Female, 36, single.

LegacyUser

Over the past year it's REALLY hitting me that I am fed up being single. I would love to have someone there to love, talk to, sleep with, consider and be there for each other in good times and bad. The past few months - for the first time in my life I am also thinking I would like children but at my age and being single I feel it is never going to happen and the past few weeks I am getting really upset about it.

I have been single for some time, I work long hours - which I enjoy, however I never get asked out the odd time I go out. I'm tall and slim but not a "pretty" girl. I looked at online dating for a few weeks but most I showed my picture to cut the conversation short after viewing my picture. It really upset me and hit my confidence as much as I tried not to. I think I have a lot to offer the right guy - I just cannot seem to find him. The two I did meet online, I just didn't feel any more than friendship. I will not "settle" for the sake of it - I know so many who have. I don't think I come across as very needy to guys.

I am exhausted when I get home so I don't go out much in the evenings. I go to pilates and for long walks when I have time. My friends have all settled and have their own young families so I feel isolated from them now too. I cannot really reduce my hours at the moment so I just do not know what to do to meet mew people with very limited time.

I am very career focused and I honestly NEVER wanted to have children. This year, I am really starting to think I really do want them. Never thought I'd say that. I don't have a big family so even weekends are starting to fill me with dread and I just wish them over. I can be shy so to go join classes etc are hard for me - and time is never really on my side.

I'm not looking to hear about timing etc. - I am 36! Men seem to want younger than that! On the outside, I have a great, hassle free life, inside I feel like I am starting to fall apart and it is getting harder to smile. I left work early one day last week and wet home and cried - on my own which is not like me.

Anybody else in the same position or been there recently???

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I know it is terrible to be in this situation especially at 36. So my advice to you would be to go to a singles bar you can check out if there is any and you can go and you may never know you might meet the man of your dreams and he may be the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with. With regards to having children 36 isnt too old at all to have children as nowadays a lot of women tend to wait until well into their 30s and even 40s and there are lots of fertility clinics that you can go to if you are struggling to concieve. And with your friends moving on you can always find new friends. The best place for that would be a meetup in your area where you meet people and ye do things together such as going for a meal, to the cinema, for a coffee etc. If youre feeling really down you can always go and see your GP and even see a councillor.

beks101

Try online dating again and this time put your photos on your profile to avoid any confusion/deflation again. Put some time into your profile, be upbeat, positive and honest about what you're looking for. And take it all with a pinch of salt.

Any friends that could introduce you to some male friends-of-friends or relatives who may know someone you might get along with? You're obviously professionally successful and independent - sometimes it can make people think "ah sure she likes to be on her own/she's not looking for a partner". Don't be afraid to ask or put it out there that you'd like to meet someone. Most of my relationships have been with guys I met through friends or knew from my wider social circle.

Any prospects in the workplace? Obviously dating an immediate colleague is a massive risk, let alone signalling your interest in one, but lots of people meet their partners through work. It's immediately a massive thing you have in common with someone and they'll understand your hours etc. Any work sports teams you could join or nights out you could start going to?

Very rarely (if at all, especially in Ireland) will a man walk up to you on the street or even approach on a night out if you're there with your buddies enjoying yourself, so that's not something that should make you feel inadequate or anything, Sounds to me more like an issue of just not being 'out there', perhaps due to your long working hours and a circle of friends who are all attached.

LegacyUser

Hi Ryan Mac Sweeney,
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I could never in a million years go to a singles bar on my own, I would be too far out of my comfort zone. Probably sounds silly but I just couldn't do that. I'm in a rural enough area so there aren't a huge amount of things going on. I have looked up Facebook etc to see what is going on. The few exercise classes I went to, people were in groups and kinda stayed in their groups of 2 or 3s.
I think by the time I meet someone, get to know them and see if we are right for ech other, I would be hitting my late 30's. I'm also conscious of the risks. I know there are always risks but maybe more so at that age.
Maybe I should try talk to a councillor, I guess it can't do any harm.
Thanks again.

