How to react - neighbour's stillbirth & our pregnancy

jester77

We are due our next baby in 2 weeks and our neighbours were due their first 6 weeks after. My partner and the neighbour wouldn't be close friends but they would call in for tea and a chat about babies every so often. She was over last week and saying how the pregnancy had been difficult and they just did up the baby room that weekend, I can see it here out my window.

It turns out that this difficulty was because she had a rare disorder that only affects 1 in 300 pregnancies and is very dangerous for the mother, can cause liver failure. She collapsed last week and fell down the stairs because of this and sadly lost the baby due to the fall. This issue was only then discovered.

She will return home from the hospital next weekend. My partner is really upset over this. She also doesn't know what to do, should she call over and visit? Or would the sight of a pregnant person be too upsetting? We will have our baby the week after, and it feels sort of wrong to celebrate. She can see straight into our house from hers, we don't know want to upset them any more than they are going through.

VandC

Personally I would call over. You can't hide your life and new baby from them forever, especially living next door to each other. While I think you may feel like you are being insensitive, as horrible as this may sound, life does go on. Your neighbours will see other pregnant women, newborn babies etc etc. Feeling like people are avoiding you because they don't know what to say is just the worst. There will be no words to make this couple feel better but your companionship could mean the world to them. It is a very difficult situation but it could be the comfort they need. To not acknowledge their loss to them is cruel and hurtful imo, they will need all the support they can get.

If you feel it would be more appropriate you could go over yourself first to offer sympathies but let them know that your partner would also like to visit and ask if they feel up to it. This way you have reached out to them and given them the opportunity to say if they are ready or not.

SusieBlue

I would go with the second option mentioned by PP and call over yourself first. Life does go on but I imagine they are incredibly raw right now and seeing your partner might push them over the edge.

As for when your baby arrives, I wouldn't actively pursue seeing them but would obviously act normally if you bump into them in the street with your baby or if they call over.

Basically, to sum it up, take their lead. If it seems like they're avoiding you and your baby, don't take it personally cause it won't last forever. But if they actively try to spend time with ye go for it. Have as little or as much contact as they initiate.

Everyone grieves differently and the most sensitive thing to do is to let them make those decisions.

Also, props to you and your partner for being so considerate of their feelings during such an exciting time for you both. I only wish people had been as sensitive to me when I was in your neighbours situation.

Best of luck with everything

Chocolate fiend

How sad for them.

I would not advise your partner go and visit them before the baby comes, it is too soon and they will have nowhere to hide as such if she turns up on their door. Also your partner as callous as it sounds needs to mind herself and not get too upset before she has her baby.

After the baby comes just go about your business, if the other couple want to see your baby then let them, but, I would not go actively looking for them.

You can let them know you are thinking of them in lots of ways, maybe some home cooked dinners, or if you guys don't feel like doing that maybe even just some M&S ready meals or similar.

Take your lead from them, you sound very thoughtful. Best of luck with the new arrival, enjoy it, it is a very special time.

StanleyOllie

Maybe write a card and pop it in to them. Tell them how sorry you are and that you really are sure what to say. Just say you dont want to intrude on their difficult time and that you are there if they need anything. It acknowledges their awful loss but doesnt put them in a situation they may not be able to handle at this point in time. Dont avoid them either though... they are grieving but they will know that others have to get on with their lives. Very sad situation.

CaraMay

Which of ye is more friendly with them? My friend lost her first baby in similar circumstances and while it made her sad to see pregnant women due the same time as her, she was happy for them.

It's a good idea for you to pop over to offer your condolences and then mention your wife would like to see her if she was up to it. I think that's the best way but am torn as to whether or not the woman would feel patronized.

It's a hard one.

Neyite

Mod:

OP, due to the upsetting and sensitive nature of the topic, I've amended your title as a trigger warning.

eviltwin

You've said yourself you're not really friends so I'd be inclined to write a note. When people are grieving they usually only want those closest to them around in the early days. Obviously with your partner being pregnant it's even more difficult and I would feel personally it's a too much. Take their lead. I wouldn't hide away either, you have to get on with your life and you shouldn't feel guilty about celebrating. I'd also tell family and friends who may visit to be aware of the situation, don't arrive with balloons etc. It's a horrible situation to be in as the outsider but don't avoid them, that will just make them feel worse.

