Marriage Breakdown

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long post, a lot to try and get through. I don't know where to start with this - my marriage is on the verge of breakdown, and to say I'm devastated doesn't begin to cover it. I'm looking for any advice from people who have gone through similar situations and either got through on their own or managed to save the marriage.

My wife and I have been together over 10 years, married 4 later this year. We have 2 beautiful boys (2 & almost 5 yrs), as well as her teenage son (my stepson) from an earlier relationship. Over the last 6 months or so I noticed her becoming cold toward me and I eventually brought it up during Christmas. After much pushing she admitted that she didn't feel the same anymore, that she wasn't in love with me. We managed to get away for a night and talked it through - she said she had been feeling that way for a couple of months, and that she had felt different maybe as far back as when our second child arrived. While she said she wasn't "in love" with me, she said she does have feelings for me, if that makes sense. We agreed to give it a go for 3 months or so and see where we were then.

The main issues we were facing were not having any time for each other with family and work and the knock on effect in terms of intimacy/sex life etc. For the previous 18 months or so I had been doing a lot of travel with work (away overseas about a week in every 6) and I was working long hours at home aswell, I have no doubt this impacted us. We agreed to try and do something together at least once a week from then on, and I made a lot of changes in terms of work, going in earlier and being home earlier and cutting down on the travel. She also started to see a councilor to talk through things - she was very stressed about a lot of things.

The 3 months has now passed and last night I pushed her to talk again. I have a couple of issues with how she has approached this, I feel she has made little if any effort at all to save the marriage over the last 3 months. I organised a number of date nights and made a big effort for her birthday and for the first couple of weeks or month things seemed to be going ok, she seemed happier with things, but that didn't last, and we seem to have slipped into the old routine again. We managed to get away for a night on our own as well and she seems to be a different person when we are away - but when we get home its like she is a different person. My issue with her is that all the effort is coming from my side, not once has she suggested or organised to do anything as a couple. I'm getting the feeling she has given up before we even started to try. I can't understand how she is willing to throw it all away without really trying - this is the first time in our relationship that we have really been in trouble and I feel like she wants to cut and run rather that try and make things work.

I guess I don't know what I'm asking here, am I completely naive to think there is any chance of saving this? Has anyone here tried couples counselling or trial separation? The thought of having to tell my 5 year old that his dad is leaving is breaking my heart as well as the fact that I love my wife.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Dial Hard

You (plural) need to go to counselling. When things get as bad as you've described, it's very rare that a couple can sort it between themselves. Generally what happens is exactly what you outlined; there's a temporary improvement before things very quickly slide back to the status quo.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

You (plural) need to go to counselling. When things get as bad as you've described, it's very rare that a couple can sort it between themselves. Generally what happens is exactly what you outlined; there's a temporary improvement before things very quickly slide back to the status quo.

Thanks for the reply, she has agreed to give counselling a go, I'm not sure how committed she will be to it but I hope this will at least get her to open up. Id be interested to hear from anyone who has used counselling before.

Wesser

There are loads if threads with a similar theme and oodles of advice all over this forum. One of Late comes to mind with lawyers etc involved.... very painful.
I would suggest reading them through.
Best of luck to you and all of your family.

LegacyUser

I'm not saying your marriage is perfectly healthy, but you're catastrophising based on what you've said here. The title is marriage breakdown, but that hasn't happened and doesn't look imminent, just possible if things don't improve. You're guessing she feels like leaving, but she hasn't and that we know of she hasn't taken steps to make it happen. You're talking about how it would feel to tell your 5 year old you've split and while I've no doubt that would be a horrible thing to go through, you're a million miles from it and shouldn't even be thinking of it right now.

At the moment, she has been honest about her feelings and told you she'd go to counselling. Fair play to her. You, however, have galloped to divorce in your head after a few sticking plaster nights out didn't solve the issue when they were never going to as the fundamental issues with your relationship were left unaddressed. You've made some changes for work/life balance and fair play, but you don't say how you've used that time. Are you home more, but still doing the same things you were when you were home less? If so, it won't have made a huge difference. You need to be there, not just there.

You're speculating she doesn't have any real commitment to the counselling, but based on what you've said here, the beam is in your eye. Start with yourself, start with your role in the situation, analyse that and see how her contribution looks. Take that perspective into counselling and you've got a good starting place. If you start it thinking as you are now, I predict you'll end up wasting the time and getting a rude awakening.

strandroad

Could she simply be exhausted? You have a 2 year old boy but you were travelling or working late when he was a baby, so she had to manage the baby on her own on top of handling a 5 year old and a teenager? Sounds like a recipe for a breakdown... She might be feeling exhausted and resentful because of that.

Witchie

Have you looked at the possibility of her suffering from post-natal depression? I suffered from this but didn't realise until my baby was nearly 2 and it led to the end of my marriage. From the view point of depression the surmountable seems insurmountable and while she may (as I had) have fallen out of love with you, she may fall back in love again if she is feeling better in herself.

