One year relationship - conversation difficulties

Chrysmari

Tried posting anonymously but even after turning off everything that I thought could act as a VPN it still mislocated my IP address.

I'm not sure what advice I'm actually looking for. I've been dating this man for about a year. I'll start by saying he's lovely. He's kind, interesting, funny, patient. A genuine good guy with a tendency to get stressed out/anxious sometimes. Due to work commitments/distance we don't see each other that often (once/twice a week at most normally.) We do communicate every day. I tend to prefer text and he prefers talking over the phone.

This is where I've begun to have more of a problem. Every conversation it's the same. We'll barely say hello and he'll be off talking in detail about his day or whatever he's done since I last saw him. I'll listen, make comments, ask questions. Then he'll ask me something, like how was my day, I'll reply and his response will universally be to bring it immediately back to himself. He might sometimes ask a second question later in the conversation but his response to my response will always be about him.

I decided part of the problem was that I wasn't being proactive enough in directing the conversation, so recently I've tried to change that. I tried to have a conversation about an interesting activity I'd done. It wasn't a topic he'd have been that familiar with but it was something I was really into and keen to discuss for five or ten minutes. I was hoping he'd make a comment or ask a few questions. Instead, each time I tried to talk about it, he started talking about something vaguely related that he himself had done but that effectively changed the topic. Three times I tried to bring the topic back around and three times he started talking about something unrelated but as a response to what I was saying.

To give you an idea what I mean, say I'd gone to a baking class. He might first respond by talking about how he used to cook in college. I'd acknowledge that and return to what I'd been talking about, he'd then respond by talking about how he had been thinking about having people over and cooking Indian food. I'd bring it back around again and he'd respond with something even less relevant.

Conversations in person are definitely better but there is still that strong tendency with him to bring a topic immediately back to himself. I've watched him in conversation with other people too. Sometimes it's fine and sometimes, where a response to a story or anecdote would be appropriate, he instead interjects immediately with an experience of his own.

If something stressful happens, he'll be really keen to talk to me about it but I'm starting to feel as though I'm being talked at rather than to. He might talk solidly for ten or fifteen minutes, barely requiring a reply. I get that when people are stressed they sometimes need that but a lot of the time he'll just be retelling his days activities. He'll also forget things he's told me before. I know we all do this to a certain extent but it sometimes seems excessive. For example, let's say I'd started swimming lessons. Each time I mentioned swimming, he'd say "oh, I used to swim in secondary. I have to start swimming again, I used to be very good at it." And he'll say it every single time swimming is mentioned. Over weeks and months. Bear in mind we're both in our thirties so secondary school was a long time ago.

I don't mind mundane conversation, I just feel a lot of the time it isn't a proper conversation. I also don't feel I'm achieving the same ability to confide in him about life or work stuff. And, given we work in very different areas, I suspect his response would be like the above, to redirect, and I wouldn't get the satisfaction of feeling like I'd talked something out.

I don't have a lot of relationship experience, so I guess what I'm trying to work out is if this is normal enough and I'm reading too much into it or if it's something I can put up with/work around (by ignoring it/taking a more proactive approach in conversation). Or does it suggest a fundamental incompatibility? I've always been better at listening than talking but even for me the balance in our conversation is off.

Mr. Incognito

Everyone, EVERYONE is mainly too wrapped up in their own lives to notice.

I used to do this and a good friend sat me down and said I had a tendancy to do this and I began to police myself.

It's about broaching it at a good time not in the middle of a fight and do it in a loving way as I'd say they dont even notice they are doing it.

ElleEm

Maybe I am being overly harsh here but I don't know how you have stayed with him so long if something as basic as conversation is difficult. You have been very polite so far! Can you maybe bring it up in a lighthearted way next time he does it? If he changes the subject back to him say "oh, is my time up?" or "I must be mad boring, you often do that". Maybe he needs to be made notice it. After a year, you should certainly be able to feel a closeness with him where you can share things. I can't imagine how you could explain family issues or work concerns without being et with a bigger/ better story about his family/ work.

sparkledrum

This would drive me crazy. You must be a very patient person!!

Chrysmari

ElleEm wrote: »

Maybe I am being overly harsh here but I don't know how you have stayed with him so long if something as basic as conversation is difficult. You have been very polite so far! Can you maybe bring it up in a lighthearted way next time he does it? If he changes the subject back to him say "oh, is my time up?" or "I must be mad boring, you often do that". Maybe he needs to be made notice it. After a year, you should certainly be able to feel a closeness with him where you can share things. I can't imagine how you could explain family issues or work concerns without being et with a bigger/ better story about his family/ work.

