Thinking about an ex.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Want to go anon for this. I want to see if anyone here has been in a similar situation before.


Back in 2011 I was with a girl for a year and a half. We met through college and basically lived together beside the college for the guts of a year. Did everything together and continued our relationship after college for another while and broke up eventually over reasons I won't get into. I loved her to bits and found it very hard to get over her (probably aren't 100% over her to be honest).

After we broke up I was single for maybe 6/7 months ontil I found my current GF. We're together over 2 now and for the most part its great.

Last night I had dreams about my ex, about meeting her family again and everyone getting on, about how we missed each other etc. I feel so guilty for even thinking about it. I woke up with the ''butterflies'' (!) . I can honestly say I loved her a lot more than I do my currrent GF.

I decided to look her up on Facebook this morning (bad idea , I know) and she looks amazing, even better than before. Strangly enough she is just in a new relationship from last week and the first thing I thought was I hope the lad treats her well, she's a great girl.

I don't really know why I'm writting this, maybe to clear the head a little, any opinions or views would be appreciated.

Thanks

batmanrobin

Maybe you're not truly happy in your current relationship and you're trying to fabricate reasons why you shouldn't be with her?

Could be a case of grass is always greener.

The relationship with your ex ended, so it can't have been all that great. You'd still be together if it was.

You don't sound overly happy with your current gf, so for her sake, end the relationship. She deserves someone who isn't more in love with their ex then they are with her.

Find yourself someone you're truly happy with. It's not either of these two.

LegacyUser

Yes I know how it is.
Few days ago my ex who I loved very much turned up on my door. We were together 4 years but broke up as things were not going well but I loved him regardless.
In a meanwhile I had two other relationships but would end them after few months. I just did not love the lads and didn't want to give them false hopes. I believe the truth is, I still love my ex, even I am fully aware we will never be together again.
Not sure what to do about it, to try to fall in love again, you cannot force that so, I guess, I'm pretty much dependent on luck at this stage.
And ready to be single for the rest of my life.

I wish you get over your ex and really fall in love with some other girl, and manage to be happy again. It even can be your current gf, perhaps re think that relationship before make any moves...

bluetomato

If you'd just posted about this dream and checking out what she's up to on facebook afterwards and having conflicted feelings then that would be one thing! Those type of dreams can be a total killer and play on your mind for a while but the fact that you said you can honestly say you loved her a whole lot more than you do your current girlfriend is a whole other thing.

That's not fair on your current girlfriend, you say when you checked your ex girlfriends facebook page and saw she was in a relationship the first thing you thought was you hope this lad treats her well because she's a great girl, you should want the same (more actually) for your current girlfriend, I'm not saying you don't treat her well but she should be with someone who is going to love her more than they ever loved anyone else!

jus_tin4

All that can be said is above really. Been in the same boat as you, but was a longer relationship. On my side it was a serious relationship going somewhere, but some personal stuff happened and she decided to walk away.

The only thing you should do IMO, is be on your own until you can, I guess, love them for being them and not something to fill that gap... maybe thats a bit harsh but it seems that way a little...

The best thing you can prob do is break up with your current GF as you said you don't completely love her....

Take the time to enjoy your own company and living life!

pookie82

Quick question ... do you often think about your ex? Wonder what she's up to, wish you could text her, etc. etc.? Or was this all brought about by a dream?

Dreams about people can be really funny things, I'm sure you've seen the memes about dreaming that you've had a row with your boyfriend and waking up angry with him in real life, etc. They can feel very "real", like you've actually just spent time with that person. The feeling can last a day or two before it fades. In some ways it's a bit like you ran into her in the street or something.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if a weird dream is making you think about her for 48 hrs, that's not that unusual. If,however, you find yourself wondering about her a lot, you're probably not over her.

It's not very encouraging to hear you loved her more than you love your current gf. That part would have me reassessing what's in front of me, if I were you. It's not fair on this girl to make her second-place by default. She deserves to be with someone who loves her like you loved your ex.

I think you should talk to her about how you're feeling and see what comes of that. Might be time to let her down gently.

