Won't move out

GinaI

Hi, I am living in the same house with a father of my child.We were never married, but his name is on my child's birth certificate. Our relationship doesn't work out, but he refuses to leave the house and find himself a different accommodation. He says he can not afford it. I pay the rent and the bills. As we live at the same address I can not claim a one parent tax credit ( I am in the full-time employment). He is after losing his job now and I'm afraid Department of Social protection will want to include my earnings into consideration when calculating his jobseeker benefit. They consider cohibiting couple as a family, where Revenue doesn't! He wasn't able to afford an separate accommodation when he was employed. There is no way he will move out now when he is unemployed. We have separate bank accounts. I don't want to support him when he is unemployed. I think I am punished enough to pay rent for the whole house and not being able to get a tax credit I am entitled to. I can not rent another house for myself as my current rent is lower than average in the area. Is there any way I can prove to DSP that I am not his partner!?

Ken.

Mod-I've moved your post to a new thread Gina. It'll get buried otherwise.

On to your situation. If you are only renting could you not move. I know it would disrupt your child but in the long run you might be better off.

punisher5112

Kick him out.

Why would you have him in your house.

Up to him to provide maintenance for his child.

Speedwell

ken wrote: »

Mod-I've moved your post to a new thread Gina. It'll get buried otherwise.

On to your situation. If you are only renting could you not move. I know it would disrupt your child but in the long run you might be better off.

Ken, she said she can't do that as her rent is affordable for her now but other places are more than she can afford, especially given the fact that he is not contributing. Is there really no way for her to get him moved on? The only way she could conceivably afford a new place is if the deadbeat was paying child support, which calculate the odds on that.

I suppose it really comes down to whether both their names are on the lease and whether that matters given that he isn't contributing.

Withering

Is he named on the tenancy agreement?

Ken.

Speedwell wrote: »

Ken, she said she can't do that as her rent is affordable for her now but other places are more than she can afford, especially given the fact that he is not contributing. Is there really no way for her to get him moved on? The only way she could conceivably afford a new place is if the deadbeat was paying child support, which calculate the odds on that.

I suppose it really comes down to whether both their names are on the lease and whether that matters given that he isn't contributing.

I read every line except the last one. My bad.

GinaI

yes, both of our names are on tenancy agreement. I don't want any maintenance from him.

punisher5112

GinaI wrote: »

yes, both of our names are on tenancy agreement. I don't want any maintenance from him.

Get in touch with threshold and ask advice.
Also consider speaking with LL.

enzo roco

punisher5112 wrote: »

Kick him out.

Why would you have him in your house.

Up to him to provide maintenance for his child.

Hold on there. They are both tenants.
We dont know anything.
How old is the child? Is the child school going age???
What does this man do since he has no job? Does he take care of the child while you are working?
Has this man ever paid rent?
You need to explain this to the landlord.
When you two started renting the house, was he paying the rent then?

There is loads we dont know, ridiculous to say "kick him out".

Edit: They are both tenants. So, what Punisher5112 says above.

FortySeven

GinaI wrote: »

yes, both of our names are on tenancy agreement. I don't want any maintenance from him.

Then he has a legal right to remain. Changing the locks or otherwise 'kicking him out' counts as trespass and can land you in trouble.

punisher5112

If its the story she said I wouldn't have someone staying with me while I pay all.

punisher5112

FortySeven wrote: »

Then he has a legal right to remain. Changing the locks or otherwise 'kicking him out' counts as trespass and can land you in trouble.

Problem is from what's been told is he contributes nothing. Seems best option would be to discuss with LL and maybe consider moving.

FortySeven

punisher5112 wrote: »

Problem is from what's been told is he contributes nothing. Seems best option would be to discuss with LL and maybe consider moving.

The landlord is also contractually bound by the tenancy agreement and cannot force him out. Unfortunately her only option seems to be to move. It is unfortunate that this is the law but that is how it is. The tax credit and one less consumer of utilities will at least help a bit with the increased rent payments.

jimmycrackcorm

I agree with this. The landlord can't unilaterally kick him out as a tenant and the lease is likely to have equally and severable liability.

