Are you torn?

Frank Bullitt

Hi all,

This has been brewing with me since Christmas or so, so bear with me.

Broke up with my Canadian GF last October or so, and I decided to then head back to Ireland for the month of December to be with family and friends etc. I recently saw that the ex has moved on with a new flame, and I think that has set off a few things for me now, and I am questioning the future for me here in Vancouver.

Seeing that has triggered a few things for me now, and I think it was a case of suppressing a few things. My fantastic Grandmother passed away last year, and I was not there for that. I constantly see my friends doing well for themselves back home, buying houses and so forth, a few are engaged now and things seem to be going really well for everyone there. I often see them with my family as well in the local, and I just get this awful wish of wanting to be there.

Things are good here in Vancouver for me, I have a good job, I have a good circle of friends. I have a very fancy Ducati that I ride around in the summer, and I box in a pretty cool club in Chinatown.

This week has been a fairly miserable week for me, probably one of the heavier ones that I have had since getting here. A few things have caused this, seeing my ex have new companionship was a killer, I don't miss her and the break up was right, but its not easy seeing that. I feel left behind in a few areas now as well, not just with the relationship but also with some aspects of life. My friends have houses now, careers etc. Vancouver never has felt like home or welcoming, its chronically expensive here, and the social aspect of it here is really cold. Groups are very clicky, and its hard to meet new people outside of using things like Tinder etc.

I suppose what I am asking is, is this a normal feeling, or a sign that perhaps my time here is nearing its end. While I do love being here most of the time, I find more and more that I don't really feel like I fit, and some friends have also voiced their concern about this as well from their side. I don't want to make a rash decision on the back of residual feelings for someone popping up again, but I am now 30, and seeing that she has moved on has triggered anxiety that I will never find someone, or have any companionship ever again.

I don't know if I am asking for advice or what, but I need to get this off my chest. I have spoken to a good few friends about this, they all agree that its normal to feel a certain way after seeing an ex move on, but what its unearthed is way more than that. Some have suggested talking to a counsellor about it, and I am considering that.

Being abroad and feeling like this is really not great, I am in a big city with great friends, and I feel totally out in the cold with this.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any advice or words.

Fr Tod Umptious

Hi OP,
Can't speak about Vancouver or Canada or even this decade but I had a very similar experience to your own.

Living on the US for 5+ years, 30 years old, broke up with American GF, spent some time at home, friends in the US moving on etc.

Over the space of a year or so things at home started to look so much more attractive.
I found a common topic of conversation with Irish friends in the US was home and going home.

I was lucky enough to meet my future wife who was heading home in 6 months and I decided that I may as well try too.

And it worked out great, I found it hard to get work at home at first but over time we settled down and are very happy now.

I miss things about the US and have great memories but am very happy here.

The way I would put it about making the decision to come home is "you know when you know".

Best of luck with it.

taco.cat

My husband and I were torn for a long time. The first 12 months or so here, I wanted to stay in Vancouver forever. Then it became more complicated for my career: If I stayed in Vancouver past the 2 year mark, I would permanently shut the door to a certain part of my career. I would have to take a much longer, much more expensive road to where I need to go. On the other hand, my husband's career would fly in leaps and bounds here if we stayed. What it came down to, for us, was wanting to be near our friends and family. A 10 hour flight is just too much. We just got married last year, and we were pretty much the first of our friends to do it. Our friends have a lot of significant birthdays coming up, and they're starting to get engaged too. So we made the [hard] decision to move to the UK when our visa expire. We hate that we'll have to start again, I'll almost certainly take a big pay cut, he'll have to re-establish himself all over again, but it's worth it to be closer to home. We also want to think about buying a home in the next coupe of years, and that's sure as sh*t not going to happen in Vancouver!!

Now, to be frank, I NEVER want to move back to Ireland, not while it's the shambles that it is now. The UK is a good compromise for us. I know I'll dearly miss things about Vancouver, but there's also things that annoy the snot out of me here. When we looked at the question as "Do we want to spend the rest of our lives in Canada?", the answer was no.

throwawaygirl

Yes, Ive been torn on this for a long time now. Been in Vancouver for a few years and recently had a baby here. It's been extremely difficult to be so far from family and friends. Literally, about 3 of our friends (should really call them acquaintances I guess) here have come by to visit the baby - whereas the amount of cards/well wishes we got from people back home is insane, all of whom are dying to meet her.

I keep thinking how nice it would be to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc around at this time. And we'd probably be able to afford a house back home too. We are living in a one bedroom apt right now.