No, that's a fair observation. Conversation wise, face to face it isn't nearly as much of an issue. It's really talking over the phone where it's a problem. And yes, I am very polite and patient, and don't like to interrupt someone in general unless I have to. I'm a bit late identifying it as an issue partly because he was really nervous in the relationship initially and used to talk at length and speed due to that. He calmed down as we got to know one another. I'm also really not a fan of talking on the phone (in general, not just with him) so put it down to that too initially. It's only as time has gone on and I've tried to engage a bit better that I've worked it out and I suppose I've been ignoring it in the hope that it would spontaneously sort itself out.

I'd tend to leave family issues/work concerns until we are together in person. I also think maybe there's an element of insecurity with him when it comes to topics he's not familiar with, hence the redirection. Where my instinct would be to ask questions to learn what I don't know, his is to talk about what he does know, regardless of how helpful/relevant.

I do think you're right that he is likely somewhat oblivious and I could do with gently bringing it to his attention.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Everyone, EVERYONE is mainly too wrapped up in their own lives to notice.

I used to do this and a good friend sat me down and said I had a tendancy to do this and I began to police myself.

It's about broaching it at a good time not in the middle of a fight and do it in a loving way as I'd say they dont even notice they are doing it.

Thanks, that's kind of what I was wanting to know. I suppose I'd been wondering if that was just how some people are and whether bringing it to their attention was worth it. I'll bring it up carefully next time we have some time to ourselves.

Chrysmari

sparkledrum wrote: »

This would drive me crazy. You must be a very patient person!!

Yes, I would be quite a patient person. But he also has lots of positive attributes balancing this out.

CaraMay

Sorry op but he sounds like an awful bore. He sounds like he had his mammy / ex listening and hanging onto ever word up til now and he thinks everything he says is interesting and / or more important than what you have to say.

zoobizoo

Bring it to his attention.

Until you do yiu won't know.

Some people never realise that they are doing it.

Some people have to learn how to converse.

I remember once being told "it's not all about you" and I learned from that.

That said, there are people I avoid who only ever talk about themselves.

Do yiu have fun together? Is conversation ever funny or amusing?

How do you communicate with friends?

Chrysmari

CaraMay wrote: »

Sorry op but he sounds like an awful bore. He sounds like he had his mammy / ex listening and hanging onto ever word up til now and he thinks everything he says is interesting and / or more important than what you have to say.

I can see how you might have come to that conclusion from what I said in the OP but actually he's really not. He's the kind of person who'd have no problem entertaining a room full of people with interesting stories. He has multiple groups of friends and seems well liked by them. I do think you have a point though, that maybe he did have someone listening raptly to his day to day concerns and I've supplanted them or maybe that's what he thinks having a girlfriend is for? He wouldn't have a lot of relationship experience either.

zoobizoo wrote: »

Bring it to his attention.

Until you do yiu won't know.

Some people never realise that they are doing it.

Some people have to learn how to converse.

I remember once being told "it's not all about you" and I learned from that.

That said, there are people I avoid who only ever talk about themselves.

Do yiu have fun together? Is conversation ever funny or amusing?

How do you communicate with friends?

Yes, we have fun together. We do have really great conversations, interesting and funny. Some of those have even been over the phone. It's just how we're interacting with the day to day life stuff that seems to be the problem.

I suppose that's part of why I'm so slow seeing it as an issue. Everyone else seems to think he's great so I thought the issue was fully on my side. A friend who knows him well does say he talks a lot and there are occasions where he's enthusing about something fairly minor he's achieved and going on about it a little and I might make a gentle joke to ground him. But I've met friends of his who've known him for years and they're genuinely so fond of him. I will bring it to his attention and we can work on it together.

zoobizoo

Chrysmari wrote: »

Yes, we have fun together. We do have really great conversations, interesting and funny. Some of those have even been over the phone. It's just how we're interacting with the day to day life stuff that seems to be the problem.

I suppose that's part of why I'm so slow seeing it as an issue. Everyone else seems to think he's great so I thought the issue was fully on my side. A friend who knows him well does say he talks a lot and there are occasions where he's enthusing about something fairly minor he's achieved and going on about it a little and I might make a gentle joke to ground him. But I've met friends of his who've known him for years and they're genuinely so fond of him. I will bring it to his attention and we can work on it together.

Do because if you have fun together and have interesting conversations, then it sounds like it's worth keeping going.

A lot of it comes down to awareness. If one isn't aware that one is doing it, one will keep on doing it.

