AmIBeingUnfair

LegacyUser

So I have just had a huge row with my partner which culminated in him storming out and calling me a princess and insinuating I only want a millionaire who will shower me with presents!

In our relationship I earn more which means I pay for the vast majority of food, outings etc. I also pay for wedding presents and presents for his nieces and nephews. "We" are currently saving to upgrade our car which we have been planning for two years. He regularly talks about how excited he is and looking forward to it but has absolutely nothing to contribute to it do I will be shouldering the cost. I was somewhat ok with this. Fast forward to last night and we had talked about going out this weekend. Anyway reality hit and I realised I wouldn't be able to afford it. Fine. He said that was grand and nothing more was said until I heard him on the phone. He is going to London next weekend with his friends. Am I being totally unfair to think my boyfriend should have offered to take me out when he clearly had enough money but chose to spend it with his friends.

CaraMay

You aren't being unfair. He's being a bit of a leech. Why are you doing all the saving? Had he not mentioned he was going away? Him insulting you like that was just deflecting the issue.

I would be really p'd off if I was out of money and he was pretending he had none.?

LegacyUser

Op here,
Maybe I am way too soft but God it actually hurts to see u describe him as a leech!! I suppose in my previous post I didn't put forward any of his good qualities so it's hard to get an overall picture.
Mods is it possible to get this deleted? I suppose now I see the responses I will get I don't really want them anymore!

Emme

OP, you are not being unfair at all. You certainly aren't behaving like a princess. However he is behaving a bit like a kept man. Does he often book weekends away with his friends or is this the first?

If he goes away regularly without you while expecting you to shoulder 80% of the expenses and doesn't treat you from time to time he's taking you for a mug. Are you happy to be a walking ATM for him forever?

I hope this doesn't offend you or annoy any of the mods but that's how I see it. When he comes back from the weekend away have a serious chat with him and tell him you want him to contribute more or at least pay his share towards wedding presents. Let him pay for presents for his own nieces and nephews himself.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever sat down with a pen and paper and worked out how much you're paying out of your pocket towards everything and how much he is? Is there a big difference between what you both earn? Because I'm getting the impression that you are the person who's paying far more than your fair share. In isolation, I'd not necessarily see the trip to London as being anything to get upset about but this seems to be what has brought this issue to a head.

canttalk

It's hard to tell if you're being unfair or not.

If you knew about his trip in advance then you can't get upset about it.

If he decided spur of the moment or planned behind your back then yes, you can be as angry as you like at him. Shared finances are that- shared! A weekend to London for me would be around 500.. That's a good bit towards tax or insurance right there, never mind house expenses.

How do you work out your monthly or weekly budget? Do you sit together and plan x y for groceries, bills and who will take over what?

It may be that hesbecome so used to you handling everything you've become the default "mummy will take care of it" in the relationship. Once that happens its very hard for the other person to see you as a partner again

Or it could be he's so broke from all the bills he's decided petulantly to "trwat " himself, since he's always broke or feels like it and "you have money and I don't," type of thing

Either way I think you need to have a long conversation and soon OP. Both scenarios would be showing me the end of the relationship is coming about, and I speak from experience but you know your man better.

Bottom line he shouldn't be getting angry there's no money for a good time and the car will be yours no matter the situation as you're only boyfriend and girlfriend.

Sligo1

Not that this helps but,,,,, I'd absolutely murder my oh if he even attempted that after me shouldering the costs for everything including presents for his family, tbh,,, I wouldn't be paying for presents for his family or wedding gifts for friends of his full stop, it seems he's happy to live this nice lifestyle you are providing for him whilst taking you completely for granted, I get as you are together you can't live seperate lifestyles etc,,, especially if you enjoy the finer things,,,, and that's fine as you can afford it, but he can't, don't be forking out money for gifts he should be buying,

I think he has a fecking nerve booking a holiday away with his friends tbh if he can barely afford food, as caramay said,,,, he sounds like a leech,

BreadnBuddha

What you do with your money is your choice, and same for him.

You ARE being unfair though.

Did he fuss about not going out, as though he expected you to magic the money from somewhere? No. He did not.

Did he ask you to pay for his weekend in London with pals? No. He did not.

Just because you can afford to pay more towards your shared cost of living and choose to do so doesn't mean you should expect something from him in turn and it certainly doesn't give you any right to prioritise his decision on how he spends his money.

