Looking for some Security

LegacyUser

I'm nearly 40, seperated with no kids, renting a box room in a house and working full-time. I've been seeing an older man for the past 8 months he is more like a friend with benefits , he has asked me to move in with him as his partner. i keep saying no because i dont want a relationship with him, i get on so well with him hes more like a best friend and i can tell him anything. i know he isnt in love with me either. I think hes looking for a replacement wife. We do spend alot of time together, but there is no 'in love' feeling there.

He asked me again to move in and kept saying he doesnt know why i bother if i wont commit, he told me to get my stuff and leave his house and not contact him again. there was no contact between us for 2 days and i really missed him (the company), i felt so alone and lonely and bored. I'm back seeing him again the way we were.

I'm considering moving in with him and trying to make a go of it as a couple , i know it's very selfish of me. He has his own house and it would be security for me cos at the moment i've nothing and i feel i'm not getting any younger and at this stage of my life will not get a mortgage and too old to start a family. i dont want to be moving from rented accomadation box room to box room for the rest of my life wondering where i will be living this time next year.

He knows i'm not in love with him and knows exactly how I feel but he doesnt care , he's at me all the time to just move in, he said he will contuine paying his mortgage as normal and i can just pay the bills. It's so tempting but I feel selfish.

But then i could be wasting my time on someone I've no feelings for when mister right could be out there somewhere...if there is such a man

LegacyUser

Is there anything you're attracted to about this man? You seem to get on very well and have been having sex so what is missing from the arrangement? I'm not doubting what you say I'm just wondering why it is that you are so sure you don't see any potential for relationship there. Why are you having sex if you're not attracted to him? Is he not affectionate? If he was and showed he cared about you more than just a sex buddy would you see potential? Why does he want to commit if he doesn't love you? Have you considered an open relationship?

A lot of questions there, just trying to get a better picture and understanding of the situation as your OP is confusing.

Believe it or not an 'in love' feeling can be created between a couple if you truly communicate your emotional needs within a relationship. It sounds contrived but has been proven to work, in relationships where the love has fizzled out. Both of you have baggage and are looking for company and security. But with a bit of work a bond can come with that if you are truly vulnerable and ask for what you need. But if you are really sure you don't see him in that way, then I'd say stay single and don't move in.

Dughorm

If he has already "told me to get my stuff and leave his house and not contact him again" because he didn't agree with your decision, fast forward a few months and imagine having the same conversation over some other issue - where is the security there?

Go with your gut here - don't do it.

racso1975

First off you do have feelings for him!!!! if you didn't you wouldn't be on here asking about what you should do and saying you miss him so much!!!!

I think maybe you have a preconceived idea as what being in love is all about!! Are you looking for that feeling of week knees and butterflies every time you think of him? Cause that is not love. Love, for me, is spending time together, being able to communicate like you said and viewing the person as your best friend. The other stuff is just desire and that has the penitential to disappear quicker then what I described as love.

I truly get the security thing. I'm 40 separated with kids and just lost my job last week. I cant see the forest cause of the trees at the moment.

If it was me in your situation I'd do it!!! Its not being selfish by the way.

The only thing I would advise you to do is make sure he has the same desire as you about a family cause that can be a real deal breaker

Can I ask how much older is he?

tara73

I'm not sure if I'm getting everything the right way, but from your opening post I think it is a very, very bad idea to move in with him. You describe it as a friends with benefit situation, so how should it work if you live together but your feelings for one another are not clear? It will only get really really messy.

You already had a row were he asked you to leave and not contacting him again. and you contacted him again.

see, in a nutshell I think you are in a bit of a bad place at a moment, literally spoken with your living situation but I think also mentally. Moving in with this man will only make things worse. The best thing you can do is work on yourself, get a decent living place, maybe even sharing with a nice person. If you don't like sharing look for a nice little apartment, I know it's difficult in Dublin to find but if you really try there will be something. You say you work full-time so there should be some money around.

And I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to get some counselling. your self esteem seems a bit low at the moment, so I would recommend give it a try.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You sound like you're trying to talk yourself into thinking this is a good idea because of your circumstances. If you had your own place and were 10 years younger, would you even be entertaining these thoughts?

LegacyUser

Well are ye on the same page in what ye want in life?

Do ye both want to have a family?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies, I am attracted to him in the bedroom department, he is a very loving and affectionate person, I just dont feel he 'is the one' to settle down with long term. I've thought about it this way...If I met a guy tomorrow and we clicked and there was a spark there, he would be forgotten about. Selfish I know. I just dont feel a spark between us. I dont even kiss him passionately, which is something i always did in relationships.

Tara73.....he's 48... 9 years older than me.

I think i am trying to talk myself into thinking this is a good idea cos of my circumstances. I have tried breaking away....like last week when he told me to get my stuff and leave, i did for two days but thats what happens, i feel lost, alone and lonely and go running back to him. Sit in my poky box room listening to music or reading and feeling alone, wondering what my future holds, feeling fed up

I did come out of a really abusive relationship last year with someone i truly loved, i went counselling after that, my head was all over the place....6 months later I met this older guy, so i think i'm just looking for 'someone' to fill the empty place in my life.

LegacyUser

When you said older man I presumed about 60 as you're 40, but if I was 40 I wouldn't really refer to a 48 year old as an older man tbh! Maybe if I was in my 20s! I think as another poster says you must have preconceived notions of what you want in a relationship and will not bend on that. He is loving and affectionate. You don't have feelings for him, but 'truly loved' someone who really abused you. What does that say about how your mind is. I would say not very healthy, and I would advise more or better counselling.
I think you are searching for all the answers to your life's problems in a man. You need to stop that, because you will always be disappointed. I'm only 34 and I don't even believe in this magic spark happening and everything suddenly working out and you're happily ever after. I just want someone who is nice and kind, and commits 100%. Because within that, love grows. But you seem adamant you don't want any future with him, so don't move in with him, maybe if you want take things slowly with him but I suggest go back to counselling.

