Up-and-Downs in Relationship - I'm the Headwrecker!

LegacyUser

I'm 20, first relationship with this guy I adore. We were great friends for a year and have been together for a few months, but it's just so up-and-down. His heart is 100% in this - he talks about the future and I keep telling him to slow down. He liked me for months before I felt the same, so we were never on the same page, so to speak. It can be sweet to see how much his heart is in this, but at other times it's scary and annoying because I don't feel that intensity. I'm not there yet.

For the first few weeks it was completely that honeymoon period. It wore off on me before it did for him and so after a few days and dozens of 'cutesy' texts, I got annoyed. I didn't want to be texting him "I miss you too" 10+ times a day (literally - he's even done so four times in an hour, insane), because I didn't miss him. But if I didn't text it back, he'd draw attention to it and I've felt obligated to since.

I go through this phase every couple of weeks - I really like him, it'll peak, and then quickly I'm hugely unhappy (not always just with our relationship) and I lose interest in him. I've never seen him when it happens (we see each other usually twice a week), so he picks up that I'm a bit cold in my texts. I explained it to him that I've been up-and-down and so when my emotions go up and down so do my feelings for him.

Every two-or-so weeks I'm thinking we should break up. When I'm in that happy phase I'm so grateful that I didn't, but when I'm not happy then I seriously envy my single friends.

We've been together for almost four months, but I'm moving to the UK for the summer. He booked flights to come over as a surprise about a month ago. I agreed he could stay at mine for the few days (I'd checked the visitors policy with the landlord).

I broke up with him one evening a week after that. I was in that low point and couldn't be with him any longer. I felt trapped, but after a few hours of the break-up it felt like the biggest mistake. I felt so stupid, but maybe they're normal feelings of regret? I wasn't sure. I could barely hold myself together and kept sobbing uncontrollably. I'd lost a best friend so maybe it was the feelings of regret about that. He called me the next morning, and I was so thankful as I'd felt empty and lost and hurt by what I'd done. We were back together from then on the condition that I never broke up with him again - three weeks later and here I am, contemplating it. But I remember that pain and keep thinking "why do that again? I'll likely regret it."

I feel terrible. I've put him through so much. He's my best friend. I don't want to hurt him again, but I feel it's unfair to be with someone who is so in this relationship when I'm not. I sound like a headwrecker. I'm wrecking my own head too. I just don't know what to do. Nobody in my family has ever been in a happy, long-lasting relationship, my friends haven't been since their mid-teens, so I don't know if this is normal. It doesn't feel like it.

ElleEm

What are the exact reasons you want to break up with him? Is it just because he is so full on? If so, then tell him. Say you feel a bit smothered or that you don't like all the smushy texts or whatever. If it is bigger than that and it won't change, then call it a day and deal with it. You really shouldn't be struggling this much into a four month relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

The way you're describing your boyfriend, I'm not sure I'd like to go out with him either. He's way too needy and intense for my liking. You're only together a few months and he's talking about the future. You're 20 years of age for heaven's sake. The texting is over the top in my opinion too, especially as it's something you feel obliged to do, rather than something you're feeling.

I think this could be your gut screaming at you that this feels all wrong. I know he's your friend and he's someone you care about. Maybe he's just not the right person for you as a boyfriend?

LegacyUser

Sorry that this is so long. It feels like I could write a novel on this!

I'll be honest - he was talking about a future before we were together. When he first told me he liked me, he was saying he saw us getting married and whatnot, but I never took him as serious because who would? I didn't think he was even serious when saying he had feelings for me, never mind the marriage stuff. After a few weeks together, he was talking about how he thought and hoped that I could be "the One," and I was so mad for him and being with him was so exciting that I just let it go over my head.

I feel like a fool. I've let him rush ahead to this stage and I want to tell him to reign it in but he's so far ahead of me, I can't.

He told me he has moved too fast before but I thought he meant physically and I made it clear that I wouldn't be moving at any speed (we haven't slept together yet, and is very understanding as to why and that it'll be a while yet).

I don't want to break up and regret it again knowing that he won't take me back again. I'm worried that he's right. Maybe we are supposed to be together and I'm just scared? He's so convinced of it. It's scary to think that I could have met the best person possible for me so young, and given him up because I was afraid.

He's so understanding and sweet, and caring and kind and I'd never dated someone like that. The last guy I dated wasn't understanding of the, eh, limitation I've got when it comes to being physical (friend of a good friend - apparently he called me weird as I outright refused to hug him in a public area but he still did so twice anyway, which was far too much for me at the time and I got so upset). The guy before him should have scared me. He was very manipulative (and not single, as it turned out).

I'm afraid to give him up in case this is just a reaction out of fear because I'm afraid of so many things here. Will I ever be good enough for him? Will I ever love him? Will I learn to love him? Am I going to regret staying with him? Should I trust my friends who don't like him? Could I find someone I'm more suited to than him, or should I count my blessings that someone like me could get someone like him ? But then again - he's one of my best friends. Of course I'm afraid to lose him.

He asked why we broke up and I didn't have a reason. I just wasn't feeling anything for him anymore because I was in that low point - but when he rang I wanted him so much again. My head is melted, and with exams so soon I just need it to not be.

Ursus Horribilis

There's no need to apologise for the long post. It's filling in a lot of detail for me. To be honest, I think you should split from him and spend time being single.