If you want to be fair, match what he puts into your shared cost and put the rest into your own savings or whatever. That would be fair. What YOU do now isn't, and it doesn't sound like he's demanding it from you either.

Sligo1

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

What you do with your money is your choice, and same for him.

You ARE being unfair though.

Did he fuss about not going out, as though he expected you to magic the money from somewhere? No. He did not.

Did he ask you to pay for his weekend in London with pals? No. He did not.

Just because you can afford to pay more towards your shared cost of living and choose to do so doesn't mean you should expect something from him in turn and it certainly doesn't give you any right to prioritise his decision on how he spends his money.

If you want to be fair, match what he puts into your shared cost and put the rest into your own savings or whatever. That would be fair. What YOU do now isn't, and it doesn't sound like he's demanding it from you either.

He's a leech,,,,, that is all,,,,

CaraMay

Yeah op you shouldn't be paying for his presents etc but he is definitely a leech

Sligo1

Also to add,,, there's nothing wrong with one partner shouldering the majority of costs when you're in a secure relationship, however,,, the fact that your man seems to completely takes for granted all his partner does pay for and lets rip at her when she questions on an unplanned trip to London with his mates takes the biscuit, if he was anyway a decent person he's take his OP out for dinner when she had to cancel her plans as she was broke just to show her he appreciates all she does for THEM, he sounds like a very selfish person,

BreadnBuddha

Sligo1 wrote: »

He's a leech,,,,, that is all,,,,

You don't know that.

I pay more than my wife does to our financial costs but that's my choice. I earn more and choose to do it. I give up the right to criticise how she decides to spend her remaining disposable income by making that decision.

If I'm skint and we want to go out, she'll pay if she has it to spare. If she has other plans for it, including spending time with her own friends, no bother. It takes her longer to put a few quid aside and I say she deserves to spend it the way she wants.

If I expected her to dig into her 'kitty' just because I pay more of the rent/bills/groceries, that would be totally unfair.

BreadnBuddha

Sligo1 wrote: »

Also to add,,, there's nothing wrong with one partner shouldering the majority of costs when you're in a secure relationship, however,,, the fact that your man seems to completely takes for granted all his partner does pay for and lets rip at her when she questions on an unplanned trip to London with his mates takes the biscuit, if he was anyway a decent person he's take his OP out for dinner when she had to cancel her plans as she was broke just to show her he appreciates all she does for THEM, he sounds like a very selfish person,

He didn't 'let rip'. He said 'That's grand' according to the OP. The complete opposite of what you think he did.

Sligo1

Sorry OP, it was harsh, and we don't know your partner, he prob has loads of good qualities, but you are not being unfair and deserve to be treated nicely the way you treat him, maybe have a chat with him and explain that to him and how this specific incident has made you feel,

BreadnBuddha

AmIBeingUnfair wrote: »

So I have just had a huge row with my partner which culminated in him storming out and calling me a princess and insinuating I only want a millionaire who will shower me with presents!

In our relationship I earn more which means I pay for the vast majority of food, outings etc. I also pay for wedding presents and presents for his nieces and nephews. "We" are currently saving to upgrade our car which we have been planning for two years. He regularly talks about how excited he is and looking forward to it but has absolutely nothing to contribute to it do I will be shouldering the cost. I was somewhat ok with this. Fast forward to last night and we had talked about going out this weekend. Anyway reality hit and I realised I wouldn't be able to afford it. Fine. He said that was grand and nothing more was said until I heard him on the phone. He is going to London next weekend with his friends. Am I being totally unfair to think my boyfriend should have offered to take me out when he clearly had enough money but chose to spend it with his friends.

Read it again. He did nothing wrong.

CaraMay

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

You don't know that.

I pay more than my wife does to our financial costs but that's my choice. I earn more and choose to do it. I give up the right to criticise how she decides to spend her remaining disposable income by making that decision.

If I'm skint and we want to go out, she'll pay if she has it to spare. If she has other plans for it, including spending time with her own friends, no bother. It takes her longer to put a few quid aside and I say she deserves to spend it the way she wants.

If I expected her to dig into her 'kitty' just because I pay more of the rent/bills/groceries, that would be totally unfair.

