months I guess I've started to have feelings for her beyond being just friends and it has my head and heart torn apart. At the stage now where I want to draw a line in the sand and cleanse my mind and tell her how I feel about her and let her respond however.

The other side of this is I risk losing my best friend.

Basically I need advice! Tell her or not tell her.

Merkin

And where does your girlfriend feature in all of this?

Will you wait for the big reveal, gauge this girls reaction and then act accordingly?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

And where does your girlfriend feature in all of this?

Will you wait for the big reveal, gauge this girls reaction and then act accordingly?

Really don't know, my heart is torn. Last few weeks have been a state of flux not knowing what to do. Just feel like I should be honest to her.

2rkehij30qtza5

What about your gf? Shouldn't you break up with your girlfriend if you are not 100% committed in your heart to her? I wouldn't say a word to your 'friend' until your girlfriend is no longer in the picture.

Exclamation Marc

Break up with your girlfriend and then tell the new girl how you feel.
-Or-
Stay with your gf and start cooling/ending your relationship with your new friend.

It's one or the other. You've been with your gf for too long that anything other than one of the above is a serious d**k move.

retro:electro

You're more concerned about losing your best friend then you are about betraying your girlfriend, says it all really.

Colser

I have no idea what I'm doing wrote: »

Here's my complicated story, I'm with my current gf 6 years who I really enjoy being with.

Over the course of the past few years I became friends with a girl from work to the point where she is my best friend and one of the people I really trust as a friend. Also we have very similar personalities and have the same outlooks on life etc. I don't get on with anyone else better in life, even my gf.

Over the past few months I guess I've started to have feelings for her beyond being just friends and it has my head and heart torn apart. At the stage now where I want to draw a line in the sand and cleanse my mind and tell her how I feel about her and let her respond however.

The other side of this is I risk losing my best friend.

Basically I need advice! Tell her or not tell her.

Whatever you do with your "friend" I would suggest that you break up with your GF first,the above sentence is hurtful for any girl to read and says it all really.

Big Bag of Chips

This new found friendship will not have escaped your gf. It is telling that you are more concerned about your relationship with your friend than you are about your gf. Finish with your gf for a start, she's obviously just a back up plan at this stage. Then see how you feel about your friend.

One way or another you risk losing her as a friend. You can't continue a platonic friendship now because you don't just have platonic feelings for her. And if you tell her there's a chance she won't feel the same and it becomes awkward between you.

Then there's the chance she feels the same.

Finish with your gf though.

Merkin

I have no idea what I'm doing wrote: »

Really don't know, my heart is torn. Last few weeks have been a state of flux not knowing what to do. Just feel like I should be honest to her.

Honest with your girlfriend you mean. Yes, you should. Breaking it off with her needs to be your next move and then you're a free agent when it comes to pursuing anyone else. Keeping your girlfriend 'in reserve' would be cruel and heartless.

CaraMay

It's not really complicated op, unfortunately it happens all the time. Where is it going with your gf? After 6 years do you want to settle down with her? If not, why? I'm sure people's heads can be turned in long term relationship and this is time to figure out why. Does your gf want marriage / kids? Is this maybe your sign that you don't want that with her.

armaghlad

End it with your gf. After 6 years and you're questioning your relationship. You aren't meant to be together.

SarahMollie

It sounds to me like you want strangers on the internet to validate your behavior and allow you to go behind your girlfriends back.

You want to have your cake and eat it too. You want to suss things out with the girl at work, whilst you remain in your current relationship, so that if she says no, then you're no worse off.

You're being incredibly selfish and unfair to your girlfriend.

Ande1975

OP,

I was in an almost identical situation as this. I was the 'work friend'.
He was in a relationship for a long time and started to make the moves on me.
It made me very uncomfortable as he was living with the girlfriend at the time.
In the end he broke up with her and he and I started something.
Truth be told I didn't trust him. I just couldn't understand how someone could go from one person to another so quickly (It happens I know) but I couldn't trust his feelings for me.
The whole situation made me uncomfortable and I couldn't relax. As soon as he knew I wasn't going to move forward with him, he went back to the girlfriend and married her.
He was someone who couldn't be on his own and I probably saved myself a LOT of heartache.