Be wary, too, of placing your ex on a pedestal in your head which means no one after can ever match up. There must be good and valid reasons that you broke up. There must have been bad times and downsides to her character or how you gelled together. I would try to focus on those aspects of it when you find your mind wandering to her.

hullaballoo

Look a dream is a dream and the feelings they can stir up inside us can feel extremely real but there is a reason you and your ex broke up and it wasn't because you both loved each other too much.

Also, your ex looks so great now because you're looking at her with the tint of the dream you had about her. It is also quite normal that when you're missing her, you're missing the really good bits of your relationship and probably totally disregarding the bad bits that mean she is now your ex.

You'll need to take some time to figure out whether this dream and the attendant feelings mean the end for your current relationship but I highly doubt they mean that you have fallen back in love with your ex.

LegacyUser

Firstly, I think everyone's experience of love is unique to them, it has to be because it is such a subjective experience so no one here can really tell you what any of it means.

That being said, I empathise, very strongly, with you.

I think people, men particularly, have a tendency to have a "One that got away" and we can create wholly unrealistic views of these exes. You have forgotten the things that used to annoy you about her, which is natural. This is an unfortunate trait, but not an uncommon one. The reality is ye broke up for a reason and if it hadn't been that you'd have reached this point with her too because relationship tend to repeat themselves (partially due to traits we learn as very young children, it's that deeply ingrained).

At the same time, you probably have a small but of the "grass is always greener" syndrome going on. If you weren't looking back at your ex you'd be looking at a co-worker or someone else. It is very easy to assume every other (or any other) relationship is better, or every other couple is more in love etc.

I firmly believe the above two cliches (One that got away, the grass is always greener) are so prevalent because they are very common human emotions, particularly for men (though maybe I think that because most of my friends are male). You are at the point in your relationship where you have decide to really commit to your partner or to walk away (and perhaps in 6 months time you'll mis-remember her as you now mis-remember your ex), so you are experiencing the doubts that come with that maybe?

All that said, you are a young man, maybe you should head out on your own for a bit and sow your wild oats (another true cliche perhaps?) and work it out of your system?

For what it's worth (and you might discount all my advice based on this) I have a tendency to idealise the past, and that includes relationships so I have to fight very hard against that emotion, as I said, it's all subjective.

zcorpian88

In a similar situation myself, had a really awful break up at the end of 2014, spent pretty much all of 2015 in a major depression over it, I even told the jist of the story on here once or twice, there were a lot of problems on her end and I didn't want to break it off but I felt really forced to because a PhD she was doing at the time took over the very little time we spend with each other and she had a lot of issues (they are really complex and I won't get into it because it's too long of a story) about not wanting to start a family down the road and I figured she would change her mind, that issue poked at me for a few months.

When I go on about my ex the story always tends to get a bit long but I'll just start with the reason I ended it was I was feeling increasingly pushed away because of her work ethic which was constant and she wouldn't come to see me for my birthday get together, a week before my birthday she threw some DVDs at me for it and went straight back to her laptop and announced she "Couldn't come down for it" because she was busy with doing data" I didn't even want presents off her, a bit of companionship would have been enough, I was disappointed but I let it go thinking she knew me well enough to know she would have to make it up to me, because I do like to have the important people in my life to be around to mark the day. I always spoiled her rotten for hers, she wouldn't want for anything. But for my birthday I spend it out with friends and getting looks of pity from my whole friend circle because she wouldn't come down.

I head up to her the following week and it's the same story, working all day and most of the night, barely blinking an eyelid at me before heading to bed at 11.30 on a Saturday night while I sit there thinking "What the f**k?" I also made a number of advances towards her for intimacy/sex and it wasn't happening or happened in general for about 5 weeks, I'll also highlight I lived a significant distance away from her so yeah I started to get peeved after making a journey to spend time with her. Basically my head began to spin and I felt like she wasn't valuing the relationship anywhere near as much as me.

