I feel inadequate as a Fiancee

ellejola14

Hi All,
I recently got engaged and I feel really bad that I can't bring give as much financially as my husband to be.
He's been fortunate to have lived at home up until now and work at the family business as well as having a second high earning job alongside this.
I have got myself through college without any help from my parents and have been fending for myself since I was 18.
I've had very little chance to save a whole lot as I'm always paying rent, running a car and every other expense that comes with it. I have only recently started a good salary job. He has commented a couple of times that I should have more saved in the few years Ive been working which makes me feel terrible.
He has big savings, bought a house and recently proposed to me. The house needs renovations and I feel so bad that I can't give him very much until I get my funds built up.

It's really getting me down as I can't contribute as much as he has. I do spend alot of time helping him run his own business but it just doesn't seem enough.
I'm afraid people will think I'm free loading.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

strandroad

You're not helping him run his business, you are contributing to the income from said business and it counts as your input. Tell him that. And ask for a salary or shares while you're at it.
Have you posted about him getting the house without you? Does he still come up with this crap?

CaraMay

Red flags there op that he's saying that to you. Does he talk down to you in other circumstances? Anyone with a brain would know, given your history, that it would be hard to build up big savings. Ask him to pay you for the free work you do for him and tell him you will save that money.

ellejola14

He doesn't talk down at me as such.. but does make his opinions known If you understand what I mean.
He bought this house of his own accord and I had very little input but he's included me all the way in the renovation plans etc. It's going to cost more than originally expected and now I think he knows he's taken on too much.
I at the moment can't really help as I'm doing all the wedding stuff but I still feel really bad because he's ploughed everything into it.

strandroad

I remember that thread and how bad his house decision and his attitude was. Does he expect you to pay for the renovations of his house? Who's paying for the wedding?

ellejola14

He hasn't said that I need to contribute, but he keeps bringing up the cost of things and it makes me feel awful that I can't help him.
The wedding is very small. . Both parents are contributing but I'm paying deposits for most things that needed booked.

strandroad

Looks like problem wasn't really solved then... I'd recommend to go and reread the responses on the original thread, there was plenty of quality advice given.
You're giving him free labour, pay the deposits and you're the freeloader?

CaraMay

op you are talking like someone who is in an abusive relationship. The words you are using would make me think you are very much on the back foot in this relationship. Why should you feel bad / worry about freeloading / feel terrible. You are newly engaged and should be over the moon

. I now remember the original thread and it seems like nothing had changed op. You don't seem happy and relaxed in this relationship and I cannot see why you are still in it with someone who is so clearly ungrateful

ellejola14

Im actually very happy to be engaged and we've had lots of fun in the last few weeks planning and coming up with ideas. He never complains that I don't have much to contribute and he pays the mortgage himself allowing me to save which is what I wanted and he does ask quite often if I'm ok for money . I think pressure of providing the perfect family home gets to him sometimes.

I only posted this to see if other couples went through anything similar... Like one not being able to contribute as much as the other and if how I'm feeling is common.
He knows in the long run that I'll be able to take more of the share but until then I just feel a little guilty that he's doing the most of it himself. I discussed this with my sister and she and her husband went through something similar only it was the other way around.

CaraMay

He doesn't complain but you said he has mentioned it more than once and, knowing your situation, keeps complaining about what things cost...

It's not clear if you have a problem to gets answers to or not? I'm sure some couples do go through this and some don't.

strandroad

It's normal for couples to have varied input, in fact it's rare for it to be exactly equal. But if both parties make genuine effort it's wrong to make someone feel guilty by "making their opinion known". If I remember well, your fiance still lives with his parents and bought the house without seeking your opinion, now it seems that he misjudged the costs but he's making *you* feel guilty?

Tell him to sell it and get a cheaper one together if he can't cope already...

intheclouds

Its difficult for me to distinguish if your partner is actually making you feel bad or if you are just feeling bad yourself about things.

For what its worth, Im female, and Im the higher earner. My husband moved into my apartment that Id already bought, and I pay the greater contribution to everything because I earn more.

But I dont look at things that way.

I earn A, he earns B.
A + B = C

Thats all that matters, we pay everything out of C and then split the leftovers into savings and money each and thats it. Its household income, it doesnt matter who is responsible for earning which portion of it.

Superhero1993

Imo that is lousy for him say what he did. Im only a lad in my early twenties but I know all I would care about is my future wife is happy and not make her feel **** about having nothing saved. He had an easier financial upbringing than you by the sounds of it. It's not your fault.

StupidLikeAFox

You need to sit down with your fiance and agree your inputs into the bills. Work out exactly how much is needed and then work out what is a fair amount for each of you to be paying.

For instance, when I was moving in with the OH we set up a joint account and we each put €200 per week into it which covers joint savings, rent, food, bills and we each have our own money left over to do what we like with after that.

In your case, your fiance is earning more than you so it is probably fair that you work out some sort of a 60:40 or 70:30 split to keep it fair.

The main thing is to discuss putting in place some sort of a system. It's an issue for you and seems to be an issue for him too, so you need to work it out as soon as possible before it festers and turns into something bigger

kylith

Next time he tells you that you should have saved more tell him that you could have, but you weren't living at home with mammy and daddy paying everything for you. THAT is why he has big savings: a well-paying job and no rent or bills. If we could all do that we'd all be millionaires.

Though I'd actually be telling him to get stuffed. If he's making you feel bad about your finances (and I too remember the other thread) then he's not worth your time.

StanleyOllie

Did you not write post before when your boyfriend bought house without telling you and wanted you to pay towards it... despite your name not being on anything and wanted your parents to contribute. It seems you have a lot of issues around finance. Not good foundation for marriage if you arent comfortable with each other as a team all round. Think long and hard before getting married because if there are financial issues now.... believe me they would be way way worse if you were to split.

Faith

ellejola14 wrote: »

I only posted this to see if other couples went through anything similar... Like one not being able to contribute as much as the other and if how I'm feeling is common.

My husband and I have been in that situation several times, but neither of us have ever felt particularly bad about it. So it's very common to have different incomes and levels of savings, but it's not common at all to make the lesser-earning/saving partner feel bad about it.

However, as someone else said, it's very difficult to tell whether your fiancé is making you feel this way, or whether it's just an internal thing.

SusanC10

OP - I remember your previous thread. Are you now living in the house which your fiancé has bought ? Is it still in his sole name ? Are you contributing to the Mortgage ? In the previous thread I think you were saying that he had underestimated how much the whole thing would cost and he had overextended himself a bit with the purchase? Now he seems to have underestimated how much the renovations will cost.

To be honest in general I don't feel it matters who earns what as long as you both have a similar overall outlook to finances and can agree how to manage your finances once you are married. For most couples there are swings and roundabouts. As I said before when my husband and I got engaged I was earning twice what he was, then we got married and he qualified and we earned roughly the same for a bit. Then we had kids and I worked Part-Time. Then I was made redundant and I became a Stay-at-Home Mum. Now he is the sole earner and has been promoted. But from the time we got married we pooled our finances and it all became "Ours".

I agree with the poster above who said that you should re-read the original thread and the responses there. Particularly if the situation hasn't changed and you are still not co-habiting and the house is in his sole name.