Friend phoning all the time

Shanry

Hi

I've recently met a lovely girl through another friend of mine and we get on really well.
My only bug bear is she can ring me up to 10 times a day!!
I work full time and have two small kids to come home to so I really don't have the time to be constantly chatting to her.
When she finishes a call she'll be like 'I'll ring you this evening' after already having numerous calls with her throught out the day.
I find if I don't answer, she'll just keep ringing through out the day. She'll never just send a text.
I'm worn out tbh.
Apart from that shes a real sweetheart.
Any one else been in this situation and how do I get her to politely back off?
She has lots of other friends so it's not like she's lonely

SAMTALK

Shanry wrote: »

Hi

I've recently met a lovely girl through another friend of mine and we get on really well.
My only bug bear is she can ring me up to 10 times a day!!
I work full time and have two small kids to come home to so I really don't have the time to be constantly chatting to her.
When she finishes a call she'll be like 'I'll ring you this evening' after already having numerous calls with her throught out the day.
I find if I don't answer, she'll just keep ringing through out the day. She'll never just send a text.
I'm worn out tbh.
Apart from that shes a real sweetheart.
Any one else been in this situation and how do I get her to politely back off?
She has lots of other friends so it's not like she's lonely

Seems a bit much TBH..

After 1st missed call why dont you send text and say how busy you are and that you'll ring her later when you have kids in bed/hsework done.

Id find this very strange behaviour recent friend or older friend.

12Phase

That's a bit much to put it mildly.

Set her to a silent ringtone.

woodchuck

Well first of all, if she keeps trying to call you in work, just text her something brief to the effect of 'sorry, in work, can't chat'. Hopefully doing that a few times will stop her ringing while you're at work, or if she keeps on at it just be frank with her about it whenever you're chatting on the phone or in person. Any reasonable person would understand that you can't constantly be taking personal calls in work!

Similarly if you're too busy to talk in the evening, just text to say you're up to your eyes with the kids, but that you'll call her the next day.

I think the key here is to try and gradually scale things back a bit, but you do have to be more assertive.

12Phase

I'd be subtle as a brick and just say : stop ringing me 10 times a day!!

eviltwin

That is ridiculous. I wouldn't be on the phone to my husband or best mate 10 times a day let alone someone I've recently met. What can she possibly need to talk to you about that much?

You can put her on silent or ask her to text etc but imo you should tell her straight up that her constant need to talk is over the top and you would appreciate it if she doesn't contact you quite so much. That kind of neediness is a friendship killer and its not natural. If you only know her a short time I'm guessing you haven't invested a huge amount in the friendship so if she doesn't get the message I'd block her completely.

Shanry

Thanks for all the replies, It's nice to know I'm not just being a bitch!
Thats a really good idea of scaling back the calls, my biggest fault is I always phone her back because I feel bad!
I will start with the texts to say I'm busy etc.
My husband doesn't phone me that much!!

SAMTALK

Shanry wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, It's nice to know I'm not just being a bitch!
Thats a really good idea of scaling back the calls, my biggest fault is I always phone her back because I feel bad!
I will start with the texts to say I'm busy etc.
My husband doesn't phone me that much!!

Maybe a "forget to ring back" moment wouldnt do any harm and when she rings next day ignore and text to say sorry will ring later (Again!!)

Unless shes really stupid she should get the message.

Not even with my closest friends would I ring that much

zoobizoo

I call my closest friend one a fortnight... I text a couple of times ....

I call my fiancee once a day if I'm not seeing them that night.


10 times a day is not only excessive, it's bonkers!

What does she have to talk about?

More importantly, what does she want to talk with you about?

You could always just be direct with her and say, "you know what.. 10 calls.. a little much".

