Can people change?

LegacyUser

I'm surprised at myself to be here asking this question. That said, if I even suggest I have been in contact with this person to my family or friends I will infuriate them so much, so here I am, looking for answers online.

Someone who not only cheated on me but lied to me for a period of 18 months has come back in to my life.

If you asked me 2 months ago I would have said that this person was dead to me and I wanted no more to do with them.

During our previous relationship (which lasted over 4 years and was riddled with problems due to his inability to commit and my total obsession with trying to make him) he was closed, guarded, unavailable and unwilling to open up.

So, I entertained a phone-call, which led to a meeting on Sunday and was followed by an impromptu day trip yesterday. It's all happened so fast I haven't been able to catch my breath or my thoughts on it.

Of course we fought, argued, I berated him. He answered all my questions with as much honestly as I feel he is willing to give me (I think he's afraid the real truth will hurt me, but I honestly don't care about details by now). In between the fighting we laughed and hugged and talked and talked. He's open, communicative, relaxed, unguarded - like a different person. He's not looking at the clock trying to get away as he always was before.

He's made no suggestion that he wants to give things a go (I think he's terrified because he really has to earn my trust for a long time before I would consider that) he hasn't flirted, or given off any hint of agenda - although, he has said that he no realises now how special our relationship was

There is NO WAY I would get involved with him romantically or sexually again, not for a long time, so long that if this is just a challenge for him he will get bored and give up.

I have changed, the whole situation, when it happened hit me so hard I completely turned my life around, I got much fitter and took up new hobbies and stopped caring about being in a relationship with anyone. I just want to be in the gym now, getting stronger. So I know my attitude has changed... I think the whole situation had an equally explosive effect on him, as in, he was just recklessly plodding along unawares that his actions might hurt other people. When he managed to break 2 girls hearts and was forced to actually hold his hand up and take responsibility it seems to have struck a chord with him.

Or maybe it's all an act? To either win my trust back, or make himself feel better....

I'm just wondering can people change?

SarahMollie

I wonder if you're being honest with yourself here OP.

If you've no intention of getting back with him, even if not immediately, why are you spending so much time with him?

Also, lots of people are capable of appearing "changed" for a short period of time but often their mask will slip eventually. And if there are going to be big issues with your family and friends accepting him, then is it really worth letting him back into your life?

Sound Bite

I think people CAN change but they rarely do truely change.

If they do manage to change, I find it usually takes a lot of time, years rather than months, they have to really want to change and often it requires additional support like counselling, anger management, addiction support etc.

In sort ues people can change but it usually takes a lot of time and effort

Turtle_

I think it depends on the age of people. If they're still quite young - early 20s or so - I'd say they might have done a bit of growing up and genuinely may have changed. Otherwise I'd be skeptical.

I don't know how you're going to benefit from this situation continuing. If I was in your position I'd be inclined to send him a message saying that you agree how special your previous relationship was, and you're glad that you've met and been on good terms recently. However, you feel it's best to leave things where they are now and move on from each other.

I think you should be wary of opening a can of worms with this. You sound like you're in a good place after a lot of heartache and a lot of hard work. Don't complicate things.

CaraMay

Why don't you want to know the details? Afraid it might burst your bubble. You are dancing with the devil op. He treated you like crap for years!! Please have some self respect and walk away.

eviltwin

It's impossible to say if he's changed or not because the person you met wasn't your boyfriend, he was just someone you were meeting for a casual day out. Get back together, throw in the usual relationship drama and the familiarity that goes with being with the same person and who knows what might happen.

Of course people can change, many do and he might be one of them but are you really willing to take the chance?

Instead of focusing on the changes in him look at the changes in yourself. You've managed to come back from heartbreak and improved yourself, you seem to be in a good place....why would you take a step back? I know you said you weren't interested in him - yet - but be careful. It's very easy to slip back into a familiar relationship but seeing as he still is being cagey and you are unsure of his intentions I'd take that as a sign that he's only changed to suit his own agenda.

intheclouds

Why do you even want to know if he has changed? Unless you are entertaining another relationship with him?

