What age 'should/would' you look to start a family?

Flex

I was out at a 30th over the weekend and something occurred to me. Brief background. Im 31 myself and the vast majority of my friends would be 28-32 as well.

While I was at the party, I considered something that's been on my mind a bit recently; how old is 'too old' to start a family? From growing up looking at my parents, aunts and uncles and friends parents, etc. I grew up with this concept that you

• get married in your mid 20's
• get your first house around that point
• have 1 or 2 children by your late 20's

That's certainly how my parents went (married at 25, house at 26, first child at 27 and the third by 32).

I always envisioned myself getting married and having a family of my own at some stage and its an idea I like, as would most of my friends I spoke to. However, (coming back to the party), I took a simple headcount there (and refered to whatsapp where we're all in a shared group chat) and of the 19 of us (mostly men, but a few women, 28-32, all of us working) the break down was as follows

• 13 single
• 4 in relationships
• 2 engaged

And of the 19

• 11 renting and sharing
• 3 have a mortgage
• 5 living at home

Most of us still like going out on the weekend, meeting new people, etc. and in my own case, my living arrangements, work and study have only just started to settle down in recent months and while I do want to get married and have a family at some stage, its nowhere on my radar just yet; Im enjoying being single and the idea of a serious long term relationship (while not something Im avoiding if the right thing came along) isn't something I find terribly appealing right now, and beyond that, Ive just moved into a new home and have all of the financial pressure that brings, so having children is definitely not something I believe I could afford in the foreseeable future

Yet I still have this concern in my head that Im 31 now and amnt even in the early stages of a relationship. Discussing this with friends the responses that came back were that '30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30', more and more people study into their mid-20's nowadays and then take time out to go travelling, the recession delayed people in finding stable careers and leaving home, etc.

I wanted to ask the opinions of people here; what age would you consider as being getting a bit late (for want of a better phrase) for starting a family? I know the obvious answers are when youre ready, when you meet the right person or when you feel its right, but in terms of putting an age on it. As said, its just something that since turning 31 I cant seem to get out of my head, and wanted to ask a different group to my friends their opinion

Thanks

BoJack Horseman

conception is aided by youth.

The younger, the better chance of conceiving & carrying to term successfully.

I think 31 is the average age for having a child in Ireland (open to correction)

IMO, if you are pushing 40, it's getting late.

eviltwin

It's an unanswerable question OP because it's different for everyone, everyone's circumstances are different. The old way of doing things, marriage, house, children, is no longer practical for a lot of people and its no longer what a lot of people want now they have other choices. Few people are in a position to buy a home in their mid twenties or have yet to meet the person they would want to have a family with or would start a family even if they had. Comparing yourself to your parents generation is like comparing chalk and cheese. Take a look at those people again and ask yourself are they happy? Surely that's the goal in life not to meet some arbitrary targets by a certain age.

The average man who got married last year was 35, the average woman was 33.
http://www.cso.ie/en/releasesandpublications/er/mcp/marriagesandcivilpartnerships2015/

The average age of a first time mother is 30.5
http://www.cso.ie/en/newsandevents/pressreleases/2015pressreleases/pressreleasebirthsdeathsandmarriagesin2014/

Broadly - if you are thinking this way you are ready to settle down.

athtrasna

It's also worth looking into the medical reasons for having children earlier. Age is a factor for mother and baby but you'd have to talk to your doctor/do your own research as medical advice is not permitted on here.

Flex

Regards conception/age for being pregnant, I have heard before that up to your (well, for women, I don't know what the story is with men, I had heard once men peak in their late teens ) early 30s there isn't much difference to your 20's, but after 35 its supposed to become progressively more difficult to become pregnant and it accelerates quickly. That's not something Ive read anywhere 'reputable' tho, just from conversations.