As the above poster said your wife has a lot on her plate with 2 wee ones and the older lad and she may feel lost and alone struggling to manage all this while you are working. She may feel, as many women do, that she should be able to cope with everything but it is not that easy. I raised my 2 boys, who were almost the same ages as yours at the time of our split, and it really is not easy. She is effectively doing that with your work load taking you away.

Is there any way to cut back your work hours slightly so that she doesn't feel as alone? Can you help her get some support from family or friends to help with childcare just to give her a break from time to time and also so that you both can go out together and enjoy a date night.

I think counselling is your first port of call as that will help her to see that she doesn't have to do everything on her own, that you love her and will support her and if there is no way back for your marriage at least some counselling might help the split to be a bit more amicable.

Best of luck and I really hope that you can both make it through this.

LegacyUser

Witchie wrote: »

Have you looked at the possibility of her suffering from post-natal depression? I suffered from this but didn't realise until my baby was nearly 2 and it led to the end of my marriage. From the view point of depression the surmountable seems insurmountable and while she may (as I had) have fallen out of love with you, she may fall back in love again if she is feeling better in herself.

As the above poster said your wife has a lot on her plate with 2 wee ones and the older lad and she may feel lost and alone struggling to manage all this while you are working. She may feel, as many women do, that she should be able to cope with everything but it is not that easy. I raised my 2 boys, who were almost the same ages as yours at the time of our split, and it really is not easy. She is effectively doing that with your work load taking you away.

Is there any way to cut back your work hours slightly so that she doesn't feel as alone? Can you help her get some support from family or friends to help with childcare just to give her a break from time to time and also so that you both can go out together and enjoy a date night.

I think counselling is your first port of call as that will help her to see that she doesn't have to do everything on her own, that you love her and will support her and if there is no way back for your marriage at least some counselling might help the split to be a bit more amicable.

Best of luck and I really hope that you can both make it through this.

Thanks for the reply. You have made a lot of good points and I think the post natal depression could be a factor. A lot has changed in the past few months, she has gone back to work part time, she had been trying for a job for a long time and this was also an issue for her I think as she was always very independent. We have sorted child care while she works the 5 days part time and I have also made changes to my own routine, as I said getting home earlier and also working from home 1 day per week, and also trying to let her have the weekends to herself. In fairness, we have a good support network to help out, and my mother and others would always make sure she had a break while I was away. I have tried to lighten the load on her as best I can. I think for 12 months or so I had tunnel vision in terms of work, but in my eyes I was trying to make sure my family had everything they needed, and obviously I lost sight of her needs during that time.

The biggest thing for me is the breakdown in communication - this improved for a while after we talked at Christmas but she seems to have gone back into her shell, at least with me. I just hope that its not too late. We are going to counselling next week - is this something you tried and if so how was it?

Witchie

Marriageadvice wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. You have made a lot of good points and I think the post natal depression could be a factor. A lot has changed in the past few months, she has gone back to work part time, she had been trying for a job for a long time and this was also an issue for her I think as she was always very independent. We have sorted child care while she works the 5 days part time and I have also made changes to my own routine, as I said getting home earlier and also working from home 1 day per week, and also trying to let her have the weekends to herself. In fairness, we have a good support network to help out, and my mother and others would always make sure she had a break while I was away. I have tried to lighten the load on her as best I can. I think for 12 months or so I had tunnel vision in terms of work, but in my eyes I was trying to make sure my family had everything they needed, and obviously I lost sight of her needs during that time.

The biggest thing for me is the breakdown in communication - this improved for a while after we talked at Christmas but she seems to have gone back into her shell, at least with me. I just hope that its not too late. We are going to counselling next week - is this something you tried and if so how was it?

While there were some similarities to your case, mine was very different. My ex was also very abusive to me and extremely charming to others. When we went to counselling he managed to flirt with counsellor and convince her that the problems all lay at my door and he was the model husband. She made me feel like I was insane. I ended up going to therapy to prove my sanity to myself and my ex while kicking him to the kerb.

I am sure my experience was very rare and that you will have a much better experience. I have gone for counselling in other matters and it has helped greatly.

I am so glad you are being so supportive to her and if your marriage can be saved, then this will be the key. I really hope you can pull through as you seem a great husband and dad.

LegacyUser

So, unfortunately the worst has happened, my wife has ended it. We went to counselling for about 7 weeks and for the first month there was a real change in her, she was open, communicating, and at times very happy...but for the last 3 weeks its like a switch went off and she just has no interest, its hard to explain how she went from being so open to being closed off again. There was a lot of resentment there over my focus on work. The counselor pushed her quite hard in that he felt there was some depression there, or something blocking her being fully open to giving the marriage a go, and also suggested a trial separation as the best option initially, but she rejected both points. There is a lot going on for her also with thyroid issues and it is only now I am starting to realise the impact this could be having on her in general...to be fair I think she is only realising this also. Certainly her GP has failed to link a lot of the symptoms she has to her known thyroid issue and the more I look into this now, I think a lot has been missed...it would explain a lot in terms of mood swings, anger and general lack of appetite for life and our marriage.

