Upset on/off ex is dating

LegacyUser

I've been in a FWB situation with an ex for a couple of years - we broke up (badly!) because we wanted different things in our future but we stayed intimate maybe monthly and still spoke a few times every day. We never really talked about getting back together as our life plans hadn't changed.

And now they've met someone else and I'm beside myself with a strange mix of what I think is anger and emptiness. Up to a few days ago they were telling me they still had feelings for me and now they've met a new person who they seem to like quite a bit. I'm avoiding them since as I don't know what to say and I don't really know what I feel. When they told me our conversation was awkward and stunted.

I don't *think* I want them back (we still have different life plans) so why then am I going bananas with how I feel about them dating? And how can I snap out of it?

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Lavinia

Hi OP, I hope you will not get me wrong but even you say you had no intention of being with that person, you do experience a lack of attention that perhaps meant to you regardless.
I presume it would be wise for you to move on and find yourself a healthy relation that may have a future and would fulfill you, so you will not need the attention of that guy.
In that case you would be able to even stay friends if that is what you would like.
Perhaps him moving on also reminded you on your own situation and got you off guard...

Ursus Horribilis

I've read so many problems here which stemmed from exes staying in touch. Even though on paper you split up with your ex a few years ago, you never really broke up. Your relationship changed a bit but that's all. This person continued to fill the lover/partner void in your life. That's why you've correctly identified these feelings of anger and emptiness. Maybe this person wasn't a boyfriend/girlfriend in the strictest sense of the word but they were your other half.

As the others have advised, the best way to get over this is to cut contact with your ex. I can't see any good coming from staying in touch when you obviously still have feelings of some sort. You certainly don't want to be hearing about this new girlfriend/boyfriend, do you? And if the dating turns into something more serious, you're not going to be sleeping with ex. At least I hope not!

Also, if you've been involved in a FWB arrangement with your ex for a few years, it has probably taken you off the market. Hopefully now that your arrangement has ended, it might free you up and help you find someone who's better suited to you.

LegacyUser

You're right, I wouldn't want to hear about the new person they're dating. I'm sure they're lovely but I don't need a play-by-play of the first rushes of their relationship.

When we were FWB they said toward the end they didn't like how it made them feel, things being so overtly about sex between us. So we cooled that side of things and kept things social with the chatting every day still happening.

I guess I feel hurt that after a long time in each other's lives they can just flip their alleged feelings off for me in an instant, with no explanation. Despite me cutting contact with no dramatics they've blocked me everywhere in the space of a few hours. It's left me reeling and feeling like everything was a lie...

This emptiness is awful and I can't seem to even start to move forward from it.

beks101

Your ex moved on, you didn't, simple as that.

It seems the FWB for you was a means to keep this person you loved in your life, whereas to your ex, it was a stop-gap thing until the next person he/she wanted a relationship with came along.

That has happened now so it's time to forget about the whole thing and move on. And perhaps learn from this in future. It's pretty bloody tough to have a no-strings sex-only relationship with someone you once were in love with and with whom you shared everything. You'd want to be damn sure your feelings had entirely dissipated and all that remained was physical attraction, no harboured hopes or "what if"s or "maybe someday again"s. Some people are not the types to compartmentalize sex as "just sex" with no feelings attached, moreso I'd imagine when the feelings were there in the first place.

Merkin

I think even the thread title is quite telling OP. You refer to him as your on/off ex but it's actually been off for a couple of years. It seems like the lines have been very blurred for you (and he's certainly not blameless) which is understandable given the absolute head melting situation you've agreed to be part of.

It seems like he checked out of this a long time ago but was happy to have you in his life as a sexual and emotional crutch until his next girlfriend came along.

Dust yourself off and don't ever let yourself be undervalued or used like that by someone again, it's a recipe for disaster.

batmanrobin

Bit of a crap situation, OP. You've a right to be angry and upset. His behaviour was piss poor. As for him blocking you on everything, well that really says more about him (a) the ego on him to think you'd be bombarding him and (b) he knows he did wrong and doesn't want to deal with any potential fall out.

Think of it this way - you're well shot of this guy and you can now move on and focus on yourself and leave him in the past. You've also learned a valuable lesson. Next time you break up with someone, cut all contact! It's the only way to do a clean break.

heretochat

Correct me if I'm wrong but I can't see that the OP ever identified the ex as male (or female).

Just thought I would point that out.

As for advice (non gender specific), move on OP as your FWB has.