Scared of Relationships?

LegacyUser

Hello all. I'm hoping maybe to get an outsiders opinion on my own situation. I'm 32, female, and have never been in a relationship. Have been on dates and had a couple of 'flings' so to speak, but none of it ever came naturally to me, was just trying to do what others always seemed to be doing (i must add that i've never used anybody, or lead anyone one or anything like that, at least not that i'm aware of), but now, at 32 it's getting to the stage where i'm starting to feel like it's a tad peculiar. I would genuinely like the normal things like getting married and having a family/ stability etc, but it's not coming naturally to me at all. I'm hardly ever even attracted to anyone, although i received a lot of interest in my younger years, i never took these chances as i don't enjoy being physical with anyone unless i have feelings for them, and even then its hard. Im not touchy feely at ALL. I always seem to be able to give others advice but have no idea what to do about myself. As the years go by it seems more and more likely that the life I would have liked is never going to happen. Any thoughts? Is there ANYBODY else like this? Or is it just me? :P

LegacyUser

it doesn't sound to me like you're scared, just asexual (or partially asexual). Oftentimes people who identify as demisexual say things like "i never took these chances as i don't enjoy being physical with anyone unless i have feelings for them, and even then its hard." If you google AVEN you should find some useful information that may help you decide if this is something that applies to you

Wesser

I can understand why someone might feelLike this. I think the relationships stuff is very hard. I'mSure there's other people who feel like this too.

I think it's important to decide could you be gay and in denial , or could you be asexual? This is something to think about.

If you feel that you fancy the opposite sex, then if it's a fear issue, then this is something that can be broken down slowly, for exzmple going on dates...then kidding, then cuddling w clothes on...

I think there is someone special out there for all of us! It's important to keep at it, keep trying....

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi Wesser! (nice name!) Thanks for the input...Hmmmm. Well, I think you may be onto something when you say asexual, although I am able to have romantic feelings for men, and I do fancy guys that I fall for, I've fallen for 3 guys in 32 years, so not an awful lot haha. I'm absolutely certain i'm not into women romantically or physically, at least i haven't been so far anyway. I would consider myself Demisexual. I have had lots of experience kissing guys and have had intimate experiences with two, so am not a virgin or completely inexperienced, i think its just that i never feel a 'spark' that you're supposed to feel with people, except with one who was completely wrong for me. A few guys over the years wanted to be in a relationship with me but I didn't feel the spark with them. Somebody else's thread here slightly reminded me of one of the guys and it made me think about my own situation, and am genuinely curious, How easy/often do people find that 'spark' with someone? I think my main problem is I just can't seem to experience that. Do normal people get that a lot? Is that how people get together? Or do people just take the person who is interested in them even when they are not interested back? Sorry this is long, I am genuinely curious as it's just something that completely eludes me

beks101

I think physical attraction and this "spark" you talk about are two separate things.

Most people can be attracted to someone they've seen on the street, or even someone they don't like or aren't compatible with personality-wise. Having a spark with someone goes deeper than that. It's what attracts you after you've had an interaction with the person - it's a feeling, rather than just thinking they are sexy. If I were to describe it, I'd say it's like a feeling of knowing someone your entire life even if you've just met.

IME it's not necessarily there off the bat. It can grow out of friendship, spending time with someone and getting closer over time. Or perhaps there's an intense physical attraction before any words are spoken and then a couple of conversations/dates in, you're hooked. It's compatibility in life, beyond just thinking someone is hot. And yes, it can be rare. I'm a similar age to you and have experienced it a handful of times.

I think what's perhaps stalling you is a lack of that commonplace physical attraction that many people feel towards others in every day life which can lead to situations where you may have a 'spark' with someone. Most relationships I've had have resulted from work-place crushes or spending time with that hot guy who caught my eye at a house party etc.

