The ex has a new flame...

Frank Bullitt

So I saw over the weekend that my ex-girlfriend now has a new flame, and is off on a nice holiday with him in Italy. Felt like the world just fell apart on me and I have been on a bit of a downer since.

We broke up last September after only 8 months or so, so time isn't really a problem for me, there has been plenty since we have broken up, and she also text me in February to say that she had to cut off contact with me to move on and heal, so that should have been the first warning to me really.

We had an ok break-up (as ok as can be expected) in that we both kinda knew it was for the best, we hadn't been getting on for the months previous to that, and I was very unhappy in the relationship and how she made me feel sometimes about myself. I was in some immigration limbo at the time, so things like going outside of Canada etc were difficult for me.

Another factor was her work, she was very busy and under a lot of pressure, and with trying to save a relationship and working the crazy hours she was, ultimately the relationship fell apart.

I guess at the time I never really dealt with it properly, the previous months before the break up were very hard for me, and I had already kind of checked out, but I don't think I addressed it properly. I don't have feelings for her anymore but I do remember the good times, and I was also hoping to keep in touch, but she made her mind up on that, and now I see why.

I've chatted with a few friends about it, and so far what I am feeling seems fairly normal, in that it stings seeing your ex go through the good times with a new person, and I currently am not in a relationship. It makes me think of the past too much and I already do that enough, I suffer from some anxiety and also bouts of depression from not being able to get my head in the right place to look at my life. And what I saw at the weekend really kicked it off for me in a bad way.

So far it seems like time is the only thing that will do, and also not trying to think of what else I could have done to save the relationship, because I can swear on my heart that I tried hard, she even said at the time it was not fair for me to be putting in the effort and her not being able to.

As some can see, I am based in Vancouver, and have been here for 3 years nearly. Oddly enough I am in the final stages of my residency being accepted and I really am not excited or overwhelmed about it. I see this being a factor since I found out on Friday, but over all now I really am in a feeling of complete 'bleh', I don't know how to think, what to think, or what i am thinking. I don't see Vancouver as home and never have really, and the last 4 days have just been about thinking of going home, but I think that would be way too drastic.

Not sure if I am asking for advice or what really, but I needed to get this off my chest I suppose.

Thanks

*Edit

I should be honest and note, when she text me in February, I deleted her from my instagram and also Facebook, but being silly, I went and creeped on her instagram and that is how I found out. So it seems I enjoy self torture.

Wompa1

Nothing unusual there. Any time you see an ex that you cared for there is a bit of a tinge feeling for a while. Eventually you begin to feel nothing.

With what you are saying about Vancouver, it sounds like you may have deeper issues than this girl. I'm living out foreign too...it can kind of feel like you are putting your life on hold when you aren't living in the place you want to. That could nurture a dependence on a relationship....maybe your happiness is the root issue.

I would suggest taking some time to think about what makes you happy and then working to pursue that. You'll forget about her eventually.

Neyite

What you are feeling is pretty normal. It stings when an ex you might have residual feelings for moves on and seems happy, particularly if you yourself is still single. It's totally normal to have an occasional look on social media to see what your ex is doing these days.

Wompa makes a good point about living abroad too. A friend of mine in NZ was settling down there residency in the pipeline, then broke up and all she wanted to do was come home to what was familiar. Then work got busy and not long after she met someone so is happy again to stay. So there is definitely an added dimension when you break up abroad. Maybe it accentuates the post-breakup loneliness?

But if you were happy to stay before you saw that she had someone new, can you identify for yourself if that was because in general you are happy in Vancouver, or if it was because you felt that there was a chance she would come back to you?

What I would suggest is to ruminate on it for a month or so -maybe for the summer? Summers are sh!t in Ireland anyway. Throw yourself into a social life, go on a few dates and so on, then re-evaluate if you want to come home then.

Frank Bullitt

Great advice guys, and what you have said has hit me quite a lot.

I think seeing my ex move on might have just added fuel to an already bad fire. To be honest going back to Ireland has been on my mind for a while now. My grandmother passed away last year and I wasn't there for that, that I think has never been addressed properly by me, and yesterday in my room I just looked at a photo of her and broke down. She would be the person I would talk to now about this, and I can even hear what she would say to me and all.

I think I might have had this false hope of her texting me to meet up and then it might start again, but honestly that is a parallel universe wish because I can't say that I miss her so to speak, more so the companionship really. And even at that, the final few months were not great for me with her, and she didn't make me feel great about myself. She did apologize for that and I don't hold bad feelings, and really I shouldn't, it just wasn't meant to be to be honest and I have to accept that.

The happiness thing though, that I think is the cause. I am trying to change that up but right now I don't know how. I think I compromised what I was feeling for her in our relationship and that has taken the life out of what I like to do.

