ED & a New Relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all,

My last short relationship ended because I couldn't get it up to do the job, the previous months my sex drive and erections were non-existent, I assumed this was because I was single for so long and once I had a real women things would revert back to normal, and normal was a high sex drive and no problems sorting myself out. I eventually went to my GP got some test carried out that thankfully were all clear, he gave me some ED drugs, these didn't work and the relationship ended.

I recently started seeing a new girl, we are both early 30's we took things slow and steady, no sex for about 5-6 weeks after meeting, which was fine by me, i like this girl, i like what she stands for and I find her attractive, any time we were making out and getting hot and heavy I had a raging hard on, we were hanging out in town, she whispered in my ear how much she wanted me and her eyes light up, we went to hers, we started having sex and when the time came, I couldn't get it up, I continued (without getting graphic) to do other stuff and I'm pretty sure she enjoyed it, I finished with a bit of DIY and the following morning we started again, this time it kinda worked but again not great. I had taken a ED drug the previous night, I know this is more than likely mental, but I feel like half a man, very emasculated that I couldn't do the job, she seemed o.k. but the burning desire was replaced by a sense of disappointment, and thinking it was her, I could feel her slightly withdrawing from me, the exact thing that happened previously in my last relationship.

I have no idea how to stop my mind controlling everything going down a rabbit hole, I have ED drugs they are not working and we are due to meet again this weekend, we haven't had the talk i.e. if we are in a relationship or not, but a good friend always said to me fu&k them good especially the first time and I think I may have blown it again with another women. as I said I like her and would like to see things develop, has anyone some advice?

rcarroll

ignore what your friend said, sex the first time is very very rarely amazing, it takes a few goes to get to know the other persons body, their likes/dislikes, getting it all to work together...I think most people with a bit of experience realize that so don't worry that the first time was less than perfect.

You didn't blow it with this girl, not yet. She will withdraw, like your ex, if she feels like it's her fault/there's a lack of communication and trust between ye. I've had ex's that had problems the odd time getting/keeping hard and the only time it ever became an issue was when he got mad/frustrated and withdrew from me, isolating himself - it ruined what had been a lovely night and instead left me confused, feeling responible and somehow to blame. Try to be a little easier on yourself, accept that it sometimes happens, don't dwell too much, it's likely all in your head and a case of nerves especially if you have no problem getting hard during make-out sessions. Let her know you find her attractive and are happy to do other things and keep the communication open until things sort themselves out, and they will! In fact, it can be quite sweet that a guy is that nervous and eager to make sure things go well

batmanrobin

Be open with her about it, OP. As the above poster said, she'll feel like it's her fault if you withdraw from her and don't explain things. Try not to let it take root in your mind as you'll completely psych yourself out.

LegacyUser

You've got to stop watching porn for at least 6 weeks to really sort this out. Men are getting so used to it and the ease of getting off to it they are completely disconnected and unable to get aroused during intimacy and natural love making. You're used to your brain switching off and not having to think about anything because the most high intensity stuff is all fed to you, so you're finding it difficult being turned on by and having sex with a real woman, which involves enjoying each other simultaneously, not just yourself and the click of a mouse or touchscreen.. Go cold turkey on porn and on masterbating, and it wil resolve the issue.

Conor Bourke

Where was porn mentioned by the OP? He talked about becoming fully aroused when he was with her so that isn't the problem.

OP you haven't mentioned whether you'd had a few drinks when you were out on the town with this girl. Is it possible that there was a little bit of Brewers droop combined with nerves that contributed to your difficulties? What your friend said is childish nonsense from someone who is probably inexperienced in relationships. Having that at the back of your mind probably left you feeling further pressure to perform. Also I appreciate that you probably don't want to be vulgar but your description of events is a little confusing with all the euphemisms: you say that you started having sex but then you couldn't get it up. Do you mean you were engaging in foreplay and then lost your erection once the penetrative sex began or that you couldn't get an erection at all once you got to the bedroom?

You definitely need to talk to this girl if you've been seeing her for a while and want this to work out. Just explain that you've been having some difficulties but that you do find her extremely attractive and that you are turned on by her in the absence of taking ED meds. Tell her that you need to take things slowly at first in order to maintain your erection, she should understand. I'm sure you can even make it into something fun by spending more time on foreplay. Once she sees that the problem isn't a lack of attraction on your behalf, she shouldn't withdraw from you.

LegacyUser

No, getting aroused is not normally a problem, it's keeping it and performing (when the OP is used to just looking after himself, sorry to be blunt about it.) So if he goes cold turkey for a good spell, maintaining the arousal will be less of a problem. The effect of porn on men sexual performance is no secret at this stage. They don't have to be worried about staying aroused with it, there's no anxiety but that takes over when a real life scenario presents itself and then struggle to stay hard because they don't have the same relaxing feelings and rush of dopamine they get from porn.

So abstain for as long as possible. A woman will much prefer you are over exited and come quickly, than it not happening at all.

Conor Bourke

vbh3001 wrote: »

You've got to stop watching porn for at least 6 weeks to really sort this out. Men are getting so used to it and the ease of getting off to it they are completely disconnected and unable to get aroused during intimacy and natural love making. You're used to your brain switching off and not having to think about anything because the most high intensity stuff is all fed to you, so you're finding it difficult being turned on by and having sex with a real woman, which involves enjoying each other simultaneously, not just yourself and the click of a mouse or touchscreen.. Go cold turkey on porn and on masterbating, and it wil resolve the issue.

Vbh3001 wrote: »

No, getting aroused is not normally a problem, it's keeping it and performing (when the OP is used to just looking after himself, sorry to be blunt about it.) So if he goes cold turkey for a good spell, maintaining the arousal will be less of a problem. The effect of porn on men sexual performance is no secret at this stage. They don't have to be worried about staying aroused with it, there's no anxiety but that takes over when a real life scenario presents itself and then struggle to stay hard because they don't have the same relaxing feelings and rush of dopamine they get from porn.

So abstain for as long as possible. A woman will much prefer you are over exited and come quickly, than it not happening at all.

Completely contradictory while I do appreciate that there is merit to your point, until the OP either confirms or denies that porn use has contributed to his difficulties, I can't take your posts seriously in the context of this thread as you appear to have an agenda and are determined to make a link where so far there is none.

SusieBlue

I had this exact problem with someone. The first time we tried, it was game over before it even begun and I was absolutely mortified because I thought it was my fault. All he kept saying was that this was the first time it had ever happened to him which only made me feel worse, but he didn't mean for it to sound that way.
This is far more common than you'd think and I imagine most women have come across this at some stage with a partner, she sounds like a genuine, nice girl so once you assure her it isn't her fault she'll hopefully stick around.
Firstly, no more self loving. Excuse my crudeness, but no vagina will ever be able to replicate the feeling of a tight fist and if that's what your used to, you'll continue to struggle to maintain.
Secondly, take sex off the table. I would start by letting her use her hand on you, and get used to that first. When you've tried that a few times, once your close to 'that' moment, enter her and finish inside. Gradually start entering her earlier and earlier while she's using her hand, and you should be able to maintain an erection as your body gets more and more used to the situation and sensations.
I know talking about the issue can be awkward at those early stages, so I won't advise it unless you specifically want to. In my own experience, we didn't talk about it at all, just did what I outlined above and after a few times I copped what he was doing and went along with it.
After the shaky start, we had a wonderful sex life with no problems whatsoever afterwards.
Best of luck Op, sound like you have an understanding lady and hopefully this issue won't last long. Don't beat yourself up about it.