Do I need to grow a thick skin?

Almond87

I'm not sure if this topic has already been opened as there are dozens of threads here and I've only been reading around 20.

To make it short: I'm an Eastern European expat living in Ireland for almost two years. The company I used to work for back in my home country relocated me to Dublin (it was supposed to be initially in Cork and that still makes me wonder if the experience would've been different).

Ever since I moved here, I've kept struggling with one thing in our gay community: the rudeness of the people I come in contact with, especially on Grindr. I know, Grindr isn't the place to find nice people unless you want a hookup - at least that what everyone says, I and tend to believe it's actually true, after spending a while there.

What I find ridiculously common and very disrespectful here is not necessarily the blocking, or "Pics?" as a reply to my hello. Don't get me wrong, this is happening quite frequently too. But am I shocked to see how unreliable most of the users I came in contact with were, in terms of things that were commonly agreed to be done, such as: meeting at a certain place and a certain hour (of course, +/- 15-20 mins, absolutely no problem from my side if there is any delay even though I'm never late!), coming back to finish the chat we were supposed to, as commonly agreed. And no, I don't think it's just because people are sometimes at work or something else occurs. It's that they never come back and this is really frustrating.

I have seen this in other cities (small and big) of different countries, but believe me, it is at a much much lower scale there whilst in Ireland it is already a cultural thing. And I'd be tempted to put it on the same boat with "Yeah, we should meet up for a coffee sometimes", a thing lots of Irish say but never really mean it.

For anyone who suggests that the problem might be in me, I won't rule out. It could be. But I need to mention: it's not about the way I am chatting or my personality for sure. I know I'm a very easy going guy, I know I respect people all around me, I know I'm always very prompt in replying to a message on any of these apps whenever I am online (especially when the chat is going on) and I don't think it's childish or immature to expect the same thing from people. Maybe because I've developed the same behavior in my career where I can't to be anything else but professional, which involves the above.

I hope I didn't offend any of the Irish guys here - there's no ill will at all

But I do look forward to hear some inputs. Because so far, "Ireland is a very friendly place and people are just extraordinary" simply doesn't work for me and hasn't convinced me it's true. As one of the buddies I met told me "Man, give Ireland a chance, it's a cool place especially for gay people". I've been giving it lots of chances but I can't see if there's anything I'm doing here in a wrong way.

I said it would be short and it seems to be very short indeed. :-P

Enjoy your weekend!

Annasopra

I think grindr attracts a lot of people - some are simply rude, some don't quite know what they want, some are a bit scared cause they are not out. It can be difficult to find genuine people amongst that but it is possible.

Locker10a

I think it's the Internet ! To many it makes interaction with others almost false, it's not real to people, it's not how they would behave in person, the same social expectations don't apply when it's through a medium such as an online app!
You wouldn't tell an idiot they're an idiot on a public train to their face, how ever we are happy to do this online, it's safe, it's not "real" , there are no repercussions, they same applies to online dating! The responsibility or obligation to have manners are removed

newacc2015

Do you have pics up? If not do you send pics immediately? I dont respond to picture less profiles. I hate wasting time on guys who never send pics and still want to be meet up with you.

Irish people are always late to everything. Generally if someone says a time add 20-30mins onto it. Often it is due to Dublin traffic.

Have you considered other ways to meet people like front runners or Emerald warriors?

I find Irish people futile on Grindr. I have been to Germany, NY, Czech Republic etc. If people like you, they will meet within a few mins. Irish people are really bad at meeting on Grindr. I find most cant hold a conversation on it. But the same person will talk to you for 20 mins in the club with no issues

AshfieldM10

Almond87 wrote: »

I'm not sure if this topic has already been opened as there are dozens of threads here and I've only been reading around 20.

To make it short: I'm an Eastern European expat living in Ireland for almost two years. The company I used to work for back in my home country relocated me to Dublin (it was supposed to be initially in Cork and that still makes me wonder if the experience would've been different).

Ever since I moved here, I've kept struggling with one thing in our gay community: the rudeness of the people I come in contact with, especially on Grindr. I know, Grindr isn't the place to find nice people unless you want a hookup - at least that what everyone says, I and tend to believe it's actually true, after spending a while there.