Rubberchikken

a note outlining your thoughts on her loss would seem the best way to deal with this at the moment. let her call on you when she's ready.
yes it probably will be very hard on her to see your, and others, pregnancies and babies, but you can't do anything about that and she does realise this too.
it's very thoughtful of you to think of her. best of luck

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. First my sympathy goes out to your neighbour and that I am very sorry that this has happened. I know its terrible when two of ye are pregnant at the same time and then this happens so it must be awful for her. My advice to you would be to call over to her and tell her that you are very sorry that this happened and that she can always try again later. I would also suggest that you buy a get well card for her and if she is feeling really suggest that she gets counselling and maybe even accompany her to each session. I know it must be awful now but that it will get easier with time.
Besides Congraulations and best of luck with your new baby

iguana

Ryan Mac Sweeney wrote: »

My advice to you would be to call over to her and tell her that you are very sorry that this happened and that she can always try again later.

Whatever you do, don't do this. It's the equivalent of turning up at the house of a recent widow and advising her to get back out there and find a new husband.

Addle

Rubberchikken wrote: »

a note outlining your thoughts on her loss would seem the best way to deal with this at the moment. let her call on you when she's ready.
yes it probably will be very hard on her to see your, and others, pregnancies and babies, but you can't do anything about that and she does realise this too.
it's very thoughtful of you to think of her. best of luck

I've been there OP, and I find rubber chickens approach the most sensitive.

jester77

Thanks for the replies.

My partner was already in contact with her over sms. We saw the ambulance outside the house and she sent her a message a few days after to ask her if everything was ok and if there was something we could do. That's when we found out, she is actually lucky to be alive herself. I'm not sure if they will be able to try for another baby, <SNIP>

My partner is just after saying that she got a message from the neighbour with a picture of the baby :eek: I find that very odd, but I can understand she is probably still in shock. Not sure what she can say back to that, my partner is a little shocked now after seeing it.

Neyite

Ryan Mac Sweeney wrote: »

Hi there
I have read your post. First my sympathy goes out to your neighbour and that I am very sorry that this has happened. I know its terrible when two of ye are pregnant at the same time and then this happens so it must be awful for her. My advice to you would be to call over to her and tell her that you are very sorry that this happened and that she can always try again later. I would also suggest that you buy a get well card for her and if she is feeling really suggest that she gets counselling and maybe even accompany her to each session. I know it must be awful now but that it will get easier with time.
Besides Congraulations and best of luck with your new baby

That is literally the worst thing you can say to a bereaved mother! :eek:

In terms of talking to either parent, you take their lead. You acknowledge the enormous loss they have suffered. (and one you can never ever get over fully) You call the child that passed away by the name that they gave him /her.

A get-well card is grossly inappropriate. They are not sick. They are bereaved in one of the most awful of ways.

And to suggest they get counselling, well, I'm pretty sure that the hospital staff will have put them in contact with a Bereavement Counsellor for when they are ready to talk to someone.

OP: If your wife feels that your neighbour might get upset with her being visibly pregnant, and I can see why that would be, she could do up a batch of freezer meals for them and send them over with you. You just don't have the energy (or the appetite) to cook, and sometimes cant face the supermarket in case you meet people. When we had a bereavement a lovely neighbour landed in with a monster pot of stew and potatoes and it was honestly just what we didn't know we needed at the time. So now when someone is ill or bereaved I do likewise.

A thoughtful memorial card (if they are religious) or a sympathy card if not letting them know you are thinking of them during this difficult time is all you can really say. Perhaps a donation to feileacain?
- they are an amazing charity that supports parents of stillborn and neo-nate losses.
It is important that you don't take any withdrawal personally. (I cant see that you would tbh - you seem very considerate ) or if they are reluctant to acknowledge your new arrival when the time comes. It's just a massively painful experience for them.

Neyite

jester77 wrote: »

My partner is just after saying that she got a message from the neighbour with a picture of the baby :eek: I find that very odd, but I can understand she is probably still in shock. Not sure what she can say back to that, my partner is a little shocked now after seeing it.

No its not odd. It's normal for any mum to share a picture of their new baby and your neighbour is no different - I've met several who shared those pictures and I was very privileged to be shown such a precious memory of hers. This was her baby. Her beautiful child that never got a chance. You tell her that her baby is beautiful, you admire the name they gave the baby, just like you would if she had had the chance to bring the baby home.

eviltwin

jester77 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

My partner was already in contact with her over sms. We saw the ambulance outside the house and she sent her a message a few days after to ask her if everything was ok and if there was something we could do. That's when we found out, she is actually lucky to be alive herself. I'm not sure if they will be able to try for another baby, <SNIP>

My partner is just after saying that she got a message from the neighbour with a picture of the baby :eek: I find that very odd, but I can understand she is probably still in shock. Not sure what she can say back to that, my partner is a little shocked now after seeing it.