As the scorpion said to the maiden as she lay dying..."you knew what I was when you picked me up".

irishgirl19

Its an act op!
He'll say everything you want to hear and then will do it again a few months later

batmanrobin

eviltwin wrote: »

It's impossible to say if he's changed or not because the person you met wasn't your boyfriend, he was just someone you were meeting for a casual day out. Get back together, throw in the usual relationship drama and the familiarity that goes with being with the same person and who knows what might happen.

Of course people can change, many do and he might be one of them but are you really willing to take the chance?

Instead of focusing on the changes in him look at the changes in yourself. You've managed to come back from heartbreak and improved yourself, you seem to be in a good place....why would you take a step back? I know you said you weren't interested in him - yet - but be careful. It's very easy to slip back into a familiar relationship but seeing as he still is being cagey and you are unsure of his intentions I'd take that as a sign that he's only changed to suit his own agenda.

I'd agree with this.

OP, I'm trying to change the way I interact in relationships and it's bloody hard! It is not something that happens overnight or even after a few months. It is a conscious choice not to react how you used to react! It's a fundamental, at the core of who you are, kinda change.

You seem to be doing so well. Proceed with extreme caution! Honestly, I think you should do what another poster suggested and bid him farewell.

beks101

batmanrobin wrote: »

OP, I'm trying to change the way I interact in relationships and it's bloody hard! It is not something that happens overnight or even after a few months. It is a conscious choice not to react how you used to react! It's a fundamental, at the core of who you are, kinda change.

I think this is very true. Behavioural changes like this take years of conscious hard work, often therapy or cognitive re-programming to tackle. Brain rewiring kind of stuff.

Your ex was obviously a master manipulator to have lured you in and kept you stringing along for so many years. I think the odds of him doing the exact same thing again with this new nicey-nicey let's-get-to-know-each-other-again act are a lot higher than him having gone through some major transformations and being this shiny new human being who suddenly has all this respect for you.

You've obviously been through the mill with him and have come through and changed your life for the better. Is he worth risking all that?

Rekop dog

I'd imagine he's just attracted to you again now you've got yourself fitter since the break up. Could have been a reason why he strayed in the relationship if you got too comfortable and let yourself go a bit and attraction waned on his part.

lelo100

Be so careful with this. Meeting up with him may reignite your attachment to him. That's gonna make it more difficult to get away from him again. For your own happiness leave him be. Wait for a good decent guy to come into your life. Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn't treat you well. You deserve better.

ellie1

Can people change? Yes they can. Has he changed? Who cares?

The most important thing is you have changed. You took a situation where your heart was broken and when you were anxious, depressed and angry you turned it into something positive.

You have been given the situation again... He is not being clear on what he wants again, he is giving you mixed messages again, he is hooking you in again. If this man wants to get back with you he needs to say it, yes he runs the risk of rejection however if he has changed and recognised how much is previous behaviour has impacted then he should be able to stand up and own his feelings.

Ultimately, it comes down to you. Already you have doubts hence why you are on here. Yes you may want to believe he has changed and this has helped restore your ego in some way.

Thread carefully. Don't forget how far you have come without him.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

You know; I hadn't looked at it like that. I really have come out the other side a much stronger, better person. I've been doing great and I am really happy.

I guess the temptation to play this out and see what he wants is great.

Anyway, I totally take on board that I need to change my natural reactions where all relationships (but particularly this one) are concerned. I had him on a pedastel for 4 years so it's very easy to revert back to that mentality.

Last night he wanted to come over but my mum had said she'd call over for tea and I didn't want to see him a third night on the trot but he was texting away and then all of a sudden mid conversation around 8pm he went off line and my texts didn't deliver until almost mid-night. Now, during that time I immediately assumed he was with some other girl or back with the girl from before....

Either way, even though it didn't hurt me as much as before to think about those things It really showed me how little I trust him and how that would badly impact even a friendship.