Its a very hard one to judge, and I appreciate the the help guys.

Frank Bullitt

Dont suppose there is a set amount of time it takes? Hahaha

I keep reading over past texts, which again is stupid. I just seem to want to punish myself for this.

ivytwine

Gintonious wrote: »

Dont suppose there is a set amount of time it takes? Hahaha

I keep reading over past texts, which again is stupid. I just seem to want to punish myself for this.

A very simple and practical solution to this is delete the texts. You're only tormenting yourself, trust me.

These things take time X

Wompa1

I think I read before that rough estimate is that you begin to get over somebody after half the length of the relationship and pretty much completely forget 1.5 times the length of the relationship....but that's all pie in the sky stuff.

Neyite

I think my worst break-ups, I was substantially over them by about 5 months. As in, I didn't feel like I was hit by a bus when I'd see them with someone, I'd be ok with it and not upset and by then had no interest in contact or going over old text strings or trying to figure out my feelings.

It is probably delayed grief over your grandmother too. I know delayed grief well. Would you talk to someone about all of it? A counsellor? I've one lined up for my delayed grief, but I cant do it now as there is stuff I need to focus on but I know I'll need to tease it all out in my head with someone who can help me at some point.

stoplooklisten

you were together 8 months and split up 8 months ago? You were very unhappy for months because she made you feel crap.

Delete the texts and move on. It's not healthy for you to be re-reading them and obsessing over this short relationship.

Frank Bullitt

Deleting the texts seems to be the thing to do. Its hard because there were good times in there as well. And I begin to question if I was good enough in the relationship.

I remembered I asked her if there was anything else I could have done and she shook her head and said "You were exceptional", thinking about that makes me not feel too bad, in that I know that I tried. If I could then I would change things of course, but I can't. So I have to accept that its happened for a reason.

This is all very new to me, and I know that it was short in comparison to other relationships that I have seen people break up from, but there was substance to it. I think that hurts the most, well not hurt, but that stinging feeling.

Going to talk to someone has been mentioned now about 6 times in the last few days, so it might be the thing to do for me if it can help me find out what is wrong right now.

Frank Bullitt

Texts are gone.

Anyone any idea of how to untag photos of yourself on Instagram?

Starokan

Gintonious wrote: »

Texts are gone.

Anyone any idea of how to untag photos of yourself on Instagram?

No idea friend but fair play on deleting the texts

The only way you can move on is to not have her in your life in any way shape or form. Just cut contact across the board

I think you will be okay relatively quickly once you stop reading the texts , looking up facebook instagram etc , you managed the first 8 months , its just the initial shock, she would be the same if she saw you with someone.

Onwards & upwards , I wouldnt make any rash decisions about moving , wait until you are in a place of no hurt etc and then you will know what to do

Frank Bullitt

Starokan wrote: »

No idea friend but fair play on deleting the texts

The only way you can move on is to not have her in your life in any way shape or form. Just cut contact across the board

I think you will be okay relatively quickly once you stop reading the texts , looking up facebook instagram etc , you managed the first 8 months , its just the initial shock, she would be the same if she saw you with someone.

Onwards & upwards , I wouldnt make any rash decisions about moving , wait until you are in a place of no hurt etc and then you will know what to do

The instagram thing I think I can figure out and deal with. There are a few bits like cards that she gave me, but I don't go looking for them or anything, and I think they are in a pile of stuff in my room.

I can cut contact directly easily enough, but there are still friends who know friends who know friends etc, and Vancouver is still small enough for that to happen. But I will actively now not look at social media, or anything, I think thats the big thing I have to do.

Oddly enough, since I deleted the texts and a few of her friends from my insta as well, I have felt better.

But again, there are still overarching issues that need to be addressed on my side for me to fully grasp what I am at with my life.

Women...wha?!?!

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Frank Bullitt

FizzleSticks wrote: »

At least you're taking the steps to move on, I would get rid of everything to do with her cards and all although some people do keep a few things, depends on the individual.

My ex never posted on facebook until a year later he puts up wedding photos (yikes that was quick) and it did bring up feelings (mostly the why wasn't a good enough/nail in the coffin we're never getting back) but after a month of it popping up in my mind I never reminisced on the relationship again and now I'm with someone new I can see how that relationship wasn't all that!

I honestly went from believing they were the one that got away to strongly believing no I was the one who got away

A few friends have said that to me, I hope they are right, haha.

Frank Bullitt

Not to keep a burning house going. But I have chatted with a lot of friends over the past few days, and that has really helped, as has the advice in here.

One close friend has pinpointed that I probably still do miss my ex, but I am over-looking the bad times in favour of the good. When we broke up, it was a bit wishy-washy in that we were still texting etc, and then it sort of seemed like things might start up again given sometime apart.