That photo is probably one of the only memories she has of her baby. When you lose a child most people have their own memories, with a stillbirth no one has met the baby so those photos become a way of saying this is my child, he/she existed. Talk about the baby as you would any other child. Use his or her name, this was her child, she is the mother, that doesn't change because the baby died.

seamus

Neyite wrote: »

You tell her that her baby is beautiful, you admire the name they gave the baby, just like you would if she had had the chance to bring the baby home.

This.

This wasn't a miscarriage, this was a stillbirth of a 32-week foetus. Whatever way you look at it, dead or alive this is their child, their whole world if even only now in remembrance.

These are not childless people who've never had a baby, they are bereaved parents.

There may be a funeral or a service held for the child, which will probably help you find out where you stand in terms of being around the parents and discussing the incident.

CaraMay

It's not odd. It's her baby. As said above say the baby and name are beautiful. It's all the poor woman has left.

At these times, it's often best to say very little and maybe even tell them you don't know what to say to them. They know that. There's nothing you can say yo make it better but there's a lot you can say to make it worse. Less is more in this case.

iguana

jester77 wrote: »

My partner is just after saying that she got a message from the neighbour with a picture of the baby :eek: I find that very odd, but I can understand she is probably still in shock. Not sure what she can say back to that, my partner is a little shocked now after seeing it.

It's completely normal and exactly what is advised by bereavement counselors who specialise in this kind of death. Their baby isn't something shameful to be hidden away. He/She is their beautiful child who has tragically died. They love him/her and want to share him/her with the world in one of the few ways they still can.

One thing I advise when responding about the baby, is to be careful of the tense you use. Pay attention to how the parents speak of their baby and if they don't use the past tense when describing him/her you shouldn't either. Try to use either present tense or be tense neutral, ie: he/she is such a beautiful baby/what a beautiful baby. I know we speak of the dead in past tense, but this is a little different as the baby was born dead, so their whole knowing of this person outside of the pregnancy was in death. So to them they are going through meeting and saying goodbye to their child at the same time.

This can make use of the past tense to describe the process they are just going through very painful.

LegacyUser

We know people who had a baby with encephaly(?) And down's syndrome, stillborn at 20 weeks.They sent thank you cards to a few people who had given them cards, with a few photos of the baby on the front.'Tastefully' taken, lovely photos.

I didn't understand it all, but I have now got two babies of my own and I do.It was her baby, their hopes and dreams, things she dreamed off....she carried it, she held it and loved it.It's heartbreaking to be honest and it can be hard to understand.I think if you pop a card into them yourself, its probably the best approach, and then leave them some space for a while.I can't imagine how they are feeling, it must be awful.And do not, under any circumstances talk about trying again or anything like that.It was a tragic thing to happen and they will need a lot of time to recover.

Midnight Sundance

I would definitely not suggest to her that she can go again. She will be in severe shock for a long time. I am sure if she ever feels ready to have another child again , she will come up with this idea herself.
She may find it difficult to talk to or see your partner while pregnant or with the baby, Time is the only healer with this. I would do as others suggested, let her know your partner would like to offer her condolences but let her make the decision of she wants to see her.
My close friend went through a
Similar situation and I remember her getting very angry at a pregnant wife of one of the mourners turning up to the funeral.
Basically she is going to be all over the place . Whatever you do though, please don't ignore her or walk to the other side of the road of you meet her. Act normal .
Also, the baby picture may seem a little weird but it's so special to this woman, it's her baby. It is all she has left.
I still get a little gift for my friends baby's grave at Christmas and Easter and times like that to let her know that she is remembered .
I know that this means a lot to her. Just something to maybe keep in mind in the future.

Chocolate fiend

I can see why it would be upsetting to get a photo of a baby who has died especially when you are pregnant yourself. I am sure the lady was just not thinking (in that way) and wanted to share her beautiful child with her friends, but, yes a pregnant woman was probably not the ideal audience for such a photo.

Most people only share photos of children who have died with those quite close to them, she must feel closer to your wife than you thought.

Ken.

I've no experience of still birth or the situation of the neighbour so be kind when I say the following.

Would it be totally outside the bounds of common decency to offer the bereaved lady godmother of the op's child when the time comes? Ignore the fact that the op and his wife probably have godparents picked already.

