Having trouble moving on

Life Upgrade

Another relationship breakdown thread. Things officially ended with my ex a few weeks ago when he met someone new. Much as I care for him I know he's gone and he's not coming back. We'd had more downs than ups lately and in the aftermath her confided he'd been wanting to meet someone new for a while. I could be mad at him for the way it ended but there's no winners in that kind of scenario. I've cut all contact and think that's the healthiest move for me.

I am really struggling to come to terms with it though. I've had a rough 18 months or so with bereavements and problems at work and I am just drowning. I'm seeing a counsellor which is helping and I suppose losing him his forced me to look at my life and how it's not what I thought it would be. I know time heals but how long are we talking here?!

I would like to move on but feel being single in my 30s has me consigned fo the scrap heap and that I wasted the best years of my life on him! I live in a new town with few friends just now and have way too much time on my hands to wallow. I've tried online dating but find I don't click with anyone the way I did with him and then my mind is drawn to how quickly he was able to move on and that makes me feel even worse.

Aside from keeping busy, minding myself and seeking the support of friends do you guys have any tips for moving past this? Thanks!

beks101

Ah sorry for what you're going through OP xx

Life Upgrade wrote: »

Aside from keeping busy, minding myself and seeking the support of friends do you guys have any tips for moving past this? Thanks!

Just keep doing what you're doing. Keep swimming. It's only been a few weeks and you're already keeping your head above water in ways that many others would struggle to in the immediate aftermath. It took me weeks to resurface from my bedroom and face the real world after my last breakup and the post-breakup weeks are a blur of overworking, undereating, emotional breakdowns in public places and large quantities of booze - so you're doing OK!

The post-breakup OMG FOREVER ALONE!!!!1!11 freakout is inevitable, but it's a symptom of losing the routine of having a partner and being single for the first time in years. Let the feelings happen and just try to sit it out. Yes, dating in your thirties is a different scene, but IME it's about wasting less time messing around with unsuitable fellas and things happen faster when you meet someone because you're both that bit older and more mature and secure. More sure about what you want. It can be a lot less frivolous and a lot more rewarding and you've less tolerance for the time-wasters of your twenties.

But maybe it's not time just yet to railroad into the dating scene. The inevitable comparisons to your ex and meeting the "nice but meh" lads can hit you a bit harder when you haven't given yourself time to properly heal. Now's the time to be kind and patient with yourself, keep talking to your counsellor, cry your eyes out, write about him if it helps, seek support from your family/friends, hug your pillow and watch sappy movies and then put yourself together and take yourself out into the world even though you feel you can't face it. Take it a day, an hour and a minute at a time. You'll have breakdowns and set backs and good days and bad - that's where the healing happens. Let it happen.

And breakups are rarely even. Unfortunately this time your ex was the one who got away lightly - he seemed to have clocked out far before you did. He's moved on and that's hard to see. But this is about you being comfortable and doing things at a pace that suits you. Try to avoid any contact or sightings of him. Block him everywhere and just focus on the things that help you through the day.

We all go through it and we all come out the other side stronger. You will too, I can assure you x

Hombre Lobo

The time to move on is different for everyone but the longer you two were together then the longer it could take.
The person who left usually always moves on quicker because most times they have already detached themselves from the relationship before telling their OH.

I was seeing someone for nearly 12 years and it probably took me close to two years to move on emotionally from it, whereas my ex was engaged to someone four weeks after we broke up.

Being in your thirties, you are definitely not confined to the scrapheap! I think you just need to spend some time on yourself and start feeling good about yourself and your mental health.

Do you do any exercise? I find it's a terrific way for clearing your head and improving your mental health. Perhaps some running, swimming or hiking might help. Without it I would have to say I'd really struggle. It's really helped me keep positive.

maccored

6 months ago my wife walked out of a 24 year marriage and left me in much the same state as you are now OP. I thought the world had ended, plus Im not even in my thirties anymore but at the other end of my 40s. Now, I'm as happy as larry. You just have to keep the faith and trust things will work out for the best. I still have a lot of feelings for my ex, but I use the anger I sometimes feel (its ineividable every now and then) to make me realise that in all reality, it was the best thing ever to happen to me (which it actually was). Spend time being you and get to know yourself again. Once you get there you'll find there's plenty of scope and you certainly arent on the scrapheap. Im not out the other end yet all the same but I reckon Im very near the end of the tunnel. give yourself a year and when you look back you wont know what the fuss was all about.

Dr Crayfish

Sounds like you're doing quite well. Bravo. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago and just did the exact same thing you're doing. I even started dating ridiculously soon after the breakup, looking back now it's laughable. The last thing I needed was to be going out with other women!
So just keep doing what you're doing, and try not to worry too much about being single, you're not missing out on that much and you'll realise that soon enough. There's plenty of time to meet someone else when you're ready, if that's what you want in the future. Hang in there, we can guarantee you you'll be ok sooner or later. I couldn't be happier now and learned some valuable lessons should I choose to become involved with someone again.

SarahMollie

Hombre Lobo wrote: »

The time to move on is different for everyone but the longer you two were together then the longer it could take.
The person who left usually always moves on quicker because most times they have already detached themselves from the relationship before telling their OH.

Don't be in too much of a rush to date, that will all come in time. Whats said above is also really true. If you weren't the person to end things, its totally normal to feel behind the curve at this point.

To echo what others have said, I think you're doing remarkably well. You should be proud of yourself for getting help and I think it will really stand to you in the long run.

All the advice above is good, so all I'd like to add is just not to be too hard on yourself and to give yourself time to grieve, but not to wallow.

silverbolt

It takes time OP, nothing else anyone can really say.

But once you get there you will find yourself happy out. You can learn to be happy again just by being by yourself