What I find ridiculously common and very disrespectful here is not necessarily the blocking, or "Pics?" as a reply to my hello. Don't get me wrong, this is happening quite frequently too. But am I shocked to see how unreliable most of the users I came in contact with were, in terms of things that were commonly agreed to be done, such as: meeting at a certain place and a certain hour (of course, +/- 15-20 mins, absolutely no problem from my side if there is any delay even though I'm never late!), coming back to finish the chat we were supposed to, as commonly agreed. And no, I don't think it's just because people are sometimes at work or something else occurs. It's that they never come back and this is really frustrating.

I have seen this in other cities (small and big) of different countries, but believe me, it is at a much much lower scale there whilst in Ireland it is already a cultural thing. And I'd be tempted to put it on the same boat with "Yeah, we should meet up for a coffee sometimes", a thing lots of Irish say but never really mean it.

For anyone who suggests that the problem might be in me, I won't rule out. It could be. But I need to mention: it's not about the way I am chatting or my personality for sure. I know I'm a very easy going guy, I know I respect people all around me, I know I'm always very prompt in replying to a message on any of these apps whenever I am online (especially when the chat is going on) and I don't think it's childish or immature to expect the same thing from people. Maybe because I've developed the same behavior in my career where I can't to be anything else but professional, which involves the above.

I hope I didn't offend any of the Irish guys here - there's no ill will at all

But I do look forward to hear some inputs. Because so far, "Ireland is a very friendly place and people are just extraordinary" simply doesn't work for me and hasn't convinced me it's true. As one of the buddies I met told me "Man, give Ireland a chance, it's a cool place especially for gay people". I've been giving it lots of chances but I can't see if there's anything I'm doing here in a wrong way.

I said it would be short and it seems to be very short indeed. :-P

Enjoy your weekend!

I think this is a very good post. I have in the past found myself in a similar

Ash885

You're judging Ireland as a place for gay people based off your experiences on Grindr, a largely anoun. app? Oh...okay...

I'm pretty sure if this had some examples of real life contact with gay people it would stand stronger. People can/will say anything and everything online as there's little consequence for them. On Grindr in particular where there's an abundance of people who use it little more as a time waster, or in my experience a lot of closeted older men just wanting to have a chat with someone gay. Many have no intention of meeting anyone off it. Not to say all are, but a lot.

So Grindr is not the way to go if you want to experience LGBT Ireland; or at least if you want a different view from what you have already. Go out on the scene, make friends through a club (LGBT or not, gay people exsist everywhere) and make assumptions off of human contact.

Almond87

Ash885 wrote: »

You're judging Ireland as a place for gay people based off your experiences on Grindr, a largely anoun. app? Oh...okay...

I'm pretty sure if this had some examples of real life contact with gay people it would stand stronger. People can/will say anything and everything online as there's little consequence for them. On Grindr in particular where there's an abundance of people who use it little more as a time waster, or in my experience a lot of closeted older men just wanting to have a chat with someone gay. Many have no intention of meeting anyone off it. Not to say all are, but a lot.

So Grindr is not the way to go if you want to experience LGBT Ireland; or at least if you want a different view from what you have already. Go out on the scene, make friends through a club (LGBT or not, gay people exsist everywhere) and make assumptions off of human contact.

I'm judging the LGBT community of Ireland as one of my transitions phases throughout my immersion in the Irish culture. At the same time, you're judging me based on my judgement without considering that I probably haven't yet found it easier to do my coming out 100% and I'm still struggling, which makes my immersion in the LGBT even more difficult. I guess we're both in the same boat, from judgmental perspective. Thanks for your input, though!

Almond87

newacc2015 wrote: »

Do you have pics up? If not do you send pics immediately? I dont respond to picture less profiles. I hate wasting time on guys who never send pics and still want to be meet up with you.

Irish people are always late to everything. Generally if someone says a time add 20-30mins onto it. Often it is due to Dublin traffic.

Have you considered other ways to meet people like front runners or Emerald warriors?

