Not sure if I can handle a relationship?

LegacyUser

hi..i have been dating a girl for the last few months..she is attractive, sexy and fun..we have gone out many times, slept together etc..
I battle anxiety and ocd and 6months is the longest relationship I have had..
I would love a girlfriend but find relationships tough emotionally…
More recently I opened up to her about my anxiety and ocd and she took it quite well..she then asked what I thought about marriage and kids..i said they weren’t even on my radar..i was just looking for a girlfriend..
I take meds for my ocd and anxiety, which unfortunately do affect my performance and libido a bit and she questioned me about this..
She says she knows by my texts that I am backing off a bit etc..
She texts every day and every night at bedtime whereas I am used to taking things more slowly and going with the flow…
the talk of our special connection, how amazing I am etc are all flattering but kinda scary too..
Basically I am feeling a bit under pressure & am often quite tired..
I am worried I will never be able for a relationship..
In new situations like this, my ocd and anxiety up their game a lot, which makes it tougher..

The easiest thing is to go back to my single life, sport, family and friends..

What do you guys think?

LegacyUser

I have no practical advice to offer, but I think so far she sounds great and I really hope you find a way to allow yourself to continue a relationship with someone so supportive and understanding.

LegacyUser

Hi... Thanks for the reply..
I think this girl is kinda ready for 'the relationship' leading to marriage & kids...
There has been lots of talk of an incredible connection between us.. The timing being right...
She said that if, in a few months, someone she dates is not interested in marriage & kids, she'll find someone else..

As i said i would love a girlfriend..
Up until now.. I was doing quite well in work & life in general. & while this is very exciting.. It has really rocked me..
My ocd & anxiety has gone thru the roof & the more interested & intense she becomes the more my ocd & anxiety increases..
I am aware of this & do get help via cbt, family, friebds & meds.. But its still very tough..

I cannot really look beyond the summer, let alone a future with marriage & kids...

pookie82

nevabeeninluv wrote: »

The easiest thing is to go back to my single life, sport, family and friends..

Well, yes. That's always the easiest option. Relationships aren't all roses, they involve compromise, communication and sometimes sacrifice. But the good ones are worth it.

After reading your second reply there I'd be concerned about this girl being for you, though. Her statement about writing anyone off if they're not up for marriage/kids a few months in is bizarre. Shows she's looking for someone to start a family with, not just "someone".

If you do decide to get into a relationship and all that that brings, I'd do it with someone who wants you and it for what it is at face value. Not someone who's pushing for marriage after a few months fgs.

She's forthright, I'll give her that. And it's good she's being clear about what she wants. But I think you're nowhere near the page she's on, so I'd tell her that, and I think the decision will then be made for you, to be honest.

Definitely don't lie and say you're ready for either of those things if you're not (and it dosen't sound like you are, not remotely).

KikiDee

+1 to pookie's post OP.

This girl seems to know what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it. More power to her. But if what she wants is making you feel like this, then I think it's time for you to bow out and wait until you're ready. You can't rush yourself because she's a great girl. If someone is for you, they'll happily go at your pace.

LegacyUser

thank you...
She knows what she wants & i wouldn't like to stand in her way..
I think she didn't mean to bring up the topics of marriage and kids,..but just got lost in the moment & said she was annoyed with herself for a couple of days after..
Another issue is in the bedroom...as I take meds, which slow down my performance and this causes me anxiety...she thought @ one point i didn't want to sleep with her...I was just feeling anxious and not used to the full-on physical relationship..
Condoms + meds are difficult for me; but i fully accept this... she is not on the pill..so i will not take any chances...

Ocd wise...i get obsessive thoughts about what if i did x? am i attracted to x? Since i met this girl my gay thoughts and worries have gone through the roof...
Is he attractive? Then I can feel down, sad and the more intense the relationship get the stronger the ocd becomes...
I am aware of this and do have help and support...but it is still really tough...

I have enjoyed spending time with her...but find long days and staying the night tough...i can't really sleep and do get a bit anxious about the physical side of things.. don't get me wrong; i love the hugging, kissing etc and have been starved of it for a long time...

I hope this explains where I am coming from...

