One underlying issue

LegacyUser

So, going unregistered for this one as its a bit close to the bone.

My BF and I have been living together for the past 18th months or so, and together 2.5 years overall. Generally our relationship is great.

The one issue that annoys me is that I feel like he constantly watches what I eat, and I also feel this is driving some unwelcome behavior on my side.

To be straight, I've always struggled with my weight, and don't really foresee a point in time when I won't. I've just got one of those motabolisms that will always be in conflict with me. That said, while I could always stand to loose a few lbs, I'm pretty conscious of my diet generally and try to make positive changes where I can. He, on the other hand is naturally slim, his whole family are, and I just don't think he gets it.

Our diet at home is generally really healthy. I cook everything from scratch and avoide processed foods where possible. I've definitly improved what he eats on the whole since we've moved in. Gone are packets of frozen wedges (he used to eat them daily) and jars of sauce for bolognese or stirfry, as I just don't buy them. His diet has become much more healthy and varied that he ever would have gotten at home or when he was living alone.

I feel he holds me to an entirely different standard and is often quite selfish in terms of just doing what suits himself at the time. What I mean by this, is that if he decided he wants to get a take away, or come home with crisps, thats fine. But if I ever suggest it, then he looks at me sideways. We've had a few arguments about this before so he knows that its a bit of a dangerous subject to approach with me but, he can say enough just by the looks he gives me. Another way that I try to curtail my calorie intake is by taking weekends off from alcohol, and this is never greeted with much enthusiasm. It just feels like, its fine to be healthy when it suits him, but when he decides he wants a pizza or some beers, then thats fine, but if I'm the one suggesting it then I'm being a glutton and he glares at me.

My real issue, is that in order to avoid conflict that I don't let myself snack at all in front of him. I resist urges to have even something small, but then it builds up so that sometimes now snack when I know he won't be around. I'd run down to the shops and buy myself some Honkey Doreys and just eat them before he gets back and burry the evidence at the bottom of the bin.

Also, when he suggests a take away, now I feel like I always say yes, because otherwise I know I'll never get the chance. Its like I can only have treats when he wants them, and not when I actually fancy one. The upshot is that I'm saying yes to take aways on nights that I otherwise wouldnt, and then feeling deprived at other times.

An example is that last night, I did some grocery shopping on my way home from work. I bought a different type of bread that I hadnt seen before, and decided to try a slice when I got home, before freezing the rest for the weekend. He could smell the toast when he came in and made a sarky comment along the lines of "eaten dinner already have we?" and then made a displeased face. I said that I'm an adult and I don't need to justify myself to him and walked out of the room.

He's recently taken up a lot of exercising and tried to involve me but the sport he's chosen is just not my thing. I injured my back a few months ago and am only really able to start getting back to activities now. So far I'm going Pilates to strengthen my core where my back was injured and its really helping, and have signed up for some group training classes this month.

When we first met, I was actually far more active (I had a great fitness programme but it was tied in with my last employer) and I've never managed to replace it to the same level since I changed jobs. He used to be completely inactive (although always slim). So I'm finding his newfound fitness kick a bit annoying, as he's getting on my back about it. I'm trying to build my own routine that will work for me post injury, and surely can't just be expected to do what he wants if I'm worried about re-injuring myself.

I don't know if he's ever going to understand and just back off and let me make my own decisions without a sideways commentary. It gets my back up no end and actually makes me want to eat more just to spite him. I kinda miss living alone just for this aspect alone. I think I made better choices then because I wasnt having to go along with someone elses pattern.

tcif

Whether or not he means it to be, it sounds very controlling. If a slice of toast results in a verbal exchange that sees you walking out of the room, or if you feel driven to hide the evidence of the crisp bag in the bottom of the bin, that's not healthy. Not a health dynamic in your relationship and not a healthy relationship to food.

You admit you struggle with your weight and maybe he's concerned about weight gain and, let's face it, a certain extent of our attraction to our partners is grounded in the physical and a big change in appearance due to weight gain (if that were to happen) would be a problem for some people. Probably for a lot of people. But guilting you over what you eat and how and when you exercise is not constructive or helpful or respectful and surely will eventually cause a huge row or an eating disorder or both.

