want to get on with my life

justinmg1

Was thinking about writing this for a while. Would like some feedback. I recently separated legally from my wife of 4 years but have been together 15. Went through he'll last year in courts and now just want to move on, we have a young lad that I fought tooth and nail and paid a stupid amount of money in legal fees to see him every second day but will do it again and again. Court orders were made but my ex can't seem to let go and bury the past. I have no hatred or I'll feelings towards her but she just seems to pick arguments at hand over time. I should say she left me. What do you think?

Stheno

What do we think about what? Your question is not clear.

justinmg1

Why can't I just get on with my life? I suppose I'm reaching out to those who are in / went through a similar situation.

Colser

justinmg1 wrote: »

Why can't I just get on with my life? I suppose I'm reaching out to those who are in / went through a similar situation.

Get on with it in what way?

Youve been through a lot so you have to give yourself time to recover,court is very difficult and a break up is awful especially when you didnt instigate it. Why do you feel you should be furthur down the line than you are?

justinmg1

Cheers all for your feedback so far, been through the mill numerous times so kinda numb to it

Lavinia

Hi OP,
Just wondering, what do you mean by moving on.
Having a new relationship?
Or being happy with yourself again?
Or having some other plans with your life?
Do you know what would you like to happen in that next phase?

justinmg1

Hi lavinia, thanks for your post. I guess that I would hope that she can move on and allow me to move on without the constant bitterness, hate and just general still trying to get one up on me. At no point have I ever played the game of point scoring but she can't seem to not do that. I'm not looking to find new love, not trying to make a life that is not me, I just want to deal with the situation that I'm in, be happy in myself, enjoy the time with my son that I fought so bloody hard for yet it feels to me that she would rather see me in the gutter with no association with my son. I should note that he is only 19 months and this is an important time to build our bond.

Turtlelife

Im sorry to hear of your situation.....its kind of sounds like she is trying to use your son to get at you Have you ever been to mediation to discuss why she feels time with you isnt important?

I know your son is 19 months but to be honest it probably a good time for him for this to have happened.....what i mean is by the time you've managed to make some kind of co parenting relationship with you ex your son will be old enough for this split to be the norm for him.

I totally agree with joint custody of children Im also coming out of a 8 year relationship and would always want my daughter to keep the bond she has with her dad andwould never want to have to make him justify wanting to see her .

In situation like this it is the children who miss out sometimes our own feelings have to be set aside so they can have the best relationships with both parents.

daithi7

Hmmm,

Sounds to me like you're a bit lost tbh, and after the roller coaster you've been through, that's totally understandable. I think there are a few pointers in your post with how you might get on with your life though. Firstly, you're gonna have to distance yourself as much as possible, from your toxic ex wife, I think you said you're 'numb', but rather than expressing that kind of state, I'd prefer if you said something like you're above it all now, or something along those lines , if you know what I'm getting at.

I think you should seek counselling tbh, to be seeking just to be happy sounds fine in one way, but can be rather aimless in another. I don't think any of us are just ' happy ' per se, I know that I'm personally much more fulfilled when I'm striving actively to achieve my goals. So I'd say by definition, I'm never just ' happy ', I'm kinda always seeking to be happy, and that makes me ' happiest ' I guess, if you follow.

For you I'd much prefer to hear you say you've moved on, your ex or her antics no longer (overly) upset or bother you, and you're just looking forward to getting on with your life (which you did say in fairness) and to building on your relationship with your son which you fought so vehemently and well for.

Your ex will pick up on this mindset, & ensure to express it to her at any opportunity e.g. ' look I don't care I just want to get on with our lives now....', etc. Nothing worse for a bitter bully, to see their victim move on and to be unaffected by their antics anymore. It will force her to move on too, which would be good for all concerned tbh.

Unfortunately, family law is a quagmire. Everyone knows nearly everything should I ideally be done by meditation. However feelings get in the way, bitterness can take hold lawyers advise angry, vulnerable people about their rights, and charge to express same through normally fruitless, needless, mindless actions, that do no one any good except the solicitors bank accounts. Pity, everyone should be practically forced to mediate imho, but instead we have this stupid confrontational system that serves no-one well except the lawyers. Good luck to you.

P.s. Now try telling all that to the next politician that lands on your doorstep and ask them for constructive change.