Is this sexual assault?

ItsJustLaura

So I was kissing a lad the other night and before I kissed him I made it clear that a kiss is all it would be! But he started to squeeze my ass and feel my boobs, I kept moving his hand away but he kept moving it back. He started rubbing me down below through my trousers and I kept pulling his hand away and saying no but he kept going back! He tried to take off my trousers but I didn't let him. He then put his hands down my trousers and started touching me and I just let it cause I tried to stop him so many times at this point and he wouldn't stop so I knew he wasn't going to stop now. He took my bra off without consent and was touching me and tried to take off my top but I wouldn't let it. At this point I started to cry, so we stopped which I was so glad about but then 10 mins later he starts again and I still tried to get him to stop but he didn't. Am I overreacting or is this sexual assault? Thanks for your help.

ted1

Yes, you said no and he went on.
There's some stuff in this site http://www.drcc.ie along with a helpline with trained staff that can talk to you

Ursus Horribilis

Well, looking online one of the things that falls in under sexual assault is Fondling or unwanted sexual touching.

Now, I really don't want to go down the road of victim blaming here but I've got to ask this. Why on earth did you stay near this fella after he had groped you and made you cry? You say he tried it again 10 minutes later.... Out of curiosity, where did all of this happen?

ItsJustLaura

Odus fell down wrote: »

Well, looking online one of the things that falls in under sexual assault is Fondling or unwanted sexual touching.

Now, I really don't want to go down the road of victim blaming here but I've got to ask this. Why on earth did you stay near this fella after he had groped you and made you cry? You say he tried it again 10 minutes later.... Out of curiosity, where did all of this happen?

It was in my house when this happened. We are good friends and I had a few people over. He stayed over. I asked him to leave but he said no that he was gonna stay for a few more hours

Ursus Horribilis

Right....well it's time to strike this guy off your list of "good friends". What he did was very very wrong. He knew exactly what he was doing and he refused to stop. In other words, he didn't respect your words but continued to touch you sexually and attempted to undress you against your consent. He wouldn't leave when you asked him to either. I dread to think what might have happened if you hadn't started to cry. It's funny how tears were the only thing that made him stop. Not your words.

strandroad

It is a sexual assault and he is not a good friend, and not any kind of friend to be honest. I would cut all contact if I were you and warned your female friends about him.

ItsJustLaura

I haven't talked to him since and I'm not going to talk to him either! I'm done with him now! He knew I was in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of me. Do you think I should text him and tell him what he did was not ok?

strandroad

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

I haven't talked to him since and I'm not going to talk to him either! I'm done with him now! He knew I was in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of me. Do you think I should text him and tell him what he did was not ok?

He knows this, and he just doesn't care. I'd just cut contact.

Ursus Horribilis

If you can stomach telling them at all, I would take mhge's advice and warn your friends.

PressRun

Cut contact. Warn other female friends.

He's a creep and what he did was very wrong. He knows it was wrong too and doesn't give a ****. Steer well clear of this person and tell your friends to also.

A_Sober_Paddy

Why did you continue to Kiss him while he was doing all this? When he transgressed the first time, break away and walk away

eviltwin

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Why did you continue to Kiss him while he was doing all this? When he transgressed the first time, break away and walk away

She probably thought by pushing him away the first time he'd get the message and stop. Most decent blokes would and this guy is a friend. She is in no way responsible for his actions.

A_Sober_Paddy

eviltwin wrote: »

She probably thought by pushing him away the first time he'd get the message and stop. Most decent blokes would and this guy is a friend. She is in no way responsible for his actions.

Not saying she is , but by continuing kissing him, he probably thought it's OK shes still kissing me...

eviltwin

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Not saying she is , but by continuing kissing him, he probably thought it's OK shes still kissing me...

A girl kissing you is just a girl kissing you. It doesn't imply she wants you to take her clothes off or put your hands down her pants. Sexual contact is not all or nothing. I think the fact she pushed him away is a clear indication that kissing was all she was comfortable with wouldn't you?

dudara

OP - yes, it was a sexual assault. Plus, by refusing to leave when asked, he also became a trespasser. What he did is simply unforgivable.

Don't have any more contact at all with him.

Paulownia

I'm not sure that what happened could be described as a sexual assault of you didn't try to get away from the situation.

dudara

@Paulownia - she said no. And he continued. That is assualt, end of. Victim blaming is not tolerated here in PI/RI.

dudara

allym

Paulownia wrote: »

I'm not sure that what happened could be described as a sexual assault of you didn't try to get away from the situation.

Of course it can. It was unwanted sexual contact i.e. Sexual assault.

Op please, please don't think you did anything wrong in this situation. You didn't. You made it clear you wanted him to stop and he didn't. You told him you only wanted to kiss and he didn't respect that. If you can, please talk to someone in real life about this as it will help you to process it. The drcc as linked above are also really helpful, even if it's just to talk through what's in your head right now.

ItsJustLaura

Is this my fault? Should I have tried harder to get him to stop? I tried to stop kissing him but he just kept pulling my face into him. I just went with it cause I didn't know what else to do! I told him to stop so many times and pulled his hands away so many times but he just didn't care. He was just ignoring me. I feel so disgusting and dirty.

