Heartbroken and confused

LegacyUser

I was with my now ex for about a year and a half a bit of a distance though wed see each other for a few days each week.
In the entire time we were together I never met any of his family or children or friends. We went to one event together with his workmates where he ignored me and then got angry when I went to bed early. He wouldn't go out with me for a few drinks or do anything fun like day trips and he refused to allow any pics of us to be on social media. I told him I felt like he was ashamed of me but he carried on. He's not in another relationship I've been too his house and stayed over and so on it felt more like he just didn't want these things with me.
Anytime I'd ask why this was happening he would start shouting at me and then calm down and promise he was working on it but nothing changed. He said he loved me and wanted a future with me and he made huge efforts to spend time with me in one of our houses but nothing more.

So a couple of months ago I did something stupid and a week later he just dropped me. The first week after this event we were fine, he said it didn't matter and we got on really well. One night he phoned me and said he loved me and goodnight as normal and the next there was nothing. He stopped phoning or texting or spending time with me, if I asked to try to sort it out he'd scream at me about every mistake we'd ever had. Of course I shouted back and on more than one occasion I told him it was over.

The thing is I'm finding it really hard to accept, we still chat and get on and for some stupid reason every few days I ask him to try again. Every time he creates a row and screams at me about how he doesn't know if it'll work and questions me on what I would do differently but he refuses to actually make a decision or to acknowledge he did anything wrong. When I answer his questions he laughs and belittles me. He says things like "if I didn't care I wouldn't still talk to you" but surely if you care about someone you would tell them if you want to be together rather than leave them hanging? In the months since we split he hasn't once said weather he wants to work through it or not, he just gets angry if I ask and tells me to leave it.

So last night I got fed up of it and I said that if he was sure it was over could he tell me, I said I didn't mind if he needed time to think it through and was planning to work it out with me later but at this point I needed to know if we were done so we could be on the same page as friends. He flipped, started shouting at me about pushing him and how he shouldn't have to decide. He said "you just want me to make the final decision so you can tell everyone I dumped you" which seemed like a decision to me! But he said it wasn't!
So after the usual where he asks me questions about how I would act differently he made a comment along the lines of how it wasnt a great relationship anyway....and I think that might be how he actually thinks and why he acted how he did.
I've finally realised it's over and I'm devestated. It took me years to trust someone else after a bad relationship and he's completely destroyed my trust again.

Why would he put so much effort into spending time with me and phoning me and saying he loved me if he wasn't happy? Why did he stay with me so long? And am I right in thinking that was why he didn't treat me like a girlfriend? Why is he asking me how to fix it and then laughin st me and refusing to say if he wants to get back together. That's not normal is it? I'm so confused and heartbroken.

He was diagnosed with severe depression a few months ago which he blames on me too.

zoobizoo

Why were you with him?

Shouting and being screamed at is not normal.

Not doing anything fun is not normal

Telling someone every 'mistake' that was made is not normal

Why are you heartbroken? He sounds awful and you should be happy that it's over.

Find a nice guy. There are plenty out there.

Mr. Incognito

He was diagnosed with severe depression a few months ago which he blames on me too.

Wow.

This guy isn't all there.

Just cut him out of your life.

When someone is into you they will be into you. He's not.

daisybelle2008

Sadop wrote: »

I told him I felt like he was ashamed of me but he carried on.

It took me years to trust someone else after a bad relationship and he's completely destroyed my trust again.

Why did he stay with me so long? And am I right in thinking that was why he didn't treat me like a girlfriend?

OP why did YOU stay with him so long? That was an awful relationship. He didn't deserve your trust. If you weren't being treated like a girlfriend it was time to bail long ago. That should have been the standard you set. Your confidence and self-esteem seems very low and was to begin with that is why you tolerated such bad treatment. Don't try to be friends with him never mind get back with him, it is very bad for your mental health. Work on yourself and getting in a good place, learn to set higher standards for yourself. Cut all communication.

LegacyUser

I was with him because we were friends for a long time first and he is a great person when he makes an effort. He made me feel safe and happy most of the time but when he turned on me he was impossible to talk to and he somehow manages to genuinely convince himself and me that it's my fault and he convinced me too.
Like on 3 or 4 occasions when we had a row he screamed at me down the phone so loudly and agressively people in the same area commented (once his mum once a workmate other time friends) and he would say to me how I had embarrassed him and it's my fault for making him so angry. He said his mum is so disgusted at me for hearing him screaming at me and knowing I upset him so much that she wouldn't want to meet me. The annoying part is he was screaming at me at the top of his voice and I wasn't even speaking when she made this judgement. And even that row was because he promised to do something and let me down!
If we had a row on the phone he will scream and roar at me and if I try to speak he says I'm interrupting, then when he's finished he puts the phone down and won't let me speak so I have to text him to get my side across and he then says I'm abusing him and sending nasty texts! Yesterday he screamed at me to f off and put the phone down. I replied in a text that I'd had enough and he could f off himself which led to him being the victim because I sent him an abusive text but when I pointed out what he'd done he just said so??

Maybe I do have low self esteem, he defiantly knocked my confidence by not wanting to do anything nice with me and he can be mean and call me names saying it's a joke. I know on one side of me that I'm better off away from him but the other side just seems to want him back even though I know he'll do the same thing.

heretochat

This guy is a manipulator and an emotional abuser. I think you know that yourself but can't seem to break the chain of abuse.

