why cant I get over my nasty ex

LegacyUser

We work for the same company but rarely see each other as we are on different shifts. We started off as good friends and ended up falling head over heels, i confided in him about my life , i thought he was so easy to talk to i could talk to him for hours and tell him everything.
BUT as soon as he reeled me in and we became a couple he totally changed he tried to control me and put me down, he turned into this horrible monster

I wasnt allowed to talk to anyone, always bad-mouthed my friends and family, he knocked all my confidence out of me and i became a nervous wreck. i eventually got rid of him after a huge argument when it had all just built up i couldnt take anymore. he threatened that he would come and get me with vemon in his face.
He followed through his threat a month later by coming to my apartment complex during the night and slashing my 4 tyres on my car and keying my car and pulling the rubber off my windscreen. The Police wouldnt do anything because 'i didnt see him do it' and there is no cctv in the area. I confronted him a few days later and he just laughed and said i told you id get you.

It's been 18 months now and i'm still not over him. Since i got away from him i've been to 8 sessions of counselling, and built my confidence back up. I've been on a few dates but cannot bring myself to get into another relationship , every guy i meet i push them away. i think about my nasty ex every minute of every day , it's like i miss him and i know i still love him. I would never in a million years get back with him not after everything he put me through so why do i still feel like this? It doesnt help that i see him the odd time in work. My heart races when i see him and i get butterflies and tremble.

Every song i hear on the radio weather it be a love song or a heartbroken song, i think of my ex. i just cant erase him from my mind. thinking of him with someone else makes me feel jealous. i've tried so hard to get him out of my mind but i feel i'm not fully over him.

I sent him a drunken text a few months ago telling him i still loved him and miss him so much, he replied saying he felt the same but we both know it wouldnt work. the next day i remembered the texting and cringed, i just make a fool of myself. i dont like him thinking he still has control and it makes me look weak.

I just wish i could erase him out of my mind completly. it feels like he is still able to control me without even doing anything.

Neyite

Would you be willing to have a chat with someone in Women's Aid? They have great insight into guys like that and can help you process it. That's what really helped me, plus reading this book.

I think a large part of you not feeling like you are moving on is that he's still in your life as such because you work in the same place. It's a bit like an addiction - if you've ever smoked, you can quit and know that they are bad for you but still want a cigarette. And it takes a little longer to lose that urge to smoke.

You know he is bad for you. But you are hurting and confused and lonely and maybe just want someone there as opposed to him there if you know what I mean. Often these people are very charismatic and can sweep you off your feet, which makes it all the harder when they drop you from a height.

You will get through this. I promise. You'll look back and see how far you have come, and you will be stronger than ever. But you might need to do a little thinking and regrouping for yourself first.

LegacyUser

You are addicted to how he made you feel in the start. That wasn't the 'real' him. That was just to 'reel' you in. Try to remember that distinction.That's how those type of relationships work. He is dangerous. Run. Keep running and don't look back.

LegacyUser

Thanks girls i appreciate the support. That book you sent me the link to....i read up on something like that before and printed off a few pages with some great tips. My counsellor told me to type out all the bad things he done on me or said to me, i thought it may be a few lines, but once my fingers hit the keyboard...6 pages later i was still typing. Everytime I felt weak and wanted to text or call him, i'd take out these pages and read over them and keep reminding myself how bad he treated me. It's like that Stockholm syndrome

I hate him for what he has done on me but i know how lucky i am to be away from him, but it is killing me that i cannot stop thinking of him 18 months on and it kills me even more when i see him, when i do see him i just say 'scumbag' in my mind, but nothing works. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I really want to get on with my life but the good memories and how well we get on are keeping me clinging on....to nothing

I wish I could control my feelings, cos if i could control them i wouldnt be feeling like this.

vandriver

On a practical level,delete his number from your phone.

LegacyUser

His number is deleted , but it's in my memory. Once I have a few drinks in me i stupidly text him
i just wish i could wipe him completely from my mind like he was dead to me.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you a smartphone? If you do, you can change a setting or use an app to stop you calling or texting him.

LegacyUser

I have a smartphone. Thanks for that, i will google how to do that. thank you

Big Bag of Chips

maryellen1987 wrote: »

I wish I could control my feelings, cos if i could control them i wouldnt be feeling like this.

Do you know what, maybe you're trying too hard. If you forbid yourself from having something, sometimes it becomes all you want! Allow yourself to feel those feelings. You did have good times with him. So allow yourself to remember those. You're putting too much pressure on yourself and you're buckling under it. You are forcing yourself to forget him, hate him etc but it's not working. So try something different.

Write things down. Thoughts fill up your head unless you can free up a bit of space. Writing it down gets it out of your head and stops you going over and over it. Write everything down, the good and the bad. Whatever order it comes out on the page. He still has a power over you, accept that but make a decision to take control of that. By starting to empty your head of him you are taking control.

You may always have residual feelings for him. But I can almost guarantee overtime they will fade, and he will eventually just become someone you used to know. Don't pressure yourself to hate him, or avoid him. Treat him as you would any other work colleague you are not particularly friendly with. Say hi as you pass and move on. Once you start feeling a bit more in control then you will become more in control."

LegacyUser

Thank you 'Bag of Chips', that really is sound advise.

You are right, I'm forcing myself to forget him , it's like being on a diet you keep telling yourself that you are on a diet but the more you think about it, the more tempted you are to eat and you eat. i've downloaded that APP to stop myself texting his number.

He's a nasty piece of work and not worth wasting my breath on.