But would you be happy if she insulted you and stormed out? My oh contributes most to our house at the mo but I would never spend money on a trip if he was stuck!! I also would never insult him like her op did. He knows he's wrong and is trying to deflect it back to her. He obviously sees her as a soft touch (sorry op) and thinks he can make her feel guilty.

Sligo1

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

He didn't 'let rip'. He said 'That's grand' according to the OP. The complete opposite of what you think he did.

He stormed out and called her a princess,,,, I think that's pretty disrespectful considering she pays for everything, there seems to be a massive sense of entitlement in a lot of people these days, sorry I just despise false senses of entitlement,

BreadnBuddha

CaraMay wrote: »

But would you be happy if she insulted you and stormed out? My oh contributes most to our house at the mo but I would never spend money on a trip if he was stuck!! I also would never insult him like her op did. He knows he's wrong and is trying to deflect it back to her. He obviously sees her as a soft touch (sorry op) and thinks he can make her feel guilty.

If it was money needed for a bill, groceries or that kind of thing, it would be taken care of.

If it was money to pay for night out, because of somebody feeling entitled to it, at the expense of a planned trip with friends? Sorry but it'd have to wait, and rightly so.

As for insulting her? There's two sides to every argument and I have no doubt the OP played her part in a war of words.

BreadnBuddha

Sligo1 wrote: »

He stormed out and called her a princess,,,, I think that's pretty disrespectful considering she pays for everything, there seems to be a massive sense of entitlement in a lot of people these days, sorry I just despise false senses of entitlement,

False sense of entitlement is right.

Sligo1

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

You don't know that.

I pay more than my wife does to our financial costs but that's my choice. I earn more and choose to do it. I give up the right to criticise how she decides to spend her remaining disposable income by making that decision.

If I'm skint and we want to go out, she'll pay if she has it to spare. If she has other plans for it, including spending time with her own friends, no bother. It takes her longer to put a few quid aside and I say she deserves to spend it the way she wants.

If I expected her to dig into her 'kitty' just because I pay more of the rent/bills/groceries, that would be totally unfair.

I used to be the main earner and paid for everything when my now husnand and I got together, that said,,, he would never go and book holidays away with his Mates when he knew I was stuck, he would treat me or give me a token of he ever had any spare cash, now the tables have turned and he earns more than twice what I earn, now he buys whatever he likes,,, but if ever he or we are running low on cash we sit down and sort it out and prioritise,,,,, we don't go booking holidays away with our friends leaving one of us out,,, it's called being a grown up,

LegacyUser

Op here,

Thanks for all the replies. Honestly, some have been difficult to read especially the ones criticising my partner. He is not a terrible person he is just absolutely **** with money.
I think we are both equally to blame, possibly even me more so. It's true I always reach for my wallet (not that he argues!) and always offer to pay for everything. I shower him in gifts and I know he does not ask for that.

BreadnBuddha

Sligo1 wrote: »

I used to be the main earner and paid for everything when my now husnand and I got together, that said,,, he would never go and book holidays away with his Mates when he knew I was stuck, he would treat me or give me a token of he ever had any spare cash, now the tables have turned and he earns more than twice what I earn, now he buys whatever he likes,,, but if ever he or we are running low on cash we sit down and sort it out and prioritise,,,,, we don't go booking holidays away with our friends leaving one of us out,,, it's called being a grown up,

I've had weekends in London for less than the price of dinner, a few drinks and a taxi in Dublin. It's not a fortnight in the Canaries and you're grasping at straws now.

Between thinking he was getting angry because she wouldn't pay for a night out and this new line, it's getting ridiculous.

The OP has her own point of view but she's wrong and you're wrong to be saying 'he's a leech' and trying to blow a simple thing out of all proportion.

The OP makes her own choices about what she pays into their living expenses. She said herself that he can't pay as much. None of that gives her the right to direct his spending and it's absolutely a false sense of entitlement she has if she believes he should magically turn up enough to pay for her to have a night out, ESPECIALLY when he has clearly already made commitments involving cost next weekend.

You're being very unreasonable if you can't see how wrong that is. Paying bills, by HER choice, doesn't give her the right to decide what HE does with HIS remaining money. Grown ups know this already.

vandriver

The angle I would explore is why your boyfriend didn't feel able to tell you about the trip.
Did he perhaps feel that if a trip was mentioned, it would get thrown back in his face?

Sligo1

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

I've had weekends in London for less than the price of dinner, a few drinks and a taxi in Dublin. It's not a fortnight in the Canaries and you're grasping at straws now.

