Picking Bridesmaids

ChampagnePop

Any advice on picking bridesmaids? I'm in a bit of a messy situation at the moment, and would love to hear any advice / lessons learnt.

dazed+confused

Pick the two hottest ones from the group and your photos will look great. It also cuts out any arguments about favourite sister/friend etc. It's also a handy way to weed out your SIL.

mansize

dazed+confused wrote: »

Pick the two hottest ones from the group and your photos will look great. It also cuts out any arguments about favourite sister/friend etc. It's also a handy way to weed out your SIL.

It could backfire if they are better looking than the bride

Pick friends if family is the issue and family if friends are

StupidLikeAFox

dazed+confused wrote: »

Pick the two hottest ones from the group and your photos will look great. It also cuts out any arguments about favourite sister/friend etc. It's also a handy way to weed out your SIL.

Pick the two least hottest so you will look better in comparison?

ChampagnePop

I'm really stressed about the situation, my mother's passed away and my father's not around and I'm feeling a bit isolated with the wedding planning

PLL

I have this issue too. My MOH is my best friend. After that it's two cousins who I do get on with but I'm not close to. I always said I would have them but they live a little away, I don't see them much and I'd find it werid to have to contact someone out the blue to ask them. I feel like It should be people I'm closer to, but then if I didn't have them it would be werid.

It's tough. I'd consider just having my MOH if it wasn't for the fact my H2B has a big group of close friends and already has his 5 men asked and them suggesting suit ideas.


Sorry to hear of your loss, if you can have one or two bridesmaids I would defo recommend keeping it small, less stress, keep the bridal party small and special - those who were really there for you when you needed them. I'm not finding wedding planning fun at all. Part of me would love to elope but I know I'd regret not having a wedding here.

Toots

FFS guys, helpful replies only please.

Champagne Pop had you anyone in mind who you'd like? I chose my two sisters and one of my husband's sisters. He has 3 sisters, and while I'd have liked to have all 3, it would have meant 5 BMs and would have cost an absolute fortune for dresses/shoes/etc I was closest to his youngest sister, so I picked her. Interestingly enough, I was actually BM for his older sister the year before, but nobody minded.

My advice is choose people who you are close to (obviously) and who aren't flaky/unreliable. You won't want them turning up late for dress fittings etc, and you may need help with organising stuff in the run up to the wedding, and then on the day itself you might need help with the dress for going to the loo etc.

December2012

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I'm really stressed about the situation, my mother's passed away and my father's not around and I'm feeling a bit isolated with the wedding planning

I'm really sorry you are isolated. Maybe online we can help you think things out.

So the things to consider are
1. How many bridesmaids do you want?
2. Who do you want to pick?
3. Who do you feel obliged to pick?

ChampagnePop

My best friend lives abroad, she's so nice and understanding won't be able to be there for any of the planning.

My sister also lives abroad, and she's very difficult to get on with, very self centered but she expects to be asked.

Maybe I expect too much from a bridesmaid

ChampagnePop

Oh and to add, I was hoping only two bridesmaids

mansize

ChampagnePop wrote: »

My best friend lives abroad, she's so nice and understanding won't be able to be there for any of the planning.

My sister also lives abroad, and she's very difficult to get on with, very self centered but she expects to be asked.

Maybe I expect too much from a bridesmaid

Right these two can be bridesmaids but not much use beforehand

Have you a good reliable friend tha could be chief bridesmaid?? One that can help you with all the wedding stuff?

Keane2baMused

I have three bridesmaids but tbh I'm sorry I didn't go with two!

I have my little sister and two friends.

Champagne I think in the grand scheme of things the whole bridesmaid role doesn't matter a whole lot, so I would try not let yourself get stressed/ upset over it. The day is about you and your hubbie and everyone else should be just glad to be at your special day regardless of their role. I think bridesmaids are over-rated anyway in that if you're a very organised bride there's not much for them to do (except maybe the hen party). So realistically they are more there for moral support (if they are good at that) and pictures.

So sorry for your loss. Weddings always seem more of a mountain when loved ones aren't there, hugs x

Go with those you know will be supportive and not act like divas!

Milly33

Oh sorry to hear Champagne sure ask all your questions here I am sure the ladies and men will help you out.

It really depends on you with the bridesmaids.. You could go down the route of not having any if you were very stressed about it, just maybe ask a good friend to be there for you...

I had my sister as maid of honour and his sister as my bridesmaid...

goldenhoarde

Okay so your two first choices namely your friend who sounds a good choice and your sis who expects to be asked are abroad so they will be there on the day but of little help beyond moral before that.

So is there another close friend or may be a sister of your partner that you get on well with who can be there for the dress fittings and anything else. A shoulder to cry on, a sounding board for ideas etc.

Also what is your partner planning 1/2/3 in their party! Maybe they want three which helps you out!


It would be nice to have someone there on the days you are doing fittings

Milly33

Jes ye reply like super fast haha!!