The only option is to move.

Edit, meant to say that OPs income shouldn't affect his JSB initially on the basis that having paid prsi he shouldn't be means tested. When he goes to JSA then it's a different story.

GinaI

Thank you everyone for advice. I feel trapped and I don’t have anyone to turn for help. In relation to the question “what does the man do?” He DRINKS! I bring my child to school and collect from a babysitter. To be able to afford to rent a different house I will have to move 50-100 km further down the country and travel this distance to work every day. If this the only option, I will have to consider this. Still it will be difficult to find a landlord who will accept a single parent family with a child and a dog in current rental market. But as for a father of my child, where he is going to find an accommodation with no money or no job? He will simply follow me. I can’t discuss it with a landlord. What he will do? It’s a perfect reason for him to kick us out and get decent tenants paying higher rent. Sorry, for not expressing myself clear. The whole situation is so embarrassing and I’ve been keeping putting on a smiley face and facing the world for a long time. My job is very demanding but I feel I can’t keep up. I’ve gone to GP with a stress issue but didn’t get any help at all. I was just advised to meditate and a get a self-help book form the library. If you ask me why I allowed this situation to happen – for the same reason as million of women living with bullies: personal weakness, low self-esteem, ignoring important signs, hoping for the best….

Speedwell

GinaI wrote: »

Thank you everyone for advice. I feel trapped and I don’t have anyone to turn for help. In relation to the question “what does the man do?” He DRINKS! I bring my child to school and collect from a babysitter. To be able to afford to rent a different house I will have to move 50-100 km further down the country and travel this distance to work every day. If this the only option, I will have to consider this. Still it will be difficult to find a landlord who will accept a single parent family with a child and a dog in current rental market. But as for a father of my child, where he is going to find an accommodation with no money or no job? He will simply follow me. I can’t discuss it with a landlord. What he will do? It’s a perfect reason for him to kick us out and get decent tenants paying higher rent. Sorry, for not expressing myself clear. The whole situation is so embarrassing and I’ve been keeping putting on a smiley face and facing the world for a long time. My job is very demanding but I feel I can’t keep up. I’ve gone to GP with a stress issue but didn’t get any help at all. I was just advised to meditate and a get a self-help book form the library. If you ask me why I allowed this situation to happen – for the same reason as million of women living with bullies: personal weakness, low self-esteem, ignoring important signs, hoping for the best….

Many of us have been there. The key is to understand why and to forgive yourself and move on. If you can get a rental in your own name, he cannot force his way in. If you allow him in anyway, you can later choose to let him go to make his own mistakes without involving you and your child. If he is abusive, you can talk to agencies that help people living with abuse (you can talk to them anyway just to talk and figure out what issues you are facing; they understand and know of help you can get). From what you are telling us, you are at least being financially abused, and who knows what the man does when he's full. If you discuss it with your landlord, the landlord will probably see you as trying to make things better by getting rid of the problem person. The LL could eventually kick both of you out for his problems anyway, so be proactive and don't let this turn into an unsolvable problem for you. It's natural to worry about what will happen to your man after you've turned him loose. He'll sink like a stone at first, of course. But you'll rise like a balloon.

I don't know what the law is here for taking personal time for a personal issue. In the US, if you notify your employer that you are dealing with depression and overwhelm (which you likely are) or another disability for which you need reasonable accommodation to do your job, they cannot fire you or demote you or deny you the accommodation you need. I am certain the protections are even greater here. You should ask Citizens Information how you can protect your job as you work through your issues and get back on your feet.

Mindfulness meditation is good, though; don't look down on it. It will absolutely help you cope with and get rid of unwanted thoughts, feelings, and habits. EFT "tapping" is free, simple, and surprisingly effective, too, especially in times of severe stress and panic. Associate as much as you can with functional people for whom life is going well. And best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I was in a similar position 10 years ago. You need to look after our child & you & not worry about your ex.
If you ex is drinking at home is front of the child then you need to get the child away from living with him.

