Feeling very stuck and lonely

LegacyUser

Where do I begin. I’m feeling very lonely. I’m 34, living in a city in Ireland which is a few hours from my home town. I have lived in a few different places over the years, but moved here 2.5 years ago. I initially worked in a male dominated company so it wasn’t so easy to make new friends. And also, most people are attached/settled. In the couple of years I have made a couple of good female friends, but another two have since left here.
To be honest the loneliness is starting to get to me… I suffered with depression a few years ago, and I think it started when I got very lonely (was living abroad at the time…). I also descended into a depression because I had some long standing issues, issues I suppose I didn’t know I had. I have come from a very emotionally closed dysfunctional family, I was bullied at secondary school (social exclusion). I look back on my teenage years and early /mid 20s as being the ‘lost’ years of my life. I was very insecure and lacked confidence in myself, probably had a low self esteem also. With all that going on, I have never been good around men. I think a large part of this, is due to coming from an emotionally closed family, and my Dad is very very distant. I sometimes think that because of my Dad, I just don’t know how to be around men, and certainly don’t know how to get close to one…. I’m 34 now and have never had sex or never been in a relationship, and I feel like a freak sometimes. I could just cry.
Anyhow, after moving back from abroad, I went to therapist for a year. I got to the bottom of why I was the way I was, and understood my insecurities etc…. I definitely improved a lot from this, and instead of going 6 or 7 or 8 years without so much as a date, I managed to have a few more dates in the last few years. I did meet someone great a few years ago ( I actually thought I had met Mr right, but circumstance or fate put an end to it). Any other dates more recently have been internet dates.
I think my loneliness is stemming from my complete lack of fulfillment, mostly due to me never being in a relationship. So many people around me are settling down, having kids, being busier and busier. I get that and I wish them luck. But I feel so lonely. I had joined some clubs and classes here… and have some acquaintance type friendships from these. But it really is hard work making friends when you’re in your 30s. I’m certainly not living under a stone and do try my best to be friendly when I’m at these places/groups.
I dip in and out of online dating.. I spend all day at a computer, so am not always in the mood to spend half the evening on my phone messaging randomers on dating apps…. Granted, I know it’s a good way of clocking up some dates, but I don’t think it’s my thing.
Work-wise, well I moved jobs last summer. It’s more interesting, and I told myself this was something to focus on and maybe it would be good for me to achieve something career wise. But of late and increasingly I start to notice my motivation is almost on the floor. Last week in my 1 to 1 with my boss he was asking me what area I’d like to develop into, and he said he presumed I want to move up the ranks etc. I was nodding but inside my head I was saying No way! I have zero interest or motivation. I simply cannot motivate myself. And I look at the people around me at work, so many of them have plans/drive to succeed. But I just cannot do it. The difference between them and myself I feel is that they are attached. They have someone to go home to in the evening etc. They have (I assume) fulfilment.

These days where men are concerned, I feel lost, hopeless, like I have some sort of handicap… like no matter what group/pub/workplace I go to I cannot even meet someone where we have a short term dating thing, never mind the real deal. I feel helpless on that front. The more times that I sit among groups of girls hearing them talk about relationships/ex’es etc I am often on the verge of bursting out crying. But I suppress this by not getting too involved in the conversations...
Sometimes now when I meet up with old friends (who are scattered all over the country) I find myself getting emotional, I’m not sure if it’s cos I miss them, I feel lonely where I live, or what. I don’t think upping sticks and moving back to home or to any other place where I’ve friends is the answer. The vast majority are attached, so it’s not like I’d have lots of people to hang out with.
I also know I’m not the only single 34 year old in the country, so I hope I’m not coming across like I’m a special case or am more deserving of meeting someone nice.
I don’t’ think I’m depressed but at times I feel a tiny bit of it. Hopefully it won't happen again;
I know there is no magic wand for me, and I guess nobody on here can give me some magic advice, but maybe there are others out there who have been in this situation, and might have some nugget of advice. I really do find it hard to keep smiling, keep happy, keep busy with things, cos every day at some point I feel these pangs of loneliness and don’t know what the solution is. I tell myself that I need to be happy in myself before anyone is going to come along. I get that, but it really is hard to keep on going…
Thanks for reading J

sparkledrum

Hi OP,

I've just read your post and I can identify with parts of it. I lived overseas when I was in my twenties and moved back in my late twenties. It is harder to make friends the older you get but you seem to have some friends now or if two have moved away are you spending a lot of time on your own?

You seem very focused on the relationship aspect which of course is a big thing but maybe focusing on enjoying fun activities that might be more achievable would make you feel happier for now. If you're feeling down in yourself it's extra hard to meet someone but if you focus on having more fun and just enjoying yourself a relationship may be more possible. Joining groups like meetup or any groups that get together to do things that you might be interested in would be good. It's hard to go at first but easier as time goes on.

Group therapy might be an idea also as you'd be in a safe space and would learn to relax more around men - usually the gender divide is 50:50.

I do think loneliness is one of the hardest things to deal with, especially if you feel life is passing you by but focusing on what's missing won't help you. Think instead of all you've got in your life. Don't compare yourself or your life with others. They may be going through difficulties you don't know anything about.

I really don't know if I've said anything helpful but I just wanted to try. I really hope things improve for you.