Brother seems to be extremely mentally ill and won't accept help - very abusive

LegacyUser

My brother (early 20s) seems to be extremely ill, undiagnosed of yet and won't accept help.
He has a diagnosis of depression and general anxiety disorder that predates this most recent episode. This most recent situation involves extreme verbal and physical abuse over the last 3 weeks towards my parents and myself and our house. He dropped out of school and had remained unemployed the last 7 years apart from odd jobs around our neighborhood. Sleeps all day and goes out at night with friends who are no good for him. He spent the summer smoking pot and taking ecstasy and drinking alcohol. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer last summer and we have had a very difficult year as a family.

My brother has been screaming abuse and shoving mainly my Mum and I around and throwing things at us. My Dad just gets verbal abuse because he physically can't fight him because of his cancer. We have had the gardai to the house on 3 occasions over the past 2 weeks, the ambulance once. He was taken to hospital by ambulance and released a few hours later. He was arrested under the mental health act last weekend and taken to the station where a doctor assessed him and released him. That episode led to my parents taking a protection order covering me and both of them and our house. Now that's made it worse because my Mum won't call the gards so he gets a criminal record so it's only made the situation more dangerous.

He's been to a psychiatrist who recommended inpatient treatment and my parents brought him to the hospital and he ran off and got a taxi home. The psychiatrist at the hospital he was brought to by ambulance recommended the same and he refused. The psychiatrist he was brought to as an outpatient put him on an antipsychotic and he took one and never took another. That was last Monday. Apparently non-compliance with medication isn't grounds for sectioning here.

He has also been medicating with prescription painkillers and mixing a load of stuff together that he's stolen from my room and my Dad's cancer painkillers.

He's been to our general physician several times who recommends that he goes in as well but hasn't signed him in. She saw him last Friday and told my Mum to call the gardai if needed. Total joke. He was screaming at my Mum and shoving her around the hall when we were waiting for them the other night.

When the emergency services come he talks completely normally to them and even says 'sorry X, there's been a misunderstanding here....'. It's as if he saves it for us only. If he has severe mental illness I don't know how he can do that.

He screams all night and we sleep with our bedroom doors locked. He bangs on my door as if he's trying to break it down while screaming calling me every name in the book. He's shoved me on the stairs. I haven't slept properly in 3 weeks and I'm trying to study for exams at college, my own mental health is suffering.

He seems to be on the phone all day screaming at whoever is on the other end of it. He rings various insurance companies and car dealers. He crashed his car the other day so seems to be trying to get another one. It's lucky nobody was seriously injured.

We have an un-used house that our family owns that he may be moving to but he threatens that if we kick him out he'll kill himself. My parents and myself don't know what to do. If he moves out that house may become party central with his friends that are terrible for him and we can't watch him if he moves out but we can't go on like this either.

Apparently he's in a grey area where he's not bad enough to be sectioned but won't sign himself into an inpatient facility. Won't comply with the antipsychotic and remains verbally and physically abusive. We honestly don't know what to do. Can't even call the gardai now either as my Mum doesn't want him to have a record. I can barely function after 3 weeks of this and will potentially screw up an extremely important college exam for my PhD at the end of next week. I don't even feel I can ask for an extension because I already got one because I was having trouble after my Dad's cancer diagnosis.

I stayed over at a friend's house one night last week when I just couldn't take it anymore but I feel like I can't because that leaves essentially my Mum alone with him, my Dad because of his cancer wouldn't be able to fight him off her if necessary. I can't sleep at night with his screaming and pretending to break my door down. I can't sleep with headphones in because then I couldn't hear if he was laying into my Mum downstairs and she needed help.

Anyone ever have a situation like this?

NB he's also putting people outside our home at risk. He crashed his car the other day into another person's.

Dial Hard

Bypass your mum and call the Gardai yourself the next time he kicks off. Shielding him from a potential criminal record is just enabling him even further and he'll figure that out very quickly if he hasn't already. And for the love of God, do NOT allow him to move into that other house.

Penny Tration

Your mum can refuse to call the Gardai, but there's nothing preventing you from calling.

He is breaching the protection order even with just the screaming at you.

Call the Gardai. Call them each time he abuses you, verbally or physically. They'll remove him and you'll be granted a full barring order, which will prevent him from living with you or being around you.

If he doesn't want a criminal conviction, he shouldn't act like a criminal. Call them.