Have you tried to explain to him how his behaviour is making you feel and/or asking him to stop?

lyinghere

You need to tell him all of this and let him know his behaviour is making you unhappy.

If he continues he's being a dick. In that case you might need to assess the situation and ask yourself are you willing to be around someone that's making you this uncomfortable?

Hopefully he will realise its not cool and shut his trap!

eviltwin

I hate to say it but he's a control freak. His behaviour is far beyond what is normal. Most control freaks tend to focus on one particular issue and use it to break someone down. When he picks you up on your food it's far more than just a comment on your diet, it's getting to your self image and self esteem. I don't think long term you can remain with that kind of mentality without it causing you serious issues around your body image. I wonder, does he draw attention to your diet in other ways, does he comment on how you look in clothes, does he compare you to other women? As others have said you need to address this, maybe he genuinely thinks he's helping. Talk to him, ask him to drop it otherwise I'd be gone.

beks101

Is he critical of your weight? Does he make comments about that too? Do you feel under pressure to lose weight because of him?

You definitely need to be having a word. I struggled with weight issues for a long time, and if I had a partner berating me or shaming me or guilting me it would definitely have triggered some really unhealthy behaviour. Eating in secret or depriving yourself of what you want to eat is only going to cause problems down the line and may lead to seriously disordered eating over time.

You could say something like, "listen, I understand that you're on a health kick at the moment and that's great, I support you 100%, but you're also policing my food habits to the point where I find it stressful to eat in front of you in my own home. Can we talk about this?"

CaraMay

You moved in together quite soon and it seems like your eyes are being opened now to what he's actually like. As the others have said, he sounds very controlling and passive agressive. A lot of damage has been done to the relationship by his behaviour and it will be hard to come back from it as you will always assume he's thinking stuff even if he's not saying it. You need to think if you can now ever be truly comfortable in this relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

For some reason this is reminding me of Princess Diana's comment that there were three of them in the marriage. It looks like your weight/eating issues have become a third entity in your relationship. As you've said yourself, realistically you're always going to be struggling with your weight. Some people have the metabolisms of a greyhound while others almost put on weight if they smell a cake being baked. Definitely you need to sit him down and have this out with him. If he continues to be a d!ck over this, I think you should walk. As things stand, food has become a big issue for you and you feel like you're on trial all the time. What a terrible way to live.

What will happen, do you think, if you stay together and you fall pregnant? Will you be subjected to snide comments as you grow larger? How about when you struggle to shed weight after the baby is born? What if your metabolism slows further as you get older and you find it harder to stay in shape? If I were you, I would think long and hard about this.

They say if you want to know someone, come live with them. Are you sure your relationship is as great as you say it is? To be honest, his behaviour over your eating sounds controlling and it makes me wonder has that spilled over into other parts of your life. Have a think about that.

Emme

OP I was in a similar situation to you many years ago. I had always trained and been quite fit. I moved in with a guy after a year and he started feeding me up. He told me I was too skinny at 8 and a half stone. I am 5'5" tall. He was a big build and was fond of take-aways and ice cream. He was controlling in other ways too - verbally abusive in a "jokey" way which wasn't really a joke because the jokes were always at my expense.

I went up to 9 stone after a while because he didn't like me training after work - I had to come straight back to his place, cook dinner and do the housework. He told me I was too fat at 9 stone and that I should lose some weight. Despite this he would give me a filthy look or make sarcastic comments if I suggested going back to the gym or cycling. He would eat takeaways and bars of chocolate in front of me and tell me I wasn't getting any because I was so fat. He was also physically violent in a subtle way - he would give me a firm shove if he didn't like what I was doing and one day when I didn't do the washing up the way he liked it he caught my hand in the door and bruised it badly. He hadn't been physically violent until I moved in with him (his idea). I had bulimia in my early teens and had been in remission since 16 but the eating disorder came back with the pressure he put me under. I was 25. When he caught me throwing up he told me to leave. I had lived with him 3 months in total.

Finding a new place and leaving was hard but once I settled in I started training again and also running and the weight fell off and I was back to 8 and a half stone in no time with very little effort. I was much happier too.

OP your bf doesn't sound as bad as my ex but he's definitely controlling if he makes snarky comments about you eating a slice of toast. You sound like you're walking on eggshells all the time. That is not a sign of a good relationship. I would advise you to look for a new place and move out. If needs be end the relationship. It doesn't sound like it's good for you.