LegacyUser

I meant to add..she is in her mid-30's and I explained marriage and kids are not on my radar..
She said she would go with the flow for me...

But i am not sure she said this just to keep me happy..

ellie1

In this case, sit down with her again and explain very clearly what you want. Tell her you like her but at this time you have no interest in marriage/kids and don't know when you ever will. Explain to her very clearly your own issues and your own difficulties in relationships. And let her go/continue from there depending on if she wants to continue etc

On a side note, she is mid thirties , friends may be settling down having kids etc.. She may really really like like you and then inevitably... She may be romantic and start envisaging you in her future...when a woman can imagine you as a father of her children although a bit intense/over the top etc, maybe it's a good sense of how she views you as a man!!!

However if it's all too much/too complicated and not worth the effort then of course just end it and go back to what your more comfortable with..

batmanrobin

I'd second what ellie1 said. Really make sure she understands you're not ready for kids and marriage and might not be for a few years. Be very clear with her on this, because she might like you so much she might convince herself you'll change your mind given time.

Honestly, OP, if you're really stressing out in this relationship, it might be no harm to end it and find someone who's more on the same page as you.

CloudCumulus

I agree with batmanrobin here. You want the affection of being in a relationship so you'll stay with her, she sees you staying as agreeing to marriage and children, because thats what she said she wanted. So there will be only hurt and bitterness down the line, given that in her mid 30s now, she probably wants this to happen in the next year or two.
In my opinion people should be together a goid few years before thinking about those things, not seeing themselves as ticking clocks.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies...
I appreciate the feedback...it is a shame that this mariage and kids stuff came up so early...

To be honest, i have no desire to have kids as looking aftee myself is already plenty of work...
The ocd stuff & anxiety make it hard, but also it is a sign that i like this girl...

Often i am so wrapped up in battling intrusive thoughts and or anxiety that i find it hard to know how i feel about a girl..
I have never treated a girl so well & beensuch a gentleman.. I have really tried to let go & feel love / fall in love but it has been quite stressful & tiring...

I have also really enjoyed some of my time with her.....

LegacyUser

I hope you are having a nice weekend..
a few days ago...the girl i am dating said she was getting confused by my replies to her...she says she misses and looks forward to seeing me and i only do this sometimes..
I said i understood her frustration, but i am battling my anxiety on a daily basis and find it hard to be in the moment..
She has been kind and understanding,,,
But i don't know how long she will continue to let things go so slowly,,,

I wish i could jump feet first into a relationship, fall in love but i find it really hard..
Unless it is a relaxed, go with the flow relationship...

silverbolt

nevabeeninluv wrote: »

I meant to add..she is in her mid-30's and I explained marriage and kids are not on my radar..
She said she would go with the flow for me...

But i am not sure she said this just to keep me happy..

If shes as forthright as you say then i doubt she wuld have said that.

OP it doesnt have to be one way or no way. Relationships are about give, take and compromise. Just because you dont want it now does not mean you dont want it later.

Your anxiety is going to throw a lot of barriers you way. If you want to be single then thats up to you, but i would advise against ending a good relationship it until your sure thats what you want.

Talk to her, explain to her how your feeling and go from there.

Frogscotch

Intrusive thoughts and "what ifs" can be utterly crippling. If you tell her exactly what you need and she doesn't run off screaming then she's a keeper. Even if that is a week or two of no contact to try and get your head under control.

If after that the thought of resuming the relationship is too stressful then let her go. Or go forward with very clear expectations of what you need to avoid triggering obsessive thoughts. Either way congratulate yourself on being able to find a nice girl and on being strong enough to make a decision one way or the other. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies..
Things have improved a bit..
We met up yesterday & went for a walk and a chat..
She was really relaxed and great company,,,
I opened up about my battles a bit more and explained how some days...i am literally just getting through the day...she was really nice about it..
I am going away with her for the weekend...I am quite nervous about it...
But think i will just go for it & try and be myself and enjoy it...
I am a bit worried about the physical side of things and my 'performance' but I am going to try and just go with the flow...I am trying to get to know her and be comfortable around her....then however it works out i will have no regrets,,,

Thanks for the advice..