Can a big commitment fear be resolved......just like that

LegacyUser

So, I was "involved" with someone for over 4 years.

We tried a relationship, he was crap - blamed his fear of commitment and desire to go off traveling at some point in his life. He hated his job which was a huge commitment, he resented buying his property (huge commitment) and literally couldn't make a plan more than 4 hours ahead of time. He'd disappear or go quiet for days and Everything about this guy was driven by a terror of settling down. We always found our way back to each other and I was genuinely in love with him. I realised his issues and by leaving him off and accepting it wasn't a relationship and probably wouldn't be for a long time - we just kept going. This however was a breach of my own boundaries and I would ask him to go, and he would, and he always came back. I used to tell him, "One day you'll see it" He'd dismiss that, get uncomfortable, that was more than he could deal with.

So, as you can imagine a good few years of this leads to a lot of elephants in the room.

Without labouring the details he ended up in a relationship, a real relationship, with someone else (whilst still seeing me). When I found out I was devastated, he claimed we had too much water under the bridge and if we were to give things a go it would be more significant. She meant nothing, would be easier to break up with, he didn't even like her, they didn't sleep together. **** hit the fan, we fell out. Shortly after they broke up too.

Now, 4 months down the line, he seems to have had some epiphany and wants to buy a house and have kids and he feels I know him better than he knows himself. I allowed him back in to my life as a friend and have myself been reluctant to question what he wants from me as I'm not sure I am even remotely ready to make a call on what I want from the situation; if I could trust him again, if I could ever relax etc etc.

I figured there was a chance he was just trying to reap the old benefits of before but he's behaving totally A-Sexual around me, this threw me, I was ready for that fight. When I expressed my concerns about our new found friendship (where I've basically seen him nearly every night for the last 2 weeks, he stays in touch constantly and is calling and texting me all the time) he said "I've done a lot of damage" "Obviously there is chemistry there but I'm killing that part for now so we can properly investigate what's underneath" "We might end up just being really good friends"

In other ways he's acting like a different person, calm, happy, not full of hatred for the debt of his apartment or his frustrations at work. He seems more chilled than ever before.

Just wondering if it's even possible for someone to change this much or am I being a total idiot?

Thanks

LegacyUser

OP the picture you painted of this guy reminded me a little of the character Dean Moriarty in 'On the Road'. He goes back to his wife and children until he gets the itch to go off again. In the end after it all he does finally go back to his wife and children. Who wants to waste a huge chunk of their life with somebody like that just waiting and waiting to see will they finally settle down? You have already experienced 4 years of this man's behaviour. You are somebody who is secure and familiar to him and my guess is that's why he keeps going back to you. Has he finally reached the point of wanting to settle down? Who knows. He probably doesn't know himself. I suppose the question is why would you want to continue this type of relationship. What are you getting out of all this?

Emme

figuringout121 wrote: »

So, I was "involved" with someone for over 4 years.

We tried a relationship, he was crap - blamed his fear of commitment and desire to go off traveling at some point in his life. He hated his job which was a huge commitment, he resented buying his property (huge commitment) and literally couldn't make a plan more than 4 hours ahead of time. He'd disappear or go quiet for days and Everything about this guy was driven by a terror of settling down. We always found our way back to each other and I was genuinely in love with him. I realised his issues and by leaving him off and accepting it wasn't a relationship and probably wouldn't be for a long time - we just kept going. This however was a breach of my own boundaries and I would ask him to go, and he would, and he always came back. I used to tell him, "One day you'll see it" He'd dismiss that, get uncomfortable, that was more than he could deal with.

So, as you can imagine a good few years of this leads to a lot of elephants in the room.

Without labouring the details he ended up in a relationship, a real relationship, with someone else (whilst still seeing me). When I found out I was devastated, he claimed we had too much water under the bridge and if we were to give things a go it would be more significant. She meant nothing, would be easier to break up with, he didn't even like her, they didn't sleep together. **** hit the fan, we fell out. Shortly after they broke up too.

Now, 4 months down the line, he seems to have had some epiphany and wants to buy a house and have kids and he feels I know him better than he knows himself. I allowed him back in to my life as a friend and have myself been reluctant to question what he wants from me as I'm not sure I am even remotely ready to make a call on what I want from the situation; if I could trust him again, if I could ever relax etc etc.

I figured there was a chance he was just trying to reap the old benefits of before but he's behaving totally A-Sexual around me, this threw me, I was ready for that fight. When I expressed my concerns about our new found friendship (where I've basically seen him nearly every night for the last 2 weeks, he stays in touch constantly and is calling and texting me all the time) he said "I've done a lot of damage" "Obviously there is chemistry there but I'm killing that part for now so we can properly investigate what's underneath" "We might end up just being really good friends"

In other ways he's acting like a different person, calm, happy, not full of hatred for the debt of his apartment or his frustrations at work. He seems more chilled than ever before.

Just wondering if it's even possible for someone to change this much or am I being a total idiot?

Thanks

You spent 4 years of your life with this guy not knowing if he was coming or going. Then he cheated on you. Now he's back again but won't touch you. Is he in a relationship with someone else and not telling you? He could be telling the other person he's working late.

Whatever it is I think you should walk away. Don't let him waste any more of your time or wreck your head any more.

CaraMay

Oh no op you see way better than this. The last post summarised it perfectly. Run and don't look back. People do not change in 4 months.

LegacyUser

figuringout121 wrote: »

Without labouring the details he ended up in a relationship, a real relationship, with someone else (whilst still seeing me).

If he was still seeing you, then he wasn't in a "real" relationship. That speaks volumes about what you think a relationship consists of and demonstrates clearly what he thinks of relationships and what he thinks of you. The best that can be said is that your views aren't compatible. More accurately though, you should have more respect for yourself than to be tolerating such low standards. I suggest you cut your ties and put some work into examining why you'd allow yourself to be treated like that. If that seems like hard work, bear in mind it'll be easier than putting up with his nonsense for another few years and having to do mental gymnastics to find even more excuses for why you'd put up with it.

batmanrobin

Cut him loose, OP - he's a dead weight and he's only gonna drag you down. 4 years?!? Do you really want to tack on another 4? Look at how poorly he behaves towards women. Don't set the bar so low for yourself. I'd say it's less to do with commitment issues and more to do with him being a ****!

LegacyUser

Couldn't agree more with above posters. Get out while you can op. Him bad mouthing his then girlfriend to you and saying it was nothing shows what a horrible piece of work he really is.

Run for the hills