Confronting an EX

Maryh2485

Im in a dilemma, I dated a guy for a considerable amount of time over 6 years, during that time he was (amongst other things) a liar, always involving women, how he knew them or why they were contacting him on Facebook, it was always them coming on to him, but I always caught him out
Anyway we split last year, but kept in contact, anyway during Christmas we kind of spoke about trying again and since then we have been taking thing slow but low and behold I noticed a girl on his page liking pics, even old ones and I got that dreaded feeling again,
So I asked him in a casual way and he had this huge story about how SHE met him in a club and they just chatted.. Ok but how did she become his friend on Facebook? She's not Irish and has a very long surname, not easily spelt so it's not like he could track her through mutual friends( I noticed they had none)
None of it made sense so I just lost interest it felt like history was repeating itself
Anyway lastnight I was on fb I was chatting a really old friend who lives in Dublin and noticed he was in pics with her so he asked her what happ..
It turns out my EX chased her on the night out, he added her on fb, he asked her if she wanted to meet up, she didn't reply as she wasn't interested in him that way, but he seen she had read the message so mailed her again asking why she didn't reply and then before she replied he unfriended her, she was shocked, my friend had vouched for her saying she wouldn't lie
When I heard this I cried. I'm so angry with him
I'm looking for advice, should I confront him?

ahnow

Nothing will be achieved if you confront him, he'll either say he's sorry, or he'll lie to you again like he has always done in the past.
I think you should count yourself lucky you are exes, and you should block him on facebook, delete his number and get him out of your life. From all the past behaviour you described, why would you want someone like that as a partner? You deserve better.

Lisacatlover

What your old friend told you makes no sense, if what happened is he asked her to meet and she didn't reply as she wasn't interested in him that way, then he deleted her before she could respond to the next message, then what about her liking a bunch of old photos of him on his page? Makes no sense whatsoever. Either your old friend is wrong/lying, or the girl is wrong/lying.

Maryh2485

Lisacatlover wrote: »

What your old friend told you makes no sense, if what happened is he asked her to meet and she didn't reply as she wasn't interested in him that way, then he deleted her before she could respond to the next message, then what about her liking a bunch of old photos of him on his page? Makes no sense whatsoever. Either your old friend is wrong/lying, or the girl is wrong/lying.

Yes I wondered this too, but she's new to this area and my friend says she's really outgoing & friendly and that's the type of girl she is, she just wants to major friends and she's more comfortable around guys.
My friend said she was really forthcoming with the details last night and he believed her as she has no reason to lie
I'm confused?? One of them is lying

Lisacatlover

Either way, you don't trust the guy, so probably shouldn't get back with him, but there's nothing to really confront him about, your friends version of events doesn't add up, for whatever reason.

Maryh2485

Lisacatlover wrote: »

Either way, you don't trust the guy, so probably shouldn't get back with him, but there's nothing to really confront him about, your friends version of events doesn't add up, for whatever reason.

Well he knows her through friends and nights out etc.. He basically mailed her and say a really good friend was seeing this guy(showed her my exs pic) but she thinks he cheated and just wants to know the truth and did she know him, he was really nice about it
And he said she mailed back straight away with very detailed message about the night in the club in question she remembered the club n how many ppl he was out with and the mails he sent
I just don't see her reason to lie

wokingvoter

If you established over a period of 6 years that this guy is not trustworthy, that he's a liar and a cheat, then why would you think that he's changed and he's going to be a nice person who will cherish and respect you?
He's not.
You deserve, at the least, an honest kind respectfull boyfriend
Good looks and money don't matter
Walk away now. Good luck

Maryh2485

wokingvoter wrote: »

If you established over a period of 6 years that this guy is not trustworthy, that he's a liar and a cheat, then why would you think that he's changed and he's going to be a nice person who will cherish and respect you?
He's not.
You deserve, at the least, an honest kind respectfull boyfriend
Good looks and money don't matter
Walk away now. Good luck

Yes your right I feel angry I want to tell him I know but what's the point he has a track record of getting caught out in his lies and he's never cared in the past
I know he will get super defensive and verbally attack me on the phone if I rang because he's caught out
I'm a fool

Maryh2485

What's the best way to get rid of this angry, hurt, used feeling
I just want him to know how I feel

wokingvoter

Maryh2485 wrote: »

Yes your right I feel angry I want to tell him I know but what's the point he has a track record of getting caught out in his lies and he's never cared in the past
I know he will get super defensive and verbally attack me on the phone if I rang because he's caught out
I'm a fool