RentDayBlues

ken wrote: »

Would it be totally outside the bounds of common decency to offer the bereaved lady godmother of the op's child when the time comes? Ignore the fact that the op and his wife probably have godparents picked already.

Yes, very wrong. While it might seem like a nice gesture it's very out of place.

LegacyUser

I must be the only one here who thinks that sending a photo of a dead baby, however much cherished& loved, to another pregnant woman, is insensitive & inappropriate
Whilst of course the neighbour is grieving, it shouldn't blind her the OP& his wifes own worries& stresses about their own pregnancy.
The deceased baby shouldn't take priority over the growing one, they are both equally important, & both forms of parenthood to be protected equally also

retro:electro

dfggg wrote: »

I must be the only one here who thinks that sending a photo of a dead baby, however much cherished& loved, to another pregnant woman, is insensitive & inappropriate
Whilst of course the neighbour is grieving, it shouldn't blind her the OP& his wifes own worries& stresses about their own pregnancy.
The deceased baby shouldn't take priority over the growing one, they are both equally important, & both forms of parenthood to be protected equally also

I agree. I see no problem in her wanting photos of the baby to cherish forever; of course that's normal. But to send the pic to a pregnant woman is just not right in my eyes.

Merkin

dfggg wrote: »

I must be the only one here who thinks that sending a photo of a dead baby, however much cherished& loved, to another pregnant woman, is insensitive & inappropriate
Whilst of course the neighbour is grieving, it shouldn't blind her the OP& his wifes own worries& stresses about their own pregnancy.
The deceased baby shouldn't take priority over the growing one, they are both equally important, & both forms of parenthood to be protected equally also

I can see where you're coming from but there really is no template for grief and people try and cope in all kinds of ways. I'm sure she is so consumed by her own grief that she never thought of the OP's imminent arrival.

I've a dear friend who lost her beautiful little girl to stillbirth and it brought her enormous comfort and helped her heal by sharing photos to friends and relatives. To the mother those photos aren't of her dead baby but her precious little baby. The much longed for and loved little one who unfortunately didn't make it so I wouldn't castigate the woman for sharing these.

CaraMay

Yeah she's just thinking it's her baby, not her dead baby.

jester77

I can see it from her point of view. My partner was a bit shocked and upset when she saw the picture, it was the last thing she was expecting when she opened the message. They wouldn't be close friends, I would have thought that this was a picture that you would only share with family and close friends. But given the circumstances I can see why she would.

It now leaves us wondering if we would should share a picture after our birth. It's not something we would have done, but now we don't know. If we send a picture I would imagine it would be very upsetting, but on the other hand if we don't she may think we are avoiding her in some way?

eviltwin

jester77 wrote: »

I can see it from her point of view. My partner was a bit shocked and upset when she saw the picture, it was the last thing she was expecting when she opened the message. They wouldn't be close friends, I would have thought that this was a picture that you would only share with family and close friends. But given the circumstances I can see why she would.

It now leaves us wondering if we would should share a picture after our birth. It's not something we would have done, but now we don't know. If we send a picture I would imagine it would be very upsetting, but on the other hand if we don't she may think we are avoiding her in some way?

Your situation is totally different. You will have a child people will get to see and engage with. For this couple the photo will be the only reminder they have to show people of their child. I wouldn't send a photo, I think it would be insensitive to do that. You live in the same place, they will see the baby eventually, leave it up to them to decide when they are strong enough to handle it.

CaraMay

No you don't need to send them a photo

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah she's just thinking it's her baby, not her dead baby.

No, I don't think she's just thinking it's her baby, she's thinking it's her lifeless baby.
No matter how grief-stricken she is, she knows the difference.
And she definitely knows each and every one of the recipients of who she sends that important image to, so she should have a bit of tact herself, and consider that another pregnant woman may be genuinely very scared/traumatised by seeing such a photo.

jester77

Thanks, I was thinking that but just wasn't sure it might come across cold or avoiding them if we didn't.

Neyite

lkjkk wrote: »

No, I don't think she's just thinking it's her baby, she's thinking it's her lifeless baby.
No matter how grief-stricken she is, she knows the difference.
And she definitely knows each and every one of the recipients of who she sends that important image to, so she should have a bit of tact herself, and consider that another pregnant woman may be genuinely very scared/traumatised by seeing such a photo.

Traumatised? The OP hasn't said his wife was scared or traumatised, just taken aback. Its a picture of a child that looks like he or she is sleeping. Honestly, having seen a few of them, they are so beautiful yet so sad.

Being pregnant does not mean that you get to be treated like a special snowflake and demand genuinely traumatised people ignore their own feelings for your benefit. The world does not work like that.