He'd actually dropped his phone and had to go borrow one from a friend but I explained I couldn't trust him anymore, he said he understood and would do all he could to win back my trust but I said I didn't see the point, it would be exhausting for both of us and there's no end goal. He wants to meet up and chat about it so I said I'd sleep on it and we'd talk later today.

It's 2pm and he's already phoned me twice, texted all morning and suggested meeting up later (Said I'd play by ear). This is someone who I might have seen once or twice a week at best and would literally just go off the radar for days at a time.

It's too much

Merkin

I think you're kidding yourself and you do want to get back with him. Even if I've read you completely wrong and you are only interested in 'friendship' like you mention, I genuinely don't know why you'd want to be friends with someone who is so clearly dishonest and disrespectful.

Why open up old wounds and even allow him the time of day? You've been talking to him a few times today already, obviously communicating by text and may actually meet him later? For the fourth time this week? He's got you wrapped around his finger.

In all honesty, what is going through your mind? Because you're saying one thing and doing the opposite.

eviltwin

There is quite a bit of ego stroking going on here. The guy who treated you so bad is now back on a charm offensive having seen the error of his ways.....it feels nice to have the power in your hands for a change. That's natural but it's a dangerous game. This guy was able to cheat on you for 18 months so he's not thick and he knows exactly what he's doing. I wouldn't let this contact continue because it's just going to make it harder to end it. Remember, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

Irish_Elect_Eng

As others have said, people can change, but rarely do long term. Even if they change through conscious effort, they will tend to revert during times of stress.

You have done well to recover from a broken relationship and have moved on.

Trust is the basis for all relationships, without it there is nothing to build on.

Take care of yourself.

Augme

People can change, as mentioned it's very difficult though. From what you've said it's very clear this guy hasn't changed though, you're getting played OP.

batmanrobin

I have to agree with everyone else, OP. He's playing you and you're not even realising it.

Look, I'd say most of us have been there - that one ex who really got under the skin and it's so hard to stay away. You want to believe he's changed. But I think if you were to give things a go with him, it wouldn't take long for the bloom to fall off the rose. Hell, he could just be chancing his arm to see if he can still have you as a backup option!

Don't allow this man to worm his way back into your life. Repeat what you said to him about there being no point and then block him! You need to block him. He behaved so badly towards you, you'd be perfectly entitled to block him.

Leave him in the past.

Idle Passerby

Run away and dont look back. All this guy wants is to reassure himself youll always be there as his fallback option. You have years of evidence to back that up. Walk away before he sucks you back in with the charm offensive.

Idle Passerby

Run away and dont look back. All this guy wants is to reassure himself youll always be there as his fallback option. You have years of evidence to back that up. Walk away before he sucks you back in with the charm offensive.

Estrellita

unsuregirl6 wrote: »

he was texting away and then all of a sudden mid conversation around 8pm he went off line and my texts didn't deliver until almost mid-night. Now, during that time I immediately assumed he was with some other girl or back with the girl from before....

He'd actually dropped his phone and had to go borrow one from a friend but I explained I couldn't trust him anymore, he said he understood and would do all he could to win back my trust but I said I didn't see the point,

Unless Id seen his phone smashed in bits, I still wouldn't believe him. Even at that, you shouldn't have to. The damage is done, you wont trust him again.

He didn't have a one night stand, he pulled the wool over your eyes for a year and a half. Lets get down to the facts. He intentionally saw someone else for that length of time, knowing he could hurt you, and was making a fool out of you. Please, I'm not calling you that, but I'm sure he thought he was being quite clever. People like him are never genuinely sorry, they are just sorry they were caught!

You've spent a long time rebuilding your confidence. Why don't you cut ties with him, wait it out and find someone who has more love and respect for you than to treat you the way this guy did? He has gotten into your head again, get him out! Your family and friends would only tell you the same, that's why you won't tell them.

Shake him off, and good luck!