ItsJustLaura

Am I overreacting? I've never been in this situation before so I don't know what's normal and what's not. Maybe I am overreacting

PressRun

You're not responsible for other people's actions.

eviltwin

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and you are not overreacting. Kissing a guy does not give him the right to try and remove your clothing or touch you intimately against your will. It's easy to look at it and say you should have done this or that but it's different when you are in the situation. Not running away does not mean you were giving consent, you had made it clear multiple times you were not comfortable with his behaviour so he's the disgusting one not you. I would definitely encourage you to contact the Rape Crisis Centre and talk it through with one of their support workers. Do not take on any guilt or shame over this, you did nothing wrong.

Zaph

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Is this my fault?

No it isn't, and you shouldn't think that. Only one person is at fault here and it isn't you.

You are obviously, and understandably having a hard time dealing with this. It might be worth your while calling the Rape Crisis Centre to speak to one of their people there. They will be able to counsel you and help you deal with the situation as this is the sort of thing that they're trained for.

ItsJustLaura

Thank you! You are all making me realise that I wasn't in the wrong and he was the one that did the wrong thing! I think I'm going to go to the counsellor at college this week cause I have other problems id like to discuss so I will talk to the counsellor about this also

Ursus Horribilis

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Is this my fault? Should I have tried harder to get him to stop? I tried to stop kissing him but he just kept pulling my face into him. I just went with it cause I didn't know what else to do! I told him to stop so many times and pulled his hands away so many times but he just didn't care. He was just ignoring me. I feel so disgusting and dirty.

It's very easy for us to sit behind keyboards and give our opinions on what you should have done. I like to think that if I was in your shoes, I'd have kneed him in the goolies, shouted for help and had him thrown out. But who knows - maybe I'd be like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car?

I think the advice about giving the Rape Crisis Centre is good. They're trained to deal with this sort of thing. It might be good to talk to someone now - it might take a few days for you to get an appointment with a college counsellor .

ItsJustLaura

I don't even know how I feel about it. I mostly feel numb and emotionless but I also feel dirty and angry at him. I just don't know how to feel

Ursus Horribilis

The number of the DRCC is 1800 778 888. I think you could do with giving them a buzz

ItsJustLaura

Thanks very much! I might give them a ring later

eviltwin

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

I don't even know how I feel about it. I mostly feel numb and emotionless but I also feel dirty and angry at him. I just don't know how to feel

That's completely normal. It's a process, you'll find your emotions change quite a bit. It's a traumatic experience and you need someone trained to help you through it.

ItsJustLaura

Why do people think they can do this to people? No is no. I'm just thankful it didn't go further than what it did. He kept telling me to relax and that he respects I don't want sex, but he clearly didn't respect me! Ugh I feel sick thinking about it

Ursus Horribilis

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Why do people think they can do this to people? No is no. I'm just thankful it didn't go further than what it did. He kept telling me to relax and that he respects I don't want sex, but he clearly didn't respect me! Ugh I feel sick thinking about it

Unfortunately, there are far too many people out there who think like this creep. If there weren't, there'd be no need for the Rape Crisis Centre Even though this guy didn't rape you, he did enough to leave you traumatised. Because of his behaviour - and his behaviour alone - he left you feeling powerless, ignored and violated. You are going to be feeling just about every emotion under the sun after what happened. So, if you feel up to ringing the Rape Crisis Centre at some stage today, please do. I think it would help you a lot.

Calypso Realm

Laura-What this guy did was truly and utterly appalling and yes it was a sexual assault, no doubt about that at all. No means no in any sexual context. You made it clear beforehand what your boundaries were which this jerk clearly transgressed and disrespected. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.

Now, judging by some of your responses and indeed your username (which is a tad self-deprecating) it strikes me you have self-esteem issues, which you really need to address and work on before embarking on any further relationships. Honestly, valuing yourself more will help you deal far better with events like this should they occur in the future. For starters I'd have absolutely nothing more to do with this guy, EVER on any level.

Wishing you all the best!

m-a-i-

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Is this my fault? Should I have tried harder to get him to stop? I tried to stop kissing him but he just kept pulling my face into him. I just went with it cause I didn't know what else to do! I told him to stop so many times and pulled his hands away so many times but he just didn't care. He was just ignoring me. I feel so disgusting and dirty.

I recently went through a similar experience and can imagine and understand where you are coming from but you are not in any way shape or form at fault here. What he did was sexual assault and when you are in the crux of it happening to you it is easier said than done to think I'll just walk away and it will be OK. He is the one that should feel disgusting and dirty not you. Sending you love OP x

Emme

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

I don't even know how I feel about it. I mostly feel numb and emotionless but I also feel dirty and angry at him. I just don't know how to feel

OP if you haven't done so already please call the Rape Crisis Centre. What happened was sexual assault. Sexual assault isn't always a stranger jumping out behind a bush, grabbing a person by the hair and dragging them back behind the bush and having their wicked way. Most sexual assaults are carried out by somebody known to the victim in a familiar setting. Many sexual assaults go unreported for this reason.

By all means talk to your college counsellor but they may refer you to the Rape Crisis Centre anyway. Even if they don't talk to the Rape Crisis Centre as soon as possible.