Yes, neighbour probably should have asked the OP's wife if she would like to see the photo, but I imagine that, y'know, she probably hasn't been thinking all that dispassionately about things considering that her child died, she nearly died and any future pregnancies they may have have the same risk to her life and a babys. I imagine that tact wasn't at the forefront of her mind. I imagine that she herself will be the recipient of many tactless comments by well-meaning people during her bereavement which will far outweigh and hurt more than sharing a photo.

tinkerbell

Ryan Mac Sweeney wrote: »

Hi there
I have read your post. First my sympathy goes out to your neighbour and that I am very sorry that this has happened. I know its terrible when two of ye are pregnant at the same time and then this happens so it must be awful for her. My advice to you would be to call over to her and tell her that you are very sorry that this happened and that she can always try again later. I would also suggest that you buy a get well card for her and if she is feeling really suggest that she gets counselling and maybe even accompany her to each session. I know it must be awful now but that it will get easier with time.
Besides Congraulations and best of luck with your new baby

lkjkk wrote: »

No, I don't think she's just thinking it's her baby, she's thinking it's her lifeless baby.
No matter how grief-stricken she is, she knows the difference.
And she definitely knows each and every one of the recipients of who she sends that important image to, so she should have a bit of tact herself, and consider that another pregnant woman may be genuinely very scared/traumatised by seeing such a photo.

These two comments really are infuriating and make me feel so angry for people who have suffered a loss like this. Are people really this clueless and selfish? OP's neighbour has just lost her BABY. The baby was born at 32 weeks. They are parents, grieving for the loss of their little baby. Don't be so fcking cruel and heartless.

So the woman who lost a baby should keep her feelings hidden and not speak of the death of her baby just in case she might upset a pregnant woman? Get a grip. As Neyite said, being pregnant does not give you the authority to go around acting like you're a precious snowflake and may get offended. This woman has just lost a child and you are concerned with how a pregnant woman might feel traumatised? WTF? The only one traumatised here is the woman who has lost her child.

And to the other comment on "she can always try again" - bloody hell, I hope you don't ever come face to face with a parent who has lost a child if that's how cruel, tactless, insensitive and horrible you would be to them. You can't just replace a child, FFS.

And getting a get well card for her?!

And suggesting the OP attends counselling with this woman?!

I'm actually speechless. I mean what planet are you on to think these are acceptable suggestions to say to grieving parents? I seriously hope you never have to encounter a grief stricken parent and if you do, just keep your mouth shut because clearly you have no tact whatsoever.

Xaracatz

lkjkk wrote: »

No, I don't think she's just thinking it's her baby, she's thinking it's her lifeless baby.
No matter how grief-stricken she is, she knows the difference.
And she definitely knows each and every one of the recipients of who she sends that important image to, so she should have a bit of tact herself, and consider that another pregnant woman may be genuinely very scared/traumatised by seeing such a photo.

Unless you have experienced it, or had children yourself, it must be difficult to out yourself in that mother's shoes. But, and this is just my experience - you want to share this picture of your beautiful child. You want people to understand that here is this gorgeous little real person. It's not even a feeling (straight away anyway) that people will be telling you to try again and you want to avoid that. It's that that this is your baby. Who you've carried, made plans for, dreamt of, loved, and who you just couldn't wait to meet on the outside so that you could make the world as perfect for them as you possibly can. So of course you're going to want to share the picture.

I'm sorry - I don't know if I have explained that very well. But there's nothing selfish or inconsiderate about this.

Chocolate fiend

ken wrote: »

I've no experience of still birth or the situation of the neighbour so be kind when I say the following.

Would it be totally outside the bounds of common decency to offer the bereaved lady godmother of the op's child when the time comes? Ignore the fact that the op and his wife probably have godparents picked already.

Not all children have godparents, it's not something that is even part of the story of their lives.

As for the photo, when my daughter was born (alive and well thankfully) there were some friends I did not send her photo to, one was grieving a loss and a couple of others were trying very hard to get and/or stay pregnant.

I would perhaps like to be asked if I would like to see a photo of a baby that had died, especially if I was pregnant myself.

silly

Telling her she can try again - NO
Suggesting Counselling - NO
Attending Counselling with her? - NO
Sending a photo of her deceased baby inappropriate? - That's up to the person who receives it - I would feel privileged to be shown something so personal. It would be hard to see if i was myself pregnant, but I have a healthy baby growing inside me, this woman has lost her precious baby - give her a break - she just wants you to see the beauty she has created.
Reply to txt of photo - Yes! Comment on how beautiful the baby is (all babies are!)
Calling over before your baby is born? Call over yourself without pregnant partner - offer sympathies and let them know ye are there for them both.
After baby? Let her take the lead on this one. She will most probably txt to congratulate - don't send a pic unless she asks for one. She will if she genuinely wants to see the baby.