blueyes12

Hi Op
I could have written that post myself so I really understand what you are going through to a certain degree, I'm also 36 and single but unlike you I have a child from a previous relationship. Like you I tried the online dating for a couple of weeks at different times over the past few years with not great success mainly on my part I never really gave it longer than three or four weeks, a couple of dates but nothing more. I wouldn't say I'm picky at all it's just I'm a lot more disserning now and have done a lot of work on myself over the years. What I would say is trying to build up your confidence and sense of self worth is one of the best things you can do for yourself, when you are happy in your own skin and confident this carries itself off in all areas of your life
Join some groups or go to singles nights as suggested ( I've not tried singles nights)you never know who will see your light

Dial Hard

Ryan Mac Sweeney wrote:

So my advice to you would be to go to a singles bar you can check out if there is any and you can go and you may never know you might meet the man of your dreams and he may be the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

What in God's name is a singles' bar?

silverharp

on my own wrote: »

I'm not looking to hear about timing etc. - I am 36! Men seem to want younger than that! On the outside, I have a great, hassle free life, inside I feel like I am starting to fall apart and it is getting harder to smile. I left work early one day last week and wet home and cried - on my own which is not like me.

Anybody else in the same position or been there recently???

you are in a difficult position, for someone to meet you in the near future and get to know to the point of wanting to have kids with you you are talking 2 to 3 years and that would have you only in a position to have kids when you are 39.
What I would say is be flexible regarding age or a man that may have been married or have kids from a prior relationship. possibly consider some kind of introduction service? (if such a thing exists?) it might short circuit some of the messing you might have to put with as part of online dating

on my own

on my own wrote: »

I will not "settle" for the sake of it - I know so many who have.

Hi OP,

When reading your post the above quote is what stuck out for me. It shows that even though you have a longing inside of you to find love and have a baby, that you value yourself enough to not settle. This may seem obvious, I mean why be with someone who doesn't feel right for you? Yet it happens over and over again. People make bad choices for different reasons, because they are scared, scared of being alone, of not having a family. Be proud of yourself for who you are as an individual.

I'm a single woman too and at 34 I worry and sometimes I ache inside for something. It's like a little voice that appears asking "when will it be my turn". I get lonely. I cry. Sometimes all I want is to be held and loved by a man. No games or hurt just something real. As time goes on however I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe there won't be that one man with whom I will share the rest of my life with. Instead maybe there will be different men at different times.

I have no advice for you on how to meet someone. All I can offer is my understanding. Yes you can try online dating again, join a club, work on your confidence, all of the usual things that get trotted out. But you know there is something so empty in those suggestions. I can't really explain what I mean.
I've tried online dating, I've made an effort to be more social, and I'm still single. So are many of my friends. Wonderful men and women.

There aren't any strategies or tricks I believe in finding love. It is much much simpler than that. Two people at the right time in the right place. Connection. Luck. A choice to give it a go.
I hope you find your right time and place OP.

Keane2baMused

Dial Hard wrote: »

What in God's name is a singles' bar?

I think it's something from an American Movie Never heard of one in real life!

OP I can honestly just suggest that you put yourself out there. Make the push and join some clubs and sporting groups (if you're so inclined). Not only will it boost your confidence but you will realise that when you least expect it the right person will walk into your life. Some people are lucky to meet the 'one' early in life and some don't meet that person for many years.

I know how easy it is to shy away from these situations. To the public eye I am a confident person who can talk to anyone, total social butterfly! Actually though I am the total opposite. As the years go on I feel more and more introverted, I even find direct eye contact difficult!

But, I have found faking it til you make it actually does help. Not everyone will ooze confidence. But confidence does attract people. Even if it's a little bit put on, inevitably it will improve how you feel because people will respond to it.

Best of luck

topmanamillion

Your story is very common and there are so many men and women out there in the exact same boat.
Your clearly in the mood for change so try to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Fight the tiredness after work. If you're anything like me you're exhausted after work and put off gym and things like that but still end up staying up late.
It's all about making time.