Merkin

I met a great girl a few years ago and we got on great in a lot of respects but she was just so so frigging needy it was unbelievable. She was gorgeous and successful but perpetually single and I know it's because she used to do the frantic calling stuff to everyone. I used to just ignore every single call and text back periodically 'up to my eyes so no time to chat, see you Friday, byeeeeee' etc. You either tell her she is being a pain in the hole and you're not in a position to speak to her ten times a day or you just deal with it in a passive aggressive fashion and don't answer her. You definitely need NOT to answer her calls though.

Incidentally, what in the name of God can she have to speak about? What is so pressing?!

neemish

I had a friend like this... in the end, I had to cut off all contact. No matter how many subtle or not so subtle hints I gave, I was still getting numerous calls every day. And these weren't two minute chats, but full blown conversation. With the other person doing all the talking.
I felt really bad but after several years of this, I just had to stop answering all calls. And it still took three months for the other person to stop calling constantly.

Shanry

I've ignored four calls already today and will send a text later saying i''m up to my eyes.
The thing is, she knows herself she's phoning too much cos she says things like 'you must think i'm a stalker!!'
if it was a minute or so I could just about tolerate but they're full blown conversations and if she gets cut off she'll say she'll phone me later....argh!!
My best friend and I speak once a week at a max or an odd text now and again. It's enough for me.

SAMTALK

Shanry wrote: »

I've ignored four calls already today and will send a text later saying i''m up to my eyes.
The thing is, she knows herself she's phoning too much cos she says things like 'you must think i'm a stalker!!'
if it was a minute or so I could just about tolerate but they're full blown conversations and if she gets cut off she'll say she'll phone me later....argh!!
My best friend and I speak once a week at a max or an odd text now and again. It's enough for me.

Time to be blunt I think.
This is head wrecking stuff. Tell her straight out that you dont have time to be on the phone all day and that maybe 1 call a week might be more than enough.

Tell her you dont get to talk to your kids/partner that much and its not fair to be on the phone all the time when you should be spending time with them.

Or just block her number!!!

annoyedgal

Absolutely time to be blunt. Just nicely say your not really a phone person and prefer catching up in person and then arrange a coffee for some stage. Be straight up and say you don't have time to be on the phone everyday or even every otherday. If it doesn't improve I'd be inclined to cut contact, sounds like a nightmare tbh!

Lux23

12Phase wrote: »

I'd be subtle as a brick and just say : stop ringing me 10 times a day!!

I sort of agree with this, but maybe provide some context and say "I am really glad that we have met recently and I know we are going to be really good friends, but I don't really have time to talk on the phone throughout the day and prefer to catch up in person every once in a while".

Salty

Lux23 wrote: »

I sort of agree with this, but maybe provide some context and say "I am really glad that we have met recently and I know we are going to be really good friends, but I don't really have time to talk on the phone throughout the day and prefer to catch up in person every once in a while".

This would probably spare her feelings a bit too, as opposed to being very blunt.

Calypso Realm

I had a very similar (though not quite as intense ) experience with an ex-work (new) colleague a few years ago who appeared to adopt me as her new 'best friend'. I'd given her my number to arrange a lift to something once but after that she took to calling me very frequently during the evenings and weekends. I'd find messages to say she called 'just for a chat' on a Sat morning! She was completely baffled by the fact I had to go out/had things to attend to so wasn't sitting around all weekend. On the occasions when I did speak to her all she wanted to talk about was work (something I wanted to forget at w/ends!) just general rather boring, naive chit-chat about how she liked this person and that. She appeared very curious about everyone and asked numerous questions. Then she'd end it all by saying she'd call tomorrow! In the end I just ignored the calls. I had to as otherwise she's keep talking for hours on end.

I came to the conclusion she was lonely so made a point of asking her to various night-outs here and there but she either cancelled at the last minute or never showed up. When she left other colleagues mentioned she was always ringing them up in the same manner. When she travelled abroad, I discovered she'd been emailing one of our senior managers all the time, recounting all her exploits-a guy she barely knew when employed with us!!