Reading your post reminds me so much of this because I get the impression you will stay with your girlfriend if this friend rejects you.
Figure out what it is you really want. If its the work mate, then split up with your girlfriend. Have some respect for them both.

baldbear

I think enjoying been your partner is not good enough foundation to continue a relationship.

You need to show her respect and end the relationship if younare having such doubts.

It sounds like you want to have your cake & have a back up cake too.

KikiDee

You need to work out where your head is at with your GF before thinking about declaring your feelings to your work friend. It could be that you're confused about the situation with your GF and your head is giving you mixed signals. Sort out your relationship, either by working through your feelings or ending it. IMO, from your post, it does sound like ending it is the better option. After 6 years, while it's great you enjoy being with her, you haven't mentioned loving her etc.

Pomplamousse

Please do your girlfriend a favour and break up with her.

CaraMay

Oh and just because she's a good friend doesn't mean ye will be a good romantic couple. It doesn't always work like that

pookie82

Have a chat with your gf. Tell her what you've told us here.

Pretty sure after that you'll be free to do what you like.

Don't even think about sussing out your "friend" first. If you really think your current gf is dead in the water, finish with her and then see if something develops with your mate over time. Bear in mind that she might just seem like a really great alternative because you don't live with her, see her downsides, bad habits, mood swings or pyjama days. Are you getting an idealised version of her due to boredom with who you're with?

I can't believe you're thinking of going to the "other" girl first with this. Astonishing. If your gf is in any way astute she probably has an inkling this is coming anyways. 6 years is a long time to devote to someone, really think about that and pay her the respect she deserves by making sure she's the first to know.

SarahMollie

pookie82 wrote: »

Have a chat with your gf. Tell her what you've told us here.

Pretty sure after that you'll be free to do what you like.

Don't even think about sussing out your "friend" first. If you really think your current gf is dead in the water, finish with her and then see if something develops with your mate over time. Bear in mind that she might just seem like a really great alternative because you don't live with her, see her downsides, bad habits, mood swings or pyjama days. Are you getting an idealised version of her due to boredom with who you're with?

I can't believe you're thinking of going to the "other" girl first with this. Astonishing. If your gf is in any way astute she probably has an inkling this is coming anyways. 6 years is a long time to devote to someone, really think about that and pay her the respect she deserves by making sure she's the first to know.

So true. The grass is not always greener when you see if first thing in the morning, and then all day every day.

Further, if you aproach your work friend while still in a relationship, you might be scuppering future chances there. Then you'll always be that guy who went behind his girlfriends back.

Theres an old adage that I happen to think is true.

"If he'll cheat for you, he'll cheat on you"

Scarinae

I have no idea what I'm doing wrote: »

I'm with my current gf 6 years who I really enjoy being with.

You don't mention anything about loving your girlfriend. If you've been with her for six years and don't love her, stop wasting her time and let her find someone who will love her rather than just keep her hanging around as a convenient backup option.

sharkey 25

Hi op

I agree with almost all of what has been said here.
Coming from someone who has been a bf that has been in a similar situation. It is quite hurtful. I think you owe it to your gf to come clean and let her know how you feel about this other girl.

In my own situation my ex had kissed another guy and developed feelings for him while keeping her options open with me. I had sussed something was up and asked her if there was someone else. She denied it on many occasions until finally coming clean and ultimately dumping me by text and admitting she slept with him.

So please I would urge you to come clean with your gf. I know that if my ex had it would have been so less painful. I can see why my relationship ended and that it was probably the best thing but the lack of respect was the thing that stung and made me question how much she cared in the first place.

Im sure she was conflicted and not sure what she wanted but keep both options available is going to lead to a bad outcome for someone