As for online dating, speaking from experience, it's an extremely fickle place. You really can't read anything into people not replying or take things to heart. Chances are if someone has caught your eye they've done the same for others and you've plenty of competition.

As has been suggested maybe put your photo up to remove confusion. Remember you only need to be lucky once!
Best of luck.

I can't advise you from my own experience because I met my partner when I was a teenager and we've stuck together.

However.

A close friend that I've grown up with found herself in your shoes and she decided she was looking for a husband and that this was her mission.

She contacted all of her trusted friends and asked them to set her up on blind dates with any single men that they liked and respected. We did as she asked and she had a dozen dates over a few months.

She simultaneously signed up to a few paid dating sites and went on every single date she was invited on.

The bottom line is, she found her man. She was in Dublin and he was in a northern county 5 hrs drive away but they have made it work and are now married and blissfully happy and he has moved down.

She decided she wanted to do this and she went for it with great determination until she eventually met him. She decided she couldn't wait for a man to come along any more. She went for it, and found a man looking for the exact same things. It's worth a try OP!

seamus

on my own wrote: »

however I never get asked out the odd time I go out.

This bit specifically stood out to me. As most men will tell you through hard learning, if your expectation of going out is that someone is going to come up to you and chat to you, you're going to be waiting. It has nothing to do with how attractive you are.

It's the simple fact that most men and women don't have the confidence to go up to a complete stranger and start a conversation. You don't go up to attractive men and chat them up, right? And they don't come over and chat you up for the exact same reason.

As others have mentioned, expanding your dating pool and getting out of your comfort zone are kind of what's needed. Going to the pub once every six weeks and standing around waiting for someone to talk to you, is not going to work. Have frank discussions with your good friends - ask them to set up dates with their single male friends. Get onto dating sites, aim to go on one date a week, or two a month if that's too much. The more you do it, the less terrified and awkward you will feel.
Sure, you'll hit a few duds, a few dates that end up being an hour long before you just bail. But even that's better than sitting at home wondering why you haven't met anyone.

CaraMay

The other option is to go ahead and have a child yourself. A girl I know who is in her 40's has had a child via sperm donor. Mr right just never came along for her and she now has an amazing little girl. Not saying you wont meet mr right but there are ways to move on without him

magicmushroom

CaraMay wrote: »

The other option is to go ahead and have a child yourself. A girl I know who is in her 40's has had a child via sperm donor. Mr right just never came along for her and she now has an amazing little girl. Not saying you wont meet mr right but there are ways to move on without him

This was actually what I was thinking too.
If you really, really want children I wouldn't wait around for someone else in order to make that happen.

If I were in your shoes (which I kind of I am but a bit younger - not much though!) then I would be looking at going down this route. It's something I read about when I see an article, as it's always in the back of my mind I may one day have to do this.

A man will come along in time but having a child is only an option for you for a little while longer.

silverharp

it seems a little risky to set out to be a single parent, what about if such a mother got cancer, or some other serious medical issue, you are choosing to take a bet that nothing bad happens to you in the next 20 years, it's one thing to find yourself in that position, its another to actively choose it.

pookie82

CaraMay wrote: »

The other option is to go ahead and have a child yourself. A girl I know who is in her 40's has had a child via sperm donor. Mr right just never came along for her and she now has an amazing little girl. Not saying you wont meet mr right but there are ways to move on without him

This only solves one of her issues, though - the child bearing one.

The OP is also seeking companionship, a life partner, someone to come home to, hug, be intimate with, support, be supported by ... only things another adult can fulfill. A child might go some way to fill an emotional gap but it's not the same at all as having an equal partner to share the entire thing with.

It's also (from what I understand) one of the biggest commitments and undertakings a human will ever go through - responsibility for another human being. It's not to be done lightly and I'd have reservations about embarking on it alone deliberately.

For me, it'd be as much about doing all of these things, including becoming a parent, WITH someone as doing them at all.

Confucius say

Personally speaking I wouldn't be a fan of online dating at all. It's fickle and hard on the old self. I've found that doing more stuff helps. Always say yes when people ask you to do things, at work, friends, relatives etc. Just get out there and be among people. Sooner or later you may meet someone, that's all you can do really.