You are allowing him to control you & nothing will change unless you change it, so if the only option is to move, then for your own mental health do it.
So many people stay in a situation because they are scared of the unknown.

My unknown gave me back my sanity. If you cannot find a house that takes pets then ask a friend to take it.( at the moment that is the least of your worry's)

Children pick up on stress. If you need advise then talk to COPE.

GinaI

I don't think there is any kind of protection for dealing with depression. GP even didn't give me a sick note for 3 days.

Speedwell

GinaI wrote: »

I don't think there is any kind of protection for dealing with depression. GP even didn't give me a sick note for 3 days.

I think you should check into it with the official people who know about such things instead of accepting defeat without checking into it. If you come back and say that you were told "sorry, companies in Ireland are free to fire employees who notify them of a temporary illness or disability", then we can work with that information.

FortySeven

You have nothing to be ashamed of or to be embarrassed about. You are showing remarkable strength in dealing with the issue you find yourself with.

Have you tried to get your other half help with his alcohol problem? You may find the man you once loved is still there. I assume he wasn't this way when you met him?

If your relationship is too far gone for recovery then I'm afraid you may have to get legal if he is abusive. A barring order will have him removed from the house if you can show evidence of abuse but this would be a last resort and can lead to escalation especially with alcohol involved.

I used to be like your partner before I got sober. I know what you are going through and I will tell you this. It will get worse whether you act or whether you don't. Best to act now and get it over with. Best of luck.

punisher5112

Have you any family op?

Horrible situation to be in.
How well would you get on with LL as it may be an option to move (not really move)
But start a new lease move for few days to family and then back.

I am sure if you are paying on time and look after property I see no reason why LL would push you out.

As I said contact threshold they are good with anything to do with rentals.

Has there been any abuse or physical contact then you need to involve the Gardai.

I would not tolerate any of this for one second off anyone

GinaI

Thank you all for helping me to sort out my thoughts. I am not using this forum often, so I don't really know how to quote or to add thanks. I appreciate it a lot.

ecoangel

Hi OP,
I was in a relationship for 14 years to an alcoholic (married for 6 of these); He was abusive to the children and me for the most part of the relationship, which came to a head last May when I had to move out of the house with my 3 children, one of whom was doing her leaving cert a month later!. I was the only one earning fulltime and we had a joint mortgage. I had safety and protection orders against him and he still would not leave! The best support I received was from DVR, they were there for me during the entire process. I got back into my house the week before Christmas 2015.

Ken.

ecoangel wrote: »

Hi OP,
I was in a relationship for 14 years to an alcoholic (married for 6 of these); He was abusive to the children and me for the most part of the relationship, which came to a head last May when I had to move out of the house with my 3 children, one of whom was doing her leaving cert a month later!. I was the only one earning fulltime and we had a joint mortgage. I had safety and protection orders against him and he still would not leave! The best support I received was from DVR, they were there for me during the entire process. I got back into my house the week before Christmas 2015.

DVR? Google doesn't offer anything except dvd players.

Stheno

ken wrote: »

DVR? Google doesn't offer anything except dvd players.

Galway based group called domestic violence response

Jessme

Hi, I have been in this position very recently. Not married, renting, one child, relationship breakdown. You can't force him to leave the rented property as long as both of your names are on the lease (unless you get a barring order if he is abusive towards you/your child). In the end I had to move out. I had to take my daughter (2 years old) out of her home because he wouldn't move, and I found us a new place together. I don't earn very much and with the deposit and the first month's rent I was completely broke. But it has been so worth it. I no longer have to dread going home in the evening. Our house is our own and I'mso much happier. My daughter seems happy too (fingers crossed).
I know it's easier said then done but if you can at all, move out. It will be such a release for you.
As regards depression, your GP can absolutely sign you off work if you have depression. That's up to your own personal level

Jessme

(Sorry - phone posted before I was finished). It depends on how bad the levels of depression are before your GP would be comfortable in signing you off work. I couldn't face the world, quite frankly, and so couldn't go to work for a while.
Anyway, I want to wish you the best of luck and the strength to keep on going. Make the leap. You won't regret it.