Seems odd the birth and marriage age pg633 posted confirms my personal experiences tho; a great many people seem to be waiting til into their 30's to do those things, seems a big swing from a generation ago (again, only from my own experiences tho, of course)

eviltwin wrote: »

It's an unanswerable question OP because it's different for everyone, everyone's circumstances are different. The old way of doing things, marriage, house, children, is no longer practical for a lot of people and its no longer what a lot of people want now they have other choices. Few people are in a position to buy a home in their mid twenties or have yet to meet the person they would want to have a family with or would start a family even if they had. Comparing yourself to your parents generation is like comparing chalk and cheese. Take a look at those people again and ask yourself are they happy? Surely that's the goal in life not to meet some arbitrary targets by a certain age.

I meant to add, I think that's an interesting point too, while I know loads of married couples who are happily married, a lot, including my parents and few aunts/uncles, friends experiences, are either divorced, separated or married but seem unhappy but just stay married.. Ive often wondered if it was because they got married at what Id consider a young age. Can only imagine how vastly different the last few years of my life would've been if Id got married years ago. The same goes for everyone obviously, but I think of the holidays I went on, nights out Ive had, freedom I wouldn't necessarily have had, and as is I still feel like Ive loads left to experience like that as my study, work, finances, etc. are only settling down now (and I say that as someone who actually wants to settle down and have a family at some point, same goes for a lot of people I know)

JustTheOne

I think women loose about 90% of their eggs by the time their 30.

LegacyUser

Am 33 with baby no.2 recently arrived.No.1arrived at 31.Most of my friends are similar.They were married around 30ish.But not all.

There are many reasons to have a family younger.I'm not saying its the only way.30 may be the new 40 according to the media, but believe me, that means feck all when you're trying to muster up the energy to deal with small children aged 42 vs aged 32.Even now, I can see why having them in your twenties makes sense, you just have more energy aside from anything else!!That said, if you do that, you generally sacrifice education/job, so there's no solution.

Also I'm hoping to start getting my life back sometime in my 40s :-)

Having said that, there's no 'right' way.Some of my friends just didnt meet anyone til their 30s.Some had trouble conceiving.Some married and had nowhere to live or their jobs took a bg hit in the recession, so that was their focus for the first few years.There's no formula to live life by OP.It's hard when everyone around you is moving through stages of their lives, but now, more than ever you don't really know what's going on in people's lives, so try not to measure yourself against others or our parents generation.It's a different time, same as it was a different time for them vs their parents.

LegacyUser

I'd imagine it probably varies from group to group. I did the same just picked one whatsapp group that has most of my group of friends from school/college and mix of lads and girls. Age group would be similar say 29 - 33. There are 16 in the group including myself.

8 married
5 long term relationships (most of which will end up getimg engaged married over the next few years I would think)
3 single

As for living:

6 mortgages
8 renting/sharing (though that should decrease over the next while as I and one or two others are looking at buying)
3 living at home.

Now the only think I would say that probably skews my figures a bit is that some of the people married are married within the group of friends so in the figures above there are one or two couples married to each other.

So a very different picture to yours.

SarahMollie

Flex wrote: »

Discussing this with friends the responses that came back were that '30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30', more and more people study into their mid-20's nowadays and then take time out to go travelling, the recession delayed people in finding stable careers and leaving home, etc.

This actually really annoys me.

I'll start out by saying that since I don't want children, its not really the biggest concern for me, but there definitely is an air of delayed adolescence in this generation when compared to out parents.

Out of my BFs school friends (10 guys, ages 31-32)

2 Married (both also have babies)
4 Engaged (3 of these will be married by the end of summer this year)
4 Cohabiting

My Group of friends (29-30)

0 Married
3 Engaged
3 Cohabiting
2 Single

I know that even some of my single friends want children, but not without having a proper relationship first. But realistically, they're going to need to get a move on.

Yes, we live longer, but out fertility hasnt been extended massively. Medically, a woman over 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy, and that in itself increases the risks of having a baby with certain medical conditions such as Downs syndrome etc.

People think that because Halle Berry has a baby in her mid 40's that they'll be grand to leave it late also. Its part of this whole 'you can have it all' myth that we've all been sold.


Then they'll want the HSE to step in any cover IVF when their difficulties are purely due to leaving it too late. (Just to clarify, I've no issue with taxpayer funding IVF for people who have tried for years when it should have been possible and just never succeeded.)


