Did he want out?

LegacyUser

Hello, i'd appreciate some feedback on this situation. I met a guy on a dating site last Summer: went on few dates which went well, no physical contact and all very respectful but i felt chemistry from the outset. i should add that he's a separated father (c. 2yrs separated) in his early 40s, similar age to me but ive never been married. Guess i wasnt assertive enough to ask his intentions but contact reverted to texting soon after 3rd date. I assumed he wasnt interested and found out in interim that his wife was exceptionally glamorous. However, we shared a similar sense of humour and i enjoyed his texts (very friendly, appropriate, nothing sleazy). i think 4 days was the longest without contact over a 4 month period and we took turns in initiating texts.
He moved house late last year and suggested we meet again. i had very low expectations but date went swimmingly and he arranged a further meet up within days. Fast forward to development of a relationship where we met midweek and on weekends when he didnt have kids around. Physical aspect progressed but i never felt it was the main focus. Must say i hadnt met any siblings or family members but felt it was a little early.
i sensed a change in him a couple of weeks ago, he phoned to say his phone wasnt texting properly and he asked me to text him on a date a few days later. My name appeared as a false male name and i got upset and walked out momentarily. He explained that he didnt want his pre teen daughter reading our messages which i accepted but feared he was keeping me under wraps. Anyhow, i apologised and all was ok for a few days. He texted on a Sunday evening saying he forgot to tell me his ex wife would be away from midweek, so basically he had to mind kids and we couldnt meet for 2-3 weeks (already knew he was away at Easter). i was shocked, felt let down and sent a text saying i was disappointed, followed by a few others saying he didnt seem too perturbed and asking if he wished to break up by text.. Know i shouldnt have reacted but was hurt and upset particularly as i wasnt getting answers. he had texted to say he was going to bed, but nothing else. i sense he wanted out. Anyhow, i missed a couple of calls from him that evening (was out at work event and couldnt answer but apologised by text). i sent a light text on day before paddy's day but got no response..
Let it sit for a week, drank lots of wine and sent a slightly grovelling text on Tuesday saying i felt a real connection and friendship and would like to salvage what we had. He did respond with some nice comments but said he has to think about everything and was shocked at how upset i became. Mentioned something about possibility of kids moving in with him in future (very attentive and loving dad) but it rings a little hollow. I assume he wants out, perhaps was never ready for committment but i really liked him and feel utterly disappointed. Perhaps i was played but i'd like to think time frame goes against that. Perhaps he got scared. Assume there's nothing i can do or should i call his bluff and end it in attempt to salvage friendship. Sorry for being so long-winded..it's wrecking my head as i really liked him. Thanks

magneticimpulse

Why Did his marriage end? Does he live in a separate place to his ex wife? You say he is gone away for Easter? Who did he go with?

I can understand kids are involved and it's early days but it seems bizarre you've been in contact with him since summer and have had no introduction to anyone in his life even over christmas/new year etc. what did ye do for valentines? Your birthday? Christmas? - all those events will show clearly his intentions by his actions.

ellie1

I understand your reluctance to ask what his intentions so early because people are just getting to know each other. How is either side to know what they want. Even if your intention is to have a serious relationship, you may have discovered you didn't want a serious relationship with him.

All was going well here and then you felt you weren't prioritised or thought about etc then you let him know this through your texts therefore allowing him to see that the nice thing you had going wasn't enough for you ie: you may have come across as demanding, insecure and needy.

He has children you still need him a lot so you can't be number one.

You take this time to think about what would make you happy. Will you be happy when he has to cancel last minute because a child is sick, sad school event etc...

Sending reactive texts and/or drunken texts is not a good idea. Apologising for feeling disappointed is not a good idea.

The best thing for you to do is to sit back, make no contact.

CaraMay

I had a friend who was in the exact same boat as you and she was driven half mad by it all. He didn't want her meeting friends or family as the ex might hear and drag it up in court etc etc

He had the kids every second weekend too and she never got to visit him in his home town. Bottom line is that she found out he was keeping his options open and a number of women on the go. It's easy when you can compartmentalise your life.

This relationship isn't worth the head wreck either. He's not in a place to give you what you want and no relationship is worth the stress. Everything will be on his terms for a long time to come. It would really surprise me if he isn't seeing other people. It would explain the lack of contact and sudden plans. Even if he isn't, this isn't going to work unless you are happy to sit back and take the scraps off his table.

How did you know your name came up as a male name on his phone?

mapaca

One thing occurred to me while reading your post - are you absolutely sure he's separated? The mid-week dates, the fact you haven't met any of his friends, family, your name disguised on his phone, something doesn't sit right. Forgive me if I'm being too cynical!

batmanrobin

mapaca wrote: »

One thing occurred to me while reading your post - are you absolutely sure he's separated? The mid-week dates, the fact you haven't met any of his friends, family, your name disguised on his phone, something doesn't sit right. Forgive me if I'm being too cynical!

That was my thinking. What person would have someone in under a different name unless they were hiding something?

SouthernBelle

mapaca wrote: »

One thing occurred to me while reading your post - are you absolutely sure he's separated? The mid-week dates, the fact you haven't met any of his friends, family, your name disguised on his phone, something doesn't sit right. Forgive me if I'm being too cynical!

Unfortunately this was my first thought too. I hope that's not the.case for your sake OP.

Calypso Realm

What struck me on reading your post was his interest-for whatever reason-was/is only lukewarm from the onset. In my experience, interested guys act interested, they're anxious to lock you down before they lose you to another man! In your case, there appears to be a long time lapse between the 3rd and 4th dates. This disparity in your respective interest levels would certainly explain why he appeared to be shocked at your reaction to what most likely he regards as a casual dating. In addition, since you met on a dating site it's entirely possible he's seeing other women as well.

Sorry, OP I would let this one go. DON'T contact him at all from now on. Those last few texts would come across as a bit desperate and clingy so you need to redeem yourself from now on. Time to move on!

SouthernBelle

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Sorry, OP I would let this one go. DON'T contact him at all from now on. Those last few texts would come across as a bit desperate and clingy so you need to redeem yourself from now on. Time to move on!

I agree with this. Walk away with your dignity.

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for your replies. He is definitely separated as i stayed in his place on a few occasions; no sign of woman's touch about the home etc. I take your point about his attitude towards the relationship; probably saw it as a casual fling which would explain his shock at my reactions. Unfortunately i've got quite emotionally involved; will have to pick up the pieces i suppose.
He's away on a stag weekend over Easter, did get drunken text last night saying he was thinking of me; obviously Guinness propelled!! Appreciate your insights, had been expecting the worst but am better prepared now. Thanks..

2rkehij30qtza5

I think I'd let him go. There's too much cloak and dagger going on. If he was really interested in you he'd be terrified of someone else stealing you in between all the long gaps between dates. He'd act interested. He is not behaving in this way. Things seem too messy from his end too. Why not try meet someone else with less 'mess' and more interest and commitment. Good luck.