On the other hand, I'm not sure if I'd get as good a job here as I would back home. I have full health coverage and pays not bad. It's also a secure job. My husband is Canadian - happy to move if I want to, but theres the whole getting him a visa/work permit complication.

There's more opportunities here for the baby when she is older. There is a lot more to do here than my hometown - I love the outdoorsy lifestyle over here and all the different restaurants and just life about the place. My hometowns a bit dead to be honest - there's a reason I left it in the first place

I think if Vancouver wasn't so far away from Ireland, I could stay here for the rest of my life. But for me, its about 24hrs door to door to get back home. Not to mention the cost. I want my child to know her family. Ughhhh i dont know, im starting to ramble...Ive been back and forth on all these issues for so long now but I'm no nearer a decision. It's driving me crazy.
Post back if you ever make your mind up, i'd be interested to hear

Frank Bullitt

Its good to get this stuff out in the open. Ultimately its your decision that matters, and separating emotion from logic as well.

I was in a rut last week with some past relationship stuff, seeing an ex move on etc was never going to be easy. But I see it now as a positive for me as i am not taking steps to better myself and my life.

Vancouver, in itself, is a truly bizarre place to me now. Its been 3 years since I moved here, and I still don't get it.

I do love aspects of it a lot, its clean, easy to get around, general stuff like that. Like some others, I have a really great job here that have helped me a lot with some immigration stuff and its furthering my skill set so much. But again, its the battle between logic and emotion.

For me to go back to Dublin, it would mean sacrificing lots of what I currently do here in some ways. But you really can't have it both. My plan when I came here was simple:
1. Further my career
2. Do it with a good job and don't end up working in a coffee shop to just stay here for the sake of it.
3. Have fun and try new things.

Its easily been the best thing I have ever done for my life. I am a different person now, and I still feel like I am changing. There are some personal issues that I am now addressing fully for the first time, and I can't tell you how refreshing it feels to be doing that. But, and its a big BUT, Vancouver doesn't feel like home, it never felt like that, and never will. Its a classic case of a city that needs no one, but everyone needs it.

I was given the heads up about the "west coast mentality" before I got here, and its been a huge culture shock for me now. For way too long I wanted to "fit in" here, and I had a great sense of that with my ex. I now realize that being you is more important, you have to be authentic to yourself for you to get to that place in your life of happiness, of feeling like its right to be doing what you do, and what makes you happy. Vancouver somehow encourages you to drop that and surrender your critical faculties to just fit in, and feel normal.

I can deal with so much before I have to say "enough is enough". People who love Van seem to think its the centre of the universe because there are snow capped mountains and lovely rivers, yet they overlook day to day things like cost. If it hasn't already been stressed yet, Vancouver is expensive. No, wait, thats wrong, sickeningly expensive. Average house prices are bonkers, and people live in debt to just live day to day, because they are mollycoddled to feel like its the place to be.

The past few days have been interesting to me, and I would compare them to the time I decided that I had to leave Ireland. Something needs to change up, weather that means another move? Or just focusing more on what makes me happy and pursuing stuff to do that. I have been thinking of maybe giving Toronto a go as well.

I also literally just got my residency, so thats not bad really. And honestly, seeing people be happy for me for that alone, makes me realize there is something off and I need to fix that up.

astonaidan

Gintonious wrote: »

Hi all,

This has been brewing with me since Christmas or so, so bear with me.

Broke up with my Canadian GF last October or so, and I decided to then head back to Ireland for the month of December to be with family and friends etc. I recently saw that the ex has moved on with a new flame, and I think that has set off a few things for me now, and I am questioning the future for me here in Vancouver.

Seeing that has triggered a few things for me now, and I think it was a case of suppressing a few things. My fantastic Grandmother passed away last year, and I was not there for that. I constantly see my friends doing well for themselves back home, buying houses and so forth, a few are engaged now and things seem to be going really well for everyone there. I often see them with my family as well in the local, and I just get this awful wish of wanting to be there.

Things are good here in Vancouver for me, I have a good job, I have a good circle of friends. I have a very fancy Ducati that I ride around in the summer, and I box in a pretty cool club in Chinatown.

This week has been a fairly miserable week for me, probably one of the heavier ones that I have had since getting here. A few things have caused this, seeing my ex have new companionship was a killer, I don't miss her and the break up was right, but its not easy seeing that. I feel left behind in a few areas now as well, not just with the relationship but also with some aspects of life. My friends have houses now, careers etc. Vancouver never has felt like home or welcoming, its chronically expensive here, and the social aspect of it here is really cold. Groups are very clicky, and its hard to meet new people outside of using things like Tinder etc.

