Under pressure become a parents

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

My doc diagnosed me with PCOS and in my mind I resigned to the fact I wouldn't be able to have children. I was upset by having this complaint but I never really gave having children a thought in the past but as the biological chock is ticking people are starting to ask are we going to start trying to have children etc. my mother being the worst culprit "you will regret this" etc.

From somebody who never gave children a thought I now find myself daydreaming about what if and will I regret not seeking further medical attention etc.

My partner doesn't want children because he feels we are pushing on (37!). I find this is now putting a strain on our relationship because I am questioning his selfishness!!

We don't use protection so if it was going to happen it would, eh?

My head is in a tail spin!

SarahMollie

I think getting news of a medical condition can put anyones head in a spin. I think the level of interest you showed in having children before you got the PCOS news is probably your real level of interest.

At 37, I think you would be already activly trying if you really wanted children, as PCOS aside, time is no longer on your side.

No harm in sitting down with your partner and talking out your options though.

As far as I know, PCOS doesnt mean you absolutely can't have children, but it would be hard to convince naturally. If you decide you do want to have children, you'd need to act quickly and be very proactive.

silverharp

silenceisgolden wrote: »

From somebody who never gave children a thought I now find myself daydreaming about what if and will I regret not seeking further medical attention etc.

don't you need to anyway, just from a quick google is it not something that has to be treated/managed to avoid other problems?


Has your partner always been against kids ie before you found out your medical issue? either way it seems harsh to describe him as selfish if he was upfront about it

CaraMay

He doesn't want children and he doesn't want to use contraception? Does he know how people get pregnant?

Why do you think he's selfish? You both wanted the same thing until recently

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. Yes it is a personal decision against couples which is do they want children or not and yes it is their own decision whether they want to have a family or not. I believe its very ignorant of people to keeping asking that question as its a very personal one. Youre still only 37 so theres still plenty of time to have children as nowadays a lot of people dont start a family until well into their 30s or even 40s in some cases as Pamela Flood didnt become a mother until 39 so my advice to you would be to sit down and talk things through with your partner and if he sticks to his decision then its ok not everyone has children these days either. Maybe you take up a hobby or get a pet instead and just focus on yourselves and you never know he might change his mind and if thats the case its best to start trying straight away for a baby. There is even a fertility diet that you can go on just look it up online and go on it as it will help to increase your chances of getting pregnant.
Best of luck either way

irishgirl19

PCOS doesn't mean you can't have children OP. When we decided we wanted a baby I concieved in 2-3 months. Your doctor will do up a plan with you if this is what you want.
You have to think though. Taking the PCOS out of it would you still have wanted kids?

ChillyAngel

Would your other half be saying he doesn't want kids to take any pressure off you with your diagnosis?

Have a chat with him and tell him how you feel and then seek medical assistance. So much helps and drugs out there for people with PCOS now. My friend has it and she's got two lovely boys.

LegacyUser

I think before you say anything to anybody, or make any medical or life decisions, or do anything at all, you need to decide what *you* want and then get on the same page as your partner or go your separate ways. You've decided you can't have kids because of a medical condition that needn't stop you, you're not using protection in spite of one of you not wanting kids, you were ok with him not wanting kids until someone else got into your head or you weren't ok with it but went along anyway. What a mess, a terrible approach to such an important issue.

You need to have a long, hard talk with yourself first. Ignore your mother, it's not her decision and she should have no input apart from what you ask her for. When you know what you want, the next stage is to have the same talk with your partner and be prepared for the possibility that it might be the end of the road for you, there's really no way to compromise one partner wanting kids and the other not wanting them if you are in two different places. When you have the outcome of that process, you can look ahead at the other issues, but until then you have nothing to go on.

Big Bag of Chips

Where is the pressure coming from that you talk about? From yourself? Your condition? Or others? I'd imagine it's a combination of all three. But I do think calling your partner selfish for not wanting children is a bit harsh when children were never really on the agenda to begin with. If he really really wanted children that badly he would have left you and had a relationship with someone where children were more likely.

I think this is new to you both and I think it needs proper discussion. As mentioned your partner might be saying he doesn't want children because all along you've believed you can't have them? Maybe rather than being selfish he is being very selfless and considering you above himself? You can't know until you are 100% honest with him, and yourself about where you really stand on the issue. Now, there is every chance that he really doesn't want children. If that's the case, and you decide you really genuinely do (you, not your mother, or the neighbours!) then you need to consider where to go next? Stay and definitely don't have children? Go and give yourself the chance of meeting someone else and having a family with them?

Either way you need to figure out what you want. If you want children and you don't have an open and honest chat with your partner then you risk waiting around for him to change his mind. And that might never happen. Communication is the key here. If you don't want children, tell people that when they say anything.

Sapphire

PCOS can hinder conception, but it does not automatically render you infertile. You are not using contraception so is he under the impression that you are infertile? Chances are he may not know an awful lot about this condition so is trusting what you tell him about it. I think it's fair to tell him that there is still a risk of pregnancy and talk about it. I think that by being passive about it, you are trying to let nature take the decision out of your hands, but that's not fair on him, unless he also is fully aware and in agreement.

It's like this. If you want children, you and he can probably make this happen. Doctors can help so you need to both figure out would this information change things for you? Ask him.

Pressure from people is common. We all get it. I'm sure your mother is coming from a well-meaning point of view when she's urging you to try for a baby but you are the one who will be rearing it. Not her. Make the decision to have a family based on what you and your husband wants. Not based on what you should do, or what your family want. Just you and him.

Vixen24

I have PCOS and am pregnant, 36 years old, no medical intervention, what worked for me was changing my lifestyle, exercise and better diet. Refined carbs and sugar are your enemy when you have PCOS, so no it doesn't render you infertile and I know a girl who wasnt using protection, with PCOS, who got pregnant unexpectedly.

I will say,you and your partner need to be on the same page on this ,it is not one of those "lets agree to disagree" issues. If you got pregnant, would he feel you trapped him ie he believed you to be infertile? If he doesnt want kids would he be willing to wear a condom? Are you actually willing to not have kids just to keep him even if you decide you really want them?

Having kids is a huge deal, I don't understand people who would have them to appease outsiders, ie your mam, let people make comments and gossip, they wont be up with you every night at 4am when the child is screaming. Having a kid with someone who doesn't really want one is infinitely harder again. You might consider a clear decision on this issue sooner rather than leter and i would advise taking a look at managing your pcos regardless of any decision, doctors wont talk to you about lifestyle changes they generally just dole out the pills, but lifestyle can really help or hinder improving the condition. Best of Luck