Ursus Horribilis

Moving in with this guy would simply mean you're putting off dealing with the other problems in your life. You sound lonely and don't have anyone or anything to fill your spare time with. You've also written off the rest of your life. That being 40 means your future is going to involve box rooms and loneliness and boredom. My feeling is that even if you move in with this guy, your dissatisfaction with life isn't going to go away. I think it's just going to start eating away at you in different ways but it's going to be harder to break up and leave. Only this time you'll be back to square one, older and with the same problems you had all along. It looks like you're using this guy to rescue you from the life you've got now. He sounds likes Mr. He'll Do rather than Mr. Right.

It's sad that you've written off the rest of your life just because you're 40. Are there any changes you could make to your life that would change the direction it's going in? I've a couple of friends who took out their first mortgages when they were in or around 40. It's probably not doable in Dublin but maybe you could look at moving elsewhere? You could work at trying to get out there and meet more people. Are there any hobbies you'd like to take up? If money's an issue, would you consider a part-time job in the evenings? All of these are proactive things that could change the path you're going down.

Daisy78

Leaving aside the relationship thing I'm puzzled as to why you think you won't get a mortgage at 40?! As far as I know there is no cut off limit as regards age, I'm not much younger than you and I fully intend applying for one in the next year or so. I presume you have some savings that you could put towards a deposit? Or at least enough to allow you to rent your own place? Relying on a man to provide you with security is a very old fashioned notion, and not a healthy place from which to start a relationship as it becomes more about dependency than love. I think you need to look at sorting out your own place for now. I know its can be expensive but flat sharing in a box room or moving in with a man you feel luke warm about isn't the answer either.

Ursus Horribilis

I mostly agree with this but I can think of reasons why she might have trouble with the mortgage issue. She didn't say what her job is or where she lives. If she's in Dublin, trying to get a 20% deposit saved is a big ask. We also can't assume that she has any savings. My guess is that if she's renting box rooms and speaks of renting them into the future, money's tight.

fits

annemariehycroft wrote: »

I did come out of a really abusive relationship last year with someone i truly loved,.

hmm. Do you think the heightened emotions of an abusive relationship are confusing you about what love is?

If you enjoy this new mans company, and have a physical relationship, what do you think is missing? Do you have similar goals?

Ursus Horribilis

fits wrote: »

hmm. Do you think the heightened emotions of an abusive relationship are confusing you about what love is?

If you enjoy this new man's company, and have a physical relationship, what do you think is missing? Do you have similar goals?

This is a good point but I don't think it would be wise of the OP to move in at this time. It'd be for all the wrong reasons and I think it'd end badly.

I'm also curious about what's going on in the man's mindset. They're only an item for 8 months and he's pressuring her to move in. Why? What's the rush? He also knows that she's somewhat reluctant yet he's still pushing her. "He asked me again to move in and kept saying he doesn't know why I bother if I won't commit". I wonder are the two of them using each other for different reasons?

I think the OP should hold off on moving in with this man for now and work on other issues first. Have more counselling. Build up a bit of a social life for herself, develop a hobby, that sort of thing. Then revisit the question of moving or not moving.

CaraMay

The max mortgage will probably bf over 20 years - upper age limit of 60

Ursus Horribilis

That's not true. My sister got a mortgage at age 41 - it's a 24 year one that runs until she's 65.

CaraMay

Odus fell down wrote: »

That's not true. My sister got a mortgage at age 41 - it's a 24 year one that runs until she's 65.

It's probably the exception now. Anyway you digress.

Ursus Horribilis

Well, seeing as she took out the mortgage last summer - since the new central bank rules came in - I don't think it's fair to be misinforming the OP.

Daisy78

Odus fell down wrote: »

Well, seeing as she took out the mortgage last summer - since the new central bank rules came in - I don't think it's fair to be misinforming the OP.

I got a similar offer late last year, at least it is possible even if it means higher payments. Anyway my point was that she shouldn't rule it out completely without looking into it.

Emme

Ask yourself the question "If I were 10 years younger and had my own apartment would I still want to date this man?" If the answer is "yes" then go for it and move in with him. If the answer is "no" then it would not be a good idea to move in with him. The worst thing you can do is move in with a man you feel "meh" about for security and to avoid taking responsibility for your own life. It will backfire and badly.

annemariehycroft wrote: »

I did come out of a really abusive relationship last year with someone i truly loved, i went counselling after that, my head was all over the place....6 months later I met this older guy, so i think i'm just looking for 'someone' to fill the empty place in my life.

I think you need more than 6 months to heal from an abusive relationship. How long were you with the new man before he asked you to move in with him? Controlling men often ask partners to move in with him early on in a relationship. People who have been in abusive relationships often find subsequent abusive partners especially if they don't spend much time single after previous abusive relationships.

Considering the fact that he has already told you to "get your things and leave and don't come back" because you wouldn't move in with him I think it would be madness to move in with him for security alone. By the sounds of things you could end up on the street with nowhere to go if you moved in with him and didn't play game ball according to his rules.

You are not technically too old to have a child at 40 if you haven't gone through menopause. Would you be happy to raise a child with him if your contraception failed (it happens)? If he is 48 he is not "older" than you per se. In fact many guys in their 40s won't date anyone older than 35.

It is better to be single at 50 and live in a box room and be independent than to live in a mansion with a man you don't care about and walk on eggshells the whole time. If you are not passionate about this man you might benefit from some more counselling to help you get your head together so you can decide what you really want from life and take responsibility for it yourself.