LegacyUser

I think her sending the picture was purely because all the chats she would have had with your partner were about babies. Or would have been dominated with baby talk. Your partner is never going to get to see/meet her baby. She just wanted to share it with her.

Of course she was taken aback. She wasn't expecting it. But it wasn't done to upset or provoke a reaction. My friend had a still born baby and made a picture of her hand holding her babies tiny hand her profile picture. It made very many people uncomfortable. Because death, especially infant or child death makes people uncomfortable. But right now that couple are doing what they feel is right for them.

You follow their lead. They won't be expecting a picture of your baby. If she wants one she will ask. Believe it or not the birth of your baby won't be their top priority! They will still be coming to terms with what has happened. And her due date is still looking so that will be another upset for them.

I think rather than feeling you are avoiding them, I think it would be appropriate to keep your distance. Not just you but most neighbours, colleagues, friends rtf. It is a traumatic time and they don't need to feel they have to put on a brace face and entertain the well wishers (who genuinely do mean well). They need people around them that they are very comfortable with. Who won't mind if she doesn't get dressed, or doesn't talk, or just cries for an hour while they sit in silence. Very few people are considered to be priveleged enough to be that close to a grieving parent. Your life will go on and their loss will have little affect on your life, really. Their life will go on too... But not yet.

Midnight Sundance

silly wrote: »

Telling her she can try again - NO
Suggesting Counselling - NO
Attending Counselling with her? - NO
Sending a photo of her deceased baby inappropriate? - That's up to the person who receives it - I would feel privileged to be shown something so personal. It would be hard to see if i was myself pregnant, but I have a healthy baby growing inside me, this woman has lost her precious baby - give her a break - she just wants you to see the beauty she has created.
Reply to txt of photo - Yes! Comment on how beautiful the baby is (all babies are!)
Calling over before your baby is born? Call over yourself without pregnant partner - offer sympathies and let them know ye are there for them both.
After baby? Let her take the lead on this one. She will most probably txt to congratulate - don't send a pic unless she asks for one. She will if she genuinely wants to see the baby.

Don't think you could get better advice than this.

minibear

Very sad for the parents and family concerned. You've received some very good advice from people on the thread and I'm glad that others have pointed out the very bad advice given also.

I would echo some of the ideas, cook something for them that can be frozen if necessary. (food, or grocery shopping for that matter, will not be very high on their priority list at the moment) Ask them if there's anything you can help with or that they need. A heartfelt note or card would be nice because it is something that can be kept in a memory box for years to come. After I lost my baby (stillbirth at full term) I received some sympathy cards from friends and family and they actually meant an awful lot to me. I didn't want to see anyone but the knowledge that they were thinking about us was really appreciated.

Don't expect a lot of interaction for the foreseeable future but please don't take it personally. For a long time, it was incredibly difficult for me to see mothers and babies, pregnant women, even seeing baby clothes in department stores had me in tears.

It would be good if you make a note of the date the baby was born and next year acknowledge it in some way with this couple. Whether it's in person if you happen to be speaking to them, or a card or if you feel it appropriate a gift of a sapling is lovely. I received several trees and I love them.

So many people don't know how to speak to someone who has suffered the loss of a baby. I would say take a cue from the parents. If they wish to talk about their baby then listen, ask questions and let them talk. Sometimes people think that by mentioning the baby that it will upset them more. It won't. They are grieving parents, nothing more, nothing less. The only way you could upset them is by saying something rude and insensitive some of which have already been mentioned, like trying again.

Regarding the text message with the photo of the baby. It may have been a little unsettling to have it there so unexpectedly. It was a while before I shared my photos and only then with a couple of close friends. But parents with living children have a lifetime to make memories and take photos. When your baby dies you have a few hours or days and that's it. Some parents don't even know if they want to take photos because it seems morbid but the photos are what you have of the child's time on this earth, whether they are living or dead, and they can bring huge comfort to the parents in the years ahead.

Sometimes the focus is on the mother, but the father is grieving just as much and his grief is often almost overlooked.

There's probably more I could say but can't think of right now. It's really good that you're asking the questions here though, it might help other people in future.