Well who do you have around you OP that is probably the best person to go with...
What exactly do you expect the bridesmaids to do for you also?

jlm29

Just remember- whilst it is traditional (and symmetrical) to have the same number of bridesmaids and best men/groomsmen, you don't have to. A friend of mine got married a few yrs ago and had no bridesmaids. Her husband had two or three standing with him, I can't recall.

ChampagnePop

Milly33 wrote: »

Jes ye reply like super fast haha!!

Well who do you have around you OP that is probably the best person to go with...
What exactly do you expect the bridesmaids to do for you also?

My partner is very involved in the planning so it's only really dresses and female advice I'd like.

He doesn't have sisters so that's not an option

I've a good few friends who have been married recently, so they'll be helpful but I don't know if it's fair to ask them for help and not make them a BM?

I'm dreading asking my sister, I know she'll be trouble either way though.

andreac

If it's any help, my chief bridesmaid who is also one of my closest friends lives abroad too, and even if she was only able to fly in the day before, i wouldn't have wanted anyone else as my chief bridesmaid.
She comes home a few weeks before the wedding anyway.

Don't choose on who can help, in my opinion, as trust me, you will do most of the organising yourself so no need to expect bridesmaids to do too much. Im having 4 altogether and i took a while to choose 2 of them and im so glad i waited and made the right decision.

So maybe don't rush in to it just yet. Have a think about who you really would like to be there by your side on your special day.

stargazer 68

Agree with Andreac. My Chief Bridesmaid lives abroad and another bridesmaid lives down the country and doesnt drive. I am doing all the organsing myself (and my OH) with input from my sisters (who aren't bridemaids). There isn't really anything they can help you with at the moment so don't rush into it.

Keane2baMused

Do you absolutely have to ask your sister Champagne? If she's going to be a nightmare is it worth the stress?

esforum

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I'm really stressed about the situation, my mother's passed away and my father's not around and I'm feeling a bit isolated with the wedding planning

I am sorry to hear that Champagne, do you have siblings or close friends that can help?

The first thing I tell people: Bestmen and bridesmaids arent there to be nice and pretty for pictures, they are there to take some of your stress away. Give them jobs!

SarahMollie

I was recently asked to be a BM by a fried of mine. Shes also asking her SIL and 2 other friends of hers from her hometown. We're really good friends but she has lots of good friends so I was quietly hoping to be asked (1st time) but wouldnt have been disappointed if I hadnt been really, because shes been BM for about three other people previously. I'm invited to the wedding regardless and will get to celebrate with my friend, so thats all that really matters.

I'd definitely still have offered to help where i can even if i wasnt a BM.

Milly33

Oh stay away from you sister if you don't want to ask her... I would strongly advise having none rather than having one who would be a pain...

No problem in asking friends for help and not asking them to be BM's mostly defo...No one would think anything of it.... Just maybe make sure to thank them.

Do you have any nieces or nephews here, perhaps you could ask one of them and that's it..

Ghekko

Just ask one friend. One bridesmaid is enough. If your sister and friend abroad are put out use the excuse that you need the help here to organise the wedding and they couldn't provide that. I'd hate to be asked to be bridesmaid tbh!

tuisginideach

I think Ghekko is absolutely right - the more bridesmaids, the more hassle. Ask one friend who will be there to help you, not to have a tantrum.

And keep the whole thing as simple as you can - if you think the wedding is stressful, wait til you experience marriage!

tuisginideach

I think GHekko is absolutely right - ask one friend who will be supportive and won't have a tantrum.

Kepp the wedding sas simple as you can - do you really need homemade placecards/ streamers/ favours / banners / signs / amazing performances etc etc etc etc etc etc etc - they'll all end up in a bin eventually ...

ChampagnePop

My sisters already threatened to wear white to the wedding if I don't make her BM, she'll be hassle either way. I do really love my sister, it's just that she can be very self centered.

I'm going to heed the advice and not make a decision until I need to, that way I can minimise the drama at least.

Thanks everyone for the support

December2012

Then don't ask your sister. Do you have other friends you could ask who are fun, energetic, supportive and reliable?

Milly33

Do hold off until you want to decide..

Sure let your sister wear white it means nothing really

Toto Wolfcastle

ChampagnePop wrote: »

My sisters already threatened to wear white to the wedding if I don't make her BM, she'll be hassle either way. I do really love my sister, it's just that she can be very self centered.

I'm going to heed the advice and not make a decision until I need to, that way I can minimise the drama at least.

Thanks everyone for the support

Don't choose someone who would make silly threats like that. As if her wearing white is going to do anything except make people talk about her. I would just choose your friend. I can't think of anything the bridesmaids have to do when it comes to planning apart from maybe the hen and choosing their dresses. As for them being there to help with the stress of planning, I'm a firm believer that the vast majority of wedding stress is brought on by the bride and groom themselves. An example of this would be choosing your sister as bridesmaid knowing that she'll just be hassle. If you don't choose her then that eliminates that stress. Do exactly what you want to do. It's your wedding. Please yourself and your husband and you will have a lovely, stress free wedding.