Your most certainly not a fool
Far from it
You wanted to give the guy a chance to prove that he's worthy of you
But he's not
A fool would be somebody who persisted with this "relationship "
Your really very smart
Your recognising that it's "happening all over again "
Most people who are emotionally involved with someone, as you are, would just stick their head in the sand, and pretend that they're not upset
Your very ballsy
Your facing up to it
If your thinking that the 6+ years is "wasted time" , it's not. You had some good times, You've definitely developed an eye for a liar and a cheat and you won't be fooled again.
Good luck for the future

ellie1

"What's the best way to get rid of this angry, hurt, used feeling
I just want him to know how I feel".

The best way to get rid of these feelings is to accept them, write about them, feel them then use all that energy on exercise. Hit the gym , get fit and get strong.

You want him to know how you feel. Why? He doesn't care how you feel. You feel angry ,and hurt because he did use you like he will continue to do if you let him. Why would you call him or have a chat or pull him up and give him the satisfaction of knowing you have been finding out his tricks behind his back.

Just block him from everything and never contact him again. And then you will always be confident knowing you had the courage and strength to walk away.

anewme

Easier said than done but there's no point in confronting him.

Why waste your energy getting angry at someone who does not give a crap? By giving your wit with him, you are only upsetting yourself.

Get rid and don't look back.

People have wasted years on this type of thing.

I was involved with a head wrecker for 9 years. I found out he was living a double life basically and when I found out I was gutted. I lost the plot so much I even followed him, undercover just to prove I was right. I badgered him looking for "closure". I made myself ill from it and it made me look like a total psycho sending mad texts etc.

After about a year or so, I copped on But it took that time.

i look back now and wonder why I did it.

punisher5112

Obviously op you only know the answer.
you need to move on.

There much better out there as your questioning now and in the past the future will from what I read be no different.

Run or walk away but seriously life is way too short.

Don't confront you aren't together anymore so he isn't tied down neither are you so really think hard and just move on you both split up already and most likely would again.

Maryh2485

ellie1 wrote: »

"What's the best way to get rid of this angry, hurt, used feeling
I just want him to know how I feel".

The best way to get rid of these feelings is to accept them, write about them, feel them then use all that energy on exercise. Hit the gym , get fit and get strong.

You want him to know how you feel. Why? He doesn't care how you feel. You feel angry ,and hurt because he did use you like he will continue to do if you let him. Why would you call him or have a chat or pull him up and give him the satisfaction of knowing you have been finding out his tricks behind his back.

Just block him from everything and never contact him again. And then you will always be confident knowing you had the courage and strength to walk away.

Your so right, confronting him is a mistake it gives him power again
I didn't confront him straight away and I'm proud usually I'd be straight on to him

Maryh2485

anewme wrote: »

Easier said than done but there's no point in confronting him.

Why waste your energy getting angry at someone who does not give a crap? By giving your wit with him, you are only upsetting yourself.

Get rid and don't look back.

People have wasted years on this type of thing.

I was involved with a head wrecker for 9 years. I found out he was living a double life basically and when I found out I was gutted. I lost the plot so much I even followed him, undercover just to prove I was right. I badgered him looking for "closure". I made myself ill from it and it made me look like a total psycho sending mad texts etc.

After about a year or so, I copped on But it took that time.

i look back now and wonder why I did it.

And how was he reponding to you during this time?

anewme

Maryh2485 wrote: »

And how was he reponding to you during this time?

He was playing me like a violin! Making ne doubt myself and my integrity and "gas lighting".

It was all needless drama. Complete bull****.

Ironically he turned up again after 10 years recently to admit his mistake. no offence, but I would not pee on the guy if he was on fire.

We met at the funeral of a mutual friend. I'm 2.5 stone lighter with my own home, good job, new car and look better than I did then, where he is at least 4 stone overweight, bald, crap job, living in a rented house. He looks about 10 years older than me even though we are the same age. It was one of those times where you think I want my ex to see me like that. But once I saw him, I felt nothing. Apathy.

He sent a few drink n dial texts one night on a pretext later but I did not respond. I did not even bother blocking his number, just deleted the texts as spam.

Maryh2485

anewme wrote: »

He was playing me like a violin! Making ne doubt myself and my integrity and "gas lighting".

It was all needless drama. Complete bull****.

Ironically he turned up again after 10 years recently to admit his mistake. no offence, but I would not pee on the guy if he was on fire.

