Worried about a cheating ex

ItsJustLaura

Hey. I feel like this is gonna be long so I'd like to say thanks in advance if you read this.

Ok so, I have been in a relationship since October 2014. It was a very loving and happy relationship. We talked about our future and made plans together and to be honest I thought I had found the one. During our relationship I had a bit of trouble with a girl my ex was friends with. They used to be seeing each other before me and him got together but they continued to stay friends which I wasn't happy about. But I trusted him and just dealt with the fact they were friends. Me and my ex had a few fights over this girl but we got through it. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I had a strange feeling that something was going on with my ex and when he was out of the house I checked his phone and found a lot of explicit messages between my ex and this girl. So it was clear he was cheating on me. I confronted him and he said he has been cheating on me the last month and only got with her 3 times. I was devastated that our relationship was over and that he could betray me like that. A week later we were on a night out and he was also out, I needed to see something on his phone and while I had it I decided to check his messages to see if he really only has been cheating on me for the last month. I found messages that went back to June of last year. We were both drunk and it was just a messy situation so we decided to meet up the next day when we were both sober. So the next day we met up and I told him to just come clean. So he told me that he has been cheating on me since September with this girl. I believed it cause I thought he would have no reason to lie to me considering everything is over. Funnily enough when I was with him his other girl text me and told me everything. So it turns out he has been cheating from the very beginning of our relationship. This girl didn't know I existed till a year after we have been going out. But when she found out about me she continued to be his **** buddy. Thats all they were, they weren't a couple they were just friends with benefits. So he was still lying to me, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have found out all this.

I don't think this is normal. Clearly he didn't love me and he said he had no feelings towards her. He also said he hasn't felt any guilt or felt bad and that he has had no feelings throughout this whole situation. Like that is not normal to not feel anything. I'm beginning to think that he has mental problems. There is a history of mental illness in his family. And now that I think of it he has lost all interest in everything that he once loved like football, friends etc. He thinks he is superior than everyone else. He is clearly selfish and he has no feelings towards anything or anyone. He finds it extremely easy to lie to people. He was apologising to me for what happened and he told me that this was coming from his head cause he knew what he did was wrong but he said he just felt numb inside, no feelings at all. So I think that there is a deeper problem here. I suggested to him that he has to see a doctor. And he admitted that he thinks there is a problem. He also has suicide thoughts. I am the only person he has told about this mental illness situation so I said I would help him through it if he wanted. I am not sure if thats a good idea or not but he really does need help I think because what he did is not normal and I think there is a problem.

I am absolutely heartbroken and shattered that this has happened me. But I am willing to put this cheating situation aside to help him. I do believe he needs help and he wont get it by himself. I dont know what to do. I would love to know your opinion and advice on this situation.
Thanks.

eviltwin

Why would you want to help someone who treated you that way? He's responsible for his own mental health and its unfair of him to put that pressure on you when you have your own stuff to deal with. Have a bit of self respect and tell him no. I suspect a lot of his issues are just mind games and manipulation tbh.

Maryh2485

OP please please take it from someone who has wasted 6 years with a person like your ex
He's manipulating you! He lied and only told you the truth when his back was to the wall as you already knew, I've been there!
Walk away FAST and never look back
I've went through it all, the lies, the female "friends" who never knew I existed, and then when he's looking for sympathy he plays the depressed card,
Honestly there are just horrible guys out there that use and abuse women
We have both been incredibly unlucky to have encountered them,
I spent years trying to help and justify my ex and it doesn't work
Do you really want to spend your precious time checking phones and wasting your emotions on an emotionless dog that will keep using and hurting you over and over
Your gut instinct was right from the off about their "friendship", your a good person
Move on and don't waste another second on him xx

punisher5112

Simple op run run very fast do not waste the rest of your life its way too short.

You don't need a cheat and a liar so move on there are plenty out there.

Cut all contact and tell him your done if you want but get off social media for a while and even consider changing number and that to keep distance.

dudara

Stop making excuses for him. You're looking for an excuse to lessen the impact of what he did, to try to explain it by mental illness.

Don't do this. Just acknowledge the fact that he cheated on you because he was selfish and wanted to have his cake and eat it also.

Walk away and start to heal yourself.

ItsJustLaura

Just want to make it clear that I will never ever be getting back together with him. But I am seriously worried that something is wrong and that he needs help

punisher5112

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Just want to make it clear that I will never ever be getting back together with him. But I am seriously worried that something is wrong and that he needs help

Move on let him off.

Why worry he obviously thinks nothing of you.

