Pregnant cousin conundrum - Should I tell?

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
Long time poster going anon for this. I'm going to keep it very vague but I'm hoping you guys can help.

Basically my cousin just told me she's pregnant. About 5 weeks. She's a few years younger than me- about 22. It was completely unplanned, they were using protection. We are very close, hence why she told me. She's with the father, they are together about 18 months but don't live together.

She has decided she doesn't want to continue the pregnancy and has booked a clinic in England in 3 weeks. I'm supportive of this decision, it's her body and her choice. It wouldn't be my choice but I am supportive. However, I'm not supportive of her decision not to tell her parents. We are a small, close family and I know they'd be supportive. She lives in Dublin, her parents live in the midlands so it's possible for her to do this without them knowing. I just think it's such a big decision to make and I'm worried that there might be side-effects afterwards (physical or mental) that her parents wouldn't know about. I don't think she'll regret the procedure (at least I hope not!), but I'm worried that by not telling her parents it'll become this big dark secret hanging over her. And I'm worried about any side-effects, especially with the travel aspect. If this was legal in Ireland, I wouldn't feel so responsible but as it's abroad I feel like it's too big to keep secret. I feel like the proxy parent here. The boyfriend is still around but is in college and has basically said he wants no involvement. He's not even contributing financially to the procedure. I'm away for work that weekend so I can't accompany her. I work on the other side of the country so we can only contact by skype or call at the minute.

So, I feel like the right thing to do is to tell my aunt. I've asked my cousin to do so but she's refusing. She says she's ok with the decision but I think that she's embarrassed or ashamed. This would have been the first grandchild in the family. I really don't think her parents would judge her for it though. My gut is telling me I need to tell my aunt, even though my cousin has forbid it. I just think she isn't thinking clearly. There is no other medical decision she'd hide in this way. She has sworn that she'll never talk to me again but I feel like the good outweighs the risk. If she does this and something goes wrong and she's alone, I'd never forgive myself. Even if everything goes right, I feel like it'd always be hanging over us and would impact our relationship anyways. All I've been reading about is abortion horror stories for the last few days.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm overstepping here. Maybe I should just respect that she's an adult and leave it. My gut says I shouldn't, but maybe I'm just too close. I'm doubting my every decision at this stage. I know this is an emotive subject so I would appreciate if posters could concentrate on the to-tell-or-not aspect rather than the abortion aspect. I'd really appreciate some impartial advice here! Thanks in advance!!!

Merkin

You categorically cannot, under any circumstances, tell your aunt. Absolutely no way. Your cousin is an adult and has made this decision herself. She has also made the decision to confide in you and you simply cannot betray her trust, regardless of your concerns. If you unequivocally support her decision like you say then you must demonstrate that and keeping her secret is part of that. She may or may not wish to impart this to her parents or whomever she chooses after the event but until then just support her and be a sympathetic ear.

Stheno

Merkin wrote: »

You categorically cannot, under any circumstances, tell your aunt. Absolutely no way. Your cousin is an adult and has made this decision herself. She has also made the decision to confide in you and you simply cannot betray her trust, regardless of your concerns. If you unequivocally support her decision like you say then you must demonstrate that and keeping her secret is part of that. She may or may not wish to impart this to her parents or whomever she chooses after the event but until then just support her and be a sympathetic ear.

Agree completely with this

beertons

Don't say a word to anyone. You won't be close any more if you do.

Leogirl

I understand it's hard to let her do this alone but you were told in confidence+ specifically told not to tell your aunt. I don't think you should tell, it's not your place at all. Personally I would never speak to you again if you went against my very clear wishes. She is an adult+ it sounds like she is ok with her choice. You need to respect that.

I think you would be better off trying to go with her or getting her partner to go.

johnnyskeleton

Maybe tell you cousin that you think she should tell her folks and the reasons you think she should.

