Feel like I'll end up alone

LegacyUser

Hi all. Just said I'd post here as there is a million things going around in my head at the moment and feel I have to get them out somehow.
I'm 28, female and single for over a year now. My issue is that I am beginning to feel like I will never meet anybody to spend my life with. The thoughts of this sadden me as I always envisioned myself with the husband, kids, house thing and now that I am feeling it won't happen for me it's hard to imagine life alone.
I have always had this vision that I wanted my life to be different to my childhood growing up -parents always fighting, almost split up on a number of occasions. I feel like my mother is bi-polar or depressed as she is impossible at times without going into such detail. So I guess I spent my teenage years and early 20s vowing that I would be happy and have a normal family life with the person I end up with. Now at 28 I feel like there is no chance of that happening, I am finding things hard to deal with at the moment.

Just a bit of background information about me- I'm 28, working full time with a large circle of friends. While I'm no model, I am pretty attractive with average to athletic body type. I have lots of hobbies, running, music and watching sports to name a few. Relationship wise- the longest I've had has been six months which I ended and I feel it was for the right reasons. Both before and since then I've had brief encounters if that's the correct word, where I have been seeing guys for 6 or 7 dates. All but one has ended because he has been seeing somebody else or had met somebody else. One such instance I found out in the company of some of my family as I met him through them and I had to put on a brave face like it didn't bother me but I felt humiliated at the time. Have met guys since on tinder and same story, everything is great for the first month or 6 weeks and then things change. Two guys actually told me they had met somebody else while the other guy just vanished and stopped contacting me.
This has been getting me down big time lately. I feel I can't speak to my friends about it as every one of them except one girl are in a relationship. I have a family event coming up soon and out of 12 cousins I am the only one single. Lately I have begun to feel disillusioned with the whole dating thing, like making an effort and getting on well with a guy and then for him to vanish or meet somebody else is pretty soul destroying. I know there are people out there who have gone through far worse but when it's the same story every time that seems to happen me I can't help but feel like crap over it. Five years ago, a guy I had been seeing for four months went to Australia but we kept in contact. I was very careful and wary of it seeing as he was so far away but we had got to the stage where he asked me to come over on holidays and I had begun to save money for it. Then he cut contact and only for me asking him about a month later he would never have told me that he met somebody else.
I know this post probably sounds selfish and self-centred but as I am reading back over it I'm thinking what is wrong with me that all these guys always pick somebody else and I'm not good enough. I feel dating now is just getting harder as I can be almost certain that if you are going on a date with a guy, he is seeing other women and given my history I feel like an eejit for even thinking he might chose me as the odds haven't been in my favour before.

I guess it's just becoming increasingly hard for me to deal with being single or to figure out the reasons why when one by one my friends are all coupling up extremely happy. Then the other part of me is just disillusioned with the whole thing because of being messed around or treated badly before. I am looking for people to be blatantly honest here as maybe there is something I am missing or haven't seen. Thanks for reading

silverharp

it sounds like you are not adverse to outdoors stuff. you should look into activity type clubs to join that have a good social element , hill walking, sailing, rock climbing, canoeing etc. and just put yourself in situations where there are likely to be decent guys. I get the impression that all the online stuff is just for hook up culture, it sounds like the last place you want to be to look for a quality mate.

LegacyUser

Do you think it's possible that because you came from a family background with some difficulties and you vowed your own relationships would never be like that so you start out with certain pre-expectations about how a 'perfect relationship' ought to be? Perhaps that's getting picked up by the people you are meeting. Or equally where there has been a difficult parental marriage along with parental mental health issues you might be acting guarded and afraid to open up and trust fully. Both these type of issues can be quite common where there wasn't a happy home life growinh up and marriage between the parents. It can definitely influences our own relationships even when we swear we won't allow that to happen.

When there is a repeated pattern of events then we do need to look internally and see what we might be able to differently. Or you could be just unlucky and the guys you are meeting are just not right for you.

LegacyUser

In response to guest 9211, I would agree that it's fair to say I put a lot of emphasis on what I perceive "the perfect relationship" to be. I also put a lot of stock into making sure I may have a happy relationship where both people love and respect each other and while there may be tough times, you still wouldn't want to be anywhere else. That's what I believe and maybe because I grew up in a house where I didn't feel respected or treated properly and at times my parents showed no respect for each other that I am adamant the same won't happen me.
I wouldn't say it comes across to guys as with the exception of the guy I went out with I was never with anyone long enough to even tell them those issues. Things kind of fizzled out before they really got going if that makes sense.
I feel awful saying this but I often get upset after seeing certain family members or friends who are part of a couple and are so good together and seem so happy. I wonder why it hasn't happened me or if it ever will.
I guess at the moment it scares me thinking of being alone in the future and having nobody to share my life with. Just in the last week, a friend and a family member got engaged and I was at a wedding of another friend. I am delighted for all these people and am always happy to see other people happy in life but part of me found the last week very hard because I don't know will it ever be my turn and at the same time because I have had bad experiences I'm almost afraid to put myself out there. This all sounds very muddled hopefully you can make sense of it.