I suppose what I am asking is, is this a normal feeling, or a sign that perhaps my time here is nearing its end. While I do love being here most of the time, I find more and more that I don't really feel like I fit, and some friends have also voiced their concern about this as well from their side. I don't want to make a rash decision on the back of residual feelings for someone popping up again, but I am now 30, and seeing that she has moved on has triggered anxiety that I will never find someone, or have any companionship ever again.

I don't know if I am asking for advice or what, but I need to get this off my chest. I have spoken to a good few friends about this, they all agree that its normal to feel a certain way after seeing an ex move on, but what its unearthed is way more than that. Some have suggested talking to a counsellor about it, and I am considering that.

Being abroad and feeling like this is really not great, I am in a big city with great friends, and I feel totally out in the cold with this.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any advice or words.

Well like others said, I can only speak of my experience, regarding meeting a girl, Id be 100% certain you will find another girl, everything you said about yourself pretty much shows this wont be a problem.
Regarding missing home, I was offered a job in Toronto for a lot more money than Ive ever earned but made the decision to come home due to wife getting pregnant.
What your saying about friends is different to reality though, Ive found since I came home my relationship with friends is different, they have lived the same life since they were 18 all about drinking and trying to be cool. Its just not a life I ever enjoyed, at 30 I dont intend to do it anymore.
My friends in Toronto were similar to me, ambitious sort of people.
I see myself back their in 5 years, and besides my family and one or two friends, I see Toronto as a better place to live

Kev_2012

I've moved home twice (neither through wanting to). I have gotten well paid jobs back home, but I quite simply miss a lot of stuff from Vancouver.

I'm kinda torn myself to be honest, but the weather in Ireland is depressing and I really miss the food in Vancouver! I'd like to eventually get citizenship so I could come and go as needs be but I don't know if that will happen.

The outdoor lifestyle is great over there and I love the weather in Van. Having seasons is fantastic, the weather in Ireland has been really irritating me since I returned.

While there have been some great things happening in Ireland too such as getting to see friends/family a lot, trying to get people to do something other than go to the pub at the weekend has proven a bit difficult.

Also, Dublin is more expensive than Vancouver. The cost of rent here is ridiculous and the public transit system is awful. It's so easy to burn through cash here and I find that the area of work I would be happiest in is in North America.

I am going to stay here for at least another year but I feel that I may leave again.

Make sure you at least have PR to go back if you change your mind!!

Frank Bullitt

I got PR last Friday oddly enough, so at least that monkey is off my back so to speak.

Toronto has been on my mind for a while now, and the more I think about it, the more interesting it gets really. It would be a totally new start, but my job has an office over there so at least that part would be somewhat sorted for me. Meeting new friends as well over in Toronto is another concern, but it surely can't be as bad as it is here in Vancouver. Its a very click town, with everyone in their groups, and socially it comes across as being incredibly cold.

Plenty of food for thought right now for me. I really feel like I am just at the tip of the iceberg.

westernlass

I'm moving in a month and this thread has been interesting for me. I currently can't wait to get out of Ireland as it's crazy expensive and they keep on adding on the costs. I know what you mean about family but I'm hoping once we settle we can get home a couple of times a year if we are both working.

We are going for Toronto so its interesting to read the different experiences East /West side

throwawaygirl

Kev_2012 wrote: »

While there have been some great things happening in Ireland too such as getting to see friends/family a lot, trying to get people to do something other than go to the pub at the weekend has proven a bit difficult.

This is one reason I left home in the first place...thats all everyone wanted to do and I was going off my head. Its fine now and then, but not really my scene.

astonaidan

Gintonious wrote: »

I got PR last Friday oddly enough, so at least that monkey is off my back so to speak.

Toronto has been on my mind for a while now, and the more I think about it, the more interesting it gets really. It would be a totally new start, but my job has an office over there so at least that part would be somewhat sorted for me. Meeting new friends as well over in Toronto is another concern, but it surely can't be as bad as it is here in Vancouver. Its a very click town, with everyone in their groups, and socially it comes across as being incredibly cold.

Plenty of food for thought right now for me. I really feel like I am just at the tip of the iceberg.

