Can't stop thinking about him

LegacyUser

A few months ago, my relationship of over 10 years went through a bad patch. First he was confused and didn't know if he wanted to carry on - he regretted not travelling, questioned the relationship, etc. I was in a bad way but got through it. Then he said he wanted to give it another go. Things were great for about a week and then we had an argument and he said he wanted to end things again. I was in bits again, by this time I had a bit more strength and I knew that whatever happened I would come through it. In fact, I realised that the one good thing to come from this was that I would be single again and going out on a few dates and having sex with other people would bring a bit of excitement into my life...

As background, we've been together since my early 20s. I had hardly any sexual experience before meeting him - not through lack of interest from men - I just never met anyone I really liked that much and I wasn't really into one night stands. When I got with him, we really were mad about each other and it was a great relationship. We moved into together after 6 months and we've been best friends ever since. We were probably a bit too sensible as we didn't take many holidays as we were always saving for a house/wedding. Stupidly, we decided to invest our saving into to "sure thing" (that vast majority of which was my money), didn't sell at the right time and now we have a huge paper loss. We've decided to just leave it there for now in case it recovers. So we had to start saving all over again. We did, and bought a house which needed a bit of work and we're getting there. Not much more to be done though - bits and pieces which are mainly cosmetic. So, our relationship had been very good for the most part, if a bit unexciting. The bad investment has affected me a bit as I earned a good bit less money as him and I took the biggest hit. Every now again I just think what we could be doing with that money and all i had to sacrifice to save it.

So while we were on this break-up we were still living together, as moving out wasn't really an option for us. We agreed we would see other people if we wanted to. I met a man online and we really clicked we went on one or two dates. In the meantime, my partner sent me a long email to say he felt like he we were making a big mistake. I agreed and we said we'd give it another go. However, this guy I met online was in the back of my mind. I wasn't giving my full affection to my partner and it didn't feel right, so I ended things this time. I think I felt I hadn't properly gotten "the seeing the other people thing out of my system" either. I was also scared to commit to going ahead and getting married / having kids in case his feelings came back 2 years down the line and I'd be left a single, divorcée mother...

I've been in a few more dates with this guy since. For work reasons and me not wanting to rush things we haven't seen each other as much as we could've. We pretty much text everyday and gave a good laugh. The sex was pretty good and we really had a chemistry there.

So I'm kinda seeing this guy and still living with my partner (we are both aware we're off and again agreed we can see other people). He's been away a bit, so I kinda restricted my going out to when he wasn't there as I didn't want to rub it in his face. We're still getting on well while we're living together.

I decided I wanted to give things another go with my partner (I think I might've rushed into this though), so I end things with the guy I was seeing. And my partner and I talk and we say we want to give it another go but not rush things... The thing is though, I keep thinking of this other guy constantly.

I'm not sure how things are going with my partner either. We're getting on, but we always did, even when we weren't together. Something seems to be missing...maybe that's normal after only getting back together. I'm also not sure if I'm attracted to him physically anymore. At this moment in time I don't want to marry him or have kids either.

I'm not sure if I want to be with this other guy. I don't think we'd work long-term for a few reasons (which are probably silly). I don't know if I just miss the sex (which, remember I've not had a lot of). Maybe I just miss the fun of getting texts off him and the flirting. Or maybe I just associate him with a time where I felt free, found myself a little bit again, had sex with someone else and I miss that time and now I'm back to what I consider the old reliable..

I really don't know what's going on in my head. The sensible thing would be to forget about him and make things work with my partner, but I just can't stop thinking about this guy. I know I can see him again also if I want to.

Can anyone try and make sense of what I'm feeling?!

dudara

Personally, I think you're letting this concept of not having enough sex guide you, or else you're using it as a smokescreen. There's nothing wrong with only having one or a few partners. Quality is what matters here.

I think you need to step away from both men and take sometime by yourself. You and your long-term partner seem to be on and off more times than a light switch. And you've initiated a physical relationship with another guy while still sharing a house with your ex. It's all very turbulent. How you see clearly when you're this close?