Then say no more about it to anyone. Its up to her after that!

wokingvoter

Absolutely not. What on earth are you thinking? Your cousin is an adult. She has confided in you and you have absolutely no right to break her confidence.
What exactly do you hope to achieve by bringing this potentially very damaging news to her mother? How on earth do you think this could end well??

groovyg

Why would you tell your aunt when she asked you not to, you are the one person she thought she could confide in and now you want to tell somebody!!
How do you know how your aunt will react, she could go crazy she could tell the parents and while you think they would support her theres also a chance they won't. How do you know they wouldn't use it as a stick to beat her with if there was ever a row. People who you think are quiet liberal in some aspects of their life can be pretty extreme when it comes to abortion.
It's awful her so called boyfriend has given her the heave ho as well especially when she needs support right now. Advise her to contact her local well woman clinic or positive options for counselling / somebody to talk to before she goes ahead with it. She is 22 after all so she's not a kid.

LegacyUser

Completely understand the responses so far. I can't see that I'd go that far, but honestly my gut is telling me it's the right thing to do. I think one of the key reasons she's doing this is because of the lack of support of the guy. At first she was a little excited but she swung 360 and said that she's afraid he'd break up with her if she continued with it. Also she's been quite ill for the past few weeks so I think that that and the hormones are contributing.

At the poster who said it won't make us closer, I know that!! I'm weighing up if it's worth the risk that she won't talk to me again, to know that she is safe. What if, god forbid, there are complications later? Also, if it does come out later, I know that my aunt would never speak to me again if she found out I knew so I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I have tried a few different tacks, I have practically begged her to go to emergency pregnancy counseling. She's refusing everything, saying it's just a tablet so it's no big deal. She doesn't want anyone telling her options or trying to change her mind. I have asked her to talk to her mum but I get a flat no with no reason except that she doesn't want to. I could try and do something with work to be able to accompany her but I don't think she'd have it even if I could.

Merkin

Just thinking about your post and reading between the lines, I think you may be letting your own thoughts on termination cloud your judgement. I am not for a second getting into a Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate but reading over your thread again you talk about this being the first grandchild, that it wouldn't be your choice and then going to the bother of reading horror stories around abortion suggests that you may need to be honest with yourself about your reasoning behind your desire to tell your aunt. And that is ok. You are entitled to your own views. But it is not ok to then to contemplate betraying this girls trust under potentially false pretences. I may have picked you up completely wrong OP but maybe some time for introspection is in order because I don't really understand your desire to tell your aunt and I'm not sure you do fully either. What do you think?

bee06

If you tell your aunt then your cousin will most likely never talk to you again and she'd be right not to. It would be a horrendous betrayal of her trust to tell her mother. Be there for your cousin, support her but do not tell anyone her business. It is absolutely not your place.

retro:electro

Oh my god. Do not tell her. She's a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. It's a big decision to make, yes; but it's hers to make, not yours.

Dial Hard

groovyg wrote:

How do you know how your aunt will react, she could go crazy she could tell the parents

The OP's aunt *is* the girl in question's parent.

DoubtingMyself wrote:

What if, god forbid, there are complications later?

Her parents knowing she's going for an abortion make absolutely diddly-squat difference to the likelihood or not of there being complications later.

Sorry, OP, but it sounds to me like you want to involve her parents because you think they could talk her out of going through with it.

Butt out. It is absolutely none of your business.

LegacyUser

@Merkin, on re-reading, I can see why you might have picked that up. It's not correct though, I am genuinely pro-choice. The only reason I mentioned the grandchild thing is because I think that might be why my cousin is reluctant to tell her. @groovyg, as I stated before we are a very close family so I have a pretty good idea of how she'd react.

These are the reasons I think she should tell:
* It's a medical procedure with risk of complications. There is no other medical procedure she would keep hidden in this way. If, god forbid, something goes wrong afterwards her parents should be aware of why. I know the horror stories of complications are rare, but on the off-chance she ended up in hospital I think it's better that someone knows why! Especially with the travel aspect.
* I think by talking to someone that loves her unconditionally (or a councilor) she'll talk through the reasons for her decision. I'm worried that this is a rash decision because of the boyfriend and she'll regret it because of that. If it's 100% her decision, that's fine but I'm not convinced yet that it is and she isn't being pressured.
* I think by keeping this a secret it will impact on her relationship with the rest of the family in time as it'll be hanging over her. She's quite soft and lets things get to her easily. What if in time she ends up depressed over this or something like that or becomes withdrawn or whatever? What if he turns around and leaves her anyway and she's upset and alone? I think she needs to have someone to talk to that knows what's going on!

uck51js9zml2yt

The fact that you are asking the permission of complete strangers says a lot for how sure or unsure you are of telling your aunt.