He should seek professional advice if he needs it but honestly it seems far fetched as its a excellent ruse to ring you back in.

Oh I am so sad and depressed etc etc and turn it around on you.

Seriously look after number 1 you and your family are most important.

CaraMay

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Just want to make it clear that I will never ever be getting back together with him. But I am seriously worried that something is wrong and that he needs help

He will only drag you down with him. Thus fella can't tell the truth so why do you believe this?

ellie1

Quote: ItsJustLaura
Just want to make it clear that I will never ever be getting back together with him. But I am seriously worried that something is wrong and that he needs help


If you are seriously concerned about his mental well- being then contact another friend or family member. Meet up with themin person and inform them of your concerns and exactly what he has stated in regards to suicidal thought etc.. Hand the responsibility on to someone eles.

Then delete, block and never contact him again.

eviltwin

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Just want to make it clear that I will never ever be getting back together with him. But I am seriously worried that something is wrong and that he needs help

Glad to hear it. Ask yourself do you really think the ex girlfriend with all the baggage that goes with that is really the best person to help him.

magneticimpulse

A leOpard doesn't change his spots. Someone with a mental illness might find it hard to form one relationship - let alone have 2 women on the go. You are making an excuse to "help" or reach out to someone who didn't have any respect for you? I would leave with my dignity intact and run far from this guy and never ever look back.

You want to boost his ego more by trying to help his disrespect and mistreatment of women? You need to walk away !

Also you said they were not a couple but just friends with benefits?? It doesn't seem like he respected you either as a proper couple since he had two women on the go. I wouldn't justify the labels of what the other girl was....because in the end he was having sex with the both of you at the same time for his enjoyment and did not respect any boundaries or relationship/couple status with either if you.

LegacyUser

OP lots of people have mental health difficulties and suffer from depression but that doesn't make them a liar and a cheat. Mental health difficulties and the type of person or personality someone has are not the same thing.

mapaca

If you're genuinely worried about his mental health, contact one of his friends and family and tell them your concerns. Then for your own sake, cut contact with him and move on. He is still manipulating you.

Oh, and think about getting an STI checkup.

PressRun

Maybe he has mental health issues or maybe he's just a selfish person who wants to make excuses for his despicable behaviour. Either way, I think you should walk away and leave him to it. Adults are responsbile for looking after their own mental health. If he is in a stable enough state of mind that he is capable of acknowledging that he has some issues, then the responsibility is on him to sort that out. You're not his mother or his caretaker and it's not his place to put a burden on you to help him. He treated you horribly, mental illness or not (and by the way, this kind of behaviour is in no way a hallmark of mental illness), so you have no obligation to stick around and act as a crutch for him. It's sketchy enough territory to get into a situation where you're being used as a support for someone who has a history of treating you badly, especially if it turns out there's no real mental health issues here at all.

SingItOut

Please don't blame his actions on mental illness, the majority of people with a mental illness at least have the decency to know right from wrong. Your ex is just a nasty piece of work who obviously doesn't care about you and if you didn't catch him out he'd still be lying to you. You need to walk away for your own health and sanity.

marzic

I would tend to agree with many of the posts above, and on the face of it I think the mental health issue is also another lie. If he had underlying issues it should have come to surface in the time you were together - it seems to me that this is another means for excusing his behaviour, and another hook to try to keep an attachment to you.

I would say he certainly has some kind of personality disorder - maybe he is a sociopath.

So say you continue to help him to recover, and then he wants to give it another go, but you say no, and then he feels suicidal again...

Think about that.
Best of luck

marzic

dixiefly

ellie1 wrote: »

Quote: ItsJustLaura
Just want to make it clear that I will never ever be getting back together with him. But I am seriously worried that something is wrong and that he needs help


If you are seriously concerned about his mental well- being then contact another friend or family member. Meet up with themin person and inform them of your concerns and exactly what he has stated in regards to suicidal thought etc.. Hand the responsibility on to someone eles.

Then delete, block and never contact him again.

Do this.

ItsJustLaura

marzic wrote: »

I would tend to agree with many of the posts above, and on the face of it I think the mental health issue is also another lie. If he had underlying issues it should have come to surface in the time you were together - it seems to me that this is another means for excusing his behaviour, and another hook to try to keep an attachment to you.

I would say he certainly has some kind of personality disorder - maybe he is a sociopath.

So say you continue to help him to recover, and then he wants to give it another go, but you say no, and then he feels suicidal again...