What would happen if you had children in the future and you were finding it difficult to lose the baby weight? What would your life be like then? Most women eventually lose baby weight but the baby comes first. However it sounds like your bf might make you put losing weight or not gaining pregnancy weight before the welfare of a child.

Aimeee

I'm getting quite angry on your behalf reading your post. Agree completely with others who have said he is controlling. It's not even subtle at this early stage. Think ahead if you have children and there are many more people and life changes to be managed. What would it be like then?
I wonder why he is doing this?
Was there anything at all in the last 2.5 years that are making more sense to you now?
You could try telling him how you feel and ask why he is doing it.

sporina

Hi OP,

First off, this is clearly a very uncomfortable situation for you.. sympathy to you on that. And yes indeed.. the fact that he is making you feel guilty about an issue that is already "an issue" for you will clearly exacerbate in return; try not to let it - try and rise above it and think of yourself.
But in any event, its not condusive to a healthy relationship.
Can I ask, when ye met; moved in together, were you the same wt as you are now?
Or, do you know if eating was an issue for him in the past?
Basically I am wondering where this issue has sprung from?

But do take care of you.. with respect to how you deserve to be treated and in terms of what and why you eat..

Regardless of how or why this issue has arisen, you are right - you should not have to justify why you have had a slice of toast - you are indeed an adult.. and independent of what his motives are.. he should not have been sarcastic to you in the way that he was - that is nether adult, respectful or constructive behaviour.. and you deserve better!

Ursus Horribilis

Even if the OP wasn't the same weight now as she was when they met, the snarky comments from himself are not on. There are far nicer and more tactful ways to encourage a partner to lose weight.

sporina

Odus fell down wrote: »

Even if the OP wasn't the same weight now as she was when they met, the snarky comments from himself are not on. There are far nicer and more tactful ways to encourage a partner to lose weight.

i have said, in my words, that his behaviour is a no no.. but the reason i asked if there has been a change in wt is to ascertain the etiology of his attitude.... as they have been together quite a while..

In order for one to arrive at a solution.. one has to establish the root of the problem

Lisacatlover

How did the arguments you've had before in relation to things happen?

SATSUMA

Doesn't sound very loving to me. You need to find out what HIS issues are with your food and go from there. You can't live like that.

Lavinia

This reminded me of the similar (just the opposite) topic, perhaps you can find some answers there too:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057570632
Good luck and stand behind yourself, I hope you both will sort this out with honest and open conversation.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Firstly, thats for the volume of supportive replies. It was honestly something I found hard to articulate, but its reassuring to know I'm not just being sensitive here.

To answer a few questions;
1. I'm roughly the same weight as I was when we met. I'd say I wear between a 12-14 and am 5'8", so yes could drop a few lbs, but noting drastic, and certainly no major changes in the time he's known me. I've got an hourglass figure, big boobs the works, so I don't think a size 8 would ever be achievable for me! I'd lost a bit of weight last year but since I injured by back do feel like I've put it back on due to forced inactivity. Feeling better again now so hoping to resume the exercise I was doing before, but with some modifications to support my injury. I spent a lot of time in my teens trying to be a size that my body won't conform to and I dont want to fall back into those behaviors.
2. I've wracked my brains and can honestly say that this is a single issue problem. I'm not saying that we never fight (I don't believe couples who say that!) but most arguments are just normal stuff, nothing personal. I genuinely can't think of any other area where he's critical of me.
3. There has never been any form of physical violence, never even a hint of it.
4. He's mostly very sweet to me and does a lot for me, and we complement each other in lots of ways. He's handy around the house and I manage finances etc. He's not a naturally mushy person but if we're out and have had a few drinks he gets really sentimental and tells me that he can't believe his luck etc. I'm frustrated as this issue seems to be our weakpoint as it makes me so mad yet he just can't get his head past being pass-remarkable.
5. He always says how much he loves my cooking and how much more aware of nutrition he is since we've lived together. Even though weight isnt an issue for him, he's much happier that we mostly eat unprocessed food and he knows I watch the use of oils in cooking like a hawk. We eat a lot more fish than he would have been used to, and I've even adapted meals he likes to a healthier version so he doesnt feel deprived when I'm watching my eating We're trying to eat at least one vegetarian meal a week now as there is always room for improvement.
6. If anything he used to be underweight (BMI officially underweight) before I met him, say during his college years. I've seen pictures of him and he was unbelievably skinny. His justification is that he didnt like the food his mother would cook, so used to just not eat dinners, just having sandwiches at lunch and skipping dinner. If this was me I would have found other food to eat, but he just said it never even occurred to him at the time (his appetite has much improved these days!) So I do feel like he also has a bit of a weird history with food, even if its the other way around.
7. I've noticed that he also remarks when women are too skinny, like if a celebrity has lost a lot of weight he'd say something like "she used to be hot but she's a bag of bones now", so I feel like there must be a very specific weight that he finds attractive. This gives me some comfort that he's not actually secretly wishing I was a size0.