Idle Passerby

Its a good rule of thumb that if you cant choose between two romantic interests, chose neither and be by yourself for a while.

It sounds a bit like yourself and your ex are humming and hawing about getting back together because its the easiest option. It all sounds a bit loveless really. Your living together and apparently fine with having other sexual partners. Whats the impetus to get back together other than financial and getting on well?

magneticimpulse

I think you should end it with your partner for good. If you really loved him, I don't think you could have had sex with someone else as you did. Having sex with multiple people is a very hollow experience. I don't know why people feel they are missing out by not having multiple sexual partners.

LegacyUser

Of course you're feeling as you do about your partner. Both of you are all over the place about the relationship. You both don't really know if you want to be together, you're both doubting each other. You're each other's emotional crutches and you don't want to be alone. I went through similar and the thing I regret is not taking the time to heal, even if the end seemed to be amicable, you need the time to readjust your life to being alone and independent. If you don't fully do that then anytime you're lonely or need something you fall back into the relationship, but it will feel it's missing something because you've moved on in your head and heart, just not fully so and it functions now as a comforting fall back. You can't go on living together as this will inevitably happen. I suggest one of you moves out and give each other the space, it may be hard but it's necessary. The new guy sounds good for you. Your partner doesn't sound like he's right for you, he was the one who initially wanted to end things and was doubting he wanted to be with you. I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt like that. And now you doubt how you feel too. Fully extract yourself from the relationship and don't jump into anything else till you're feeling totally content on your own.

LegacyUser

Wow...that's a lot of splitting up and reuniting. Reading your post it reminds me of my 7 year relationship (minus the on again off again). I had feelings for a Co worker so ended it with my long term partner. It didn't work out with my Co worker and I didn't get back with my long term partner.
I'm glad I did it as I needed to be by myself for awhile. I personally think you should end it with both and focus on yourself.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

Personally, I think you're letting this concept of not having enough sex guide you, or else you're using it as a smokescreen. There's nothing wrong with only having one or a few partners. Quality is what matters here

dudara wrote: »

Personally, I think you're letting this concept of not having enough sex guide you, or else you're using it as a smokescreen. There's nothing wrong with only having one or a few partners. Quality is what matters here.

Hi, OP here.

Thing is, there's not been a lot of sex in my long-term relationship either, for a long time. After about 2/3 years the sex just waned and we never really got it back. I just seemed to lose my sex-drive.

While the rest of the relationship was geat - we genuinely loved and cared for each other, got on great, had a laugh and were quite tactile outside the bedroom - it was pretty much a sexless relationship. Maybe only doing it 2,3,4 times a year.

So while I didn't really have any sex before him, I wasn't really having it with him either.

Tbh, this actually didn't bother me for a long time because the rest of our relationship was so good. I did think about going to a sex-therapist, but never did. It's only when he wanted to end things and I thought going out with other men might be good for me, but then he wanted to try again, I felt that I still wanted to see other men and get that out of my system. It's like once the idea was in my head, I couldn't get it out.

LegacyUser

lou_81 wrote: »

Of course you're feeling as you do about your partner. Both of you are all over the place about the relationship. You both don't really know if you want to be together, you're both doubting each other. You're each other's emotional crutches and you don't want to be alone.

After we got back together the second time, he assured me he knew that he had no doubts that he wanted to be with he. He said he was going through a bit of a mid-life crisis where he was questioning and reevaluating everything. I do believe him too.

Merkin

This is a complete no brainer, you clearly shouldn't be with either of these guys. You also really need to come to alternative living arrangements with the guy you live with because it's just stopping both of you moving on and is dragging the arse out if it quite frankly. You also can't be involved with the online dating guy because you've already messed him about and your heart is not in it.