That, and perhaps your lack of experience which leads to you questioning dating situations you land yourself in too much or too early, over-intellectualizing, perhaps bailing too early because the 'spark' isn't there; whereas in reality, you situation dictates that you need to know someone more and spend lots of time with them to feel that. I think your perceived demisexuality which makes physical affection or intimacy either difficult or impossible with someone you don't know very well, is perhaps at odds with a dating world where that kind of physicality is quite important. A lot of guys won't stick around for months without that because it serves as encouragement and deepens the bond and fosters closeness and is a fundamental part of the getting-to-know-you process to most people.

Equally your comfort levels are quite important and you can't compromise yourself for the sake of a relationship. I'd advise reading up a bit more about demisexuality so you have a deeper understanding of what drives you while you continue dating and meeting men.

LegacyUser

Thanks, some really insightful posts here. Beks i think a lot of what you're saying applies to me, especially the over-analysing . I have experienced that spark (or 'connection' once before, where its almost as if you undesrtand the person inside out without them having to say anything, so i do get that, but for me it only happened at most twice in my life, and even though i found them goodlooking, something held me back, although i think in those cases it was lack of trust, as they had behaved in an unreliable way to me before .(I do like to be touched when its a person im attracted to, but if not then its repulsive to me, its kind of all-or-nothing.) I suppose what im wondering is how often is normal to feel that spark/connection? Will it ever happen again? I suppose its just unfortunate that i need that in order to have desire for a person. I do need to research demisexuality a bit more. Thank you so much, guys, its really good to hear people's opinions and i do appreciate it

magneticimpulse

Are you sure you are ready for a relationship? At a stage where you want to? I just know from my own experience I can relate to everything you wrote. However I was just scared to settle down too young. I wanted to complete everything on my bucket list or at least the majority of it. Perhaps that's what has been holding you back - are there particular things or goals you want to achieve before settling down?

LegacyUser

@magneticimpulse its interesting you say that because i always used to kind of say that id rather not settle down until 30 or so because i was kind of terrified of having a child before i was ready. Not to sound melodramatic but i didn't really have much of a childhood of my own so i kind of used my late teens and 20s as a time to be carefree the way people normally would be in their childhood, maybe my lack of childhood (so to speak) has contributed to 'push things back' in a way?
@asexualhere thanks, yeah the AVEN website is really good, ive actually been on it for a few years now, it sounds weird but i was definitely more asexual-like years ago, i feel like i fall somewhere in-between now id say

CaraMay

Op have you gone to your gp? It might be worth getting hormones levels checked in case there is an imbalance which is causing it.

zoobizoo

Not everyone has been in a serious relationship before the age of 32.

To be honest, it just sounds like you've been waiting for the right guy. And by that I mean the guy who you spark with.

Do you date much or do you have opportunities to meet guys?

In terms of how often "is normal to feel that spark/connection"? - well, people are very different and the more you date, the more you come to understand where that spark comes from.

Is it looks, is it communication, is it outlook on life, is it sense of humour, intelligence, ability to chat..... and/or a combination of all of those?

Ultimately the more people you meet/date/befriend will give you a better idea of that combination.

LegacyUser

@ zoobizoo, well i meet guys fairly often, but not for dating, i don't go looking for dates, or have dating profiles or whatnot, im very lazy about it, i suppose i kind of have an attitude of ''well, if i meet someone that's great, but if i don't , i don't'', id rather just have something happen naturally if its going to happen. But i know i would be lonely if i end up alone, even though now it's ok.
@caramay, i got my blood checked out before , not sure what kind of test it was, they said they were checking for 'anything' , when i went to doctor feeling a bit faint a couple of years ago, and they said there was nothing unusual, so not sure there. Its strange because i definitely have a libido but i suppose its like i dont want just anyone. Sometimes i feel like im too 'good' for my own good, so to speak, like you can have too much integrity about things. Hang around waiting for the perfect person and you can easily end up with nothing. I feel like im taking a huge gamble where ill get either someone amazing who i do really love, or nothing at all. Its just the years going by that makes me wonder am i doing the right thing?
Sorry for the amount of posts, but i am appreciating all your thoughts. Think zoobizoo pretty much has hit the nail on the head i reckon