I wasn't going to bring up the "children down the road thing" till after Christmas (being November at the time) but after she just wouldn't spend any adequate time with me, didn't apologize for passing on coming down for my birthday and not even having the decency to make it up, it just made me feel very unwanted and unappreciated, never had anyone treat me that way and it really hurt being put in second place to her PhD constantly. So I with the proverbial gun to my head, broke up with her for the reasons highlighted above and I spent the whole of the following months depressed including Christmas, New Year, Valentines Day, what would have been our 2nd anniversary the week after, her birthday which was a few months later and any other relevant date I knew that was somewhat important. She comes to my locality (which is a rare thing) in June then for a comedy festival and she brought some fella with her and stayed in what kind of would be my families local pub which is also a B&B, which is near my house. I was out of town for part of that weekend and went to Slane for a gig and had some relief that I wouldn't bump into her if I had to go out, when I returned home I wouldn't set foot outside in case I'd have the awkwardness of bumping into her. My friends who hung out with her that weekend didn't like whatever guy she was with, which I have to say made me a little bit happy.

Anyway I made an attempt to move on and got with somebody else in September, and didn't make it really official until January and I know that is a really long time, she is quite the opposite, not as academic, her personality can be a little rough for me, she's a smoker which I have to admit I hate, her family are a bit much to be around at times, her sisters aren't the brightest tools in the box and they say a lot of stupid shyte that rattles my cage but I block them out most of the time, I don't get the same spark I got from my ex and I really don't think I ever will get that same spark that I had with her during the happier times. She is really into me though for all sorts of reasons. Can't see it lasting, maybe I'm stringing her along because the break-up had an awful affect on me and I just going through the motions because I had been rotting away for too long over it between periods of being busy with other stuff going on with me, I joined a gym just so I could concentrate on something else other than feeling hard done by from being put into the position of ending it. Also I can relate to the dreams to OP, I still have dreams of my ex too, I had two this week that I remember anyway, they seem to be short and vivid really.

batmanrobin

zcorpian88 wrote: »

very long post.

Yes you are stringing her along. Stop being such a selfish git and break up with her. You don't even sound like you like her, ffs! Never ceases to amaze me how people will use others to work out their emotional crap and not give a damn who they might hurt. She's not a prop! She's a human being.

CaraMay

zcorpian88 wrote: »

In a similar situation myself, had a really awful break up at the end of 2014, spent pretty much all of 2015 in a major depression over it, I even told the jist of the story on here once or twice, there were a lot of problems on her end and I didn't want to break it off but I felt really forced to because a PhD she was doing at the time took over the very little time we spend with each other and she had a lot of issues (they are really complex and I won't get into it because it's too long of a story) about not wanting to start a family down the road and I figured she would change her mind, that issue poked at me for a few months.

When I go on about my ex the story always tends to get a bit long but I'll just start with the reason I ended it was I was feeling increasingly pushed away because of her work ethic which was constant and she wouldn't come to see me for my birthday get together, a week before my birthday she threw some DVDs at me for it and went straight back to her laptop and announced she "Couldn't come down for it" because she was busy with doing data" I didn't even want presents off her, a bit of companionship would have been enough, I was disappointed but I let it go thinking she knew me well enough to know she would have to make it up to me, because I do like to have the important people in my life to be around to mark the day. I always spoiled her rotten for hers, she wouldn't want for anything. But for my birthday I spend it out with friends and getting looks of pity from my whole friend circle because she wouldn't come down.

I head up to her the following week and it's the same story, working all day and most of the night, barely blinking an eyelid at me before heading to bed at 11.30 on a Saturday night while I sit there thinking "What the f**k?" I also made a number of advances towards her for intimacy/sex and it wasn't happening or happened in general for about 5 weeks, I'll also highlight I lived a significant distance away from her so yeah I started to get peeved after making a journey to spend time with her. Basically my head began to spin and I felt like she wasn't valuing the relationship anywhere near as much as me.

