Brother's divorce and family

LegacyUser

Mods, please move this if not the appropriate forum.

A bit of a history so that the issue makes sense. My brother got married in 2010 after proposing in 2009. However, between proposing and getting married they emigrated, first to Canada, then to the US. My brother has always been a little bit secretive, and before he proposed, I had only met his girlfriend once. I've since met her maybe 5 or 6 times more, including their wedding. I also haven't seen him, or spoken to him since early 2014. Neither have my parents, and from what I understand, neither have cousins or uncles/aunts. This has not been due to lack in trying on our parts, but apparently he just ignores our emails and blocks our calls. All this is his perogative, and there is nothing much we can do to change his mind.

Today:
I got some unusual news this morning from my sister-in-law (or ex-sister-in-law now). Basically she told me that my brother and herself got divorced 18 months ago, and that she no longer has any dealings with him, and would like no further dealings with members of his family. That is all fair enough, and I fully understand her reasons. The message also contained some information regarding how to contact him, and a bit of news about him. The were no details of what caused the divorce, or anything else, which I guess is within her progative.

However, I'm now left in a bit of a quandary.

Is it my place to tell my parents about the divorce, and the other news about him?

I feel that if I do tell them, they, especially my mother, will be devastated, as they are very proud of my brother. (There are at least 3 photos of himself, with his now ex-wife, hanging in the hall and living room. There are none of me!). If I don't tell them, they will probably not find out for a long time. Also they send Christmas cards every year to friends and relatives, and they send one to him at the address they have for him in the US, where his ex-wife lives.

TL,DR
Do I tell my parents of my brother's divorce, considering he doesn't speak to the family?

Sapphire

On one hand it's his own business and I'd kind of assume that if he wanted your parents to know he would have told them. But if you know and have kept it secret from your parents, and then they subsequently find out about it then you could be in the doghouse for not saying anything.

What about contacting him yourself with the new contact information and ask him what you should do, and explain that you never wanted to be put in a position to keep secrets from your parents so could he advise you what to do?

SarahMollie

Two questions;

- what prompted the contact with his (now ex) wife?

- is he kept in contact with your parents, even if not you/your cousins?

If your brother has cut contact with them, chances are they're already hurt by him. I know this might be a further blow, but in the context of someone who has just gone off the grid, is it really worse news than what he's already done.

I think it might hurt them more by being kept in the dark.

Toots

I think you'll need to tell them. If the ex-wife has requested no further contact with his family, and she is still living at their old address, it could be very upsetting for her to still keep getting Christmas cards (and possibly birthday cards) etc addressed to him or both of them from your parents.

I suppose if you really didn't want to mention the divorce, you could simply tell your parents that he'd changed his address, but then you'd probably have to somehow explain how you came by that information.

silverharp

I'd tell them maybe let your brother know and give him a chance to but otherwise do pass on what you know. Its not fair on your parents

PressRun

I'd tell them. There might be an argument for not telling them if he was still speaking to your family and just needed some space before telling them himself, but since he seems to have cut contact and doesn't appear to have any intention of updating any of you, I don't see why you couldn't or shouldn't simply let your parents know. Sure, they might be disappointed, but it doesn't sound like your brother has a huge amount of regard for their feelings anyway since he hasn't spoken to them in two years.

miezekatze

I think you'll need to tell them. It doesn't look like your brother is going to tell them himself, and they should know about this. They would probably be upset if you don't tell them and they find out some other way later, and that you knew about it. It puts you in an awkward position, but not much you can do about it. Maybe print out his ex wife's email so they can read it themselves.

KikiDee

While it may not be the most comfortable thing you'll ever do, you've got to tell them. Ultimately, he's their son. And even though he's decided to cut contact with you all, including your parents I'm assuming, they still deserve to know. You could also use the contact info his ex gave you and reach out to him.

CallMeFlo

Did she say how he is, as in he's doing alright at the moment? Could it be that he cut contact with your family after the divorce as he was ashamed of his marriage failing? As you said your parents are very proud of him so he may be burying his head in the sand about things and since so much time has past he may find it difficult to resume contact again

2rkehij30qtza5

I think they deserve to know. While it's not your job to tell them, it's also not your job to keep this information from them. So given your brother hasn't told them and you now know, I think you need to let them know the state of affairs.

hairyprincess

I think you need to tell your parents. But then I don't know why he has distanced himself from your family and it may be relevant.
I'm also concerned about what this other news is about him, is it health related?

Hollister11

I'd try to contact your brother before you tell your parents. But I would still tell them even if you can't reach your brother. There entitled to know Imo.

intheclouds

Of course tell them.

Its not like you were told as a secret right?

osarusan

I think you should tell your brother that they need to know, and that he should be the one to tell them.

But also that you will tell them if he won't.

meeeeh

OP,

Did you have a thread here before about your parents hanging no pictures of you on the wall and possibly some other threads?

Anyway I would tell your parents, them not knowing won't un-divorce your brother.