relationship breakup

LegacyUser

I know there are a lot of threads about this topic already.

My boyfriend of 2 and half years broke up with me earlier.
I'm not able to discuss issues and stuff when they happen, I process things after and over analyse things. I brought something up on Sunday evening in bed and he said he was tired and just sick of it, I was upset that night and left monday morn without speaking to him, I couldn't face things and was too upset.
I rang him this evening, He said he felt this coming for a while but I don't understand any of this as just 2 weeks ago he said he felt lucky with me and we were happy.
I don't know how to deal with this, I feel terrible, I feel a complete failure, if I hadn't tried to discuss things too late on sunday night then this would not have happened. I'm so sad.

LegacyUser

Presumably there's a lot of back story missing here, but if all that's happened is you brought something up that he didn't want to talk about right at that moment, then you didn't want to talk about it the following morning and he turned that into a breakup, then you're not at fault. I suspect though that this may be a demonstration of your communication dynamic and you bring things up again when he thinks the issue has already been resolved. If that's the case, then I can see reason for his frustration. That said, your thought processes and the fact that you need some time before you're ready to talk about something is part of you and you're entitled to that process and entitled to have him talk to you when you're ready for the conversation.

If he'll talk to you, maybe you could both admit to the things you've done differently in your communication styles which brought you to conflict, see the problem it's created for you and see if you can agree a better process. It would be worth going to counselling together to support that effort.

If he won't talk to you, maybe consider some counselling yourself, it'll help you understand your style of dealing with communication and conflict issues and it should help you to be ready for a different and hopefully better dynamic when it comes along.

Lavinia

Hi sadgirl44, sorry to hear for your troubles..
As I do not know much about you and your bf and relationship but what little you wrote, I can only comment on that...
So you say "if only I did this"...
It stroke me as you are blaming yourself for everything that went bad even for you "talking late".
Perhaps be a little less harsh on yourself Perhaps you did as you could at the moment.
Perhaps you can try and talk with him once again?
if he would give up on something that you described as good only 2 weeks ago, then perhaps it was not so good for him (I know this may sound harsh), otherwise he would be fighting for it or tried to overcome this. Maybe he will?
Wish you all the best anyways...

Sapphire

It probably would have happened eventually. Usually there are lots of little reasons why someone decides a break up is for the best. He likely meant it when he said he was feeling it for a while.

Your conflict resolution is something you can work on for the future. It's fine to have a delayed discussion, but only if the other person knows that's your style. If they know you like to go off and mull things over and come back to it with your input then conversations would go a lot more smoothly.

Having said that, bringing up something on a Sunday night in bed from earlier out of the blue is bound to be frustrating for the other person. That's unfortunate timing, and maybe something you need to consider for future chats.

KikiDee

Hey OP,

Sorry for what you're going through. It isn't easy at all.

There's a couple of things I picked up on in your post, first off, he said he felt this coming with a while. Sapphire is 100% right, it's usually lots of little reasons why people decide to break up. Perhaps Sunday night was just the last little thing that he could take.

Secondly, this literally just happened when you posted so of course, you're gonna be all over the place and can't get your head around things. It'll probably be a few weeks down the line before you can get your head around things.

Just focus on yourself for the moment and you moving on from this. And perhaps use this as a lesson going forward. Relationships require communication, as difficult as it may be.

Ursus Horribilis

This smacks of "the straw that broke the camel's back". The other night just brought a simmering problem to a head. If it hadn't happened this time, it could've been the next day or the next week. I'm not sure you're fully aware of how draining your behaviour can be. Even the way you dealt with this points to the difficulties you have. Having a partner who shuts down when problems arise is bad enough but to then have them analyse it to death... I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to see a therapist (perhaps for CBT) and try to sort this issue.