As I said, it was pointed out to me years ago and I do remind myself of it every so often because "it's not always about" me...

As for retelling stories, again, you can say this to him. My gf would tap her nose everytime I started retelling a story. It became a running joke but it also reminded me to say "I think I may have told you this before" or "stop me if I'm telling this again" ...

In the same way that I'd say "oh is this where X happened?" if I hear someone telling me the same story again (if I know it's going to be long).

And if my gf is telling a story where she is blowing her own trumpet a bit too much I'll be all "wow... you're the best"... with a smile.

cactusgal

To be honest, he doesn't sound terribly interested in you. Sorry I know that sounds harsh. But when you meet a guy who is really interested, conversation will be easy, flowing, interesting, and fun. The right guy will be really curious and interested in you, and will be full of questions bc he's so keen to know what you're about, and bc he wants you to know he's interested.
This guy doesn't sound like that.

finbarrk

Someone like that would do my head in anyway.

LegacyUser

I could have written this word for word.. It's very perplexing how someone can have so little self awareness that they can't see what a bore they are being and how self absorbed. Point it out and he will probably get very offended. Yes it does stem from being insecure and wanting to impress you to a degree but in doing that he's not stopping to really get to know you and connect.
The real trouble will start when you ever want to discuss serious things that are going on; your feelings, things that are troubling you, big decision you or both of you are making, because he either wil not be able to empathise, or will take over and tell you what he would do without looking at it from your perspective, or shut you down because actually taking on someone else feelings and caring is not something he is capable of because of the type of person he is. Sorry if this is harsh but it's the reality of being with someone like this. And if you were to try to communicate something that he is doing that bothers you be prepared for him to either run from you/ go into a rage/sulk, or turn it around to about how upset he is that you would ever say anything about him/make him sound imperfect.. Because sadly it is ALL about him..not you.

Skibunny77

Emotional intimacy is a core part of a relationship - it isn't simply that he is talking constantly about himself, he also isn't listening to you, nor is he tuned into you. Talk to him, highlight what you need from conversation - then wait and see if he has the emotional intelligence to change his behaviour.

Chrysmari

cactusgal wrote: »

To be honest, he doesn't sound terribly interested in you. Sorry I know that sounds harsh. But when you meet a guy who is really interested, conversation will be easy, flowing, interesting, and fun. The right guy will be really curious and interested in you, and will be full of questions bc he's so keen to know what you're about, and bc he wants you to know he's interested.
This guy doesn't sound like that.

Conversation between us in person is often all those things. We're very much on the same wavelength. It's talking over the phone where the issue lies. Our dialogue over the phone just seems to be a little off. I don't think the problem is one-sided either. I guess he talks to destress but that tends to zap my energy/enthusiasm for the conversation so when he does bring the conversation around to me I can give quite closed answers.

sam1234 wrote: »

I could have written this word for word.. It's very perplexing how someone can have so little self awareness that they can't see what a bore they are being and how self absorbed. Point it out and he will probably get very offended. Yes it does stem from being insecure and wanting to impress you to a degree but in doing that he's not stopping to really get to know you and connect.
The real trouble will start when you ever want to discuss serious things that are going on; your feelings, things that are troubling you, big decision you or both of you are making, because he either wil not be able to empathise, or will take over and tell you what he would do without looking at it from your perspective, or shut you down because actually taking on someone else feelings and caring is not something he is capable of because of the type of person he is. Sorry if this is harsh but it's the reality of being with someone like this. And if you were to try to communicate something that he is doing that bothers you be prepared for him to either run from you/ go into a rage/sulk, or turn it around to about how upset he is that you would ever say anything about him/make him sound imperfect.. Because sadly it is ALL about him..not you.

I'm sorry that you've had first hand experience of all of that. I honestly don't think in our case it's an issue to that extent. He's not a narcissist (which the person you're describing above sounds like) but he probably has some traits of it when it comes to conversation. Thanks for the perspective though, it's good to know what to watch out for to suggest this is a more serious issue.

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Emotional intimacy is a core part of a relationship - it isn't simply that he is talking constantly about himself, he also isn't listening to you, nor is he tuned into you. Talk to him, highlight what you need from conversation - then wait and see if he has the emotional intelligence to change his behaviour.

Thanks, you're right, part of it is that I don't feel like I'm being listened to. Not that I want him to analyse in detail everything I say but just acknowledge it in a way that's telling me he's heard me and not just that he's relating it to something about himself. I will talk to him and see what comes of it.