We haven't told the kids yet and we're still in the same house...the thought of telling them is horrendous. I'm heartbroken at losing the woman I love, but I know I have to accept there is probably nothing more I can do. I'm struggling to see any positives at the moment facing up to so many questions...how will the kids manage, where will I live, how will I manage financially now trying to support myself and maintain the family home aswell?

Sorry for the rambling...just needed to unload.

Xterminator

thats bad news alright.

listen, if i could give you advice now, it would be to look after yourself. its too easy to worry about all the things you cant control. your health shouldn't suffer. try to get a little me time, maybe gym sessions or walking etc. Having this alone time will help you process whats going on in your life.

see if you can agree to use a mediator to help maintain an amicable relationship while sorting out the breakup and dont jump into any big decisions; take your time.

LegacyUser

Marriageadvice wrote: »

So, unfortunately the worst has happened, my wife has ended it. We went to counselling for about 7 weeks and for the first month there was a real change in her, she was open, communicating, and at times very happy...but for the last 3 weeks its like a switch went off and she just has no interest, its hard to explain how she went from being so open to being closed off again. There was a lot of resentment there over my focus on work. The counselor pushed her quite hard in that he felt there was some depression there, or something blocking her being fully open to giving the marriage a go, and also suggested a trial separation as the best option initially, but she rejected both points. There is a lot going on for her also with thyroid issues and it is only now I am starting to realise the impact this could be having on her in general...to be fair I think she is only realising this also. Certainly her GP has failed to link a lot of the symptoms she has to her known thyroid issue and the more I look into this now, I think a lot has been missed...it would explain a lot in terms of mood swings, anger and general lack of appetite for life and our marriage.

We haven't told the kids yet and we're still in the same house...the thought of telling them is horrendous. I'm heartbroken at losing the woman I love, but I know I have to accept there is probably nothing more I can do. I'm struggling to see any positives at the moment facing up to so many questions...how will the kids manage, where will I live, how will I manage financially now trying to support myself and maintain the family home aswell?

Sorry for the rambling...just needed to unload.

Hi Op,

Im really sorry to hear that. I kind of know how you feel. Last year my wife and partner of 15 years cheated on me and ended our marriage with 3 kids. Eventually she moved out of the home, has a new place now.

I remember thinking exactly how you feel now. And almost a year on, there are still days i feel like that at times. There's not much i can do to help but just try and focus on your kids for now. Make them as happy as can be in the situation. In the end it will all work out - even though im sure you may not think that right now.

I have a very cold relationship with my ex because of the cheating. It sounds as though this is something you wont have to worry about. This is a huge positive i think - to be able to separate as two people that are not bitter towards either other will help everyone massively.

Best of luck with everything.

reeta

Marriageadvice wrote: »

So, unfortunately the worst has happened, my wife has ended it. We went to counselling for about 7 weeks and for the first month there was a real change in her, she was open, communicating, and at times very happy...but for the last 3 weeks its like a switch went off and she just has no interest, its hard to explain how she went from being so open to being closed off again. There was a lot of resentment there over my focus on work. The counselor pushed her quite hard in that he felt there was some depression there, or something blocking her being fully open to giving the marriage a go, and also suggested a trial separation as the best option initially, but she rejected both points. There is a lot going on for her also with thyroid issues and it is only now I am starting to realise the impact this could be having on her in general...to be fair I think she is only realising this also. Certainly her GP has failed to link a lot of the symptoms she has to her known thyroid issue and the more I look into this now, I think a lot has been missed...it would explain a lot in terms of mood swings, anger and general lack of appetite for life and our marriage.

We haven't told the kids yet and we're still in the same house...the thought of telling them is horrendous. I'm heartbroken at losing the woman I love, but I know I have to accept there is probably nothing more I can do. I'm struggling to see any positives at the moment facing up to so many questions...how will the kids manage, where will I live, how will I manage financially now trying to support myself and maintain the family home aswell?

Sorry for the rambling...just needed to unload.

Why do you have to move out ??

sReq | uTeK

reeta wrote: »

Why do you have to move out ??

He doesn't have to. But it's the persumed thing. Husband moves out. Kids and wife stay. Some wouldn't have it this way but I would move out.

A

LegacyUser

OP, don't make any assumptions on moving out, stay where you are. If you move out YOU have technically left your family. I think you need to move quickly and seek legal advice, see a solicitor alone IMMEDIATELY.....not to pull the trigger on separation but to ensure you know exactly what to do in certain circumstances. Do not make any further public postings here as it would work against you.
Another final bit of advice, keep calm at home even though you feel like your life is falling apart. If you wife FEELS threatened in ANY way then you will find yourself being barred from your own home. Also, what do YOU want from this, not what's best for your wife but what is best for you....then write it down and work with your solicitor on what's achievable. Stay positive and best of luck.