You need to be strong and walk away from this as my fear is that his behaviour will escalate.

Look after yourself

LegacyUser

Jesus, OP! That sort of behaviour is absolutely off the wall. No-one should have to put up with that kind of abuse.

I think you shoudl have more respect for yourself than to be with someone who treats you like that.

Disgraceful behaviour. That man has problems that he needs to speak to a professional about before he is fit to be in any sort of relationship;

up for anything

Sadop wrote: »

I was with him because we were friends for a long time first and he is a great person when he makes an effort. He made me feel safe and happy most of the time but when he turned on me he was impossible to talk to and he somehow manages to genuinely convince himself and me that it's my fault and he convinced me too.
Like on 3 or 4 occasions when we had a row he screamed at me down the phone so loudly and agressively people in the same area commented (once his mum once a workmate other time friends) and he would say to me how I had embarrassed him and it's my fault for making him so angry. He said his mum is so disgusted at me for hearing him screaming at me and knowing I upset him so much that she wouldn't want to meet me. The annoying part is he was screaming at me at the top of his voice and I wasn't even speaking when she made this judgement. And even that row was because he promised to do something and let me down!
If we had a row on the phone he will scream and roar at me and if I try to speak he says I'm interrupting, then when he's finished he puts the phone down and won't let me speak so I have to text him to get my side across and he then says I'm abusing him and sending nasty texts! Yesterday he screamed at me to f off and put the phone down. I replied in a text that I'd had enough and he could f off himself which led to him being the victim because I sent him an abusive text but when I pointed out what he'd done he just said so??

Maybe I do have low self esteem, he defiantly knocked my confidence by not wanting to do anything nice with me and he can be mean and call me names saying it's a joke. I know on one side of me that I'm better off away from him but the other side just seems to want him back even though I know he'll do the same thing.

Typical controlling abuser who alternates making you feel safe and happy (by the way those feelings should come from within you and not from someone else) with making you feel awful and at fault.

You seem to take everything he says as 100% true. That lie he's told you about his mother being disgusted at you because you made him scream... really, do you think anyone sane would think that? He's lying, lying, lying to you about everything. He's on the verge of insane from what you're saying.

He's not 'a great person when he makes an effort'. He's a manipulating nasty piece of work.

He hasn't let you meet his family and friends in the year and half you were an item and the one work event you went to he ignored you. Lots of red flags and alarm bells there. My betting is that he's married. Are you sure it's even his house that you stayed over at? I'd be looking to see the deeds because it's crystal clear that he's hiding something.

Seriously, you know it yourself. He's just really good at turning it back on you.

I don't see that you can be more unhappy without him then you are with him.

Let him go and find someone who will truly care about you and will be happy to let you into his life.

kylith

Just thank your lucky stars that you're away from him before he found a way to tie you to him forever.

You were in an abusive relationship. He is not a good person or a nice person, and nothing about it was your fault. You are never to blame for someone else's behaviour. And if his mother _did_ say that then that's where he learned that behaviour from.

Please take care of yourself. Confide in a friend or family member, and please consider counselling.

And please, PLEASE delete his number and stay as far away from him as you can. IMO if you did get back together he would know that you'll take his abuse and it would only be a short time until he got physically abusive too.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, did you ever go for counselling after that first abusive relationship you were in? There seems to be a bit of a pattern emerging here I'm afraid. You swapped one abuser for another - you just can't see that yet. Would you consider giving Women's Aid a call? 1800 341 900. They're trained to help women who've been in abusive relationships and I'm told that they're really great. This might be worth a read too: https://www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone who has already posted here. He is a nasty, manipulative, abusive person who has done you an awful lot of psychological damage. In your first post you asked why would he have put so much effort into spending time with you, saying he loved you etc. if he didn't mean it? What you've got to understand here is that this guy got his kicks from using you as his emotional punchbag. My guess is that when you met, he sensed that you were a vulnerable person and he took advantage of that. He knew that he could scream at you, treat you like dirt, say hurtful things and manipulate you because he'd get away with it. He's one of life's bullies and he chose you because you weren't going to tell him to sling his hook.

I bristled when I read that comment about the severe depression. I've seen the depression excuse coming up time and time again in this forum - I often wonder do some people use depression as an excuse for behaving like a lout?

It has been mentioned on this thread but I'm going to reiterate it here. For your own sanity, you really need to cut contact with him immediately. If you've got a smartphone you can block his number. Staying in touch with him is doing you absolutely no good whatsoever - it's prolonging the damage he's doing to you. You also don't need to have him getting back in contact when he fancies kicking you around again. He may not have laid a finger on you but words can wound even more than bruises.

DukeOfTheSharp

Emotionally abusive relationships are one of the most harmful you can be in OP, and you've been unfortunate enough to get blindsided twice. It happens to the best of us, even when we think we know what we want to avoid, the want everyone has to be loved can really be detrimental. The best thing you can do right now is take some time and see a counsellor, I found that helped me a lot, showed me that my perspective and feelings were important and that the person who was actively going about hurting me like they did, did so because of their faults. You're going to be really hard on yourself OP, but understand that this kind of relationship is horrific when it comes to getting under your skin and making you co-dependent. Take care of yourself, learn to identify these kinds of people and trust your instincts. If they tell you to run, run.