Between thinking he was getting angry because she wouldn't pay for a night out and this new line, it's getting ridiculous.

Sorry what are you actually on about here?? I never said he was angry about her not paying for a night out?? I said he let rip at her when she confronted him regarding his holiday away.

And what straws am I actually grasping at here?

I think we are going to just have to agree to disagree as I think all the points you are trying to make need a lot of toilet paper to mop up.... Sorry precious... Just my opinion 😀

CaraMay

People are missing the points - it's not about one person earning more than the other, it's about not taking advantage of your partner. It's about recriprocating the favour when you gave money and she's stuck. It's about not abusing your partner when they question your spending after living on the gravy train

Sligo1

CaraMay wrote: »

People are missing the points - it's not about one person earning more than the other, it's about not taking advantage of your partner. It's about recriprocating the favour when you gave money and she's stuck. It's about not abusing your partner when they question your spending after living on the gravy train

Couldnt have (and didn't) put it better myself. This is exactly right.

BreadnBuddha

Sligo1 wrote: »

Sorry what are you actually on about here?? I never said he was angry about her not paying for a night out?? I said he let rip at her when she confronted him regarding his holiday away.

And what straws am I actually grasping at here?

I think we are going to just have to agree to disagree as I think all the points you are trying to make need a lot of toilet paper to mop up.... Sorry precious... Just my opinion 😀

Precious? I'm not going to get into a petty argument with you. You said it yourself, it is just your opinion, as is mine.

We can agree that you think he's a leech and I think he's not.

CaraMay

AmIBeingUnfair wrote: »

Op here,

Thanks for all the replies. Honestly, some have been difficult to read especially the ones criticising my partner. He is not a terrible person he is just absolutely **** with money.
I think we are both equally to blame, possibly even me more so. It's true I always reach for my wallet (not that he argues!) and always offer to pay for everything. I shower him in gifts and I know he does not ask for that.

He's good enough with money when it involves a trip away for himself! Did he tell you about the trip before booking it?

Op tbh your head are in the clouds. You are not to blame. We are all innocent until taken advantage of. He doesn't ask for the gifts? Who does? He's insinuating though that you would and that's all you want. Anyone see the hypocrisy?

He says that you are a princess who wants presents? He will take presents but doesn't want you to want them??? Seriously I give up.

jimgoose

Let him buy and run his own damn car, if he's able to swan around with his hipster mates in London. I never heard such a crock of sh1t.

Ursus Horribilis

AmIBeingUnfair wrote: »

Op here,

Thanks for all the replies. Honestly, some have been difficult to read especially the ones criticising my partner. He is not a terrible person he is just absolutely **** with money.
I think we are both equally to blame, possibly even me more so. It's true I always reach for my wallet (not that he argues!) and always offer to pay for everything. I shower him in gifts and I know he does not ask for that.

That being the case, the pair of you should sit down with a calculator, pen and paper and agree on a budget. It looks like the way the two of you deal with money is problematic.

CaraMay

Odus fell down wrote: »

That being the case, the pair of you should sit down with a calculator, pen and paper and agree on a budget. It looks like the way the two of you deal with money is problematic.

It doesn't fix the way he talks to her

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe it was said in the heat of the moment?

If not, then the OP should stop being so defensive about him and look at the situation with renewed eyes. She didn't like what she read here. Maybe there's more truth to it than she wants to admit.

Augme

AmIBeingUnfair wrote: »

Op here,

Thanks for all the replies. Honestly, some have been difficult to read especially the ones criticising my partner. He is not a terrible person he is just absolutely **** with money.
I think we are both equally to blame, possibly even me more so. It's true I always reach for my wallet (not that he argues!) and always offer to pay for everything. I shower him in gifts and I know he does not ask for that.

Does he shower you with gifts or do anything similar?

ElleEm

You need to look at your own spending here too. Sit down and tell him you can no longer afford to continue paying for the things you do alone. If you are to get a new car for both of you, tell him he will have to contribute too. Just stop putting 100% into presents, etc. Tell him you can afford to put in 1/2 or 2/3 or whatever to collectively do something. Stop carrying him.

sReq | uTeK

Ops message has been lost in translation.

In short, they're saving for a new car and she is putting the majority towards it as he can't, along with paying for a lot of other stuff as he couldn't afford it.....yet he's able to afford a trip to London with his mates...