Chrysmari

zoobizoo wrote: »

Do because if you have fun together and have interesting conversations, then it sounds like it's worth keeping going.

A lot of it comes down to awareness. If one isn't aware that one is doing it, one will keep on doing it.

As I said, it was pointed out to me years ago and I do remind myself of it every so often because "it's not always about" me...

As for retelling stories, again, you can say this to him. My gf would tap her nose everytime I started retelling a story. It became a running joke but it also reminded me to say "I think I may have told you this before" or "stop me if I'm telling this again" ...

In the same way that I'd say "oh is this where X happened?" if I hear someone telling me the same story again (if I know it's going to be long).

And if my gf is telling a story where she is blowing her own trumpet a bit too much I'll be all "wow... you're the best"... with a smile.

Thanks for the advice. It's good to know it's something other couples encounter and find ways to manage. Our relationship is definitely not something I'm willing to give up on just yet.

I do point out when he's retelling a story, usually by recalling a detail when he starts telling it. He's started to catch himself a bit on this too. I think part of the problem is that I struggle more to interrupt him when talking on the phone so I probably wind up listening to more retellings than I would if we were face to face. And if we haven't seen each other in a while and talking over the phone has been our only communication it starts getting on my nerves more than it usually would.

I usually joke about how modest he is when he's going a little overboard. Enough to bring his attention to the fact he's doing it without seeming critical.

Irish_Elect_Eng

OP, glad to hear that this is the only major issue in your relationship. I would feel that if this is the only issue you should be able to work through it together. It is not really a matter of him being right or wrong, if it bothers you then you should discuss it with him.

Some folks abhor a silence and wait a very short period on the phone when replying, some folks default to speaking about themselves as they are nervous and find that a safe topic & some folks just find it hard to remember details of other peoples lives.

Work with each other to develop your conversational skills. It is more important because you rely on the phone/text as you are not together very much. Later if you are seeing each other very frequently your phone conversations will be much sorter and not a significant part of your lives.

As a Boyfriend, I was in a long distance relationship, and calls lasted > 1 hour per night. As a married man, my phone conversations with my wife are almost all transnational.

Hi, Any news, No, You, No, Please pick up milk/kids, Will Do, Sound, Love You, Bye, Later

All our meaningful conversations are face to face. Usually in physical contact with one another. Too much body language and other viaual information is missing on the phone for it to be a good means of communication between lovers.

But if it is the main method that you have to use, get better at it.

• Start by discussing it with him.
• Let him know how important communication is to you.
• Let him know how great it makes you feel when you have a good conversation with him in person.
• Express that you would love to feel the same way after a phone conversation and ask how he thinks you could both make it better (There may be some things he would like to change also)
• Make your suggestions.
• Listen to His.

Best of Luck!

Chrysmari

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

OP, glad to hear that this is the only major issue in your relationship. I would feel that if this is the only issue you should be able to work through it together. It is not really a matter of him being right or wrong, if it bothers you then you should discuss it with him.

Some folks abhor a silence and wait a very short period on the phone when replying, some folks default to speaking about themselves as they are nervous and find that a safe topic & some folks just find it hard to remember details of other peoples lives.

Work with each other to develop your conversational skills. It is more important because you rely on the phone/text as you are not together very much. Later if you are seeing each other very frequently your phone conversations will be much sorter and not a significant part of your lives.

As a Boyfriend, I was in a long distance relationship, and calls lasted > 1 hour per night. As a married man, my phone conversations with my wife are almost all transnational.

Hi, Any news, No, You, No, Please pick up milk/kids, Will Do, Sound, Love You, Bye, Later

All our meaningful conversations are face to face. Usually in physical contact with one another. Too much body language and other viaual information is missing on the phone for it to be a good means of communication between lovers.

But if it is the main method that you have to use, get better at it.

• Start by discussing it with him.
• Let him know how important communication is to you.
• Let him know how great it makes you feel when you have a good conversation with him in person.
• Express that you would love to feel the same way after a phone conversation and ask how he thinks you could both make it better (There may be some things he would like to change also)
• Make your suggestions.
• Listen to His.

Best of Luck!

Thanks so much for the insight and the really good advice, I will take it on board. Prior to meeting him it had actually been years since I'd have had regular in-depth phone conversations as a means of communicating with someone so I was a little out of practice and seem to have let it slip into an unhelpful communication pattern. The lack of body language/facial expressions definitely doesn't help. I like your approach for discussing it with him as well. I'll give it a try.

Thanks everyone for the responses. It's been really helpful and I think I have what I need. I'll ask a mod to close this thread now.