I found Toronto very easy to make friends Irish and Canadians, its a amazing city, obviously I havent been to Vancouver so cant compare, but Id 100% recommend Toronto

astonaidan

throwawaygirl wrote: »

This is one reason I left home in the first place...thats all everyone wanted to do and I was going off my head. Its fine now and then, but not really my scene.

Thats what Ive found since coming home, I used to go to a local in Toronto on a friday and have a couple and go home, here people want me to go proper drinking which Ive no interest in, I find myself doing very little since I dont drink where in Toronto always had a different activity planned for the weekend

Frank Bullitt

In relation to the comments about just going to the pub etc when/if you go home.

Your experience abroad should give you the tools to remedy this. I discussed this with a friend last night. Living in Canada makes me realize just how close lots of interesting places are in Europe to get to, a cheap Ryanair flight and you are in Berlin, or Paris or wherever.

Use your time abroad to change what you do in Ireland. It can be very easy to get back into old habits in Ireland, but its fully possible for you to take your new lease of life and change that.

After all, nothing changes unless we change. Everything changes when we change.

Fr Tod Umptious

On the going to the pub thing I found that when I came home in my early 30s I rarely went to the pub anymore.

Even when in the US the final few years saw a lot less going out that the first few years, that's cos me and my group of friends were maturing, getting slosched all weekend was not what it used to be.

I think people are too quick to knock Ireland.
I knocked it in my first few years in the US, but then as I said it became more attractive.
I have a family now, there is no way I can imagine bringing up my kids in the US.

Kev_2012

Gintonious wrote: »

I got PR last Friday oddly enough, so at least that monkey is off my back so to speak.

Toronto has been on my mind for a while now, and the more I think about it, the more interesting it gets really. It would be a totally new start, but my job has an office over there so at least that part would be somewhat sorted for me. Meeting new friends as well over in Toronto is another concern, but it surely can't be as bad as it is here in Vancouver. Its a very click town, with everyone in their groups, and socially it comes across as being incredibly cold.

Plenty of food for thought right now for me. I really feel like I am just at the tip of the iceberg.

I've been on holidays in Toronto and loved it. The people are probably a little closer to ours in terms of humour. However the weather would drive me crazy and Vancouver is a unbelievable city in terms of natural beauty and activities such as snowboarding or hiking or whatever.

throwawaygirl wrote: »

This is one reason I left home in the first place...thats all everyone wanted to do and I was going off my head. Its fine now and then, but not really my scene.

Yeah I see what you mean. I do love going to the pub and having a good session but I'm sick of doing it every weekend and feeling like crap half the time.

astonaidan wrote: »

Thats what Ive found since coming home, I used to go to a local in Toronto on a friday and have a couple and go home, here people want me to go proper drinking which Ive no interest in, I find myself doing very little since I dont drink where in Toronto always had a different activity planned for the weekend

Yeah I liked the way at least in Vancouver we would plan an activity for the day and then go get a decent meal and then have a few pints. I much prefer that. Same with simply going to the beach or just a park and chilling out. Irish people don't do that here and I wish they did.

Gintonious wrote: »

In relation to the comments about just going to the pub etc when/if you go home.

Your experience abroad should give you the tools to remedy this. I discussed this with a friend last night. Living in Canada makes me realize just how close lots of interesting places are in Europe to get to, a cheap Ryanair flight and you are in Berlin, or Paris or wherever.

Use your time abroad to change what you do in Ireland. It can be very easy to get back into old habits in Ireland, but its fully possible for you to take your new lease of life and change that.

After all, nothing changes unless we change. Everything changes when we change.

Yes and I would tend to agree, however I have found that the people that want to do that kinda stuff here generally don't end up being people that I have common interests with (other than that!). I'd find it much more enjoyable if friends that I have other interests in common with or a similar sense of humour would have an interest in these activities.

I found that many of the Irish I met abroad were in the same boat as me and many of the Irish here don't want to do anything except have a laugh in the pub, eat sh!itty food and no do anything that requires exercise. I hate to say it but it's proving itself to be a fact.

Frank Bullitt

Some good points in here so far. And I will say that it is so nice to see that I am not alone in this.

Personally this is a very reflective time for me, the last few months have. I am dealing with some things that then create the urge to address other aspects of my life, now and thus far.

As for going home, it now feels to me like I don't necessarily want to go home, but to leave Vancouver. This is why Toronto is now appealing to me more and more as a realistic option.

But no rash decisions, I am going to think about this logically, and try not to get too overwhelmed about it all.

Frank Bullitt

So Toronto is now on my radar, very high on it as well.

Just chatted with work about it and they seem interested in it, will know more next week.