For the people saying a trip to London is inexpensive, you're also missing the point. If he doesn't have money to contribute to household items and joint purchases he shouldn't spend the little he has on a piss up with the lads.

It's about priorities and his are clesrly somewhere else.

You'd have to wonder why he didn't tell you what he was planning.....oh wait, it's because deep down he knew the money could be put to better use

strandroad

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Ops message has been lost in translation.

In short, they're saving for a new car and she is putting the majority towards it as he can't, along with paying for a lot of other stuff as he couldn't afford it.....yet he's able to afford a trip to London with his mates...

I agree. OP should not have asked for a night out, but the crux of the problem is that she is funding him while he is funding his own fun.

PressRun

AmIBeingUnfair wrote: »

I think we are both equally to blame, possibly even me more so. It's true I always reach for my wallet (not that he argues!) and always offer to pay for everything. I shower him in gifts and I know he does not ask for that.

I don't know how you're to blame. Even if you do reach for your wallet every time, he's an adult who is capable of saying no to such offers and he should know by now that it's not on to expect someone else to pay for everything and be showered with gifts all the time, especially if there's little to no reciprocation. He should at least be able to have a grown up conversation with you about the financial situation and figure out some system that works for both of you.

A trip to London is not that cheap, it's an expensive town, and if he has money to go and have a lark there but doesn't want to pay for presents for his own nieces and nephews then he's absolutely taking the piss.

SarahMollie

OP, while I get that you don't want people attacking your boyfriend, but you also need to assert yourself a bit here.

Firstly, I think its totally normal for couples to contribute to joint expenses in proportion to how much they earn. What is not normal however, is for one to be left with no free cash, while the other swans off to London. I agree with Odus, that when the dust settles, you should sit down and work out a better system for finances that may indeed mean that your subsidizing him a little as you're the higher earner, but you're both contributing the same % amount, or close to it. Also, it should mean that where possible you both have a little free cash to spend as you each choose at the end of the day.

I think its possible that him lashing out at you is due to his insecurity at being a bit of a kept man? Maybe its not right for the internet to judge him too harshly on what was said in the heat of the moment, but how he deals with this going forward will be telling.

Its fine for him to go away with his friends in theory, but not if he can only afford it because you've paid for everything else for him to the point where you have no money. Maybe pull back on spending a bit, and allow him to live within his means.

Dixie Chick

Hi OP,

I believe that the princess comment was out of line, but said in the heat of the moment. The heat being him having to be answerable for his spending.

Anyway, to move on from this, you simply need to talk very straight about money. I hate talking about money and have avoided it in the past with my own partner and to be honest it was just me not being mature enough. I still find these things a struggle to talk about but its important to.

I think once he has calmed down he needs to apologise for that. As it was, it was a night out and if the roles were reversed you would have paid for him, then that really is your decision.

As for saving for London when you are going without to save for his car, thats BS and you need to make a firm decision to not contribute unless he is.

beks101

One thing. A trip to London is not cheap by any stretch of the imagination. Even with free accommodation, not that we even know he'll have that. Been to London lately? You're looking at a couple of hundred quid at the very least and that's without any major hijinks.

OP, if you don't confront this it's signalling to him that you can be walked all over and you won't as much as blink in defence. Tell him very clearly that he'll not be benefiting from any car upgrade unless he starts to budget and set aside money to contribute. You're doing your bit based on your budget, let him do his. This isn't demanding stuff here, this is called "being an adult".

Dixie Chick

Very true about London, its very expensive. Eating and drinking and any attraction is all at top price

SarahMollie

beks101 wrote: »

One thing. A trip to London is not cheap by any stretch of the imagination. Even with free accommodation, not that we even know he'll have that. Been to London lately? You're looking at a couple of hundred quid at the very least and that's without any major hijinks.

OP, if you don't confront this it's signalling to him that you can be walked all over and you won't as much as blink in defence. Tell him very clearly that he'll not be benefiting from any car upgrade unless he starts to budget and set aside money to contribute. You're doing your bit based on your budget, let him do his. This isn't demanding stuff here, this is called "being an adult".

Completely agree. I'm mostly only ever in London for work and am glad I can expense my costs when I get home. Its much more costly than Dublin. The earlier poster who said that it could be done on the cheap likely hasn't been there in quite some time.