Can't cope with family any more

LegacyUser

I'm a 20 year old lad, living at home with my parents and my two brothers(17 & 15). I'm in college studying computer science and I absolutely love it. I'm literally obsecessed with programming. But to the point

I can't cope with my family anymore. I feel like I'm not respected I'm the house, and like I never was. When ever I try to talk and get involved in conversations I'm talked over and cut off. This happens 80% of the time. Whenever I try to talk with my dad, he just nods and says yea, he doesn't try and engage in conversation. This ,ages it awkward as when we're alone in the house, or he brings me to work with him we just sit there in silence <SNIP>

Everything I don't agree with something my brothers tell me to chill. This drives me up the wall. If I give my opinion on changes my parents are doing in the house and it isn't what they want to hear, they say stop being like so and so(someone they always slag) or say get a life.

I think my parents actually gave me social anxiety when I was 15. I used to go out the odd time with my mates. But not often, and they lost it with me saying I have no friends, I Should be going out and getting with girls and all that ****e) ever since then, when ever I see people walking up the street around my age, I'm all anxious and look away take a my phone out, anything to avoid eye contact.

We generally are a closes family, but these events and reactions from my family make me rage on the inside. Even when I say I want to start a business, I'm told to get a job as its to much stress to be self employed.

I would move out but having **** all money, and wanting to save a deposit before I move out are a hinder acne.

Pawwed Rig

Do what your brothers say and chill out a bit. You are at an age where you are neither a child or a functioning adult so it is not surprising really that your parents may not treat you as an 'equal' despite what you want.
I am not sure why you are getting involved in conversations about decore. It is grand to give your opinion but it is inlikely anyone is going to impliment anything you say unless it is part of the overall plan (unless you are paying of course buy that doesn't seem likely).
You need to live your own life and not be so involved in theirs.

Sun in Capri

This is a view from a oldie - are you spending too much time on a computer as this is known to lead to feelings of anxiety, being unable to relax, switch off etc? Whilst it is great you are passionate about your chosen field it is important to get away from that from time to time, do something completely different, get out and about and socialise etc. I do not intend to undermine what you are saying about your family in any way but I think it can be part of early adulthood that family can wreck your head.

LegacyUser

everyone goes through a bit of this at that age. my opinion would be that of course at 20 you feel like you are an adult, you feel you should be respected. but you wont be. 30 is the new 20 and even at that, most irish twenty-somethings and 30 year olds are quite immature by international standards...

by the sounds of it, your folks still see you as their CHILD. you're only out of school a wet week.

as others said, you should try and get away or take breaks from the computer too - i read something recently about how the light ommitted from computer screens actually decreases white blood cell count, among triggering depression and anxiety when used too much.

i'm in my mid thirties now, and i still get slagged, talked over and mad an eejit out of sometimes by my folks, and my two brothers - and they'd get it back too...

it's, iMO, part of normal family life, and if you can take the slags with a pinch of salt and come back at them with your own it's perfectly normal and sounds like you should focus on what's good about it all, rather than fighting against it.

Xterminator

OP you are still living at home, under your parents roof, and perhaps living on their dime (at least partly)? in that case you really are still one of the children.

In the US you still wouldn't be able to purchase a drink!!

After you move out and become self sufficient you may well find your relationship with your parents and siblings will improve. I know mine did. We would get on each other nerves, but now i look forwards to family events to meet up and socialise and get on well with siblings.

I'd suggest you try to be the bigger man, the more mature sibling who doesn't lose the head, and is a calming influence. But the dynamic of how your family works is unlikely to change drastically until you are a self sufficient adult, who does not live in his parents pockets.

X

zoobizoo

Couple of different issues here:

-Your dad not engaging in conversation
-Your brothers telling you to chill
-Your social anxiety
-Your anger


Parents can be like that particularly if you're talking to them about things they have no interest in. What do you try to talk to him about? My dad likes to talk about things he's interested in but trying to get him to discuss politics or anything else, unless we agree on the topic, the conversation is short. Maybe you're not very interesting (no offence meant) but at 20, I wasn't particularly interesting and conversations with my folks revolved around college.

As for him talking over you - some people are like that - but again, he doesn't sound too unlike other people's parents.

Your brothers do what brothers do - I did that to my older brothers - that's what brothers do. What I would say is that it sounds like you might very opinionated (not a bad thing ever) but expressing it in a forceful way (forgive me if I'm off the mark)

Social Anxiety - I don't think anyone can give you social anxiety. As it is, it sounds like you suffer from it. Have you looked up any books on how to deal with it?

Your idea to start up your own business:
Listen, I started up my own business. My dad was behind me - my mother wondered why I'd want to do that... why not stick with a secure job - because that is all she knew. Your folks may not understand why you want to do it, but they probably understand a steady salary and all that entails. People will give you advice all through your life and that's cool - it's up to you whether or not to take it


It sounds like you're angry and frustated.. and that you are directing that anger towards your family. The reason for your unhappiness is unclear... Google Anger and Anxiety.

Do you have the money to go talk to a professional about the anxiety and anger?

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Lau2976

Llike others have said a lot of the time that is what family is like. I come from a house of girls and if I waited for one of them to take a breath all the time so I could speak I would never get a word in. If it really upsets you talk to your parents and tell them that you get annoyed when people over speak you.

As for your dad maybe try to engage him more. My dad was more actively involved but from seeing many of my friends dads they were very similar to yours. He probably just feels as though he doesn't have anything to say to you, especially if you often get upset at what they see as normal slagging.

Your relationships will change when you move out but dit let it drift too far as that's always something that can happen

Make sure your proactive in your relations

melissak

Move out and support yourself. Then you can demand to be treated like an adult. It is their house so they can live however they like.

Starokan

You have reached a point whereby you just cannot live at home anymore

Move out and rejig your plan for saving a deposit to allow for the extra time that will be incurred by spending more money now

If you decide to stay then you are going to have to endure as best you can

via4

I think starting a business is a great idea. Defo look into that. Maybe do it at night time after college and a part time job. Your mother is correct it is stressful being self employed your business is your life and there is no support in Ireland for self employed people. If you are working for someone else they have the stress not you you get your wage anyway. Maybe do both until you get off the ground with the new business. I agree with starokan your time at home is coming to an end so look into moving out I thought it would be impossible to pay bills and everything but you manage and get into a routine quick enough. Op my dad is the exact same there's is only certain topics we can talk about if I want to have a conversation with him. Any other type of topic he would just roll his eyes tell me I'm wrong or stupid or start an argument. I know how to deal with him now so I just stick to the topics he's dsnt start arguing about.