As for the other house - it's your parents choice and it sounds like they've been enabling him for years. Try convince them not to give him access, but prepare yourself because they probably will.

freshpopcorn

Terrible situation to be in. It's very hard to give you advice in my opinion.
Call the Gardai and he does something the blame might be put back on you. It depends on the family tough.
Don't call the Gardai and something else could happen.
I'd really suggest having a very serious chat with your parents about this and really explain your point of view. Ask them how'd they feel if you moved out for a period? Has he being very abusive to your parents do they feel safe with him?
As for college I'd recommend talking to your year head/department head if there approx able.

PressRun

This is a high-risk situation where you seem to be genuinely concerned about the safety of yourself and others. It's time to stop worrying about criminal records. It's gone past that. You need to call the guards the next time he does something threatening and you need to explain to them that something needs to be done because you don't feel safe. You say that he was already arrested under the Mental Health Act, but I think you need get the guards involved again and explain to them what's been happening recently and that you're fearful for the safety of yourself, people in your home and even others outside the home. They may be able to help you with having him involuntarily committed to a psychiatric unit, especially if there have been other situations in which the guards have had to be called to your house and he is known to them for his behaviour. Drugs and alcohol are more than likely having a serious effect on his behaviour too and exacerbating whatever symptoms he already has, so he needs help with cutting this out of his life.

I know mental health services are abysmal in this country and you're probably not getting much help, but I honestly think you need to get the guards properly involved here and make it very clear to them that this can't go on.

I also wouldn't let him anywhere near that other house until he sorts himself out. Sounds to me that a hospital is where he should be, first and foremost.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Most of you have said not to let him into that second house and I agree with that because he'll trash it and we can't supervise him. Him and his friends take a rake of drugs including head shop stuff like ecstasy-type drugs so there could even be a drug death, him or someone else. Combined with alcohol obviously as well and in incompatible combinations. One of his friends died a few years ago during the weekend Green Rolex was going around but that doesn't seem to have scared him sufficiently.


I'm not sure now if there's a mental health issue or he's just a little s**t. It's really strange the way he can switch all this off when the gardai come here to the house or when he's assessed by a psychiatrist. We just can't seem to have him sectioned. The guards have been out 4 times in the past 10 days and twice he's been removed from the premises. The first time he was taken to the hospital and assessed and the doctor there wasn't even aware there was a mental health issue until my Mum told her over the phone and the psych team came down. That's how well he was behaving there, not a hint of anything. The second time he was arrested under the mental health act he was assessed by the guards doctor and he was let out, apparently he behaved beautifully in the station.

Saves it for when he's here. Won't shove a guard around but shoves his shorter Mum and sister around as soon as they leave.

The GP has had him down with them several times as well over the past few weeks. One of those was on a Friday and knowing there would be no mental help support over the weekend she told my Mum to call the guards if he kicks off and we did that. The GP and psychiatrist don't seem to have the balls to file the paperwork to have him sectioned. He refuses to go in voluntarily and ran off from the carpark of John of God's when my parents tried to bring him on the psychiatrist's advice the other day.

I honestly don't know.

pwurple

Read what you have written. Switching it on and off for the gardai... Threatening to kill himself if he doesn't get his way. Crashing cars, stealing and taking drugs.

He's going to kill someone if he doesn't get sorted out. Take your post above, and go and talk to your local community garda. They can help you out here. You need to protect your parents, yourself and the rest of the community he lives in.

Wesser

Hi there


I think this is a extremely tough situation to be in and I think you are coping very well. Fair dues to you it can't be easy.

In terms of being invuntary admitted to a mental hospital.

Under current law you can only be involuntarily admitted to a mental facility if you have a mental disease. This is the nubb of the question. Ie you can only be admitted if you have depression / schizophrenia/ mania and pose risk to yourself or others. Clearly he poses a risk, but is it because he has a mental disorder or schizophrenia, which can of course as we all know arise in the context of cannabis use, or is it because he is engaging in criminal activity or drugs and then it's the legal route. If there are no features of schizophrenia present then he cannot be sectioned. That's what the doctor is looking for when they assess him. Features of psychosis or schizophrenia. They can be subtle sometimes and emerge slowly over time. The doctor has to observe these features . Otherwise your brother could take the doctor to court for illegally sectioning him. It's essentially the " mad or bad" question. Even you said yourself that it's hard to know which one it is......
If he is a risk to himself or others and does not have a mental illness......then it is the guards......

Suggest
Have a look at the mental health act website and inform yourself fully.
Also look up symptoms of psychosis.
Record his behaviour on your phone as evidence.
Protect yourself and your parents.... You guys come first!!