Shanry

Well, just to update, I tried to cut back a bit but she had a bit of a crisis with her child and we're now back to square one with me feeling too bad to ignore her!
Whats worse is I work in the school her son attends, so now I'm getting lots of visits too. while her son is thankfully okay now, I'm still being bombarded.
Today alone, I got a message from her wanting to meet me on my 15 min tea break, when I said no that I didn't have long enough time, she wanted to call in and meet me for my 30 min lunch too. I said I could spare her 15 mins but am really up to my eyes.
I'm so bloody worn out by her.
We share a mutual friend who is lovely and the total oppositte (we were introduced through her), we calll or text a few times a week and it's enough. She does the same to our mutual friend too only she also calls to her house every evening too.

SAMTALK

Shanry wrote: »

Well, just to update, I tried to cut back a bit but she had a bit of a crisis with her child and we're now back to square one with me feeling too bad to ignore her!
Whats worse is I work in the school her son attends, so now I'm getting lots of visits too. while her son is thankfully okay now, I'm still being bombarded.
Today alone, I got a message from her wanting to meet me on my 15 min tea break, when I said no that I didn't have long enough time, she wanted to call in and meet me for my 30 min lunch too. I said I could spare her 15 mins but am really up to my eyes.
I'm so bloody worn out by her.
We share a mutual friend who is lovely and the total oppositte (we were introduced through her), we calll or text a few times a week and it's enough. She does the same to our mutual friend too only she also calls to her house every evening too.

How in the name of God does she expect you to meet her on your tea break??
Surely you cant leave school and she cant enter school at these times?

You need to toughen up and tell her you're too busy to be spending so much time with her. Time to be rude even!!

When she wanted to meed on lunch break after missing the tea break why didnt you tell her you had things to do on that break?

Make enough excuses and she should get the message....if not its time to be blunt

Shanry

SAMTALK wrote: »

How in the name of God does she expect you to meet her on your tea break??
Surely you cant leave school and she cant enter school at these times?

You need to toughen up and tell her you're too busy to be spending so much time with her. Time to be rude even!!

When she wanted to meed on lunch break after missing the tea break why didnt you tell her you had things to do on that break?

Make enough excuses and she should get the message....if not its time to be blunt

I agree, I'm far too soft.
edited to add: I can leave the school on my breaks but she as expecting me to meet her in a cafe for the 15 minutes. By the time I got there and back my 15 minutes would up, even before the coffee

She is just so needy, and theres always a drama!

She also wants me to spend my weekends with her too but soft and all as I am, I have completely drawn the line under that. That time is for my family only. It's hard enough not seeing my kids working full time!!

SAMTALK

Shanry wrote: »

I agree, I'm far too soft.
edited to add: I can leave the school on my breaks but she as expecting me to meet her in a cafe for the 15 minutes. By the time I got there and back my 15 minutes would up, even before the coffee

She is just so needy, and theres always a drama!

She also wants me to spend my weekends with her too but soft and all as I am, I have completely drawn the line under that. That time is for my family only. It's hard enough not seeing my kids working full time!![/QUOTE


You need to drop her TBH..

Has she no other friends to bother (meet) or has she ruined those friendships too?

Life is too short to be taken up with this carry on and when you're working and have a family your time is precious

Shanry

She has our mutual friend who she treats the same but our other friend doesn't seem to mind. Neither of them work so they have all the time in the world. My children anre pre-school age so my time is very limited. And very precious!!
Thanks for the replies

Shanry

Shanry wrote: »

She has our mutual friend who she treats the same but our other friend doesn't seem to mind. Neither of them work so they have all the time in the world. My children anre pre-school age so my time is very limited. And very precious!!

While I think her behaviour is beyond rude and a bit bizarre, if you're not prepared to cut her loose you simply have to point out to her that you DO work and you DO NOT have the time to pander to her the way your friend does.

At this point you're not only enabling her behaviour but, because your mutual friend lets her away with it too, you're normalising it.

