Do you have "EXTRA STRONG" connections with some people?

LegacyUser

This might seem like an odd question.

I've spent the last few weeks thinking about past relationships. I've had really good ones that went bad, really bad ones that went really bad and some Ugh ones. In all of these scenarios (bar the one I'm going to reference in a moment) when it got to a place where it was dying I was able to see and appreciate why a break-up was the clever solution. Of course it was sad and uncomfortable and occasionally there was a little back and forth post-breakup - but I moved on.

So, the last few years I've had an odd back and forth with a guy where we have both tried to end it as any attempts we have made at a relationship have back-fired. Either the timing was wrong or one or both of us would get freaked out by the sheer-chemistry and back off.

This guy has lied to me, and I have lied to him, we've both hurt each other and ultimately I view him as the most complicated person I could ever get involved with, and I like an easy life . So, after the most recent reconciliation where the timing seemed to have been better but the legacy from previous damage lives on - I used my brain to logically list out all of the reasons why I need to remove this person from my life. I had a very sane conversation with him where we both ended up laughing about how nightmarish we were for each other and very amicably agreed to bury it, for a view months anyway...we said goodbye and then hours later found ourselves texting about how hard both of us find it to not be in touch and how it just doesn't sit right with either of us. But, to date, the other option hasn't been working either.

He's screwed me over and instead of getting upset I actually completely understand where his head was and why he did it, except - that's just given me a load of trust issues....

I sort of tried to get revenge on him too and caused him terrible **** and he too seems to be able to see past it.

It's not a case of not being able to live without him, I totally can, I'm the busiest person I know next to him - it's like I just know he'll be back, he always is, he's like so far ingrained in to the foundations of my world and I love him with all my heart (just not sure in what context) and I fully believe it's mutual, but it's still difficult not to feel vulnerable

Is this a passing phase? I'm normally so sane and logical - this is just mad stuff

batmanrobin

OP, the two of you are very obviously not suited to each other. What you have described is a bit dysfunctional. You need to sever ties completely with this person or you'll waste countless years breaking up and making up. It stops you from finding a more suitable partner.

You say you know he'll be back. Well why no break that cycle. Text him and say it's best if you don't speak to each other for a good long while as you both need to heal and move on.

What you've described is more like an addiction than love. You two seem to feed off the worst parts of each other.

Now, by all means if you're enjoying the whole drama of it, continue. If however you'd actually like to move past it and experience a healthy relationship, then you have to be tough with yourself and him and go no contact. Of course it's hard to do, but it is so much healthier for you both in the long run.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, i know exactly the kind of situation you are describing! Its wonderful and horrible at the same time, but overall its just horrible. These situations tend to go on until you wake up one day, and realise that you've lost years of your life on a situation that is just going round in circles, and you cant get that time back. You dont want to look in the mirror and see yourself old and grey and still not with this guy, you will feel so angry at him and yourself for wasting your precious time.
I know that these 'connections' can be exciting, but i think the truth is that if it were truly two-way, it wouldnt take years on end for him to decide to try and be with you, and commit to trying.
Possibly you are addicted to this 'connection' feeling, at least I know i was when i was in a similar situation. You sound like a nice person who should have a person who cares enough about you to be with you, it isn't really much to ask, and if somebody can't do that for you, then what does he really add to your life? In my humble opinion (and experience) if somebody wants to be with you they will be, and they won't even think about doing anything which might cause them to lose you, and it certainly shouldnt take years on end!
Also, the thing is someone can have a 'connection' with you, but that doesn't mean that they will treat you well, and ultimately being treated well is more important than any perceived 'connection'. (im my opinion, anyway).

LegacyUser

Believe me op, I know how you feel. My most recent relationship was very dysfunctional to the point I was doubting if I could ever do any better. The chemistry we had was electric and I think that's the reason it was hard to end it. He cheated on me several times(emptionally/sexting supposedly)and lied and like you I was trying to justify it.
Take it from me, let it go. That understanding of how he treated you bad will soon turn to anger and then acceptance. You'll realise then you can do a lot better

LegacyUser

I’ve been there, and unlike the other posters, I think I view it as a largely positive experience. There were terrible parts to it, and God knows were were bad for each other in lots of ways, but she taught me a lot about my own inner life, my own emotions, my own outlook on the world. I experienced so much confusion and excitement over her, I had to question loads of things I thought I knew. My feelings for her allowed me access some of the best parts and worst parts of my personality. We went from colleagues, to friends, to great friends, to lovers, and right back that spectrum. She is still who I think of when I think of the best people I know. She was everything you’d look for really, funny, smart, caring, beautiful and most of all we connected in a way that I do sometimes think we had some sort of telepathy or deep empathy connecting us. Obviously that sounds ridiculous but if you’ve felt it you’ll know what I mean.

I still can’t hear her name without a certain wistful happiness and I hope she’s happy out. Ultimately we had to cut contact because I was ok with us being friends when it ended but she told me she couldn’t get over me. It’s hard, very hard, when you realise a person you love is holding themselves back because of their feelings for you. I can still remember where we were, everything about it, it had been three years since we’d “broken up” and she just told me straight out she couldn’t get over me. Really threw me because we were dating other people by then.

I do wonder if she thinks of me now and then but mostly I hope she’s living a pretty great Technicolor life. We didn’t work out for a whole ocean of reasons, but I do know where you’re coming from and I do think you just meet some people you connect with on a profound level. I swear the cells in my blood could tell when she was near. We didn’t work out but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worthwhile.

Just to give context, I know about loss, I lost my father years ago as a teenager, and she helped me hugely to explore the feelings I’d left buried for years since his death. For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully over losing him, and in some ways I don’t think I’ll be over her either, though the emotions I feel for both are wildly different. I’ve never been the type to forget feelings. But even as I type that I know I am “over” her, except to say maybe I’m still thankful for what we had. Certainly I don’t pine for her or think of her in anything but a vague “I wonder what” way.

I’m in a much healthier relationship now, but I’m a better person so everything I went through. Relationships like that can teach you an awful lot about yourself if you’re willing to learn some hard truths.

Life isn’t meant to be linear, imo, it’s meant to be messy and it’s meant to get confusing at times, otherwise what’s the point? Even typing this out has made me realise how much I care for my partner and how lucky I am that things ended with the other girl so I could meet them.

LegacyUser

@thisrocketshipdoesnthavereverse! That was really beautiful and reminds me also of a past relationship I had with an ex. Although I haven't met anyone yet,I still think breaking up was the best thing as he didn't feel the way I did for him.
Op it will be hard, but for yourself I really think you should take on board what others have said here