On the other hand maybe you wont meet anyone, a lot of people don't, but you need to become comfortable with that, you can still be happy on your own. People always say you should be happy alone before meeting someone so maybe focus more on being content with yourself too.

magicmushroom

pookie82 wrote: »

This only solves one of her issues, though - the child bearing one.

The OP is also seeking companionship, a life partner, someone to come home to, hug, be intimate with, support, be supported by ... only things another adult can fulfill. A child might go some way to fill an emotional gap but it's not the same at all as having an equal partner to share the entire thing with.

It's also (from what I understand) one of the biggest commitments and undertakings a human will ever go through - responsibility for another human being. It's not to be done lightly and I'd have reservations about embarking on it alone deliberately.

For me, it'd be as much about doing all of these things, including becoming a parent, WITH someone as doing them at all.

Yes but the OP hasn't found a partner yet and doesn't have the time to get out and meet someone.
So should she lose on having a child because of this?
It might not be the ideal and perfect solution, but it is a option to help solve one part of her dilemma.
It wouldn't suit everyone I agree, and possibly not the OP but it one thing she may want to consider if having a child is that important to her.

via4

im a single mother and it is very hard to meet someone when you have a child. People judge single parents and the government look at lone parents as the scourge of society. It is a very hard lonely life you need to be a strong person for this situation. I personally wouldn't recommend it but each to their own. I like yourself long for someone but I cannot seem to meet a man or even a friend the last few years. As the other poster says fight the tiredness go out more and ask a man out if you like him take the lead you have nothing to lose. Best of luck hope things improve soon xx

magicmushroom

via4 wrote: »

im a single mother and it is very hard to meet someone when you have a child. People judge single parents and the government look at lone parents as the scourge of society. It is a very hard lonely life you need to be a strong person for this situation. I personally wouldn't recommend it but each to their own. I like yourself long for someone but I cannot seem to meet a man or even a friend the last few years. As the other poster says fight the tiredness go out more and ask a man out if you like him take the lead you have nothing to lose. Best of luck hope things improve soon xx

Yes OP I think this is the only advice we can all give - you're going to have to make more of an effort and go out more.

No one is going to come knocking on your door.
Your current situation isn't allowing you to meet anyone so you must change it.

To be fair if you're so tired all the time and work such long hours, how would a relationship work anyway even if you were to meet someone?

You need to look at giving yourself more time away from work, just a few hours a week and making a determined effort to get out and meet new people.

cath1980

Hi your post really struck chord with me so much . I don't have much advice for you. I'm in the same position myself except I have a 10 year old from previous relationship. Like you I'm at the age where all my friends are either engaged or pregnant ! suppose all you can do is keep going and try new things as much as possible that's what I'm doing to get myself out there , not to meet a man as such but just to get out and be more social. Good luck

Mr. Incognito

Hi there,

If you want a decent career you work damn hard on it.

If you want a decent relationship you work damn hard at that two.

A few negative comments and you run away ?

Suck it up. Date. Keep dating. Itll happen if you make an effort.

fits

If you really want children start thinking about it now and whether you would go it alone. You can meet a man anytime. Its more difficult when you have a child yes, but possible. The fertility clinics facilitate donors and single women.

Bigus

It's not just children the op is looking for but companionship and family.
I'd be suggesting a career sabbatical and try something completely different get out of the city in a different location just for the hell of it, life is too short. You can always return to humdrum.

In this respect there's good prospects and dare I say demand for 36 yo females within the farming /rural community,as potential partners, go do some research on this scene and consider a bit of set dancing or the like countrywide. Enjoy the adventure !

fits

Bigus wrote: »

It's not just children the op is looking for but companionship and family.
!

Arent we all. But realistically it takes years from meeting up to get to a place where you can have a child with someone. By which time OP could be forty. OP has said she really wants children. If so, she has other options to consider than the traditional. And better sooner than later.

via4

Also maybe those holidays for single people loads of strangers going off on holiday I know a woman who met her husband off one! And everyone is in the same boat so no one would be thinking oh why is this person here on her own cos they all are. Have you any annual holidays saved up would it be possible to take about three weeks ago in one ago to head away?