Time to put on the big girl pants and tell her straight that you don't have time for these shenanigans. As you say, it's not as if you're the only person she has and your time is precious!

Flippyfloppy

I had a bit of a similar situation before with someone that came into my life. Similar story as yours, and I was being completely bombarded and felt totally suffocated.

In the end I had to take the reins so to speak, I would contact her first and say something like, 'hey so busy this week but wondering if you'd like to meet for a cuppa on [insert day a week and a half away] ' that helped space out the visits and I felt more in control. However this person didn't like me setting boundaries too much and after a few weeks moved on to the next person no doubt....ah well!

Shanry

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I had a bit of a similar situation before with someone that came into my life. Similar story as yours, and I was being completely bombarded and felt totally suffocated.

In the end I had to take the reins so to speak, I would contact her first and say something like, 'hey so busy this week but wondering if you'd like to meet for a cuppa on [insert day a week and a half away] ' that helped space out the visits and I felt more in control. However this person didn't like me setting boundaries too much and after a few weeks moved on to the next person no doubt....ah well!

maybe thats the way to go

Calypso Realm

What did she want to discuss on your morning break? I wouldn't dream of asking someone to give up their break like this. I think sometimes those who don't work have little or no understanding of what's it like for those of us who do. I'd start making excuses in future.

People who suffocate us in this manner very often aren't at all very good at reciprocating when the shoe is on the other foot, so I'm wondering if this new friend is one of them. Another instance springs to mind (another colleague again) who became a real nuisance with her endless questions and requests for things both in our employ and when she left us (she took to calling me at 7.30am looking for something! ) had a habit of becoming suddenly 'unavailable' when the tables were turned! We had to endure her endless moaning about what a terrible day/week she was having in the new place, yet when one of us needed help with a critical situation, she managed to 'disappear' for weeks, resurfacing again when she thought the dust had settled. Needless to say she'd burned her bridges at this point, when she showed her true colours.

zoobizoo

She has obviously got boundary issues.

The problem is, that maybe no one has been blunt with her before and she just doesn't understand this.

If it was a close friend who started doing this, I'd be having words.

If she isn't told, she'll just continue doing it and alienating herself from every new friend she makes

annoyedgal

To be honest unless your willing to say it to her and be pretty honest and blunt then it's not going to change. She may not change her behaviour anyway but you can change yours.

Meet her for coffee , explain visit's during work hours are not an option. Tell her your happy to meet every other week and phone x amount of times. Then stick to it and if it doesn't change end the friendship.

She sounds like a drain to be honest. What are you getting from this friendship? Don't mean to sound harsh but it's time to do something about it or put up with it. Choice is yours!

woodchuck

OP you've tried the indirect approach and it hasn't worked. She's obviously not taking the hint, so you need to be more direct. I think you just need to be brutally honest with her. You can be nice about it, but just make sure you're clear that you cannot chat and meet up as often as she wants.

JustAThought

She's obviously enjoying your company & talking to/at you - but is probably isolated & mostly alone so you are her only outlet. I'd go with the straight up but nice direction - say you can't take personal calls at work or leave for break as it causes time issues & is against new company policy & that you have to share yourself around between other ( imaginary perhaps) friends , spouse & siblings/parents/childrens calls & needs - let alone housework & hobbies & can't be spending so much time talking every day as yiu are getting complaints from the rest of your commitments! that should clear you from 9-5 each day & give you some space! She sounds like a bit of a puppy/teenager still in the head - but is she nice or needy & self obsessed or just lonely? It would be kind to find a way to get her thinking of how to lead her to or introduce her to other sports/classes /clubs/groups /charities that might distract her & take her attentions away from you -without making her feel like a friendless freak or needy drain. Maybe there is a local committee or school organising event that might distract her & keep her engaged that she has 'just the right skills or energy for' - it will let her meet more people so there is less attention put in you & more for her to share with other people! Where are you living?!! Is it a small village & she has just moved in?? Madness!!!