But what gives you the right to betray someone's trust? She told you on confidence and you have no right to betray that trust.
I get the feeling from your second post that you'll ignore all the advice here, but be prepared for the fallout if you do.
Not only will you loose her trust but everyone who knows you and her will soon know that you are a person that can't be trusted with anything.

As has been said, be there for her but that's all you have a right to do.

Merkin

Thanks for clarification OP. I think all you can do is express your concern to your cousin but to reiterate, you cannot tell anyone. Not when she has put her trust in you like this.

Call me Al

This is completely your cousins decision. She is an adult. And I agree that I think your own opinion is influencing your judgement and perspective.

eviltwin

Absolutely disgusting that you would even consider telling her parents. She has made a decision as an adult that has nothing to do with anyone else. She's trusted you and you are considering betraying her. Trust that she has made the right choice for her and keep your mouth shut.

trixychic

That's not your place to tell your aunt.

It's NOT the right thing to do.

It's her life. Be supportive but stay out of it. I can't honestly believe you are even asking this!!!!

rainbowtrout

I'm pretty disgusted OP that you are even contemplating betraying her trust. Every post on this thread has said not to tell her parents and with each post you come back and try and come up with another reason to tell them.

She trusted you and you want to betray her. She will certainly never speak to you again, and it is entirely possible that you will create a massive rift in her family too, particularly if you tell her parents and they do not want to go through with the abortion and she follows through, as is her right.

She's an adult and you clearly don't think she's capable of making decisions for herself. She is. It's none of your business. Keep your nose out.

Call me Al

Op this is a standard medical procedure in most European countries. There is no particular reason to expect anything to go wrong at this early stage.
In addition '000s of women travel from Ireland to have an abortion every year. I don't think I've ever read or learned of any specifically Irish mental health phenomenon relating to these thousands of women. The likelihood is she will simply be relieved to have it over with.
I'd even contend that eventually the sole regret she will have is that she got involved with a guy such as this.

It's her choice, it's her mother, and it's her life. You can have your opinion and try to help her, but you have no right to make these choices for her.

ElleEm

This is not your secret to tell.

Her GP can look after the aftercare and it may be on her medical records if something terrible happens. The medical concerns are a cop out- the termination will take place in a professional clinic, not some back alley. Would you be so quick to run to her mam if she was choosing to have a cosmetic procedure or an appendectomy in private?

You can be sure that any concerns you have she has probably gone over a million times herself. This is her decision. You are not children anymore. This is not a place for you to "tell on" your cousin. She trusted YOU for your support, not her mother. Respect her decision.

strandroad

Do not tell her parents! She chose you for support and you'll be betraying it in a horrible way. Drop this idea immediately. It will not solve your doubts anyway.

I do actually understand your concern about her making the decision based on her boyfriend's influence and perhaps not her own reasons. I don't like the combination of her being afraid that he'd break up with her, while he choses not to be involved and not to support her, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. There is nothing you can do though, apart from being supportive and perhaps keeping the option of talking to someone open in your conversations with her. You said you can't travel, but could you go visit such services with her? Perhaps you can offer that. I agree that ideally she should be sure of her own reasons, but if she can't/won't, realistically that's it so you need to accept that.

Is she going to travel alone? If she's upset, in terms of emotional support it would be good to have someone with her. Are there any charities where she travels to? I heard about women's organisations offering to accompany someone from the airport to the hospital etc.

faceman

Full disclosure. I'm male and I've never been in this situation. I can only begin to imagine what it must be like for your cousin, and secondarily for you.

However this is not about you, or the aunt or even the so called boyfriend. This is about your cousin. Right now she needs all the non judgemental, support she can get. If she has confided in you and asked for your support then give her that. Imagine what it would be like for her if she found out that the one person who she trusted had betrayed her? So on top of having to go through an abortion in a foreign land, she would have additional upset of betrayal caused by loved ones.

Ireland is an awful reputation for people pushing their own moral code on people and holding that to be more important than the compassion people in need truly should receive.

Do the right thing, support your cousin.

Hope everything works out for her.

