Parent issue

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I am a woman in my late 20's who lives at home with my parents. Growing up with my parents was difficult for my brother and I as my parents were only teenagers when they were married and had us. My dad was and still is an abusive alcoholic, his alcohol issue has subsided somewhat since his health deteriorated in the last few years. Everything has and still does turn into an argument with my dad as he is incredibly impatient and hot tempered. I was terrified of him when I was a child, we were always screamed at or kicked in the rear if we did or said anything he didn't like. When he really lost his temper he would hold his fist against our faces and say how much he'd "love to".

I wasn't close to my mother at all growing up, I don't feel as though she liked me that much. In recent months I've tried speaking to her about how my father treated my brother and I and brought up the physical abuse and her response is "I don't remember that happening" but then she goes quiet so she does remember. My brother and I remember these instances vividly. I didn't have many friends growing up because i couldn't trust anybody and still have trouble trusting people which has put a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend.

When it came to my leaving cert I had an argument with my dad, I can't remember what it was even about but he told me I would never pass the exams and that I would never amount to anything. Even now nearly 10 years later I still remember those exact words. In short, I passed my exams and had applied to colleges in Dublin but when the time came my mother didn't want me moving out so I had to change my college course and plans to go to a local college instead. I saved my grant money from that course and moved out, I was about a 15 minute drive from my parents. When I was 20 and in my second year of college I met my first serious boyfriend, he was also my first love. He was very manipulative, physically and emotionally abusive. I don't know why I stayed with him, it was only when I caught him in bed with another woman that I left him. I lost a lot of weight from the stress and ended up in hospital as I was under 6 stone. I was in counselling and on anti depressants at the time, during any argument with my dad he would mock me for being in counselling as he is old fashioned and doesn't believe in that type of help.

When I was 22 I used the last of my savings to move out, This time over an hours drive from my parents. I also landed my first job and for the first time I felt truly happy with my life. I was there almost two years before the store closed down, forcing me to move back home with my parents as I as was not financially able to keep my house. My depression and anxiety set back in. I decided to go back to college last September to try something different and improve my chances of finding a job.

I have had multiple rows with my mother recently as my brother is having a wedding abroad and as I'm bridesmaid I am expected to go. My boyfriend and I had been trying to save our money to move out and then my brother informs us his wedding will be abroad which has set us back another year at least to save as we both pay rent and bills at home. The arguments started with my mother as I tried explaining to her that my BF and I are not in the same financial situation as they are, which led her to call me selfish. The arguments got to me that I broke down in front of a teacher at college which was incredibly embarassing.

Last night there was another row which Started after I overheard my mother lying to my father about me to save herself getting in trouble. I went in to clear my name and she flipped out screaming, I told her not to tell lies about me to save herself then we wouldn't have this situation, she of course was screaming over me anytime I tried to speak and then accused me of screaming over her, which escalated into her telling me to "**** off" because she didn't get her own way. I walked away from her in shock and she followed me shouting, I got angry and shouted at her to back off and not to tell lies in future. I'm annoyed at myself for getting so angry. This happens weekly, I feel like I need to go back to counselling but on top of not being able to afford it, I don't feel it'll be beneficial seeing I still have to come home to this

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of writing this, I know the solution would be to move out but the way things are that isn't going to happen until the end of the year at this point. I have applied for jobs so I am keeping my fingers crossed on that front. Is there anybody else in a similar situation that could lend some advice?

ChampagnePop

You need to prioritise getting out of there ASAP. I would think that would be far more important for you and your future than going to this wedding.

intheclouds

Forget the wedding and forget the judgement that anyone will make regarding your decision to go (or not) to the wedding.

The only priority is to get out of there.

Sounds like a horribly toxic environment.

Are you working now? You need to get onto the housing list, speak to citizens info re housing entitlements, speak to social welfare, do whatever it takes to get out.

freshpopcorn

Have you spoken to your brother about your concerns about his wedding abroad?
Regarding moving out I don't really know what advice I can give you bar contacting citizens information or your local welfare officer or have your or your boyfriend have any relatives/friends that might be able to help ye out?

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am so sorry to hear that. Your parents sound like horrible people and in regards to your brothers wedding dont go. If your parents are trying to force you tell them its your decision not theirs with the wedding. You need to move out of home ASAP. You should contact your local city or county council and ask to be placed on the housing list. Then have nothing to do with your parents for the rest of your life and I believe the best way to get out of going to your brothers wedding you should make up an excuse such as that you are going travelling with your boyfriend for six months and that you are saving up for it. Then have nothing to do with your parents dont speak to them and when they die dont attend their funerals. With the abuse you suffered by your father you should go and report it to the Gardai and tell them how it affected you in regards friendships. If there is another agurement you should just walk away and things become phsyical or if its an emergency then phone the Gardai.

Turtle_

Then have nothing to do with your parents for the rest of your life and I believe the best way to get out of going to your brothers wedding you should make up an excuse such as that you are going travelling with your boyfriend for six months and that you are saving up for it.

Or just be honest..? "sorry, I just can't go. I don't have the money, I'm back in college and back living with the folks and they're every bit as bad as they used to be. I'm saving everything I have to move out again, I just don't know how much more of the crap I can take for them. I'm so sorry I can't make it. I wish I could be there for you on your big day".

Brother is likely to be understanding, he knows what they're like.

Plus, lying about going travelling? Two problems with that are claiming to prioritise that over being at her brother's wedding - why can't the travel be postponed? - And also what happens in 6 months when the op isn't off travelling?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies.

@intheclouds - I have applied to the council to be put on a housing list but they have not responded to any emails. I also contacted Focus and they got back me and were telling us they would do their best to help us out but of course they never responded to us after that phone call and that was a few months ago.

In regards to the wedding I explained to my parents and brother that financially we were struggling to pay for it and were saving to rent our own house. This caused a huge fight so we just paid for the wedding to avoid anymore drama, our tickets and acomodation had already been booked for us so we were stuck with paying for it unfortunately. I don't think I would have the heart to lie to my brother about it.

In the last few days my BFs mother has offerered to allow me to move in with them until we get ourselves sorted, it won't be for another few weeks until after the wedding and I complete college but it's a major step forward.

Thank you everyone who took the time to offer your kind advice, it's very much appreciated.

pc7

You poor thing, could you not take his mother up on the offer sooner? Be sure and let your college tutor know the stress you've been under they'll take this into account at exam time. Wishing you the best for the future, as a mother I can't understand how someone could treat their children like this, it really is heartbreaking.