I'm sure this lad has his good points but a lot of what he's saying and doing is making me feel extremely uneasy. I think it is bothering you big time too - you're coming across as someone who feels like she's way in over her head with this. Who'd blame you? You've got someone you've only just got together with talking about "The One" and weddings. That's bunny boiler stuff in my book.

You sound like you feel overwhelmed and powerless in all of this. I can understand that but you've got to realise that none of this is your fault. He's the person who has issues. He has form when it comes to moving too fast - I bet if you got talking to his ex girlfriend she'd have some interesting things to say. You shouldn't have to rein in your boyfriend. If this was a healthy, balanced relationship you'd not feel like you do now. Things would be progressing at a more realistic, steady pace and you'd probably feel better about it.

You mentioned in your second last paragraph that your friends don't like him. I think that is very significant. Why? Are they seeing something in him that you can't see? Do they know something you don't? In my experience, people tend to keep their thoughts on their friends boyfriends to themselves unless there's something badly wrong.

Have you ever been to counselling? You sound like someone who could do with talking to someone. If I'm reading this right, you've already dated two boyfriends who weren't all that great. Now you're onto a third one who has issues. There's a bit of a pattern emerging here and it's a worrying one. Add to that the comments you made about your family background and your fears about your future love life... I think you should talk to someone. There should be a counselling service in your college.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your posts.

My friends only met him once, and they think he's not right for me at all. Before they met him, they thought he sounded great, but he has a couple of opinions that my friends and I would disagree with, so he was written-off then. He was kinda friends with another one of my friends before we got together who never really liked him either.

I didn't even plan on us having a relationship at the start. It was supposed to be a "let's see what happens" kind-of thing for me at least, where we took it slowly as I wasn't completely interested in dating in general at that time (which I thought he understood).

I started counselling last August but I've never mentioned anything to do with relationships as there's a few bigger fish to fry.

I didn't think I was ready for a relationship, but we'd gone out a few times and he thought it was a natural progression for us and I liked him so much that I figured maybe I was just being too afraid (I do that a lot) and that maybe I wanted it but didn't allow myself to acknowledge it (I do that too, e.g. I'll want a job but won't apply as I don't feel good enough at what I do to even say "I want it").

I can't break up with him again. He'll be too hurt and will hate me. He told me we could get back together again if I never broke up with him, and that was only a couple of weeks ago. I can't do that to him again.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you still seeing the counsellor? I think you really should bring it up with them as soon as possible. I feel your past and present experiences with men are very much feeding into the issues you're having. I can understand why you don't want to break up with your boyfriend again but fear of the alternatives is not a good reason for staying with him. Maybe for now you should stay with him but stand up for yourself. Tell him out straight that his intensity and neediness are smothering you. You shouldn't have to feel compelled to send smushy texts every 10 minutes just because he does. I still stand by my assertion that his behaviour is in bunny boiler territory but that's a judgement you should make. Tell him the relationship is going way too fast for your liking and slow things down. If he cares about you as much as he claims to do, he will respect your wishes. If not, you should think very long and hard about where this is going.

Stop worrying about how hurt he'll feel or that you'll lose a friend. Think about how YOU feel about having this guy as your boyfriend and if you're happy with the way he's driving things. It's interesting that you felt trapped and freaked in the days after he booked those surprise flights to the UK. Why? Because you'd have him on your floor with no way of having space and time to yourself? What is your gut telling you?

Edit: I wish some other people would chip in and reply to this thread. I feel like I'm shouting in an echoey cave here.

Big Bag of Chips

Asking someone to promise they'll never break up with you sounds like something a 13 year old would do. Your bf sounds very immature, to put it politely. I'm guessing he hasn't much relationship experience. And you don't seem to have much good experience yourself to measure this relationship against. That sort of carry on is draining, and you can't continue it just so as not to hurt his feelings. I think you are very good friends with him, but never saw him as more than a friend. He wore you down until you agreed to be his gf and now here you are. Not fully 100% about it all. Relationships aren't supposed to be such hard work in the early days.

I think you either need to do the mature thing and sit down like two adults and discuss your relationship and what you both expect from it, or you need to finish it, cut all contact and block him on everything. Staying in touch with him will do 1 of 2 things. It will give him false hope, or it will allow him access to you to wear you down again and convince you you should be together.

A person shouldn't have to "wear another down" to go out with them. It should be natural, it should be organic and it should be mutual. Only then can it really work out.

I think the kindest thing you can do for this fella is let him go. He'll be devastated, but it'll be a good life lesson for him.. and he WILL get over you! The alternative is "never break up with him" and get married in 5 years time .

silverbolt

Odus fell down wrote: »

The way you're describing your boyfriend, I'm not sure I'd like to go out with him either. He's way too needy and intense for my liking. You're only together a few months and he's talking about the future. You're 20 years of age for heaven's sake. The texting is over the top in my opinion too, especially as it's something you feel obliged to do, rather than something you're feeling.

I think this could be your gut screaming at you that this feels all wrong. I know he's your friend and he's someone you care about. Maybe he's just not the right person for you as a boyfriend?

Pretty much this. Im a bloke and I'm saying this is too much. He needs to slow down.

Your issue now is that you like him but hes smothering you.

ask yourself is it worth saving? If yes then fix it, tell him how your feeling and what he needs to do to sort this.

If not then let it go.

CaraMay

You are never going to meet someone who has all the same opinions as you