Best of luck. These situations tend to come to a head and then get resolved.

I have known families in exactly the same situation as yourselves and it is extremely tough for everyone involved.
Your brother has a history of Mental Health issues as well as a history of illicit drug use. It's a chicken and egg situation because it is difficult for anyone to say whether his current issues are related to his Mental Health issues or his drug use. This is difficult for the mental health services as well. Understandably they do not want to admit a person who is a drug addict, there are other services for this.
As to what you should do, well as everyone has suggested, please immediately call the Guards when he kicks off. You have to protect yourself, your mum and your dad. Do not worry about his criminal record.
Things can escalate and can get much worse. Record every episode in a diary, every threat or physical abuse. Keep calling the Guards, don't let him near the second house.
Look up the Family Support Network and see if there are any support groups in your area. Talking to others in your situation will help and their experiences will help you also. Whatever you do, do not enable him by putting up with it.

Ursus Horribilis

Would recording even just the audio of his antics help you? I'm sure the screaming etc. carries through the walls of the house. So if you recorded it from a safe place e.g. you room, it'd back up the evidence of what he's really like? At this stage I think you have no choice but to pester the guards and the mental health people each and every time there is an episode. I'd be afraid to just sit around and wait for this to come to a head.

Sound Bite

This is a very difficult situation but you and the rest of your family need to look after yourself.


How many people have been killed in Ireland, by family members, suffering from mental health problems? In most cases the family members provided such amounts of support for that person. I can send you links to the cases I'm talking about if you wish.

Ring the guards every time. Get him out, it's gone past the stage of trying to care of him yourselves, tough love is the only option at this stage.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. Yes its terrible for ye that he does this and the way noone is helping ye. My advice to you is that everytime he kicks off is to call the gardai immediately and have him removed from the house. Keep doing this everytime he kicks off and tell them all what you and your parents have been through and about the way that ye fear for your own safety because of him and he will end up killing one of ye if this behaviour continues. Also sit down and talk to your parents about a safety plan everytime he kicks off. Also video every episode on your mobile phone and write it down in your diary all.his previous episodes including the time he tried to kill himself and crashed the car as this will be very useful as evidence in court and show it to the authorities such as the gardai and your GP. Also ye could contact a solicistor and get a restraining order against him. I know its a horrible situation to be in but its up to you and your parents to get it all nipped in the bud.
Dont worry about your mother saying that he will get a criminal record as he will kill someone if he doesnt stop. Remember to just call 999 everytime he kicks off and to keep calling the gardai everytime he kicks off and tell them.everything that he did and try and press charges against him.
Best of Luck in doing it

freshpopcorn

Will your parents support you OP if you rang the Gardai about him?
Take for instance if he was pushing your mother around and you rang the Gardai and they showed up would you mother admit to it or would she back your brother up and say that nothing happened because if this happened a good few times the Gardai might be slower to respond if ye were in a serious situation.
It's very hard to get somebody committed. NOTE Call the Gardai if you do feel in danger tough.
What I'm basically saying don't our think your parents will back you up or will they defend him?
PS has your parents told you everything. Often parents know something about there child lives now/past and might not tell there other children. They sometimes might feel that it's there fault he turned out like this.

Xaracatz

Hi there

Just to add to the good advice already given - if you are already climbing the walls and you still have to work to get this resolved, definitely ask for an extension for your exam. This is what they are for.

You can say (or not) that there are issues at home following on from your dad being diagnosed. It might give you a bit of breathing space to get this sorted and then you can focus fully on your PhD again.

I wish you the best of luck!

Shelga

Hi OP, could you move into the disused family home yourself until after your exams?

I was in an extremely similar situation myself towards the end of college with my brother, and my parents paid for me to live on campus out of sheer desperation, we couldn't really afford it.

It's so hard to know what to advise, even now I'm not sure what could have been done differently. I just want you to know you're not alone, more of us have experienced this type of thing than I think anyone realises.

I'm sure your brother doesn't want to be this way deep down and is obviously struggling with severe depression and anxiety which manifests as angry violent outbursts. That doesn't help the rest of you though. It does get to the stage where you just have to put yourselves first, especially when the person in question does absolutely nothing to help themselves and ease the burden for their family. I think this was hardest for me- I could handle the monstrous anger if in quieter moments he took responsibility.

I think in this instance I would carry on calling the guards, and get yourself out of there for a few months at least. My brother never got his life in order but he did eventually calm down, maybe this is just a similar particularly bad instance for you. Hugs