LegacyUser

This is your cousins decision and not yours. She told you this in confidence and she does not want her mother ( your aunt) about this.

If you tell her aunt this is what could happen - her mother could make her keep this baby. In a few months time your cousins will have to take a brake from work or college. She will then have to find and pay for childcare if she wants to go back to work or college.
Meanwhile your aunt could end up minding this child so your cousion could go back to work or college.
Your aunt could be making plans for her own life and at this stage why should she be taking on your cousins baby.

Your cousins boyfriend could leave her to deal with this. He may not want to see the child or give her any money towards the cost of raising the child.
Within a few years your cousion could be jobless/with out qualifications or in a dead end relationship with a man who does not want his child.

Your cousion has made the decision that she does not want to continue with this pregancy. This was not an easy decision for her to make. She told you in confidence
If you tell your aunt your cousion will never forgive you and long term this will come back on you. She will tell people what you did.
A baby deserves to have 2 parents that want them. From what you have told us your cousion knows that she is not ready for this baby and her boyfriend may not want this baby either. Don't distroy 3 lives because you can't keep your mouth shut.

dellas1979

You can encourage her to tell her parents, but you should not be telling them.

You are going to ruin a connection for a lot of what ifs (although, I understand they are genuine concerns on your part-they are your concerns).

If she needs support, yes maybe she should see a councellor first. And you can encourage this also.

If you don't want her going on her own, offer/organise go with her, or advise her a friend should be there for support.

But you should not be interfering in her life.

She told you for a reason, honour this and be as supportive as you can, in a very tough time for her, not just you.

LegacyUser

Thanks to the posters who have offered supportive, constructive advice. You have given me a lot to think about and while I don't agree with some of the comments, I'll take it all on board.

However, I forgot how quickly this forum jumps to mob mentality. I think I've gotten all I will get from this thread, I'm struggling with the implications of all this enough without being told how "disgusting" I am. I know that I've been vague with details but some of the responses here are best described as vicious. Mods, you can close this thread thanks. I won't be returning or checking it again.

fits

DoubtingMyself wrote: »

These are the reasons I think she should tell:
* It's a medical procedure with risk of complications. There is no other medical procedure she would keep hidden in this way. If, god forbid, something goes wrong afterwards her parents should be aware of why. I know the horror stories of complications are rare, but on the off-chance she ended up in hospital I think it's better that someone knows why! Especially with the travel aspect.
* I think by talking to someone that loves her unconditionally (or a councilor) she'll talk through the reasons for her decision. I'm worried that this is a rash decision because of the boyfriend and she'll regret it because of that. If it's 100% her decision, that's fine but I'm not convinced yet that it is and she isn't being pressured.
* I think by keeping this a secret it will impact on her relationship with the rest of the family in time as it'll be hanging over her. She's quite soft and lets things get to her easily. What if in time she ends up depressed over this or something like that or becomes withdrawn or whatever? What if he turns around and leaves her anyway and she's upset and alone? I think she needs to have someone to talk to that knows what's going on!

This post shows that you are projecting your own opinions, thoughts and worries onto your cousin.
*its a very low risk procedure, particularly in the early stages
* whether its rash or not, she is an adult and it is her decision, and she needs your support for whatever course she takes, not for you to change her mind.
*It might not hang over her at all. She might not even think it is a big deal.

Have respect for your cousin, for her decisions, and for her trust in you. there is absolutely no way you should tell her family under any circumstance I can think of.

Merkin

DoubtingMyself wrote: »

Thanks to the posters who have offered supportive, constructive advice. You have given me a lot to think about and while I don't agree with some of the comments, I'll take it all on board.

However, I forgot how quickly this forum jumps to mob mentality. I think I've gotten all I will get from this thread, I'm struggling with the implications of all this enough without being told how "disgusting" I am. I know that I've been vague with details but some of the responses here are best described as vicious. Mods, you can close this thread thanks. I won't be returning or checking it again.

I'll close the thread as per your request OP. On a final note however, I do think it's a little unfair to accuse posters of having a mob mentality. You asked an honest question and were given honest answers. I know that can be hard when it's diametrically opposed to your own ideas or opinions but the answers were given in good faith. Please do consider that the consensus was unanimous, that in itself speaks volumes. Best of luck. I hope you do the right thing.