LegacyUser

Op get a book called attached by Amir Levine, brilliant read, long story short explains how our childhoods and relationships with parents influence our intimate relationships in later life based on our attachment styles. I was like you but after reading this book on the recommendation of a counsellor I realised I had been going for a specific type of guy every time and how it could never work out. Kind of helps you to spot the red flags and retrain your thought frame so you tend to give different guys a chance to what you normally would. Has benefited me anyway. Good luck

ellie1

I think you need to retrain your thought processes to having some kind of acceptance and happiness being single.

The simple reality is is quite often though you might meet lots of men they may not be for you , you can play the self blame game and ponder wonder and analyse what is wrong with you or you or you can play the what's wrong with men game!! So on one hand you beat yourself up for not being pretty , intelligent funny etc . On the other hand, blame the man for his lack of emotional commitment, drinking and /or drug problem.

Yes there are people who fall deeply in love and have fantastic relationships. That's brilliant . Then there are people who don't so what? Have a brilliant single life. Travel , get fit and healthy, get educated, get new hobbies, meet new people and do everything you want to do. Be a selfish person , put yourself first. All of this will increase your self awareness, confidence and esteem.

If somewhere along life's journey, you meet someone who meets all your desires that's great but analysing, over thinking and worrying about men and relationships will not help you get a man or a relationship. You asked what you could do differently. Do this.

LegacyUser

I know it doesn't come across like it on here but I am happy in every other aspect of my life bar the lack of relationship thing. I'm proud that I'm independent, have a great circle of friends, love my job. In the last year I took up running and absolutely love it. People say to me" you are so positive and happy" and in all other ways I am. It's just that this plan or dream I've had for my future seems to be so far away. I put on a brave face in front of people and never show my true feelings.
I don't even know where to begin to change my train of thought that meeting someone and settling down is not the be all and end all when its been a goal of mine since as long as I can remember. I don't mind doing things alone and have done nights away, gone off for days out etc on my own but I want to share them with someone. With each engagement and marriage, along with the two girls I live with having long term boyfriends it is just so hard at the moment to not focus on it. It feels like I missed out the day the lesson on meeting guys was on. That's the only way I can describe it.

LegacyUser

I think your experiences with dating would be quite common, i suppose the only thing i can suggest is maybe go out with people you meet in real life, and not online? Also, 28 is quite early on to be worried, its nice to have had your own life and experiences before settling down. You still have loads of time !
R

Flutterby80

Hi Op, had to reply as your post reminds me so much of my experiences. Like you I grew up in a volatile household, parents constantly screaming at each other. I always hoped I'd meet the right person and swore my children would never have the anxiety I experienced growing up with daily fights.
Over the years had a couple of serious relationships and then when I was 31 was dumped by who I thought was the love of my life. Cue a year and a half of misery, believing that my life was over and that I'd never have babies (I laugh now when I think of it!) like you I'm reasonably attractive and ended up having several short flings that never amounted to anything. Basically I was just trying to replace my ex at any cost.

Anyways eventually I decided to make the most of things and resigned myself to being single. I have a great job and lots of lovely friends and family so this would just have to do me, I said I can't have everything! Then just over a year ago I met him, the real love of my life, through one of my best friends. Very quickly we realised that we wanted the same things, he moved in with me and it all felt totally normal and natural.
You are so young op you need to give yourself a break and believe that what is meant for you won't pass you by. I'm 35 now and expecting our first baby this Summer, I've never been happier. Chin up love, think positive and get on with your life, it'll all happen for you when it's supposed to.

leahyl

OP, completely understand how you feel. I'm 30 now, 31 in May (:eek:) and I have yet to have a relationship with the opposite sex. I think I'm only now realising that I'm actually quite anxious and depressed about it. Was at a hen at the weekend (for my future sister in law) and out of the 8 of us, I was the only single one. It really is very difficult when you would like to meet someone but you are very unconfident in yourself and haven't had any experience to speak of. I'm just at a loss of what to do to be honest. I mean, yes I could join a million different clubs etc. but it just feels so contrived and false to be joining something I have minimal interest in on the off chance that I might meet the man of my dreams. Le sigh I actually don't even know what I want at this stage - it goes around my head most days of the week; the only thing that keeps me going and keeps it off my mind sometimes is work.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great family and had a wonderful childhood but something must have happened along the way to make me this unconfident...just don't know what it was

Sorry OP, can't really give you any advice except to say that I hope it works out for both of us!