2rkehij30qtza5

via4 wrote: »

Also maybe those holidays for single people loads of strangers going off on holiday I know a woman who met her husband off one! And everyone is in the same boat so no one would be thinking oh why is this person here on her own cos they all are. Have you any annual holidays saved up would it be possible to take about three weeks ago in one ago to head away?

My cousin took the leap and went on one of these holidays! Met the man of her dreams! What about studying a course in college at night time? I think you are going to have to push yourself and make yourself meet someone. I know of my friends and my best friend is a well known former model, that we didn't get chatted up randomly and asked for numbers on nights out. All ended up marrying people we were friends with first. I think you need to put yourself out there with dating sites, join clubs (you won't find many men at Pilates!), ask friends to set you up on dates, tag rugby during the summer etc. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thank you all SO much for taking the time out to reply - I appreciate them all. I have just found this a particularly hard week.

In terms of going it alone with clinics etc. to have my own baby, I don't want to do that. If I wasn't in a committed relationship, I honestly don't think I could have children that way but at the moment, I don't know how strong that desire will get.

I have a very small business with only one other member of staff and a business loan so I do have to stick at that in terms of hours so I can clear the loan and hopefully I will be able to reduce my hours by next year. It is looking likely at the moment.

Online dating, I will give it another try and try not to take it so personally when guys I feel I could date dismiss me! There seem to be the same faces each time I joined but I guess who knows, maybe that one I am looking for will be there.

My friends who are settled have young kids so to be fair, with mortgage and childcare etc. they just don't go out at the moment. I have mentioned that I am open to meeting somebody and they all say the same, "you will meet someone". I have decided not to say that to single people anymore who tell me they would like to meet someone as I know it is meant in the nicest possible way but it really annoys me now I am so sensitive to it.

I looked online last night to see what classes/courses etc. are in a 10 mile radius of where I live and e wasn't anything but I will look again over the weekend.

I think you are right in having to put myself out there more but I find it SO hard doing things solo. I just need to find the right classes/events and try make more friends and see what happens.

To those of you who are also still looking to meet that special someone, I do hope that you all find him/her - sooner rather rather than later.

CaraMay

Op if it's any consolation many of my friends and myself included were single when mid - late 30's and everyone has met someone. The circumstances of the meetings varied but some of the guys would be separated with kids. Would that be something you would rule out as it would certainly reduce the pool of available guys at your age.

Some have gone on to have kids and some haven't but my point is that it's possible.

LegacyUser

I am 36 and single.
I went through what you are going through maybe at 33/34.
And realised its all a frame of mind and I was actually stopping myself meeting people (any excuse) and through fear of rejection.
And I worked on myself for a while to build myself up. And to love myself, discover what my needs are, and how to try and fulfil those needs.

For me, it started very small. And I had to work every day on it. In all honestly, the only way you meet guys is to put yourself out there. It could start with giving someone you think is cute (in the supermarket for example!) a smile. Some smile back, some don't. Could be anywhere, and you just strike up a conversation (on a train/plane "oh Ive read that book!").

I learned not to take any reaction personal. I love me. It doesn't matter if others don't. And it completely freed me up. And its allowing me to take risks.

I am currently seeing a guy and we would not be seeing each other if I hadn't put myself out there, and taken the risk to display that I liked him. Turns out, hes really shy and would not have made the first move of interest lol! Ive no idea where it will go, but I know now I can get back on that horse if or when I want to. Believe me, I am so backward at flirting, its bad (I laugh at myself), but you can go wrong with a smile, a little eye contact, and rolling with something interesting they say.

I tried online dating too. But it just wasn't for me (and Id the same thing as you...send a pic and then silence. I didn't let it eat away at me tho. Because I know I am good enough for the right person).

I hope some of this helps. It can be terribly scary to keep having to put yourself out there. But if you do so without putting pressure on yourself and expectations, you'll enjoy it far more.