Emme

OP thanks for your reply. You sound like you're within the healthy BMI range for your height and you're doing your best since your injury. Have you tried Pilates? Two sessions a week might be good for you to build up your core and your back but check with your doctor first.

It seems strange that your boyfriend constantly passes remarks on women's weight. Most guys do this the odd time but he seems to do it a lot. It's odd that he didn't eat the food his mother cooked or skipped dinner. Being skinny is normal for a lot of young guys but even so they eat everything that's put in front of them. They just have a high metabolism and burn it off.

Does your bf have a high metabolism or was he very skinny in college because he didn't eat? When I had my eating disorder bulimia I was always commenting about people's weight and I was obsessive about the calories and fat content of food. I was at boarding school when I had anorexia/bulimia and I would skip dinner if I could get away with it and eat minimally the rest of the time. The logic of skipping dinner was that anything I ate in the evening was more likely to be stored as fat. Skipping dinner isn't normal for a young guy and surely his mother would have noticed and cooked something he liked.

Guys can have eating disorders too. Even if you get over an eating disorder and you're eating normally it's still with you and can resurface under stress. It can also show in other ways such as an obsession with what you eat (orthorexia) and an obsession with what others eat.

Aimeee

Hi OP he sounds quite sweet really just has his own issues with food maybe?
I have noticed in younger generations of men/boys there is definitely more food awareness and I would guess eating disorders on the increase in male population. Not suggesting your other half has one. I think there's a thin line between healthy awareness and unhealthy obsession in relation to eating/food and one can be in the depths before realising it.
Seems to me he didn't come from a healthy eating home or food wasn't that important. Not unusual i would think. Imagine then living in this era when we are bombarded with information from all angles about diet & exercise etc etc. I can see how it would become a focus for him though i suspect his comments are more about himself than you tbh. I've noticed it in my own son now. He's at a very impressionable age and he's totally picking up on the exercise/diet stuff and i do wonder if its all that healthy from a psychological perspective. Something I am keeping an eye on.
Two things come to mind from your post: what was his mothers relationship with food like? Cooking was not her forte obviously. Maybe he grew up listening to comments about weight/skinny/fat/weight gain etc etc. So it might be totally normal for him to be commenting on that sort of thing. If it was done at home why would he think otherwise. Now he's in his own home he's just doing the same. We all come with a map. The trick is making them fit together.
Secondly i do find men have a better ability to focus on "the goal". So if the goal is to eat healthy then that is the sole focus. I think us girls find going off track a lot easier and would be less hung up/strict. I'm not explaining that very well, it's a male/female thing. I'm sure you are aware of it already.
Personally I would talk to him and tell him how uneasy the little comments make you and hopefully that will be the end of them. Or you turn the table and ask him why he says whatever the next thing is and get to the bottom of it. He may only be envious of your healthy relationship with food and your knowledge or say the toast comment for example; if he was being very strict with himself that day/week he might have been jealous of you having a slice of toast. I know I can be like that with my other half sometimes if he's doing/eating something I've banned myself from! We have a laugh about it though.
I hope you can work it out together and enjoy the relationship.

sporina

hmmm maybe he had/had some disordered eating habits.. ? eg the incident with the toast sounded a little like transference - as in transferring his own feelings onto you.. ie he might not allow himself that slice of toast.. so there is a little judgment and relief when you do it..