It was on both of our parts that this was never addressed.

I have held onto false hope, and its not come back to bite me in the ass. I should have fully done the cull of texts in February when she said we couldn't be friends anymore, and I would still glance instagram etc or see her photos through friends in common etc.

Ive also settled on going to see a counsellor about this, and other things. Aside from my ex, I dwell on the past and focus on the future too much, both of which create massive amounts of anxiety and depression, and I really don't need that.

Its been about a week since I found out, and its been a tough week. I've cried more than I would care to, and I have burned the ears of friends, and on boards. If anyone ever gets into the same situation, just talk with someone, it helps so much.

Ive also been reading a book called The Power of Now, and its like its reading to me. Getting a grasp of my mind when its going 150mph is what I need to do, and its really helping. Hopefully the counsellor will also help that, its covered by my benefits from work as well so no harm at all.

Thanks again for the advice lads, slowly getting there.

Frank Bullitt

The trip to the counsellor was really great, it feels like the start I needed to make.

Still feeling a tad in the dumps about the ex moving on, but the counsellor has found some other issues at play. There are some cognitive things that I need to work on, and that ultimately affects me as a person. I have another session this weekend, and I am looking forward to unearthing some more stuff to help me get my head in the right frame of mind.

She also said I have some irrational beliefs that I hold, and these are also having an effect on how I just live my life, and how I perceive myself through others. In other words that I think that everyone sees a different me, so that needs to also change.

Unfortunately I have checked back on the ex's insta, and I am now gonna fully not bother anymore. So many have said the same thing, and it just hurts seeing her now happy with someone else. But time will sort this I am sure.

batmanrobin

Gintonious wrote: »

The trip to the counsellor was really great, it feels like the start I needed to make.

Still feeling a tad in the dumps about the ex moving on, but the counsellor has found some other issues at play. There are some cognitive things that I need to work on, and that ultimately affects me as a person. I have another session this weekend, and I am looking forward to unearthing some more stuff to help me get my head in the right frame of mind.

She also said I have some irrational beliefs that I hold, and these are also having an effect on how I just live my life, and how I perceive myself through others. In other words that I think that everyone sees a different me, so that needs to also change.

Unfortunately I have checked back on the ex's insta, and I am now gonna fully not bother anymore. So many have said the same thing, and it just hurts seeing her now happy with someone else. But time will sort this I am sure.

Well done, OP. Stick with it. Being able to speak to someone whose job is solely to listen and help can be very freeing. You don't feel like you might be judged compared to talking to family or friends. Plus family and friends can get tired of hearing that record being played on a loop!

As for checking her Instagram page, sure everyone does it. One day you knew what was going on in this person's life and the next they're a stranger and you no longer get to know. I think that can be one of hardest things to get used to, the not knowing what's going on in their daily lives. You feel like you're missing out. But speaking from experience, it does prolong the pain and it makes it worse and you always end up feeling like sh*t after it. Better to put the phone down and walk away and try to distract yourself until the urge passes.

Frank Bullitt

batmanrobin wrote: »

Well done, OP. Stick with it. Being able to speak to someone whose job is solely to listen and help can be very freeing. You don't feel like you might be judged compared to talking to family or friends. Plus family and friends can get tired of hearing that record being played on a loop!

As for checking her Instagram page, sure everyone does it. One day you knew what was going on in this person's life and the next they're a stranger and you no longer get to know. I think that can be one of hardest things to get used to, the not knowing what's going on in their daily lives. You feel like you're missing out. But speaking from experience, it does prolong the pain and it makes it worse and you always end up feeling like sh*t after it. Better to put the phone down and walk away and try to distract yourself until the urge passes.

Never a truer word spoken. And its a realization I have had also. You are basically battling with emotion and logic.

You automatically remember the good times, and totally over look the bad. I have a friend be quite up front with me about how miserable I was towards the end of it, and how she really did not end it correctly, there was a "go on and live your life, don't wait for me", which wasn't a clean cut.

Hindsight is 20/20, and seeing her happy with another guy, logically that was never gonna be me, ever. Each day gets easier though, and the positive has to be the steps I have taken now to make myself happier. I recognize I have a minimizing cognitive way of looking at things. Its made me think of my aunt who passed away in 1999, I realized recently that I have now outlived her by 3 years. That hit me hard and I also now see how important she was for me in my life, almost like that sister I should have had, and she was taken away. I never grieved for that.

Its mad how something like this can make you think more about bigger things. My ex will soon be a non-factor as my logical mindset is kicking in more, "It was never gonna work" rather than "I wish it had worked", not healthy to think like that, and I now see that I need to look out for number 1 in this, and thats me.

Look after yourself, guys.