We met at the funeral of a mutual friend. I'm 2.5 stone lighter with my own home, good job, new car and look better than I did then, where he is at least 4 stone overweight, bald, crap job, living in a rented house. He looks about 10 years older than me even though we are the same age. It was one of those times where you think I want my ex to see me like that. But once I saw him, I felt nothing. Apathy.

He sent a few drink n dial texts one night on a pretext later but I did not respond. I did not even bother blocking his number, just deleted the texts as spam.

This is karma!! Good enough for him
I'm delighted for you
Thank you for sharing your story

Tigger99

Honestly I think confronting him is just going to hurt you more and won't give you the sense of closure you are looking for.

I've been tempted to do similar in the past, but the saying "the best revenge is living well" always comes back to me and provides me with huge comfort. I've had three different ex's randomly text me in the last few weeks looking to chat. I resisted the urge to rant at them. I wouldn't waste my precious energy on them. Realising how happy I am and how much I've achieved in the last few years is all the karma I need

Ursus Horribilis

Why do you want to confront him anyway? Is it so that you can somehow come up with a way of getting back with him again? I'm reading this and wondering why on earth you lowered your standards for this guy. He's a bad egg and has proven beyond doubt that he can't keep it in his trousers. He's never going to change his ways. The best way to get back at him is to walk away with your dignity intact. Cut all contact with him and leave him with no fall-back option. Block his number on your phone. Block him on Facebook and all other social media. Cut him out of your life and set about building a better one for you.

mapaca

Don't confront him, you'll just be giving him another chance to hurt you. Write down all your feelings in a letter but don't send it. Exercise is a great way to get rid of frustration, stress, etc. Keep busy and have fun with friends. In time the feelings will fade and you'll move on. You're doing really well!

Maryh2485

Tigger99 wrote: »

Honestly I think confronting him is just going to hurt you more and won't give you the sense of closure you are looking for.

I've been tempted to do similar in the past, but the saying "the best revenge is living well" always comes back to me and provides me with huge comfort. I've had three different ex's randomly text me in the last few weeks looking to chat. I resisted the urge to rant at them. I wouldn't waste my precious energy on them. Realising how happy I am and how much I've achieved in the last few years is all the karma I need

I need this too, I'm ashamed to say it but I've let this relationship consume me and I'm falling apart, every aspect of my life has been affected I need to start working on me and not trying to catch him
Out

Ursus Horribilis

Maryh2485 wrote: »

I need this too, I'm ashamed to say it but I've let this relationship consume me and I'm falling apart, every aspect of my life has been affected I need to start working on me and not trying to catch him
Out

That is why you absolutely must cut all contact with this guy immediately. By staying in contact you are handing your self-esteem to him on a plate. If you shut the door on him, it will mean that you'll have no other option than to concentrate on getting you back together again. It's obvious that he has consumed you because really, why would you have chosen to waste 6 years of your life on a philanderer?

Maryh2485

It's been so long now I honestly don't know where to start
I've blocked him on all avenues
But now I'm sitting here thinking what next

punisher5112

Maryh2485 wrote: »

It's been so long now I honestly don't know where to start
I've blocked him on all avenues
But now I'm sitting here thinking what next

Stop thinking about it move on.

Go for a walk or do something you like.

ahnow

Make plans to fill up you time that will make you feel good about yourself. Write up a list of hobbies/activities/sports/courses that you've always wanted to do, set yourself some manageable goals and start planning how you'd go about achieving them. Book a holiday, book a fitness course, or find something that will occupy your time, and will make you feel good. This is how you start to move on, and every time you have a little set back you can still say, well I'm making progress, a few weeks ago I was crying over this eejit, now I've started accomplishing this, keep at it, and a few months down the line again you wont believe the progress you've made.
You have to redirect the energy wasted in him back to yourself, but do it in a positive way. If you break the steps down bit by bit it'll get easier over time.

Ursus Horribilis

See, that's part of your problem. Because you were consumed by this guy, the relationship, thinking about him, trying to work out how to catch him out etc., you may have forgotten how to be you. It's important for now that you keep your mind and your body busy so that you'll not (a) relent and go back to him and (b) find yourself at a lot of loose ends and wondering what to do. Take out a piece of paper and make up a plan for what you're going to do for the coming week. Try to have something on every evening. Be it catching up with friends. Going to visit family. Going to the cinema or doing the garden or painting the house. Going for a walk/run. You get the idea.