It's clear that you have always chosen the sensible path in life so I think maybe it's time you threw caution to the wind and go and make up for the lost time you clearly crave. It's not at all healthy to spend 7+ years in a sexless relationship when you're only in your 20s/30s, why on earth would anyone see this as fulfilling? You should also take some serious time out by yourself either through travelling or just really challenging yourself.

magneticimpulse

Merkin wrote: »

This is a complete no brainer, you clearly shouldn't be with either of these guys. You also really need to come to alternative living arrangements with the guy you live with because it's just stopping both of you moving on and is dragging the arse out if it quite frankly. You also can't be involved with the online dating guy because you've already messed him about and your heart is not in it.

It's clear that you have always chosen the sensible path in life so I think maybe it's time you threw caution to the wind and go and make up for the lost time you clearly crave. It's not at all healthy to spend 7+ years in a sexless relationship when you're only in your 20s/30s, why on earth would anyone see this as fulfilling? You should also take some serious time out by yourself either through travelling or just really challenging yourself.

While I agree with everything you say for the op to take a break from both guys.

Single life doesn't automatically equal great sex life....if anything you can spend several years sexless, alone etc til you meet someone you click with or want to have sex.i think sometimes people can get ahead of themselves thinking single people is at it like rabbits. Even those who fancy a fling or one night stand you might soon question your risk to sexual health.

Wesser

I think you need to seperate from the first guy anyway. I don't think it is a sustainable relationship. Only having sex twice a year? That does not sound good and you don't even have kids.

The second guy it sounds more exciting but do you think it is ok to bring him in to your house behind your exes back? I assume your ex has paid for at least some of the house.... Seems at bit unfair to have another guy over in the house that he has paid for...



What to is going to happen to your 2 houses when you break up? Are you going to split the debt? Why did you buy a second house when you already had a debt on the first? Actually coming to think of it.... How did you get a mortgage on the second if the first was a bad debt!!??

I don't understand why you bought a second house together, you were together many years at that stage and he had not proposed, did that not ring alarm bells for you? You were in a sexless relationship, why did you buy a second house with him?

Anyway my advice is.... Sell
Both houses, go off and enjoy yourself.... You will not be able to
Do this unless you cut the ties fully, it will be tough at the beginning. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Wesser wrote: »

I think you need to seperate from the first guy anyway. I don't think it is a sustainable relationship. Only having sex twice a year? That does not sound good and you don't even have kids.

The second guy it sounds more exciting but do you think it is ok to bring him in to your house behind your exes back? I assume your ex has paid for at least some of the house.... Seems at bit unfair to have another guy over in the house that he has paid for...



What to is going to happen to your 2 houses when you break up? Are you going to split the debt? Why did you buy a second house when you already had a debt on the first? Actually coming to think of it.... How did you get a mortgage on the second if the first was a bad debt!!??

I don't understand why you bought a second house together, you were together many years at that stage and he had not proposed, did that not ring alarm bells for you? You were in a sexless relationship, why did you buy a second house with him?

Anyway my advice is.... Sell
Both houses, go off and enjoy yourself.... You will not be able to
Do this unless you cut the ties fully, it will be tough at the beginning. Best of luck.

I never brought the guy I met online back to the house. We said from the outset if we went out with anyone else that we wouldn't be bringing anyone back.

The first investment wasn't a house, so there's only one house. I know it sounds mad, as we pretty much had a sexless relationship, but we genuinely loved and cared for each other. Still do. Maybe it's not the right kind of love though.

Wesser

PS. How much debt are we talking about here? Maybe you should think about hiring a lawyer and forget about the rest of the stuff.

acon2119

Wesser wrote: »

PS. How much debt are we talking about here? Maybe you should think about hiring a lawyer and forget about the rest of the stuff.

I think the lady was looking for advice on her relationships, not a cross examination of her personal debt/wealth

2rkehij30qtza5

Quote from Johnny Depp-"if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."
I don't think you love your partner in the 'right' way. I think you need to end your current on/off longterm relationship. Whether you stay single for a while or have a thing with this new guy is up to you. You need to move out (either you or current partner). Living together while split up will not work. I think having a fling with the other guy has just shown you that you & your partner are not meant to be..