I think its seen as "naggy" or "trying to tie a guy down" to want to be married and pregnant before 30 these days. This needs to change as our biology and lifestlyes seem to be out of sync.

silverharp

there must be a generation difference, most people I knew were married and have their first kid around 30 back in 2000 ish . All the weddings I ever went to happened in about a 3 year span. But honestly if you leave it beyond early 30's you are taking risks with miscarriages.

pkvader

I was 31 and my wife 27 when we got married in 2011,had our first child the following year,had our 2nd child last year.The time was just right as we had been going out with each other for years previous.Most of our friends got married and had kids in and around the same time period.We both still have close friends that are approaching their mid 30s that are single and no kids,they don't seem to be to put out.

CiniO

My parents were 30 y.o. when I was born.
This seemed very late for me when I was young, as many other kids at school would have much younger parents. My parents seemed a bit old in my eyes and f.e. when I was 10 they were 40 and they were not really interested in some thing sother parents did who were in their early 30s and had kids the same age as me.

I personally started living together with my girlfriend at the age of 22, we got maried at 25 and had first kid at 26. We didn't get our own house until we were 30, but that's because we wanted to get it without mortgage.

When we got married and had a first child we were kinda first from our circle of friends which I found strange. Many people followed soon enough though.

I work with families sometimes currently, and its sad to see 10 year old children with their parent in late 40 or even in their 50.
Those people could easily be their grandparents.

Funny thing is those people ate usually quite welthy , driving fancy cars and spending big money. You can see they have put on career when they were younger and only decided to have kidsaftrr they are settled financially.
IMO that's very wrong.
And it will be sad for those kids when they will be in their mid 20s and their parents be in late 60s

CiniO

CiniO wrote: »

My parents were 30 y.o. when I was born.
This seemed very late for me when I was young, as many other kids at school would have much younger parents. My parents seemed a bit old in my eyes and f.e. when I was 10 they were 40 and they were not really interested in some thing sother parents did who were in their early 30s and had kids the same age as me.

I personally started living together with my girlfriend at the age of 22, we got maried at 25 and had first kid at 26. We didn't get our own house until we were 30, but that's because we wanted to get it without mortgage.

When we got married and had a first child we were kinda first from our circle of friends which I found strange. Many people followed soon enough though.

I work with families sometimes currently, and its sad to see 10 year old children with their parent in late 40 or even in their 50.
Those people could easily be their grandparents.

Funny thing is those people ate usually quite welthy , driving fancy cars and spending big money. You can see they have put on career when they were younger and only decided to have kidsaftrr they are settled financially.
IMO that's very wrong.
And it will be sad for those kids when they will be in their mid 20s and their parents be in late 60s

Those parents seem to be aging faster than their children.
You are an exception.
Year Age of Mother Within Marriage Outside Marriage
1980 28.8 29.2 22.2
1981 28.9 29.3 22.1
1982 29.0 29.5 22.2
1983 29.1 29.6 22.3
1984 29.1 29.6 22.7
1985 29.3 29.8 22.9
1986 29.3 30.0 23.1
1987 29.4 30.2 23.3
1988 29.5 30.3 23.4
1989 29.6 30.5 23.5
1990 29.6 30.6 23.6
1991 29.6 30.8 23.7
1992 29.7 31.0 23.9
1993 29.8 31.2 24.2
1994 29.9 31.4 24.4
1995 30.0 31.6 24.6
1996 30.0 31.8 24.7
1997 30.1 0.0 0.0
1998 30.1 32.2 25.0
1999 30.1 32.3 25.2
2000 30.2 0.0 0.0
2001 30.3 0.0 0.0
2002 30.4 32.4 26.2
2003 30.6 32.5 26.5
2004 30.8 32.7 26.8
2005 31.0 32.9 27.0
2006 31.1 33.0 27.2
2007 31.1 32.9 27.4
2008 31.2 33.0 27.6
2009 31.3 33.1 27.8
2010 31.5 33.2 28.2
2011 31.8 33.4 28.6
2012 32.0 33.6 28.9
2013 32.2 33.8 29.2
2014 32.3 34.0 29.4

Neyite

Mod:

I'm closing this because its not a Personal Issue.