I find Irish people futile on Grindr. I have been to Germany, NY, Czech Republic etc. If people like you, they will meet within a few mins. Irish people are really bad at meeting on Grindr. I find most cant hold a conversation on it. But the same person will talk to you for 20 mins in the club with no issues

Oh well, that's a very good question to open another topic I do send pictures when writing to someone who already has pictures. I never send pictures to those who ask "Pics?" but they don't have any on their profile or wouldn't even bother to attach when texting me. In most of the cases, when someone says "Pics? I'll return", it never happens. It happened only when there was indeed a sort of attraction and that guy started to show interest, only for me to realize later that he can't even hold a conversation. Somehow, I would love to see a guideline on "Do's and don'ts on Grindr", something to describe whether one should send a photo or not, whether a conversation should be stopped at some certain point. And there were several blogs in this regards, but then I guess there is no such universal guideline since we all have different expectations and we respond differently to all sorts of challenges out there.

I need to admit that I haven't been considering those two interesting options you mentioned (I think I kept my head in the sand as I've never even heard of them) and probably it won't happen as I'm mainly interested in gym and no other kinds of sports. And thanks for pointing out that aspect about meeting the Irish on Grindr, I guess I just needed to hear another opinion on that.

It's all clear for me that Grindr, Romeo and the likes of these sites/apps are not the best places to meet people here. I did try a club and a few bars and it just didn't work. And no, I'm not a socially awkward guy (especially when I see common sense, naturalness or simply the intention of some good craic), I just assume I didn't have anything in common with any of those I met there.

newacc2015

Almond87 wrote: »

Oh well, that's a very good question to open another topic I do send pictures when writing to someone who already has pictures. I never send pictures to those who ask "Pics?" but they don't have any on their profile or wouldn't even bother to attach when texting me. In most of the cases, when someone says "Pics? I'll return", it never happens. It happened only when there was indeed a sort of attraction and that guy started to show interest, only for me to realize later that he can't even hold a conversation. Somehow, I would love to see a guideline on "Do's and don'ts on Grindr", something to describe whether one should send a photo or not, whether a conversation should be stopped at some certain point. And there were several blogs in this regards, but then I guess there is no such universal guideline since we all have different expectations and we respond differently to all sorts of challenges out there.

I need to admit that I haven't been considering those two interesting options you mentioned (I think I kept my head in the sand as I've never even heard of them) and probably it won't happen as I'm mainly interested in gym and no other kinds of sports. And thanks for pointing out that aspect about meeting the Irish on Grindr, I guess I just needed to hear another opinion on that.

It's all clear for me that Grindr, Romeo and the likes of these sites/apps are not the best places to meet people here. I did try a club and a few bars and it just didn't work. And no, I'm not a socially awkward guy (especially when I see common sense, naturalness or simply the intention of some good craic), I just assume I didn't have anything in common with any of those I met there.

If a guy doesnt have a clear face pic on his profile or does send one when he messages me. I just wont reply. I know it may seem harsh, but I dont want to spend 30 mins speaking to some guy doesnt want me to know who he is

Would not consider front runners are they are running? Generally these clubs are social things that just happen to do sports too. I have seen the Emerald Warriors out and about. They look like a fun group of lads

How do you know you dont have much in common with people if you arent trying to make friends with them? Irish people tend to be quite reserved until you get to know them. I have close friends, who I still only find out basic stuff about them after 2/3 years of knowing them. I find it is difficult with some Irish people to get past small talk, as Irish people are so good at it. Where as Americans will be a lot more open

If you dont like Grindr etc. I think you might enjoy another way of meeting people who are only interested in having fun and making friends such Front Runners, rather than in a club where you might only talk to someone for 2/3 mins. It is easier to make friends with people when you are with the same group of people week after week. Have you try groups on meetup.com?

rochey84

Almond87 wrote: »

I'm not sure if this topic has already been opened as there are dozens of threads here and I've only been reading around 20.

To make it short: I'm an Eastern European expat living in Ireland for almost two years. The company I used to work for back in my home country relocated me to Dublin (it was supposed to be initially in Cork and that still makes me wonder if the experience would've been different).