Think about that.
Best of luck

marzic

Believe me he is not trying to keep an attachment to me. Now that I think about it there was signs throughout our whole relationship of a mental illness but I just ignored them, its only now that I am aware of them. I do believe there is a chance he could be a sociopath. He shows a lack of guilt, conscience, remorse, he is constantly lying and has no problem to do so, to be honest I dont think he ever tells the truth. He is very charming and he thinks he is better than everyone else in relation to studies, sport etc. He has a huge ego and I think he is slightly narcissistic. You cannot be in your right mind to be in a relationship for 2 years and be cheating that whole time and to not feel any way guilty. That is not normal.

magneticimpulse

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Believe me he is not trying to keep an attachment to me. Now that I think about it there was signs throughout our whole relationship of a mental illness but I just ignored them, its only now that I am aware of them. I do believe there is a chance he could be a sociopath. He shows a lack of guilt, conscience, remorse, he is constantly lying and has no problem to do so, to be honest I dont think he ever tells the truth. He is very charming and he thinks he is better than everyone else in relation to studies, sport etc. He has a huge ego and I think he is slightly narcissistic. You cannot be in your right mind to be in a relationship for 2 years and be cheating that whole time and to not feel any way guilty. That is not normal.

Exactly - it's not normal behaviour. As I said before a leopard doesn't change his spots - if he is a sociopath, he is a sociopath! But the best thing you can do is never contact him again and definitely not to "help" him stop being a sociopath! You cannot change this guy, it's his choice to live his life as a sociopath.

hardCopy

You can't help everyone OP. He's not your responsibility.

Let somebody else worry about him. Volunteer with a charity if you feel the need to help people.

PressRun

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

Believe me he is not trying to keep an attachment to me. Now that I think about it there was signs throughout our whole relationship of a mental illness but I just ignored them, its only now that I am aware of them. I do believe there is a chance he could be a sociopath. He shows a lack of guilt, conscience, remorse, he is constantly lying and has no problem to do so, to be honest I dont think he ever tells the truth. He is very charming and he thinks he is better than everyone else in relation to studies, sport etc. He has a huge ego and I think he is slightly narcissistic. You cannot be in your right mind to be in a relationship for 2 years and be cheating that whole time and to not feel any way guilty. That is not normal.

Just to be clear, sociopaths do not necessarily have a mental illness. It's a personality disorder. They are different and you are not going to be able to help him, if this is the case. He's just going to be easily able to manipulate you. Many people with mental illnesses can be helped. Some people with personality disorders don't respond well to treatment. If he has a personality disorder, I would imagine it's beyond you to be able help him (it's not your responsibility in any case).

Sound Bite

Laura,

You seem far to nice a person to have some idiot treat you like this.

It doesn't matter if he does have mental health issues or not (plenty of people do but they still manage to have respect for people) it doesn't excuse his behaviour and treatment of you.

Look at how he treated you..he doesn't deserve another minute of you time or thoughts.

Block him from contacting you & he sure as hell wouldn't be helping you if that situation was reversed (if he does indeed have genuine issues which is questionable)

Typer Monkey

ItsJustLaura wrote: »

I do believe there is a chance he could be a sociopath. He shows a lack of guilt, conscience, remorse, he is constantly lying and has no problem to do so, to be honest I dont think he ever tells the truth. He is very charming and he thinks he is better than everyone else in relation to studies, sport etc. He has a huge ego and I think he is slightly narcissistic. You cannot be in your right mind to be in a relationship for 2 years and be cheating that whole time and to not feel any way guilty. That is not normal.

Sounds like you were going out with my ex! My ex is 100% a sociopath and all his relationships have ended as a result of cheating. He's a master manipulator and a compulsive liar. You cannot 'help' these people and why on earth would you want to? Move on and find a normal man who will treat you with respect.

I don't feel anger towards my ex anymore as I moved on, met a fantastic normal man who I married and had two children with. I occasionally run into him at work and I exchange pleasantries but I have sufficient self respect not to want to be his friend or try help him in any way..who wants to be friends with a sociopathic asshole?!

LegacyUser

They say that opposites attract, OP you and this guy couldn't be more different, by the sounds of things. You seem very loving, caring and selfless, and he comes across as being the exact opposite. I think that on this occasion you should be selfish and put your own needs first, you deserve so much better than a person like that. Try to find someone like you. I would very much doubt that he has severe mental problems, i think he would just like you to believe that so that he can carry on the way he has been, with an excuse. However, mental illness (if he even has one) is not an excuse for utterly selfish behaviour. Adults still know right from wrong. Plenty of decent people out there for you instead You need to let him go so that they can find you!