I wasn't going to bring up the "children down the road thing" till after Christmas (being November at the time) but after she just wouldn't spend any adequate time with me, didn't apologize for passing on coming down for my birthday and not even having the decency to make it up, it just made me feel very unwanted and unappreciated, never had anyone treat me that way and it really hurt being put in second place to her PhD constantly. So I with the proverbial gun to my head, broke up with her for the reasons highlighted above and I spent the whole of the following months depressed including Christmas, New Year, Valentines Day, what would have been our 2nd anniversary the week after, her birthday which was a few months later and any other relevant date I knew that was somewhat important. She comes to my locality (which is a rare thing) in June then for a comedy festival and she brought some fella with her and stayed in what kind of would be my families local pub which is also a B&B, which is near my house. I was out of town for part of that weekend and went to Slane for a gig and had some relief that I wouldn't bump into her if I had to go out, when I returned home I wouldn't set foot outside in case I'd have the awkwardness of bumping into her. My friends who hung out with her that weekend didn't like whatever guy she was with, which I have to say made me a little bit happy.

Anyway I made an attempt to move on and got with somebody else in September, and didn't make it really official until January and I know that is a really long time, she is quite the opposite, not as academic, her personality can be a little rough for me, she's a smoker which I have to admit I hate, her family are a bit much to be around at times, her sisters aren't the brightest tools in the box and they say a lot of stupid shyte that rattles my cage but I block them out most of the time, I don't get the same spark I got from my ex and I really don't think I ever will get that same spark that I had with her during the happier times. She is really into me though for all sorts of reasons. Can't see it lasting, maybe I'm stringing her along because the break-up had an awful affect on me and I just going through the motions because I had been rotting away for too long over it between periods of being busy with other stuff going on with me, I joined a gym just so I could concentrate on something else other than feeling hard done by from being put into the position of ending it. Also I can relate to the dreams to OP, I still have dreams of my ex too, I had two this week that I remember anyway, they seem to be short and vivid really.

An incredibly long post given you aren't the op and you are still clearly onto your ex. You need to stop seeing this girl. It's incredibly unfair.

tomwaits48

why did it end in the first place?

Ursus Horribilis

@zcorpian88. Did you ever go for professional help? I've read these long long passages about your ex on boards several times. I don't think you are in any fit state to be dating anybody. Your current girlfriend doesn't sound like she's a good match for you at all. You should end it with her and get help to get over your ex.

Lavinia

I had last night a dream of my ex... how my new bf killed him, and I am covering his body with some white material, when he suddenly comes back to life and I am saying his name starting to kiss him and crying that he is alive, figuring his injuries are not at all serious and feeling so releived and happy about it...
I have no clue what would be the meaning of a dream like this... but it really can trigger lots of emotions...

edit: just thought to share this OP so you know you are not alone... I wish I know the answer but I accepted my situation and am learning to live with it. I presume there is no point in fighting the feelings, it will not solve anything. But also not stay fixed on that, so trying to move on the best I can... Hope you will too...

sharkey 25

Lavinia wrote: »

I had last night a dream of my ex... how my new bf killed him, and I am covering his body with some white material, when he suddenly comes back to life and I am saying his name starting to kiss him and crying that he is alive, figuring his injuries are not at all serious and feeling so releived and happy about it...
I have no clue what would be the meaning of a dream like this... but it really can trigger lots of emotions...

Funnily enough I had a dream about my ex last night. I'm not in a relationship now but it can be quite disturbing. It's brought a lot of emotions to the forefront but at the sametime I don't think it's worth over analysing

But certainly was powerful not something I'd like to dream about on a regular basis

dudara

Posters - please focus on helping the OP by offering constructive, specific advice. Anything else is off topic.

dudara

beks101

anon10101 wrote: »

I can honestly say I loved her a lot more than I do my currrent GF.

I'd be gutted if my OH ever thought this about an ex. I'd be thinking, why waste two years of my life trying to recreate this person in me that you never got over?

I think for her sake you need to not waste any more of her time and call it quits. Two years is long enough. She doesn't deserve to be a consolation prize, to be second best, to never be quite good enough for you.

Just like your ex, she deserves respect and love from a guy and by even feeling this way you don't sound like the guy to give it to her.