Ever since I moved here, I've kept struggling with one thing in our gay community: the rudeness of the people I come in contact with, especially on Grindr. I know, Grindr isn't the place to find nice people unless you want a hookup - at least that what everyone says, I and tend to believe it's actually true, after spending a while there.

What I find ridiculously common and very disrespectful here is not necessarily the blocking, or "Pics?" as a reply to my hello. Don't get me wrong, this is happening quite frequently too. But am I shocked to see how unreliable most of the users I came in contact with were, in terms of things that were commonly agreed to be done, such as: meeting at a certain place and a certain hour (of course, +/- 15-20 mins, absolutely no problem from my side if there is any delay even though I'm never late!), coming back to finish the chat we were supposed to, as commonly agreed. And no, I don't think it's just because people are sometimes at work or something else occurs. It's that they never come back and this is really frustrating.

I have seen this in other cities (small and big) of different countries, but believe me, it is at a much much lower scale there whilst in Ireland it is already a cultural thing. And I'd be tempted to put it on the same boat with "Yeah, we should meet up for a coffee sometimes", a thing lots of Irish say but never really mean it.

For anyone who suggests that the problem might be in me, I won't rule out. It could be. But I need to mention: it's not about the way I am chatting or my personality for sure. I know I'm a very easy going guy, I know I respect people all around me, I know I'm always very prompt in replying to a message on any of these apps whenever I am online (especially when the chat is going on) and I don't think it's childish or immature to expect the same thing from people. Maybe because I've developed the same behavior in my career where I can't to be anything else but professional, which involves the above.

I hope I didn't offend any of the Irish guys here - there's no ill will at all

But I do look forward to hear some inputs. Because so far, "Ireland is a very friendly place and people are just extraordinary" simply doesn't work for me and hasn't convinced me it's true. As one of the buddies I met told me "Man, give Ireland a chance, it's a cool place especially for gay people". I've been giving it lots of chances but I can't see if there's anything I'm doing here in a wrong way.

I said it would be short and it seems to be very short indeed. :-P

Enjoy your weekend!

I would like to pride myself on being a very friendly Irish guy. I have a rule about online and mobile app interactions which is that "if I wouldn't say it in person I won't say it online."

That said I happily have my pic on my profile, I make an effort to reply to everyone even if they are outside my age range/not my type. I'll be honest when on Grindr I am looking for more than friendship so I will judge based on looks, I know that's shallow but if I don't have a physical attraction then it's probably not going anywhere but in saying that, there have been some lads that are just the nicest guys ever but I'm not into they aren't into me and we're friends now. My advice to you is get out into the real world and if you need a wingman or moral support give me a shout!

Cheers!

12Phase

Irish people can be very vague about time. I'm Irish and in a non gay dating context, at least four people I know are late for absolutely every meeting.
It's nothing to do with Dublin traffic. It's just an odd concept of time where things slide. Often it doesn't apply to work and business but it's really bad in social contexts, especially where people might see it as insulting when someone is late.

Also Ireland has a fairly open LGBT culture these days with most people not being below the radar so Grindr is possibly used less as a genuine dating platform than it might be in a less LGBT friendly environment where it can sometimes be an important networking tool. I think to a degree those dating apps are used differently in more conservative places but also in rural places where people are just very scattered.

In general in Dublin, Cork, and any British City you'll probably not get the chattiest individuals on those ...

I'm not saying everyone on them is like that but a proportion will be using them because they are only interested in one thing.

Also not putting your pic up, would be seen as a bit too shy/cagey. People will assume you're hiding something for some reason and be quite hesitant to chat.

Try actually going go stuff and meeting people in a non app context. There are are also lots of groups and social opportunities on meetup.com especially in the cities.

I wouldn't rate any culture based on Grindr though. It's really its own bubble.

multifunction

Almond87 wrote:

Ever since I moved here, I've kept struggling with one thing in our gay community: the rudeness of the people I come in contact with, especially on Grindr. I know, Grindr isn't the place to find nice people unless you want a hookup - at least that what everyone says, I and tend to believe it's actually true, after spending a while there.

X