ChampagnePop

Toto Wolfcastle wrote: »

Don't choose someone who would make silly threats like that. As if her wearing white is going to do anything except make people talk about her. I would just choose your friend. I can't think of anything the bridesmaids have to do when it comes to planning apart from maybe the hen and choosing their dresses. As for them being there to help with the stress of planning, I'm a firm believer that the vast majority of wedding stress is brought on by the bride and groom themselves. An example of this would be choosing your sister as bridesmaid knowing that she'll just be hassle. If you don't choose her then that eliminates that stress. Do exactly what you want to do. It's your wedding. Please yourself and your husband and you will have a lovely, stress free wedding.

It will likely cause more hassle if I don't ask her, and she'd be very hurt, it's not a clear cut decision for me. I'm her best friend, she relies on me for support, especially since my mother passed away.

Maybe I just need to be firm about what I expect from her if she were to be BM and let her decide.

tuisginideach

What exactly do you need your bridesmaid to do? You are obviously kind and wouldn't hurt your sister so I would suggest having your sister as your bridesmaid - just the one - and as she is away, she can't get really involved - but ask a very good friend (who would know the situation with your sister) if she would help you out - personally, I'd love to help a bride in all sorts of ways but I would hate to be a bridesmaid!

taco.cat

I had 4 bridesmaids. I only wanted 3, but I wanted to balance with the groomsmen so I added a 4th. I have a "best friend" who I have totally and utterly drifted from over the last few years, but if I didn't ask her to be Maid of Honour, way too many tongues would have been wagging. So I got stuck with her and I still kind of resent it. She was grand, but she added nothing if that makes sense. She's very self-absorbed these days, and she lives abroad, so she had no real interest in helping, nor could she offer much. I remember she was home briefly, and I tried on my wedding dress for her and gave her her bridesmaids dress. When I had my dress on, she went "Oh yeah, that's nice" and then went back to preening in the mirror and asking how I thought she looked :rolleyes:.

My actual closest friend these days was another, and she was a godsend. She helped out wherever she could. Anything I couldn't manage, she did. She definitely acted as MoH, even though she didn't have the title.

The two others were just there for show, really, and to include them. They didn't contribute in any meaningful way, and other than having them around in the morning, there was no real benefit to having them.

ChampagnePop wrote: »

My sisters already threatened to wear white to the wedding if I don't make her BM, she'll be hassle either way. I do really love my sister, it's just that she can be very self centered.

Don't include your sister! So what if she wears white? What a bitch for making threats to try and bully you into asking her. The next time she tries something like that, stop, look at her and say "[Sister], sh*t like that is why I'm not asking you to be my bridesmaid. You're trying to bully me and that's the very last thing I need in a bridesmaid. So no, you're not going to be my bridesmaid and your behaviour is the reason for that".

From my experience, one good bridesmaid is enough. You'll save a fortune by having a smaller number involved. And your friends who are married will be delighted to give you advice and pointers, even if they're not your bridesmaid! They may not be much practical help in terms of running errands, but they'll still help in other ways, I'm sure.

ChampagnePop

Thanks for all the advice.

Ive decided to hold off on deciding about my sister, I'll wait to see if she acts up in the meantime.

I've another friend whos moving back home soon and would be great fun as well as helpful, she'll be great at BM stuff - dress appointments, hen party planning, getting everyone dancing on the day and possibly running interference if required!! I can't believe I forgot about her before now

lazygal

If I was doing it again I wouldn't bother with a bridal party. It wasn't a massive hassle or anything and we only had one bridesmaid and best man but they would probably have enjoyed the wedding more just being guests. If I really wanted a bridal party I'd still have just the one. Less expensive and less stressful.

Gatica

ChampagnePop wrote: »

My sisters already threatened to wear white to the wedding if I don't make her BM, she'll be hassle either way. I do really love my sister, it's just that she can be very self centered.

As Toto Wolfcastle said, if she does that, the only one that will look bad on the day will be her. It's no embarrassment to you if she ends up being ridiculous in white at someone else's wedding.
I think there's no reason you cannot ask a friend for opinion or advice on girly wedding stuff without asking them to be bridesmaids. Lots of people don't like being bridesmaid that much because of the extra work and pressure that goes with it anyway, like organising hen etc... Ask a friend you trust to come with you to your fitting for example and for her opinion or dress/veil, whatever. You'll see that if they're a reasonable person, they'll happily come along without ulterior expectations.

goldenhoarde

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I've another friend whos moving back home soon and would be great fun as well as helpful, she'll be great at BM stuff - dress appointments, hen party planning, getting everyone dancing on the day and possibly running interference if required!! I can't believe I forgot about her before now

you "forgot" about her because you're getting a tad stressed.

Your friend will do all the BM stuff and by the sounds of you she'll be good at it and be a help not a hindrance!

So you can then have your sister as a BM on the day. Maybe she's acting up a bit because she's abroad and its along hard given that your mother is no longer around.

Anyways your day so do what will make you happy!. There will be stress in the run-up to the wedding but come the morning of the big day it will all come good and you'll have a great day